Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[conpron5]

I asked my youngest Sister to check on my Mother on Sunday to make sure that she was alright. She did and called me back and said that she wasn’t going to tell me this but decided she would anyway. She said that when she went to our Mothers house she noticed that the few pictures that she had of me were gone and that our Mother had replaced them with pictures of my abusive SF. My sister asked her why she had put his pictures back up after all of these years and was told that SF was our youngest brothers Father and that she wanted to make this Thanksgiving special for him, to make sure he knows how much he is loved by her and his Father. I am definitely making progress with my recovery; because a month ago I would have gone off over this, now I am just indifferent. Mother Dearest will ratchet things up when she gets no response from me on this

 

I called my Wife late Sunday who was staying another night to visit our daughter and our oldest son was visiting the same college for an overnight orientation. I called her multiple times before she answered around 10:30 pm and she was very intoxicated. I was upset and told her that her PDOC said that she could not drink on her medication. She told me that I wasn’t her Mother and that she had her girlfriend come up to stay with her so she wouldn’t be by herself. She asked me why I called, I said that I wanted to speak to my loving Wife, was she there? I told her that I was disappointed that she had been drinking on medication and that she was being rude to me on the phone, I hung up and didn’t speak to her again.

 

She came back last night and was a raging Bit_h when she got home. She picked on everything I did from not folding the towels right to me using a fork to stir coffee this morning because there were no spoons in the drawer by the coffee maker. I told her that I am sorry, but that she is being way too critical of me and I am not going to put up with it. Last night I woke up around 3:00am and my wife was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes texting.I lay in bed and waited for her to come back and fall asleep. I got up andchecked her phone there were no new texts or emails sent or received. She hadto delete both sent and received messages. Not good. I am getting a gut feeling that she may not be into R as much as I have thought. I am going to keep my mouth shut and go back into detective mode and see what I uncover.

 

I have no form of luck...........

 

Man.. I am in tears reading this!! Normal decent people don't do what your wife did. Remember how she kept lashing out at you at the beginning of the thread.

 

 

What did I tell you ? Your wife is not a good person either. You depended on her because your issues with your mother were too much to handle alone. But she is not someone trustworthy !!!

 

Just read the thread again. This woman is not worth it, even if she is not cheating.

 

 

Unfortunately, it does look like the most important women in your life are utterly toxic to you.

Edited November 11, 2015 by conpron5

[conpron5]

S2B, Stbreton, I am waiting to go in and see my T, I am dreading telling him more about my train wreck of a life. I am going to put this all behind me quickly because it is taking a toll on me emotionally and spiritually . I am going to figure out who my wife is communicating with and what is being said. If she is again unfaithful she is gone, no matter how much I love who she was. I used to be such a strong person, I will get there again .

 

Were they regular text messages ? Or chat applications ?

[merrmeade]

Last night I woke up around 3:00am and my wife was in the bathroom for about twenty minutes texting. I lay in bed and waited for her to come back and fall asleep. I got up and checked her phone there were no new texts or emails sent or received. She had to delete both sent and received messages. ... I am going to keep my mouth shut and go back into detective mode and see what I uncover.

...if your wife deleted texts...they will still show on the text records on your online bill... check online to see if she did receive/send texts.

I'm very sorry, bdt, that you're forced to deal with this and the craziness with your mother at the same time and very seriously hope you mentioned it to your T. Why not decide together which topic you spend most of the time talking about (although he'll probably leave it up to you)?

 

I'm also sorry you have to go into detective mode but agree that you do. As StB suggested, you can sign into your your cell phone provider site (assuming hers is the same) and go to text (data or SMS) for Nov. 10th, 3:00 am. See what number(s) she was chatting with. While you're at it, click at the top of the column with the phone numbers, and it will sort them. You can see which numbers are getting the most traffic. Do this for calls as well as for data (texts).

 

As for reading the deleted texts, it's possible if you download software for retrieving deleted SMS messages. You can read them on the computer after plugging her phone in.

[aliveagain]

If they can't do it in front of you they shouldn't be doing it. I haven't been on here in a little while and I am quite surprised by your newest update. Texting at 3 in the morning screams another man and secrets being kept from you. Absolutely nothing good can come from that type of behavior.

[turnera]

You're still making amazingly strong strides considering what you're dealing with. How did IC go?

[Bigdaddyt]

Were they regular text messages ? Or chat applications ?

I do not know what she is using. At night the phone will ping and light up, I will get up and check it and nothing is there, so it may be some type of instant App, but I haven't found an icon on her screen. I wonder if she can hide it. She has an Iphone 5S.

[Bigdaddyt]

You're still making amazingly strong strides considering what you're dealing with. How did IC go?

 

tunera, Therapy sucks!!!! Last night it went and my T said that he thought that I have a slight mood disorder. I wasn't happy. I told him that I do not think that I do and I believe that my depression is all from my stress from my two fronts that I am being forced to deal with. He wants to put me on medication and I told him that I am against using mind altering or anti depression medications.

 

He asked me to at least consider this, I said that I would as I look for another T.

[turnera]

BDT, come on. This guy has helped you a lot, hasn't he? Just because he sees another path for you than you want doesn't mean he's bad or wrong. Marathon, not sprint, ok? It's his job to see all possibilities for you. If you don't want drugs, just say no. And continue working on everything else.

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, come on. This guy has helped you a lot, hasn't he? Just because he sees another path for you than you want doesn't mean he's bad or wrong. Marathon, not sprint, ok? It's his job to see all possibilities for you. If you don't want drugs, just say no. And continue working on everything else.

tunera, Yes he has been helpful, I still don't like him. I have been a real joy to be around lately.... I will go to him until the end of the year and see what happens. I do not like to use meds, but I have used sleeping pills when I get too exhausted to function. today I am very angry and my WW has picked up on it and is trying to be lovey dovey, I am married to Sybil.

[turnera]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

[Bigdaddyt]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

tunera, its a him I fired the old T becuase she said things to my wife in a joint session to make her think that I was possibly suicidal and hypersexual. I know that I am a pain in the azz and too sensitive. I just have too much going on and I am quick changing from a doormat to a bulldog.

[Bigdaddyt]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

Tunera, were you talking about my WW? Sorry, my mind is going a hundred MPH, I have a private HR consulting firm here at work today doing an engagement survey with the associates and financials due out today, I am sweating bullets.. I haven't said anything to my WW, I am reimplementing the 180 for sanity sake. I need to slow myself down and read the posts a couple of times before responding, I am missing too much, maybe my T is right.

Edited November 11, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[CarrieT]

I do not know what she is using. At night the phone will ping and light up, I will get up and check it and nothing is there, so it may be some type of instant App, but I haven't found an icon on her screen. I wonder if she can hide it. She has an Iphone 5S.

 

She absolutely hide it! There was a report on NPR yesterday of the apps that high school kids are using to sext which look like calculators and whatnot to hide from their parents.

 

There is a whole industry of these now so who knows what it has been hidden as...

[StBreton]

I do not know what she is using. At night the phone will ping and light up, I will get up and check it and nothing is there, so it may be some type of instant App, but I haven't found an icon on her screen. I wonder if she can hide it. She has an Iphone 5S.

 

The icon could be imbedded in one of those bubbles. I have the 5s and have a "social" bubble that has Instagram Facebook etc. It's on my 3rd screen so look a little deeper.

[66Charger]

Don't forget to be honest with her. That's part of your progress. Tell her you are observing. Don't tell her so as to GET something from her, just to inform her what you are thinking she is doing, and that you don't like it.

 

Why in the world would you do this? Just reread your own thread. Stop getting angry and start getting smart.

 

You were better when you moved out.

 

Edit: Are you back in the gym your PT?

Edited November 11, 2015 by 66Charger

[GorillaTheater]

Tunera, were you talking about my WW?

 

Why in the world would you do this? Just reread your own thread. Stop getting angry and start getting smart.

 

You were better when you moved out.

 

Edit: Are you back in the gym your PT?

 

I'm pretty sure Turnera was talking about sharing this stuff with the therapist. I can't imagine her advocating to tell the wife jack sh*t, except maybe for "hey you, get the f*ck outta my house".

 

BDT, my advice is to disconnect the emotional hose from your wife, at least temporarily go NC with your mother, and focus 100% on you and your well-being. Fighting a two-front war is not only exhausting, but strategically unsound. Concentrate on one front at a time. The situation with your wife can be put on hold for the time-being.

[Bigdaddyt]

Why in the world would you do this? Just reread your own thread. Stop getting angry and start getting smart.

 

You were better when you moved out.

 

Edit: Are you back in the gym your PT?

 

66, I am back in the gym, but I have only gone once this week due to being committed at work. I have spoken to my old PT and I am going to start using her again. If the WW asks I will tell her that if she can text in the middle of the night I can use my old PT.

[Bigdaddyt]

I'm pretty sure Turnera was talking about sharing this stuff with the therapist. I can't imagine her advocating to tell the wife jack sh*t, except maybe for "hey you, get the f*ck outta my house".

 

BDT, my advice is to disconnect the emotional hose from your wife, at least temporarily go NC with your mother, and focus 100% on you and your well-being. Fighting a two-front war is not only exhausting, but strategically unsound. Concentrate on one front at a time. The situation with your wife can be put on hold for the time-being.

GT, Thanks, I just restarted the 180 and it had immediate results, WW is texing me non stop asking me what is wrong. My Mother has also started to call me,I ignore her. This whole mess has gone on too long and I want out , my WW and I have MC next week, I will confront her there, regardless if I have a smoking gun or not...

[Bigdaddyt]

WW has had her 'chance' to give evidence that she can repair the damage she caused - and she failed to prove she can be decent even for a short time.

 

 

She's made it obvious what she prefers to DO.

 

 

You can't change HER - you CAN change you and your circumstances - by removing toxic from your daily living situations.

 

She obviously wants to have that excitement in her life, at your expense. I don't recommend it for you.

 

 

Do what you want - but know if you keep her in your life you will have more of her brand of crazy around you.

 

I don't think you need altering medication - I think you only need to eliminate the source(s) of drama from your daily life.that way you can hunker down and prioritize.

 

 

Did you already file for divorce (prior)? Your wife crossed a very important boundary and you could be doing something to implement consequences.

 

Is money separated from her? Credit cards shut down? Have you demanded she get a job?

 

Start making life a bit tough for her. She can move out today so that you can clear your mind and see things you need to see and decide what's in YOUR best interest.

 

 

In other words = give YOURSELF a break from her brand of crazy.

 

Do action instead of no action. No action gives the wife the idea that she can party more. Stand up and say NO MORE - get out since you intend to act that way!

S2B, I just seem to attract the crazies. That is all that I have ever known. I realize that I cannot change her, I can only change myself; which I have been working hard to correct. I have separated all of our finances and I am the only one that works. She is still a SAHM. I did file before and will ahve to refile if I make that choice.

[Ms. Faust]

She is still a SAHM. I did file before and will ahve to refile if I make that choice.

 

If you are planning on divorce I would start encouraging her to get a job right now. Staying at home is a luxury for married people.

[Bigdaddyt]

Let me ask you:

 

 

If your best friend presented behavior from his wife to you that looks like your wife - what would you suggest he do?

I would think that he is having an affair with my Wife! LOL Just kidding, I would tell him that only he knows what is right for himself and his family. I would tell him to look hard at his situation and ask himself will it happen again if they R. I would tell him that he should always protect himself and be brutually honest with his wife and if she cannot commit to being faithful then he needs to end things and D.

[Bigdaddyt]

If you are planning on divorce I would start encouraging her to get a job right now. Staying at home is a luxury for married people.

Ms. Faust, I like your location, I am originally from SW Ohio, I agree that she needs to get a job, but I am going to get hammered in a divorce, I will have to pay alimony to her for life, around 5k a month. I have already been down this road.

[66Charger]

While I agree GT with your premise,, I disagree that the front he should be concentrating on is his past. This will take years to work out. The toxic needs to be gone now. Your recent past is repeating BDT. She sneaks, comes back, berates you, you doubt, (did this happen, or is it my insecurities), then you get angry, she gets lovey dovey, you rugsweep. Rinse and repeat.

 

BDT, These are your words. This is the story you told. And your still waiting for more "truth"

 

And waiting....and waiting.

 

Same bat time, same bat channel. 30 days from today.

 

We can all speculate and give advice, but we really dont need to. Your wife is a serial cheater. Just like a serial murderer, she will "kill" again. Just a matter of time.

 

I gave my opinion before that you should not share your CSA with your wife and put your happiness/pain/healing in the hands of the unworthy. Why in the world would anyone not see this explosion coming. Was she supposed to miraculously change? Really?

 

You were getting stronger and better on your own.

 

IMHO, you need to get out the dustrag.

 

For your divorce papers.

 

I will take my leave, because everyone knows whats coming. When it does, be ready for it. Heal quickly and then heal slowly.

 

You are one of the good guys BDT. Marry some one else.

[GorillaTheater]

While I agree GT with your premise,, I disagree that the front he should be concentrating on is his past. This will take years to work out. The toxic needs to be gone now.

 

I agree that it might take years to fully come to terms with his past, and I'm sure not advocating he take that long to get rid of his wife, but I do think he needs to get on a little more of an even keel before he puts himself through the divorce grind. It's a tough road for someone who's mentally and emotionally healthy, let alone someone who just now is starting to open up about some pretty severe childhood trauma and demons.

 

But you may be right. Certainly the sooner he offloads his wife, the better. I just hate to see the guy tackle two big jobs at once.

[turnera]

GT, Thanks, I just restarted the 180 and it had immediate results, WW is texing me non stop asking me what is wrong. My Mother has also started to call me,I ignore her. This whole mess has gone on too long and I want out , my WW and I have MC next week, I will confront her there, regardless if I have a smoking gun or not...

No, I meant to tell your wife. For YOUR growth; IDGAF what she thinks or how she feels. "I don't want to talk to you because you're back to hiding stuff. That's not what I want or deserve in a wife." 'nuf said.