Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sandy, I will work on me and come out of this better and stronger. I am not going to destroy my wife regardless of the outcome.i will work hard to fix myself and to become friends again with my wife. We may not work out as a couple but I will be in her life forever because of the children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sandy, I will work on me and come out of this better and stronger. I am not going to destroy my wife regardless of the outcome.i will work hard to fix myself and to become friends again with my wife. We may not work out as a couple but I will be in her life forever because of the children. make sure she understands that clearly, she needs to know that you never intended to all this to happen in your Marriage, that you need time to digest everything and that would do the best for everyone involved you , her and the kids. Let her know that then ask her to do her part to make it as less painful as it could be . Honesty is the magic factor to solve all problems. You find that out in your IC. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 She admitted to cheating? I'm unclear from what you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Have you asked her for a timeline of events, how much cheating was involved, how many men, where. My guess is she saw what happened to her friends that she was cheating with, both ended in divorce. You caught her and her friend Jill hooking up with a couple of guys at the bar, she knew you were on to her by your actions. This caused her to panic, her aggression had to do with loosing control of a bad situation and her friends were loose cannons. They knew what she did and had this over her. You now know the truth or some of the truth and it's bad. Get both of you tested immediately for STD's. You will need to tell the doctor why so they do all the necessary tests. Testing for herpes is a special test and needs to be requested. Some STD's may not show up until 6 months after the event so additional testing may be required in a few months depending on when she last had sex with O/M. Do not have unprotected sex with her. Some Courts view intimacy after discovery as a form of forgiveness. You have an appointment with your lawyer tomorrow, find out your rights and plan your best course of action. Remember that divorce takes time and may work to your benefit if dealing with an unremorseful wayward wife. The process once initiated can be stopped anytime up until the final decree. They take you real serious when served and the papers are in their hand. This step isn't required if you have a remorseful wife willing to do anything to save the marriage. Ask your lawyer about a post nuptial agreement giving you a majority of the assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. They are hard to inforce but are a great deterrent against future infidelities. Nothing you did pushed her to cheat and throw that back at her if she uses that BS excuse, she did it because she wanted to and there is no other reason. She has been in independent counselling for two and a half years does that mean that was her last infidelity? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Qubist, I have and am very honest with my Wife about this whole affair and I told her that it may not work out between us. I believe that she is now seeing all that she stands to lose. She doesn't want to be the bad guy in this and she is remorseful but also has a lot of anger against me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 S2B, yes she did admit to cheating. Alive, I will get tested, she said that it was almost three years ago and she saw her girlfriends lives going downhill and knew she had to get out. I do not know if this is the whole truth, but this is enough to end the marriage for me. I will take my time to work through this and make a decision on what is the best course of action for us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Qubist, I have and am very honest with my Wife about this whole affair and I told her that it may not work out between us. I believe that she is now seeing all that she stands to lose. She doesn't want to be the bad guy in this and she is remorseful but also has a lot of anger against me. Well just how much anger would she have if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you having the affair? How angry would she be if you banged a few babes? It is you that should be angry for her not talking to you about her issues, banging other men is a poor way to deal with marriage issues. How does bringing other people into a already troubled relationship help the relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, she is remorseful and crying there is a deep sadness in her and this does make me sad as well. If I would have cheated she would have gone crazy and went scorched earth against me. I am at peace but deeply saddened by these turn of events. I will divorce her, if I chose as painlessly as possible. She told me last night that she is so afraid to divorce because she knows how ruthless I can be. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How can you forgive unless she gives you every little detail of what she expects you to forgive? You didn't drive her to cheat!!! Either a person moves to cheating or they don't. She's admitted she moves to cheating instead of telling you what may be bothering her. That's no way to solve any issue. How are you supposed to know when you don't know? It's her excuse for her bad behavior. And she wants you to accept that and forgive? There's much to work THROUGH "IF" you intend to forgive.. And what has she now changed about herself? If nothing about her has changed then you can be sure she will just cheat again. In that case she's only asking you to step up to the table for some MORE of her $hit sandwich. Again, where's your boundary? When you married did you vow to accept the unacceptable from her? If not, then she needs to prove that she doesn't intend to do the unacceptable anymore... And that takes time to show evidence for change. As long as she's blaming you - she's not taking responsibility for HER bad behavior - and there's no reconciliation to consider. You need time to sort through what's happened. Get help from an attorney. And figure out what kind of life you wish to have. If she's not willing to change all of her core values and the way she acts and participates - then you're only settling to stay married to a gal that expects you to accept a life where your wife cheats on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 S2B, I haven't forgiven her and we have not agreed to R we only agreed to not start the D process and live together separately in the same house and coparent together. I will start IC for me but I don't have all of the facts. I am certain that this house of cards will fall and everything will come to light. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Alive, she is remorseful and crying there is a deep sadness in her and this does make me sad as well. If I would have cheated she would have gone crazy and went scorched earth against me. I am at peace but deeply saddened by these turn of events. I will divorce her, if I chose as painlessly as possible. She told me last night that she is so afraid to divorce because she knows how ruthless I can be. Wrong reason, she should be afraid of divorce because she is loosing you and her family. Tell her that. Make sure she gets tested, the humiliation of testing also acts as a future deterrent. Edited August 26, 2015 by aliveagain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 One thing that bothers me, she claims the cheating happened 3 years ago but you just caught her in a bar with her trash friend and some boy toys Jill recently or am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, I believe that she is going through all of her emotions and is in shock over everything. She tells me she doesn't want to lose her family and that she loves me and is so sad. I should be angry but I am just hurt and saddened by these events. Tomorrow is our 21st Wedding anniversary. I will do what I need to do and I will continue to dig for more evidence and evaluate what I find. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, no that incident was about three years ago. If that was her affair partner she really cheated down. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, no that incident was about three years ago. If that was her affair partner she really cheated down. That is very common, affairing down, they look for people with more problems than themselves so they can feel better about their issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, yes I am certain that this is the guy he was the room mate of Jill's boyfriend. He was a real winner. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 How long did the cheating go on, was it a long term affair with one guy or multiple one night stands, this could make a difference. Long term affairs usually mean there was a intimate attachment. They always lie about using protection. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, I am expecting trickle truth and lies for sometime to come. When or if we decide to try R, I am going to ask for a timeline and a full and complete admission. Possible a polygraph. I know that there is much more to this than I know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 All: I also believe that my wife's current Bff knows what is going on, she shows up at the house on Friday with her Husband and we go out until late to avoid a confrontation and now out of the blue she is taking our youngest out for a two day trip with her family. It is so true that the Husband is always last to know! Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 All: I also believe that my wife's current Bff knows what is going on, she shows up at the house on Friday with her Husband and we go out until late to avoid a confrontation and now out of the blue she is taking our youngest out for a two day trip with her family. It is so true that the Husband is always last to know! Get rid of all the people that knew about her affair or affairs and didn't tell you, they are facilitators and not friends of the marriage. If you decide on divorce tell the families the truth about her infidelity, don't spare her the shame of her actions, she needs to take full ownership. She chose to cheat, it was a conscious decision. She knew each time she planned and went out with her friends what she would be doing while you watched the kids. She could have said no at any time but here you are today another faithful husband with a cheating wife. Make sure the counselors you both use have experience with infidelity. If any of her affair partners were married and or in relationships expose them to their spouses so they are not the last to find out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 I think your wife is jealous of you actually. You sound like quite a catch and she knows it. Truth be told, I think single/divorced men can find a woman a lot easier than the other way round and even a younger one at that. She commented on you looking after your appearance in a negative way, because she's insecure and she turned it to sound hurtful. How are you going to get round the issue of no sex while living with her, but not reconciling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Sandy, My wife recently told me that she was upset that our daughters Boyfriends Mother thought that she was older than she was. I have an obsessive personality and I always want to look good and don't think that I am arrogant I just like to take care of myself. She is very insecure and is always trying to get me to skip the gym. In regards to no sex, that's a tough one two weeks is my limit before I start getting crazy. My wife knows this and she would always make sure we had relations around this time. Told me that she knows that I will cheat if she doesn't give me sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Alive, I will do this, I know now there was an affair and I know that it was semi long term. I need to know more about this and who it was with and who knew. I will cut off anyone that knew and didn't come forth and tell me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Being insecure is not a excuse to cheat. You seriously need to stick to your guns. The others are right those friends have to go. I seriously doubt your going to get her to admit anything or ever get the truth out of her. I think if I was you I would do what a few others have along the way. That is just move on. Once she sees your on your way out the door she will either want to seriously fix it or she won't. I would not wait one second for her to come to you on her own. C Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bigdaddyt Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 Clay, I am meeting with an attorney tomorrow and will have a clearer picture of what's my liability in this will be I expect around 5k a month. It may be money well spent. I assure everyone that I am preparing for the worst possible outcome to this. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts