Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I am functioning but dying inside. I see the death of my marriage and the breakup of a family. I just blindly trusted and I would have beaten anyone who would have spoken badly about my wife. Now my eyes are open to this. I am just trying to make it through this week with my work.

[aliveagain]

Elaine, I did get tested and was negative, I told my wife who minimized what her Doctor said. I just thought it was odd, now I know it was her guilt and she was trying make me doubt myself.

 

Or her jealousy, she might have been trying to get a confession out of you so she could feel justified about her cheating. I don't think she expected your answer.

[elaine567]

...now I know it was her guilt and she was trying make me doubt myself.

 

Yes.

NO gynaecologist would just suggest that you were the one cheating. Gynaecologists are very aware of the "complicated" relationships of their patients and will have urged her to contact all her sexual partners if she had an sti.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, That is why I am here I would not have thought of that. My Wife is brilliant she was a Phi Beta in college. I am also very smart but when you trust someone blindly you don't always see the obvious .

[aliveagain]

Alive, That is why I am here I would not have thought of that. My Wife is brilliant she was a Phi Beta in college. I am also very smart but when you trust someone blindly you don't always see the obvious .

 

We are all guilty of this. I also agree with elaine567's observation. No medical professional would suggest you were cheating.

[Bigdaddyt]

Elaine and Alive, I know that you are correct and I am sick that I was so blind to this. I am physically shaking today and I have had to leave the conference room today because I started to get emotional and tear up. That is not like me, it is just not the cheating it is the deception and the prolonged betrayal.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I am using this sight to document my story and it is helping to put down all of the facts so that I can no longer hide from the truth. My Wife just called me she was taking our boys out for a fun day at the shore. She was nice on the phone acting as if nothing was wrong. I plan to talk with her tonight about her comments last night and ask her if she has anything that she needs to tell me. I will have a VAR on me.

[DKT3]

All: I am using this sight to document my story and it is helping to put down all of the facts so that I can no longer hide from the truth. My Wife just called me she was taking our boys out for a fun day at the shore. She was nice on the phone acting as if nothing was wrong. I plan to talk with her tonight about her comments last night and ask her if she has anything that she needs to tell me. I will have a VAR on me.

 

If your not ready to confront her and you are looking for evidence I would be careful about asking leading questions. If you wise her up to you being on the trail it will dry up and she will be more careful in hiding her tracks. If yo ask her if she need to tell you something you may as well just say "hey I know your cheating fess up" at which point she will deny and go into hiding.

 

I would focus on doing 180 and finding proof. No actually, I would just tell her that I knew and would listen to any excuses or denials, but I have the gift of hindsight and knowledge of travelling that road. A lot of us throw away a lot of time collecting evidence and pu$$y footing around it from fear.

[Bigdaddyt]

DKT3, I do not know how much longer I can keep up this front of the same old loving Niceguy husband. I need to get something's together before I do confront her , I am planning this out and moving money. I have an appointment with an attorney on Thursday to discuss options. I am new at this but I am learning fast.

[aliveagain]

Elaine and Alive, I know that you are correct and I am sick that I was so blind to this. I am physically shaking today and I have had to leave the conference room today because I started to get emotional and tear up. That is not like me, it is just not the cheating it is the deception and the prolonged betrayal.

 

I used to try and get my crying done in my car on the way to the office. You can ball your eyes out and no one can hear you, you just have to pull over if it gets too bad and you have trouble seeing the road. I blamed my red eyes on allergies. You quickly find yourself lying for the liar in your life. It takes a long time for the hollow empty feeling in your gut to go away.

 

She knows the truth about what she's done, you know what you know and probably only know some of the truth. You may never know all of it but when you've had enough you know enough to take yourself out of infidelity. They can stop their behaviour for years when they know your on to them but their still who they are and that person will surface again at some future time unless they get the professional help they need. Only you know when you've had enough, confront when you want this all to stop. Only put reconciliation on the table when you've got all the truth, talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, protect your children and your finances.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I was never this emotional before, I was always a tough guy. I did laugh about the allergies because I used that lie today. I have to work on calming myself down and staying focused. I will get it together , my Wife will be terrified when this all comes out, she knows that I can be very tough when I have to be.

[aliveagain]

Toughest thing I ever had to do because it had to do with me and the rest of my life. Nothing you did caused this or pushed her into the arms of other men, she owns that 100%. All your doing is removing yourself from infidelity because she is too broken or too weak to do it herself. This is the start of your healing, the step you are about to take is the first step all of us had to take that survived infidelity. Whether she comes with you or not is her choice, but isn't it better to know that now than waste years of your time waiting to find out?

Edited August 24, 2015 by aliveagain

[starpower]

I would take the advice about reading up on the 180.

 

Just going from the info you've provided, a lot of red flags. I mean I don't want to bring distressing images to your mind, but it's a probably a good idea to prepare mentally just in case.

 

The fact that you caught her with her friend along with 2 guys at the bar. It just doesn't seem likely in this case where she has 1 man on the go. From what i'm reading, she and her so called friend Jill may have been picking up guys together. As Jill was married herself, they probably enabled each other. It as if they were acting like a swinging couple themselves, maybe they were involved in the scene? where should explore her attraction to women. I highly doubt it was just confined to women though.

 

You should be prepared on how you confront her, so you get as much information as possible. It's possible when said she said she though you knew about the guys she's dated and you looked shocked, she shut-down and denied anything further happened.

 

She got angry when you said you never cheated her, another red flag, as it makes herself feel worse. I mean thing thing was Jill recently where she has broke contact with her is strange. Obviously Jill know's everything they have done, maybe they had a falling out, and your wife is scared of what she may say.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process.

[qubist]

Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process.

Bigdaddyt": you wasting too much energy fighting this and it's exhausting you which will only increase your anxiety and end up doing something bad. take easy and understand taht the emotions are getting the best of you. prepare what you are going to tell her. be calm and honest and shoot it all out. do not exhaust your energy thinking about it you will not win that way

[S2B]

Sandy, there's no question that my wife's behavior is erratic , I am very concerned for her. I really think that the guilt will consume her and she will end up having a nervous breakdown. I am balancing caring for her and the children. I just feel that there is much more going on than I know.

 

I'm sure there is MUCH more going on with her than you know; hence, her latest behavior... Which is designed to distract you and confuse you. Which is working.

 

 

Start digging as you need to know what's really going on. She's never going to tell you but she sure is willing to turn it all around and make it seem as though it's your fault.

 

Do not allow her to blame you. Do not feel guilty or second guess things.

 

She's rewriting the marriage and deflecting and trying to place blame anywhere but with herself. Only guilty people do that.

 

She is messed up. You need to find out why - I'm sure it's because she has a LOT to hide and you are on the brink of finding out what she's been hiding.

 

Stay strong and keep digging. You need her truth.

 

Demand a polygraph.

[DKT3]

Alive, this will get a lot harder before it gets easier, I know this, I also know that my wife's selfish choices have brought us here to where I am so insecure about what I know in my heart to be the truth that I am going on line to a forum to ask if what I see is the truth. Even now I have moments where I think maybe I am wrong, but my head has been telling me that my suspicions are correct. I will heal it will take time but I have already started this process.

 

 

At the time I got divorced my boss (who had been divorced a few years before) told me marriage is an emotional transaction, divorce is a business transaction. I only wish I had of listened.

 

Its hard but you have to put your emotions in your pocket, pull that sh*t out and deal with it later. You know she is cheating and have been for years, what other proof do you really need?

 

Some may not agree, but here is what I would do 1) move money like you have been doing 2) if you like the lawyer, have him draw up that papers 3) find a place for one of you to live (don't know the house situation) 4) detach and distance. Do not engage her 5) have her served and go you own way.

 

This will show her in a strong way that you mean business. Its a no nonsense way to rip the scab off and expose her. If you allow it she will gaslight the sh*t out of you and delay you from taking any actions.

[Bigdaddyt]

Quibist, I know I am over thinking this and I will take a break from posting until tomorrow. I have really started to rerun my entire marriage through my head and see that the red flags were everywhere and I didn't catch them. I am now looking at every time that I caught a red flag and looking at the circumstances around it and putting together a very clear picture of what was going on. I am doing a lot behind the scenes to uncover the truth.

[Bigdaddyt]

S2B, my Wife is the Jedi Master of the blame game and she knows how to manipulate me and pull my heart strings. I am gathering evidence but know it will not end well.

DKT3, I can live on a different level on my house, but I will probably just rent an apartment for the time being. I will make my divorce a fair business decision .

[starpower]

Maybe a phone call to her friend Jill to see if she come's out with anything. I wouldn't ask her directly if she or the wife have been up-to anything, as that might just blowup in your face. Maybe phone under the guise as a concerned husband trying to figure out what's upsetting his wife (which would be true?), and if it's their troubled friendship causing it.

 

If your wife is cutting all contact with her, they may have had a falling out, so it maybe worth a shot.

[Buckeye2]

People tend to project the way they think onto other people. (i.e. People assume everyone thinks like they do.) Your wife assumes that you’re cheating (doesn’t everyone) and you couldn’t conceive of your wife cheating.

 

In addition your wife gets a secondary gain (less guilt) if she assumes you’re cheating and will feel great relief if she finds evidence of it. That's why she looks so hard for it.

[Bigdaddyt]

Star Power, welcome to LS, I plan to call Jill but she will want to meet me in person. This is a very sensitive time and my wife may try to pull something to try and trip me up.

Buckeye, my wife will never find anything to use against me because I have never cheated on her. I can look back at our marriage and now see all of the times she accused me of cheating and now know it was to cover for herself or to help with her own guilt.

[kgcolonel]

Big Daddy

 

 

One suggestion, I am always help with just a little time to meditate as to a couple of key objective in the type of discussion you have before you:

 

 

1. Determine your main objective....helping your wife / marriage or determining whether or not you can go forward if you find out she has been unfaithful.

2. Your course of action if you get a positive response, negative response or even and maybe more than likely, no viable response. If you pre-determine your direction keeping in mind will help keep you on task and focused and hopefully avoid the negative emotional responses that will in the end prove to the counter productive.

 

 

Hope this helps!! We're here for you.

[turnera]

S2B, my Wife is the Jedi Master of the blame game and she knows how to manipulate me and pull my heart strings. I am gathering evidence but know it will not end well.

DKT3, I can live on a different level on my house, but I will probably just rent an apartment for the time being. I will make my divorce a fair business decision .

Have you read the book No More Mr Nice Guy yet? It will help a lot in this area.

[S2B]

Even if you stay married it seems you forfeit your peace of mind in order to do so.

 

It boils down to trust. If you don't have that in any relationship it's not the relationship you imagined or hoped for.

 

You are now seeing her for who she is and what she is capable of. Is it even worth continuing further? Especially since she's now blaming you. Her blaming you is designed that way so that your head spins and you can't decipher what is real. It's a manipulative tactic.

 

 

 

And my exH was very controlling too. After 20 years I discovered he wasn't who I thought he was. I missed those subtle queues throughout the years. But looking back I can see now what those prompts really meant. I was just naive to the evidence. His manipulative tactics look much like your wife's.

 

Have her move. The only way I could see what was really happening was when I removed him and his chaos from my daily life.

 

You need clarity. That clarity isn't likely to happen while she is still in your immediate personal space creating more drama around you to make your head spin even more.

 

Send her out on her own. Make her uncomfortable enough to get a job and earn her own money. Nothing ever changes when someone is comfortable. Leave her access to very little money and see how much she changes at that point. If nothing else, she will be busy enough to quit cheating so often.

 

It's harsh - but true.

 

Quit being so nice. It's time for her to change and be nice by respecting you - whether you stay or divorce!

 

 

Take care of yourself. You need to make you your priority now, not her.

 

And don't call Jill. Jill will cover for your wife and then tell her you were fishing for info. Your wife's evidence will surface when the calmer waters reveal what she's been hiding with her drama.