Should I do anything or ride this storm out

[aliveagain]

Alive, she is remorseful and crying there is a deep sadness in her and this does make me sad as well. If I would have cheated she would have gone crazy and went scorched earth against me. I am at peace but deeply saddened by these turn of events. I will divorce her, if I chose as painlessly as possible. She told me last night that she is so afraid to divorce because she knows how ruthless I can be.

 

 

Wrong reason, she should be afraid of divorce because she is loosing you and her family. Tell her that. Make sure she gets tested, the humiliation of testing also acts as a future deterrent.

Edited August 26, 2015 by aliveagain

[aliveagain]

One thing that bothers me, she claims the cheating happened 3 years ago but you just caught her in a bar with her trash friend and some boy toys Jill recently or am I wrong?

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I believe that she is going through all of her emotions and is in shock over everything. She tells me she doesn't want to lose her family and that she loves me and is so sad. I should be angry but I am just hurt and saddened by these events. Tomorrow is our 21st Wedding anniversary. I will do what I need to do and I will continue to dig for more evidence and evaluate what I find.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, no that incident was about three years ago. If that was her affair partner she really cheated down.

[aliveagain]

Alive, no that incident was about three years ago. If that was her affair partner she really cheated down.

 

That is very common, affairing down, they look for people with more problems than themselves so they can feel better about their issues.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, yes I am certain that this is the guy he was the room mate of Jill's boyfriend. He was a real winner.

[aliveagain]

How long did the cheating go on, was it a long term affair with one guy or multiple one night stands, this could make a difference. Long term affairs usually mean there was a intimate attachment. They always lie about using protection.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I am expecting trickle truth and lies for sometime to come. When or if we decide to try R, I am going to ask for a timeline and a full and complete admission. Possible a polygraph. I know that there is much more to this than I know.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: I also believe that my wife's current Bff knows what is going on, she shows up at the house on Friday with her Husband and we go out until late to avoid a confrontation and now out of the blue she is taking our youngest out for a two day trip with her family. It is so true that the Husband is always last to know!

[aliveagain]

All: I also believe that my wife's current Bff knows what is going on, she shows up at the house on Friday with her Husband and we go out until late to avoid a confrontation and now out of the blue she is taking our youngest out for a two day trip with her family. It is so true that the Husband is always last to know!

 

Get rid of all the people that knew about her affair or affairs and didn't tell you, they are facilitators and not friends of the marriage. If you decide on divorce tell the families the truth about her infidelity, don't spare her the shame of her actions, she needs to take full ownership. She chose to cheat, it was a conscious decision. She knew each time she planned and went out with her friends what she would be doing while you watched the kids. She could have said no at any time but here you are today another faithful husband with a cheating wife. Make sure the counselors you both use have experience with infidelity. If any of her affair partners were married and or in relationships expose them to their spouses so they are not the last to find out.

[sandylee1]

I think your wife is jealous of you actually. You sound like quite a catch and she knows it. Truth be told, I think single/divorced men can find a woman a lot easier than the other way round and even a younger one at that.

 

She commented on you looking after your appearance in a negative way, because she's insecure and she turned it to sound hurtful.

 

How are you going to get round the issue of no sex while living with her, but not reconciling?

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, My wife recently told me that she was upset that our daughters Boyfriends Mother thought that she was older than she was. I have an obsessive personality and I always want to look good and don't think that I am arrogant I just like to take care of myself. She is very insecure and is always trying to get me to skip the gym. In regards to no sex, that's a tough one two weeks is my limit before I start getting crazy. My wife knows this and she would always make sure we had relations around this time. Told me that she knows that I will cheat if she doesn't give me sex.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I will do this, I know now there was an affair and I know that it was semi long term. I need to know more about this and who it was with and who knew. I will cut off anyone that knew and didn't come forth and tell me.

[Clay]

Being insecure is not a excuse to cheat. You seriously need to stick to your guns. The others are right those friends have to go. I seriously doubt your going to get her to admit anything or ever get the truth out of her. I think if I was you I would do what a few others have along the way. That is just move on. Once she sees your on your way out the door she will either want to seriously fix it or she won't. I would not wait one second for her to come to you on her own.

 

C

[Bigdaddyt]

Clay, I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow and will have a clearer picture of what's my liability in this will be I expect around 5k a month. It may be money well spent. I assure everyone that I am preparing for the worst possible outcome to this.

[sandylee1]

 

 

I know someone who did something similar. She tried to fill her H with junk food and try and get him to skip the gym using distraction techniques. Then he would go at lunch time at work and she got more insecure.

 

She didn't cheat, but she was insecure because he's TDH (tall, dark and handsome), has a good career, has a few female friends and is very sociable.

 

He got remarried the same year they got divorced, even with the baggage of 3 kids.

[Clay]

Just know your not alone man. You are in good company. Most of us here have been through this and a couple of us more than once. See your lawyer and just take your time. Start changing the way your thinking every day. Try new things by yourself. Invest in yourself. You might be surprised at just how much you like this change.

 

Now I was not married in the same year as my divorce like some lucky guys lol

 

It took me 5 years to find the right woman and I have been with her since. There is not a day that doesn't go by that I don't show her my appreciation for her being a good woman.

 

Just take your time and enjoy yourself.

 

C

[happyman64]

BigDaddyT

 

 

I'm glad you got the truth.

 

 

Saddened that the truth is painful for you but at the very least now you know.

 

 

Watch your wife's actions going forward.

 

 

That will tell you all you to need to know who she is at this moment in time.

 

 

HM

[Bigdaddyt]

Sandy, that sounds like my wife always trying to get me to eat crap and not workout.

Clay, You mean that I am not special? lol I know that I am in great company and everyone here has helped me tremendously.

Happy man, I do know so much more in five days than I did in ten years.

All: I am headed home to deal with my WW. I will update everyone tomorrow on how everything works out. It should be an interesting night.

[Bigdaddyt]

All: Last night the wife was doing the 180 on me before she exploded on me in a fit of rage screaming at me and telling me how all of this is my fault. I was very angry but I didn’t lose my temper and just listened (VAR), she went on to tell me that when she was going out with Jill she was certain that I was cheating. She had at the time cloned my personal email and LinkedIn accounts on her IPhone and saw emails from a female coworker that she thought were inappropriate. The coworker was married and we were on the same level in the company that I previously worked for. The coworker did become a problem by telling me that she really liked me and started sending me gifts at work. I shut this down almost immediately, but I didn’t tell my wife. The coworker would send me emails which I deleted and I finally blocked her from my account.The coworker then started to go to my Linked In account and view it; which would then send an email to my personal email account, which my wife would see.I was unaware that my wife had cloned these accounts.

 

I told her that I never cheated on her and that this coworker was a problem and that I should have told her but that I didn’t want to upset her or cause her to worry over nothing. She went on to the point thatI was concerned for her emotional and physical health. She has not slept in days,so I told her that we need to take a break that I would put our boys to bed andthat she was exhausted and needed to sleep. Later last night my wife texted me in bed saying that she loved me and that she thanked me for caring for her.

 

I should have told my wife about this coworker but I didn’twant to deal with the drama, I have been very honest with this forum and haveput my heart out on my sleeve. I did not cheat on my wife ever, I have had many opportunities during our marriage but I never did. I do see how my secretive actions severely damaged my relationship with my wife. Today is my wife’s and my 21 wedding anniversary, I have made reservations for a very nice restaurant,but she told me last night she didn’t want to go. I said that I would keep these reservations and cancel them tonight if she still feels the same.

I will probably stop burning up this thread by posting so frequently and just update it from time totime to let everyone know what is happening in this drama. I want to thank you all for your continued support.I will leave this thread so that it will help someone else going through this crisis. Perhaps once I get it together I can even contribute to this forum.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[aliveagain]

All: Last night the wife was doing the 180 on me before she exploded on me in a fit of rage screaming at me and telling me how all of this is my fault. I was very angry but I didn’t lose my temper and just listened (VAR), she went on to tell me that when she was going out with Jill she was certain that I was cheating.

 

Here is what I got out of your post, bla, bla, bla, me, me, me, blameshift, blameshift, blameshift, bullsh*t, bullsh*t, bullsh*t. An adult who is totally into her marriage would have sat you down and told you her concerns rather than hitting the bars with her cheating girlfriends looking for strange dick. She simply rewrote your marriage to justify her intended actions. I would cancel your dinner reservations, what are you really celebrating, she just told you she broke her vows, the marriage doesn't exist. The rings she probably wore while cheating no longer represent what they were intended to represent. All she had to do was speak up and let you know how she felt about your associate and most of this might not have happened.

 

Her cheating had very little to do with the state of your marriage or even you, these are her bullsh*t excuses to justify what she wanted to do, cheat and ride some strange dick. She owns that 100% and do not accept any blame, throw it back at her. If this is how she feels than the two and a half years she has spent in independent counselling have been a big waste of time, get her a new counsellor, one with experience in infidelity. I would have a hard time wearing my wedding ring until I knew for sure I was going to continue on with the marriage. I would want new rings and new vows. Screaming at you is her way of making you back down, she wants you to be afraid of loosing her. The truth is, she already left the marriage. She broke this now she needs to fix it. Stand your ground, get your respect back, the respect she trashed with other man.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I do hear you loud and clear. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring and we are still sleeping apart. I have an appointment today of all days to see an attorney. I am slowly watching this drama unravel between us. It has only been six days, but seems like a lifetime. I probably will keep the reservations and go alone.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I know her comments are all BS, she has always been the master of blame shifting. I am just still wrapping my head around this mess and I know that we will not survive.

[aliveagain]

Alive, I do hear you loud and clear. I have stopped wearing my wedding ring and we are still sleeping apart. I have an appointment today of all days to see an attorney. I am slowly watching this drama unravel between us. It has only been six days, but seems like a lifetime. I probably will keep the reservations and go alone.

 

Don't do it man, it will only make you feel worse. Cancel the reservations, have her explain to her parents why your not celebrating your anniversary, actually she already gave them some bullsh*t story about your cheating with a co-worker, they most likely already know your having problems. Go out with someone you trust instead and tell them what's going on, you need someone you can talk to other than just us. Have you a brother, good friend you can confide in? What are you really showing her by going to the dinner by yourself? Do not appear weak, weakness is not an attractive trait, strength is. She needs to know your moving on with or without her. See what your lawyer tells you.

[Bigdaddyt]

Alive, I do have two brothers and two sisters we are close, my one brother was given up for adoption but we found each other recently. I have talked to my sister who wants to confront my wife, but I told her no. I will continue to move forward , I will cancel the reservations. I am coming to terms with this and already know the outcome. I have just been hoping that I could change this to something positive.