Determining who is at fault - I need some outside perspective

[rmcpher68]

This is a strange situation that I have yet to figure out. About 15 years ago I meet the love of my life. We meet while I was doing some flight training and I was very nervous about the situation. At the time she seemed out of my league as I was shy and reserved for a 20 year old guy. I hooked up with her while she was seeing an Airline Pilot who was 10 years her senior. This being said I had a brief affair with her that I was not mature enough to sustain and she returned to dating the airline pilot. I wrote this situation off to the fact that she was ‘wired’ with different morals/ethics than I was and that I was simply not in the same category of man she would consider for a relationship - Pretty simple stuff for being 20 although I was devastated by the situation.

 

Throughout my 20’s I didn’t date much. I was a commercial pilot who was enjoying being single but I always had a soft spot for her. She had since broken up with the Airline pilot and was single again. Eventually our paths crossed again through some mutual friends. It was very obvious that she still liked me. We had a get together with these mutual friends and she always warmed up to me – she made herself available to me and I had some reservations about being with her. I still felt that I would only get hurt if I gave into this. I struggled with this for a long time until she finally hooked up with someone else. Now I was about 27 and I still had very strong feeling for her but I seemed to be repressing them as much as I possibly could. I finally realized the mistake I had made and I sent her some flowers at work with a card. I don’t recall if I explained myself very well but she got them all the same. A week or two later we talked and she thanked me for the gesture but she seemed a little surprised at my behavior. She did not respond and I think it may have been due to the fact that I spend a lot of time prior to this ignoring her and not giving anything of myself.

A year or so passed and I was dating someone else at this point. Now our paths crossed again. We were very friendly with each other and it was nice to see her. I accepted the fact that she didn’t want anything but a friendship. At this point she had purchased a house with a new boyfriend and was living with him. I meet him and he seemed like a very nice guy. I broke it off with the girl I was seeing as she lived on the other side of the country. I started spending more time with her (the love of my life) and was enjoying the friendship that we had. A group of us went out on the town for the night and her boyfriend did not come along. The other mutual friend seemed to be a ‘partner’ in trying to bring us together as she insisted that I spend that night in her bed with this women due to the fact I could not drive. We spend the night in bed together and although nothing happened I enjoyed the experience.

A couple of months later I invited the mutual friends on a ski holiday to my brothers cabin. Ironically everybody cancelled out but this girl so we went together. We ended up sleeping together and I was a nervous experience for me again. She had a live in boyfriend and now I was having an affair with her.

This affair went on for a couple of months and but I was never really communicative about what I expected. In fact I simply cut it off and pushed her out. I didn’t discuss possibilities or even leave a door open for her to let her into my life. I simply shut down and cut her out. She seemed very disappointed but I did not discuss this with her. I simple carried on life as usually. She asked about getting together and doing things, she asked about children and future and I simply snubbed her. I became a very difficult thing for me to deal with. I had issues with the mutual friends and It affected all of those relationships.

One night we were at the mutual friends house and she came with her boyfriend. I had a couple to much to drink and decided to stay the night. She somehow sent her boyfriend on his way and got into bed with me. Again against ‘what I thought’ was my better judgment I slept with her and felt very close and ‘In love’ with her. She seemed concerned and was not happy with what had transpired. Again I didn’t express myself to her and communicated nothing. I drove her home and went on with my life. Around Christmas of that year I happened to drive her home from a pub where we had been for a drink I found out that her boyfriend had proposed to her. I was not comfortable going near her house now and I had a lot of pent up frustrations for this issue. I dropped her off and drove away. I got about a block away from her house and I turned around and came back. She seemed ripe for a fight and I had it out with her. I finally brought out all of these issues and had a real dust up. I finally told her that I loved her and that she was making a big mistake. She told me that I was to late and that she knew that I had told people about our affair. She was livid with me and wanted me to leave. She angrily kicked my stuff towards her door and asked me to get out of her hose. After this our mutual friend had a celebration for her Master Degree. I was invited so I showed up. I believed the event to be at the Mutual friends house but when I got there they we leaving for this girls house. The mutual friend asked me to drive her over and about half way there I finally spilled to the beans to her. 1-1/2years after this started. I explained that I was not welcome there weather she invited me or not.

 

From what I understand she got married to this man and had two children with him.

 

I removed these people from my life and I am only now starting to communicate with the mutually friend now for the first time in 5 years.

 

I just want an opinion on this situation.

I am an extremely reserved individual who has ‘back burner’ed’ emotion for many years. I had a hard time separating whether it was her issue or mine that kept us apart or hers. I don’t know if she would have left him for me because I never asked. I didn’t even give her the chance. I didn’t want to deal with the issue even though I loved her. I didn’t want to be in a position where she could have hurt me the same way she seemed to be willing to hurt him.

 

Should I have asked her to come with me?

Should I have told her that I loved her and wanted to be with her?

Or did I do the right thing?

 

This is just something that has always bothered me. I don’t want to demonize her just because it suits me. I want someone else’s opinion on the matter as it is quite possible she might come back into my life.

I am not expecting anything from her but I do have regrets and if I can make sense of this then maybe it will make it easier for me.

[moveovaaaa]

the past is the past for a reason....LEAVE IT THERE...and move on....move on...move on....lifes to short to think about the past.

[BrotherAaron]

Distancing her was exactly what you needed to do. She cannot mantain a relationship with you while seeing other people, and getting more involved with her would have been the worst decision you ever made. Now it's time to move on and find somebody new to call "the love of your life" because this one certainly is not deserving of that title

[Merin]

This Girl cheated on 2 Guys..

 

The Airline Pilot the first time and her Future (and now) Husband the second time..

 

Now while everyone makes mistakes, it doesn't seem that she learned from hers.. or perhaps she didn't regard cheating as a character flaw.. either way it doesn't say good things about her IMO.

 

At this point this is all water under the bridge.. you did tell her that you Love her and from what you've said she told you straight up it was to late.. so for that regret I suppose you can put that to rest.. she had the opportunity to try a real relationship with you but she chose not to.

 

I wouldn't fault you for being catious with this Girl when you were "with her" so to speak as you said if she would risk hurting the man she eventually married what would've stopped her from doing it to you.. and as it was/is she did hurt you anyway.

 

Time to let this go...

[rmcpher68]

I know this is water under the bridge. I just don't want to get pulled back into this situation. I am concerened about allowing the Mutual friend back into my life becuase of the potential baggage that might come with it. It would just feel better for me if I knew what to expect.

I don't think that this girl will have enough couth to avoid putting me right back in the middle again. I hope that she has matured but I would be very supprised.

Although I still love her - I know better and will not go back their again. It was much to painful to not only lose her but my friends as well.

 

Any advice on how to deal with this potential issue?

[Merin]

Originally posted by rmcpher68

 

 

Any advice on how to deal with this potential issue?

 

Don't ALLOW it to be a Issue.. nobody can do anything to you IF you don't allow them too.

This Girl is married with children and even if she wasn't think of her as a bottle of poison..

 

There isn't any reason you cannot be Friends with whom you choose to be... regardless if they are also friends with this Girl.. if the topic comes up then tell your mutual friend that while you understand that they are still friends with her and thats okay with you, that YOU CHOOSE NOT to have this girl in your life and you'd rather not discuss her.

[rmcpher68]

I think this is the way I would have delt with this anyway. I just want to make sure that I am not being stupid about it. I have a lot of baggage left over and I want to make sure that It does not affect my life going forward.

I have other peripheral people that are tied to her that come in and out of my life. One of these people is her father who she has been astranged from since the time of her marriage. I had previously blamed myself for this as I think that he may have been wise to what was going on between myself and his daughter. The whole thing is a big mess and I want to make sure that I don't get back there.

In retrospect I think I delt with this correctly. I have not thought much about it for 5 years but all of a sudden it all came back to light when the mutual friend contacted me.

Maybe i'm just being perinoid. Maybe I am overly cautious. I nevery really shared this with anybody I knew,. The way I delt with it before was to just simply disappared. I guess I will do that again if I get pulled back in. I will make sure I communicate this to the mutual friend as I think I owe it to her. I don't want this to be an issue anymore.

 

Thanks for your help.