Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

BDT, like Dr. Phil always says, "It's better to be from a broken home then live in one." Six weeks away from each other may be the best thing for both of you. This will give you time to think clearly without too much influence/manipulation from her. She on the other hand will be thinking with a cheaters mindset which is to assume that your going away to have a revenge affair because if she cheats when away from you than so will you cheat when away from her. What will her behaviour be while you are away, does it really matter at this time? That's a big part of the issue, trust.

 

Alive, I agree fully with this and I will use this time away to figure out what is truly the best thing for me and the family. You are spot on that it really doesn't matter at this time. I cannot be in a relationship that is this much work and I am always concerned about what my wife is doing and with who. I realize that I deserve better. I am slowly putting myself back on track and I do not get upset like I did before. The shock effect is gone.

[turnera]

MRS. BIGDADDYT:

 

Since you are reading, let me pose a question to you. I know that, just like every other person, you have justified your actions in your own mind as something you deserve or as the right thing to do, for whatever reason.

 

But let me ask you this:

 

If you had to sit down, right now, and face your children, who are sitting there listening to you, could you explain to them what you did? Could you come up with a justification that would satisfy THEM? Is it a strong enough justification that they would agree with you, say it's ok Mom, we get it, you had to do it?

 

Or would they get that horrible, shattered look in their eyes when they hear what their mother, their protector, has done TO THEIR FAMILY?

 

And if you were to sit down with your own mother and father and explain what you did, could you do it with peace, and self respect, and feel good about yourself? Would you expect THEM to feel good about what you've done?

 

Think about it.

[sandylee1]

If she has access to your tech. She could have found this thread..in which case it's not a 'safe place ' for you to post anymore. She could have done a browser check and unless you browse incognito....she could know everything.

 

Think carefully and cover your tracks..otherwise she'll be one step ahead of you every time.

 

Some people decide to send PMs only to certain people once their spouse finds their thread.

[Bigdaddyt]

It seems likely that she has some how found this site. I was posting on my work laptop and with my I-phone. My I-phone has been acting strange lately with the email going blank then coming back up updating the old emails with the new. I really haven't said anything here that I would consider wrong or disrespectful, I will see what she admits to knowing going forward.

 

The other day on this thread I complained about working 12 hour days and coming home to no dinner and a dirty house. When I got home that night the house was clean and dinner was made. She asked me Saturday if I was going to talk to my online friends... I was very careful to always delete my history, but my wife is wicked smart, especially with IT. Much more so than myself.

 

If it gets too bad I will find another avenue here to communicate.

[Clay]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

[Bigdaddyt]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

Clay, You are right it really doesn't matter at this point. I am flying to Chicago on Sunday. I will keep to the high road until the very end.

[Bigdaddyt]

She's been two or three steps ahead every time anyway.

 

Using his info against him when he's trying to determine what his best course of action is now - would be a special kind of abuse.

 

But I wouldn't put that style of continued abuse passed her - she's capable of anything cruel at his expense and well being.

 

 

Protect yourself BDT...financially, emotionally and mentally. Stay strong!

S2B, She has been two or three steps ahead of me, I always play by the rules like all nice guys. You know the saying Nice Guys finish last. I am just going to finish this and I will probably confront her tonight and encourage her to post here if she wants to, but I doubt that she will. It is only abuse if I continue to allow it. So I am going to have the difficult conversation with her tonight, enough is enough...finally right...

[Clay]

Clay, You are right it really doesn't matter at this point. I am flying to Chicago on Sunday. I will keep to the high road until the very end.

 

I'm glad to hear it. You don't deserve what she has put your through. Some day when she sees the quality of men that she has put in her life she will look back and realize what she lost playing these games.

 

Just remember your heading towards a new life and there are far better women out there. It took me a while but it was worth the wait.

 

 

C

[sandylee1]

It seems likely that she has some how found this site. I was posting on my work laptop and with my I-phone. My I-phone has been acting strange lately with the email going blank then coming back up updating the old emails with the new. I really haven't said anything here that I would consider wrong or disrespectful, I will see what she admits to knowing going forward.

 

The other day on this thread I complained about working 12 hour days and coming home to no dinner and a dirty house. When I got home that night the house was clean and dinner was made. She asked me Saturday if I was going to talk to my online friends... I was very careful to always delete my history, but my wife is wicked smart, especially with IT. Much more so than myself.

 

If it gets too bad I will find another avenue here to communicate.

 

 

She's likely hacked into your phone and put spyware on it. She knows your every move and conversation. Nothing is private. I wonder how she'd react if you bought a new iPhone and ditched the old one........she's still controlling you...Both overtly and covertly.

[merrmeade]

Why do you really care? Your leaving anyhow right? I mean honestly who cares what she read. I think it sounds like to me your staying and your just trying to figure out how to handle her continued infidelity. You know there are some people that actually do live with it and learn to accept it. Sure that sounds horrible but you have to decide what you want in your life and if that is what it is then its your choice and only you can make that.

 

Me personally If I thought she was reading this I would put point blank "Stop being a Sxxx!!!!" and let her think about that but that is just me.

Exactly. Who cares? And if she "is wicked smart, especially with IT," just forget it. Don't even try to play the same game. She'll just get wicked IT smarter.

 

No, the best thing you have going for you, BDT, is you—your decency, openness and innocence. What do you have to hide what's here anyway???? Your pain at discovering her shenanigans? All the emotional devastation you've been through these past months? Besides, I don't think you could hide it if you tried.

 

And if anyone would try to create an adversarial relationship around that, they've reinforced their position as abuser and, ultimately, lost. Abusers can't stand the truth of their evilness in plain evidence before them.

 

No, honey, just be yourself (why would you want to be anyone else anyway? ): Apologize for, hide, worry about NOTHING you've said and done. Just keep looking for truth and being a big daddy t.

[sandylee1]

I was just thinking....during your 6 weeks away....to verify if she's spying on you...get a new phone and insert your sim inside it. There'll be zero activity on your phone. I do not approve of spying as she's likely doing. Take some control back.... if she's so tech savvy - you need to outsmart her.

[aliveagain]

BDT, there comes a time when you decide that you aren't going to police her, be her parent or wonder what she is doing and with whom. When you get to that point one of two things will happen, she will change her ways and do absolutely anything you need to feel safe in order to remain in the relationship including taking a polygraph now and whenever in the future you deem necessary, agree to a post nuptial agreement favoring you if she cheats again or, you just don't give a sh*t anymore and all you want is out of the relationship and to get as far away from her cheating a$$ as you can. Trust nothing your wife tells you because she is an accomplished liar, watch her actions, believe what you see.

 

This is what you need to decide while you are away. Women in Calgary would love a sensitive guy like you. If they love you here they will love you in your city. You won't have trouble meeting a beautiful, faithful and loving woman if you decide that is the path you want to take. You just need to decide, by the way BDT, don't fall for that pack her bags bullsh*t. Next time she does that help her pack. As an Italian male I almost want to apologize to you on behalf of the Italian community for your wife's actions. She is not the norm, most Italian women honour their vows.

Edited November 16, 2015 by aliveagain

[Bigdaddyt]

I am going to replace my Iphone this weekend, I figured that it was downloaded with some sort of spyware, but I can't find it on the phone. The battery drains very quickly, my data useage has doubled, and I have received text messages from an unknown subscriber with no message or text attached.

 

I am going to sit down with her tonight and ask her what it is that she wants. This is just getting too weird between us, I must have this break to reflect on the past twenty years together. She once was my best friend in the world, but somewhere things went South on us.

 

i am getting myself together and I am in a much better place than I was. Two hours until I see my T should be an interesting night, I will update tomorrow.

[turnera]

I am going to replace my Iphone this weekend, I figured that it was downloaded with some sort of spyware, but I can't find it on the phone. The battery drains very quickly, my data useage has doubled, and I have received text messages from an unknown subscriber with no message or text attached.

 

I am going to sit down with her tonight and ask her what it is that she wants.

When you do that, and you listen to what she says, if she says she wants to stay married, THEN you tell her exactly what it will take for YOU to stay. No passwords, GPS on phone and car, MC/IC, etc.

[Bigdaddyt]

Ask her what she wants?

 

 

Why are you still handing her all of YOUR power?

 

 

She's royally screwed you over and you still hand HER that choice? That's the problem - YOU need to decide YOURSELF.

 

 

Ask her to screw you over MORE? Dang, why not beg her to keep using you? You provide her a life free of money worries while she has affairs with men and women.

 

And when she doesn't cook or clean you come home and fix that for her too.

 

 

 

Millions of women would love that life - and they wouldn't use you as their cover up and make fun of you behind your back.

 

 

When will you stand up for yourself against abuse? What would it take for you to actually say "no more!"???

 

S2B, When I say that I want to know what she wants, I want to figure out what is going on in her head... I am taking a break to gain clarity and make preparations to move on as necessary . I really am feeling like I actually have this under control now and I am at peace with it. I am still too nice, I get it. Will update tomorrow wish me luck. BDT

[Confusioncreepsin]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

[qubist]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

 

Wow thanks for sharing this. lot of this applies to BigdaddyT's wife. it is really sad that her BPD like behavior is holding him back too

[Bigdaddyt]

THERE MUST BE A PONY IN HERE, SOMEWHERE - Sorting Your Way Through the BPD Madness!

 

Jesus, I got the shakes reading that article, I didn't even read it all the way through , it was like I read my autobiography about my childhood and my marriage. My Mother would beat me senseless then tell me to hug her and tell her how much I loved her and people wonder why I am so Fuc-Ed up.

[66Charger]

BDT you are only messed up because you are constantly looking backwards.

 

Why dont you try something different.

 

When you leave for the 6 week trip, do not focus on your "wife". Focus on a life without her. Focus on how you would feel if you could wake up to a woman who loves and honors you. Focus on days without VARs, keyloggers, PI, investigating and even posting misery on LS.

 

And since your "wife" is reading.

 

Focus on a woman like Allison. A life with her. What if the 2 of you could have 2 more children? A second life. A new beginning. After you sell the house and pay a lump sum to dispose of the unworthy, you and Allison buy another house and lay down a solid foundation. Focus on waking up to her every morning, Allison feeling so thankful that you are with her as the baby grows in her belly. Focus on Christmas, you guys putting up a tree, your teenage son and daughter coming over bringing presents. The happiness is so evident in their laughter, knowing that their DAD found happiness again and his soul is at peace.

 

Focus on not even remembering your X wife's name. Cant even remember how she smells. Cant remember sex with her. Sleeping without nightmares. Not giving a damn wether she luves or dies..

 

Focus on a new life and all the happiness that it could bring. All the peace that you will feel. All the loving memories that you will make.

 

Do not focus on the negative. Dream of the positives.

 

With Allison.

[Bigdaddyt]

I am sitting in my T office waiting to go back and see him, he has no sense of time. I have been reading the article over and seeing the traits that are my wife's exactly. This article is basically this thread. I was raised by a BPD then married one , at least I have the sense to recognize it. I am going to show my T this article. 66 I agree that I need to stop looking backwards, it's difficult but I believe it's doable.

[Bigdaddyt]

You can't change the past.

 

You know what both women offer to you.

 

 

You CAN change YOUR future! It is only up to you to take steps to eliminate toxic people from your immediate surroundings. To make choices to change things - that is what YOU can do!

 

She doesn't need to approve. She doesn't need to agree. She just needs to be removed so she is left with her own drama and issues.

 

 

You need to deal with your own set of issues...and by eliminating what's toxic in your surroundings - you can make choices based on clarity for yourself.

 

 

 

Expect MORE drama this week - while she still has you close by - a sudden illness, perhaps? All drama is designed to reel big daddy fish back on her fishing line. Don't fall for it. Drama? No reacting and no over reacting to what she brings around. Tell her it's for HER to handle, not you.

 

 

And for gods sake - don't have sex with her! if she manipulates you that way - wear a condom!!!

 

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

[turnera]

I have been reading the article over and seeing the traits that are my wife's exactly. This article is basically this thread. I was raised by a BPD then married one

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=39352483563&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11894142950635773528&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_6s3i1scc19_b

[StBreton]

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

I think Adam was in the same boat with Eve ...you remember where that led:)

 

Where will you be happiest BDT? Down the rabbit hole with your wife or in a solid loving relationship? ... Where you can do the most healing from your dysfunctional FOO.

 

Your wife just seems to want to live a life that's not on the same page as you.

[66Charger]

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

Edited November 17, 2015 by 66Charger

[World's.Edge]

WTF Really? That was so beta, it almost made me throw up.

 

Sorry, its time to call you out.

 

Get it together BDT. If you cannot control yourself then how in the world can you blame her? Get you with sex? Thats the last thing she should be able to get you with. Walk the walk not the talk.

 

Okay, really? Weren't you the one not too long ago writing that he should be magnanimous with his mother, you encouraged some of this 'beta'.

 

S2B, my wife will be on her best game and it will be difficult for me to put her off. I just have to get through Sunday. She is the most suductive woman that I ever met. If she doesn't get me with sex she will pull somekind of drama no doubt .

 

BigFatherT, I think her ability to seduce you is more psychological manipulation than physical attraction.

 

If you're really unable to control yourself around her than simply avoid being in her physical presence, being in close proximity to her, or being around her without somone else or others present.