S2B Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Big hugs. You're doing as best as can be expected. I'm glad you are going to focus on healing yourself. That's your top priority. Do take care of yourself. I hope you can let go of any negative emotions associated with your childhood events - there is NO value in hanging on to the past if it doesn't invoke hot and happiness to your daily life. Live for today - live in the moment for the ultimate gratitude. IF you won't consider inpatient treatment (nothing wrong with that) then possibly consider seeing your counselor each and every day for therapy. It is more difficult to sift through the emotions while conducting daily routines. The inpatient is so that YOU can stay focused on getting through this quickly - processing it - so you can get to the OTHER side of it all. Do what's best for you... Only you can know what that is. Glad you're going to start reading. It should help expand your treatment and open your mind to healing. My heart is very heavy for you - but I have no doubt you can get through this. I'm rooting for you - hope you do well in treatment - and look forward to your updates. Be well my friend. Love you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I wish you both success no matter how that looks. Continue to be the best dad for your children, keep them safe as they are the innocent ones. I send you a big man hug and pray that all will be well for you and your family. <<<Bigdaddyt>>> 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Good luck. I'm sure you'll do fine. May I suggest you just lock it and don't delete it, so that when you come back, all the people who care about you will be able to see your update? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Good luck BDT! Just make sure your wife's issues are fixed or you WILL be here again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Good luck BDT! Just make sure your wife's issues are fixed or you WILL be here again. I'm unsure how he can 'make sure' of that. He hasn't directly stated what she's been doing to change herself, if she's getting solid therapy for her issues and what she's changing to grow and learn about herself. So we can't know for sure. What he can do is help himself...and I admire that he's willing to do that. I hope he doesn't base HIS happiness on anyone else or anything else. That comes from within. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 (edited) Folks, the thread starter requested that moderation close this thread and we have granted that request. Thank you all for your participation and assistance. Edited 11/5/2015 to re-open thread per thread starter request. Edited November 5, 2015 by William 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) All: Ithas been a month since I posted and I thought that I would update my story formy friends that were following and supporting me through this. Past: When I last posted on this thread I was at alow point of my life and in a very bad place emotionally. I had realized thatmy wife of over twenty years had cheated on me with several partners. Idiscovered this several years prior and was getting ready to confront her aboutit then, when she was involved in a serious car accident and I had to place theconfrontation on hold. I spent the next couple of years caring for my wife andour three children. It was also during this time that my now adult brother whowas given up for adoption found me via a private investigator and added a greatdeal of drama (stress) into my life (he is very needy emotionally). My wife wasn’t remorseful when I confronted her over the endof this past summer and didn’t show any remorse until I exposed her to all ofour family and friends and I had her served with divorce papers. After she wasserved and I moved out of the marital house she had an emotional breakdown andstarted to beg for a second chance to save our marriage. Her breakdown wassevere and I was truly concerned for her and our children and I moved back intoour house for our children and moved her out to her parent’s house. I latertook her back into our house and made sure she was getting treatment for herBPD. I still am not certain if this is an accurate diagnosis from this PDOC. The stress from all of this was too much for me and Icracked and my past CSA came back and I started to fail. I always knew that Iwas an extremely abused as a child, so it wasn’t a truly repressed or hiddenmemory. I choose to never admit to or look at my past and when I was askedabout my past I would either lie or change the subject, I didn’t realize thatit was still a major problem for me. I had never gone through any kind ofcounselling for this, which was a huge mistake. Present: Ihave been in therapy for my PTSD and my past CSA. Therapy truly sucks!!!!!!! Iam on my second therapist. The first one said something that upset me and Ileft her and went to my current one, who is an older man. Therapy had me retellmy story in as much detail as possible, but I was missing years and gradeswhere I couldn’t remember anything. My Therapist would take me from that pointto the present and then go back and have me retell my story from where I leftoff and I was able to fill in more of the blanks, he has written a lot ofnotes, kind of made me nervous, self-conscious in that he goes back to hisnotes and actually know the story. These therapy sessions were and are horrible and I foundmyself traumatized all over again and I had to take a week off of work due tomy emotional state. I found myself pulling the fabric on the armchair andalmost panicking as I talked about the past. T asked me to go into great detailabout the sexual abuse and my abusers. This went on for two weeks to the pointthat I told my therapist that I just can’t relive this anymore it is toohorrible to remember. He said that we need to get this out and the reason thatit is so traumatic is that you are reliving this through the eyes of a childand you are no longer a child. You are now a man. He continued that no one canhurt you any longer and you have to understand this if you are to put this intoyour past. This was kind of anepiphany for me and helped me come to grips with my past. It just made sense tome. I am now at the point where I can talk about my past without panicking orgetting upset. I still am hyper vigilant and I still trigger, but I am gettingmuch better. I have learned to just say to people when they ask about mychildhood that “I had a bit of a roughchildhood, but I have gotten through it” That hopefully will be enough toget them to drop it. If not I will tell them I don’t want to talk about it. Ihave also started posting on another website for CSA survivors which has helpedme tremendously talk to people who have been through this and listen to eachother’s daily struggles in dealing with this trauma. My T wants me to cut my Mother out of my life altogether;because she did nothing to protect me as a child and she is a constant triggerfor me in remembering her failure as a mother. I am working on this, I do notknow if I can just let her die on the vine. I am a very dutiful son, but I haveno respect or affection towards her. I hate to talk to her and I avoid her andusually pass her off to my wife on the phone. Wife covers for me. I told my T that I am truly surprised that I am as normaland high functioning as I am in adult life. I don’t have any psychoses. Youwould have thought that I would have become a serial killer based on my past.He said that isn’t how it works. Reconciliation: My wife and I are still together and we areattempting to reconcile (I know that Iam stupid and should have my head examined, oh wait I am already doing that,okay I’m just stupid). I don’t know if we will be successful but we aremaking a go of it. We are both love and are committed to each other and want tobe together. We have been together a very long time. She has given me all ofher passwords to all email accounts and to her cell phone. All of her toxicfriends have been cut off and she is in NC with them and her AP. I still use aVAR occasionally to verify her activity and regain my trust in her. She hasasked me to stop using my personal trainer because she sees her as a threat;which I reluctantly did. Wife always thought that my trainer was my plan B ifwe didn’t work out. She has been incredibly supportive to me during this timeand will change the TV channel if it has anything to do with infidelity orchild abuse. She will also advise the children to give me space when I amhaving a bad moment. She is constantly affectionate and reassuring to me. I said in my earlier posts that I take 70% for thedestruction of our marriage. I would shut down emotionally whenever we arguedabout anything and I would become very emotionally unavailable. My T said thatthis is a learned response to my past abuse. I have also been prone to fits ofrage and can become very aggressive if confronted or if I feel threatened, Inever got physical or aggressive my wife or kids. I was a nice guy, butI have read both No More Mr. Nice Guy and MMSLP, more than once. I am still inrecovery. I am now very vocal about everything and she will tell me when I gettoo far out (distant) there or feel sorry for myself and I will tell her whenshe is being a Bit_h. A match made in heaven. Overall things are going well for us, we are taking thingsone day at a time and spending quality time with each other and are going outon a date night at least once a week. I like the HB. I do get very angry if Ithink about her cheating, but she seems to sense this and we talk through it.Our children are very happy we are together and I am spending more time awayfrom work and at home with my family. Karma Bus:I spoke with Jack today and he said that he just took Jill back to court andwas awarded full custody of his children and Jill only is allowed to havesupervised visitation due to her DUIs and a recent drug possession conviction.She was also charged with domestic violence for attacking Jack in his housebecause he would not let her take the children out for visitation; because shewas intoxicated and had to call the police, who arrested her. That is truly ashame she went from being a happily married mother of two and a high paidpharmaceutical sales rep to this. This news really shocked my FWW; I think sheis thinking OMG that by the grace of God could have been me! Thanks for listening BDT Edited November 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting/paragraphs ~6 10 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 I'm very glad to see you back, BDT, and very glad to see you actively working on the demons from your past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Aww, I am SO happy for you! Thank you for letting us know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 BigdaddyT: no need to tell you how happy i am to hear that you are doing great. I confess that I had tears on my eye reading your post ( no one knows me here so i can confess) :lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 That's a great story and may it be an inspiration for people who are scared to take action and deal with their fears and demons. So happy to see you happy and working on things. I hope you solve your emotional issues the soonest possible. Keep posting for updates please. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 I'm very glad to see you back, BDT, and very glad to see you actively working on the demons from your past. Gorilla Theater, Thanks for your support, I am finally facing my demons and I know that it will benefit not only myself but my Wife and children. I posted on my other CSA thread that I used to always look for the bad in things and I always found it. I now look for the good in everything and I am now starting to find it. I always hoped to put this past behind me, but hope with no action leads me to stay where I always was, emotionally broken and cut off. Now my hope has action and things are getting better. BDT 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 BigdaddyT: no need to tell you how happy i am to hear that you are doing great. I confess that I had tears on my eye reading your post ( no one knows me here so i can confess) :lmao: Qubist my friend Thank you for your support and PM over this past month. Trust me I shed a lot of tears over this too,but I am at a much better place now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 That's a great story and may it be an inspiration for people who are scared to take action and deal with their fears and demons. So happy to see you happy and working on things. I hope you solve your emotional issues the soonest possible. Keep posting for updates please. ? Summer's Dreams, I was terrified to face my past or my Wife's infidelity because I feared that any action I took would be wrong and lead to the situation being worse. I am working through this with my Wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 I'm glad to hear you're doing well. You've been through so much in your life and your strength is admirable. Forwards ever...backwards never. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 So glad to hear you are doing better. I was also a victim of child abuse and - like you - have several "blank" years. I have had some therapists who really wanted to bring those memories out to deal with them, but since I function well with the knowledge they are there, I haven't felt too compelled to dig up "whatever happened." Keep up the good work! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Get rid of your therapist if he/she is actually telling you to get your mother out of your life because "she didn't protect you". No accredited, licensed therapist would ever suggest such a thing - not ever. Never. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 (edited) Get rid of your therapist if he/she is actually telling you to get your mother out of your life because "she didn't protect you". No accredited, licensed therapist would ever suggest such a thing - not ever. Never. Drifter, My T knows my full story and he based his comments on my Mother knowing about my abuse by my Stepfather and her not doing anything to stop him. Edited November 6, 2015 by Bigdaddyt 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Bigdaddyt, Great to hear back from you again, and you new path and success sounds GREAT! Good luck to you, and good work. You have a great start for a great future. There will still be issues, as you know, and your POSITIVE attitude looking for the good will get you and her through this. Stay positive, stay focused and be SURE that you do positive things for the loved ones in your life. Makes a HUGE difference. I've gone through something similar, with similar problems, but no kids. And I'm back with the wife and we spend a LOT of quality time together..... I mean time just for our selves, with no interruptions. I read good things, ideas and ways to keep us together to her. She has taken a positive role in making me happy, and I LOVE to reciprocate. And it's working. Hope same success to you. One thing I did.... I've committed to her 110%, with no holds barred. NOTHING is hidden, or behind her back or done to hurt or tear her down. Only positives. I've opened up EVERYTHING to her, and she has to me. While early on, it takes time to rebuild trust and get comfy with each other, when people bend over backwards to make it work, it can work great. We have both sacrificed to make the other happy, and that's a HUGE thing. Sounds really good. Keep us posted. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Big Daddy T, thank you so much for taking the time to share so much of your life with us. It's really gratifying and kind of amazing to see something like this and realize how deeply and genuinely people connect and help each other on this forum. You really, really got it, used the advice and support well. My appreciation to qubist, too, for supporting you through the pms. You've been through so much in this life and especially in the past few years. The epiphany you reported is what I've always felt therapy should be about because the end result will be your discovery of your own core strength. Not only are you able to leave the abuse with the child you were (and grieve, I'm sure), but I hope your T has helped you see that the strength, goodness and humanity to prevail is still with you. That means YOU were the reason that you not only survived, but now can thrive, love fully and share with the world the wonderful human being you are. We're lucky you've let us witness a small part. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Big Daddy T, You're AWESOME! THERE IS NOTHING you can't handle now. You have done SO WELL. Achieved so much RESOLUTION to buried issues all while dealing with present issues! Man you are way better than awesome. Gosh your kids are lucky. Qubist you're awesome too! The PMs are what kept me afloat during my darkest periods this year too. Thanks LS. Thanks LSers. There isn't a therapist or friend of mine that hasn't heard my credence to you all. I'm just so happy for you BDT. What a whirlwind. And you've not just survived but gotten and received the support you needed to become a stronger person for it all. Amazing. Lion Heart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
conpron5 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Drifter, My T knows my full story and he based his comments on my Mother knowing about my abuse by my Stepfather and her not doing anything to stop him. Taking your wife back and attempting to reconcile is a mistake.. To have the nerve to ask you to dump your PT just shows that she will never change. She had a big nervous breakdown and made you go back to the protective mode and now has wormed back into your life. Didn't she go to Las Vegas trolling for some guy after the D-day ? Just re-read this thread BDT. Just read this thread again. If you are taking this woman back, this only proves that you did not come out of the CSA with out long term effects.. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I agree you should at least get another trainer. This is one thing she shouldn't be able to control, because it is something that benefits YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 I agree you should at least get another trainer. This is one thing she shouldn't be able to control, because it is something that benefits YOU. I kind of agree with this. As much as your wife sees your PT as a threat - you know you've always been faithful. That's all that should have mattered......unless you felt you might stray with her. It's still your wife controlling elements of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Summer's Dreams, I was terrified to face my past or my Wife's infidelity because I feared that any action I took would be wrong and lead to the situation being worse. I am working through this with my Wife. In phychology there is no right or wrong. Whatever feelings or emotions you have are real and that's enough. It's never wrong to try and solve the emotional issues we have, it will only lead to relief and salvation. You are the live example of this that's why I talked about inspiration to people who are scared to take action. We can't let fear lead our lives. Fear is the worst enemy. We should always try to fix something that is not right and be ready for any results. Doing nothing is more wrong than any bad results we may have. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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