Was his girlfriend, now I am the OW

[sad_bunny]

Not been here for some months and I never thought I am going to open a thread here, in the OW section.

 

This was my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/532430-should-i-tell-him-i-know-he-lying-cheating-pig

 

Things got better for me. I started seeing other people, made new friends, new hobbies. He was out of my mind. We had very LC. We met sometimes, and it was so nice, cause I did not feel anything seeing him. I thought I was over him.

 

3 weeks ago, on a Monday evening I passed by his house to give him some stuff he still had at my place. He invited me in, and after some talking about nothing, he suddenly kissed me. 10 minutes later we were in his bed.The whole next week, we had LC, he wrote me once or so, but nothing important. We said that was a mistake and that it would not happen again.

 

Exactly one week later, he called me and told me we need to talk. I was out with a guy, and told him that after the date I could see him. We met late at night, and he confessed that he loves me, can't stop thinking about me...we ended up in bad again and did not get our for a week.

He told me I am the one he wants to spend his life with, etc., but he cannot breakup right away with his GF, he needs some time. He said he realized he does not love her, cannot imagine a live with her, does not want to take responsibility for her child, after their honeymoon phase of 2 weeks, she started lying to him and acting crazy, everything is about the child. She's in therapy, because it seems like she did not recover after her divorce. She was broken up by phone some months ago out of the blue.

 

We spent the last weeks together, and I had all kinds of feelings, and I realized I want him back and I thought I could wait until he breaks up with his GF.

Turns out I can't! I am freaking out, I am jealous, anxious and sometimes I am just going put of my mind because I cannot understand why is it so hard for him to break up with her (he said he is emotionally unstable, and he wants to do this slowly).

 

It's been 3 weeks now, and we spent almost everyday together, except the days she visited him (exactly 3 times - she lives in another city).

 

He told her two weeks ago that things are not working out the way he thought, but did not break up with her and since then she did not act crazy, she's all sweet and bla bla.

 

Now he seems confused, he did not tell me that, but I just feel it. Just this morning he told me he loves me, but they will spend the weekend together and my stomach is flipping...I feel like I am back to square one

 

We will go on holiday next week, that was something very spontaneous. But on the other hand he and her planned 2 months ago a holiday at the sea with the child. Tickets are booked, her family paid and there's no way back he told me. I am dreading that week.

 

Maybe that's a good thing that they will spend the week together, maybe he'll realize once more, that that is not the life he wants. He and I, on our trips, were always exploring the neighborhoods, going on adventures and doing crazy stuff. Now he is going to stay in one hotel for one week, doing almost nothing.

 

I really want him back. How should I act, what should I do? I cannot think clearly, just laying numb in my bed. Should I believe him?

 

Any input is appreciated.

[elaine567]

He is a cheater, he has history, what do you expect?

He betrayed you with an ex of 9 years, now he is betraying his gf with his ex, ie you.

He is an opportunist, I doubt he can ever be faithful to one woman.

He is stringing the both of you along and will continue to do so as long as you let him.

[Mrin]

Wow. I am kinda stunned at what I just read. I can't believe you are letting yourself be just used like this.

 

That being said, I would bet real money that this guy is or at least thinks/thought he was the father of her child. No guy goes from local serious GF (he proposed right?) to long distance new mom (another guy's child) still married GF. Actually the only reason he does that is:

 

1. He absolutely doesn't give a rip about local girl (You): if that's the case then you have to ignore all of his sweet talk BS and he values you about as much as he values a sheet of paper towel that he used to wipe the gunk from the bottom of his shoes.

 

2. He is head over heels in love with long distance new mom still married girl: if that's the case then you have to realize that you will never hold a candle to her in his eyes

 

3. He thinks he's the father of long distance new mom still married girl's baby: if that's the case then you have to realize that he's been sleeping with her for much longer than you suspected. Not only is he a home wrecker and a cheat and a liar, he's also now trying to become a deadbeat dad by walking away from the mother of his newborn child.

 

So remind me, why would you give this POS the time of day?

[sad_bunny]

I am sure 100% he is not the father of the child. The kid looks exactly like her still husband.

 

He is not a home wrecker. Her husband left her over phone. That's why she us in therapy. When my ex, reconnected with her, her ex-husband already filed for divorce.

 

We have been together for 1,3 years. He never cheated on me, I am sure of that. I treated him badly from time to time (I am not blaming me, just saying), and when he re-met her (1 month before he broke up with me) they reconnected. He told me, he thought he had feelings for her. They were in the same situation: she's been divorcing, and he was not 100% happy with me, because i treated him badly sometimes, acting crazy. And yes, this is true, I had a very hard year at work.

 

I am pretty sure, he is not in love with her. He cares about her maybe, but not in love. He's been on a business trip last week, and when he returned, he could have stopped in her city, but he came directly to my place.

 

I don't know what to think. I am already head over heals in this and I am kinda looking forward for out holiday next week.

[sad_bunny]

He is a cheater, he has history, what do you expect?

He betrayed you with an ex of 9 years, now he is betraying his gf with his ex, ie you.

He is an opportunist, I doubt he can ever be faithful to one woman.

He is stringing the both of you along and will continue to do so as long as you let him.

 

Elaine,

Yes he cheated on me.

And the story is:

He cheated on me, with a girl he has been dating 8-9 years ago. I recently found out they were only 2-3 months together back then.

 

Right now, 3 months later, he is still with that girl, and he is cheating on her with me, because he says he figured out that he wants me, and not her but is just waiting for the right moment to break up with her.

 

In his past relationships, he's been faithful. He has had some long term relationships and all ended because the Gf's cheated on him or dumped him.

[Grapesofwrath]

His pattern of behavior indicates that he overlaps relationships to avoid being alone. When he wants to end his primary relationship, he finds someone new first. He likes to have a soft place to land. Not uncommon.Once he is with you, there is a very high chance he will do the exact same thing again. Maybe with her, maybe with someone else. His assertion that he was faithful to all previous girlfriends is dubious, in my mind, based on the history that you know. He may remain faithful during the majority of the relationship, but once he has decided that the relationship has run its course, he ends it by involving a third party. Perhaps in those cases he was not ready to end it, so there was no third party involved on his side...yet.

 

If he is waiting for the right moment to break up with her, let him wait and find the right moment. I would suggest that you wait for the right moment to get back together with him, and that moment would be AFTER he breaks up with her.

[Artie Lang]

he's a sly one, isn't he. he lured you back in and you fell for his game hook, line, and sinker. he has two women at his beck 'n' call now and is gonna wait to see how far he can take things before he needs to make a real decision.

 

good luck with that.

 

 

you don't really want/need him back... he's making you think you do by playing the "push/pull hot/cold" game guys play on women to emphasize their unavailability. makes them more desirable- i want what i can't have, sorta thing.

Edited August 21, 2015 by Artie Lang

[ladydesigner]

(((sad_bunny))) I'm sorry I know how much this hurts.

 

I think your best bet going forward is to drop him like a hot potato!

 

I would end it and go NC and put all the focus on YOU! Find someone who will treat you better than this! You do not deserve to feel this way and neither should she!

 

If he already has stats like this he is a loss in my eyes. This man is not marrying material why would you want to waste any more of your time on him?

 

YOU are worth more, way more

[jwi71]

... because he says he figured out that he wants me, and not her but is just waiting for the right moment to break up with her.

 

When is the right time to break up with someone? Is there ever a good time to drop that awful bit of news?

[Be_Strong]

I wish women would do the following:

If a man with a significant other tells you he loves you, but needs time to break up with her, put his "love" immediately to the test. Tell him, "if you love me you'll go with me right now at this very second to your wife/girlfriend and explain to her that you are in love with me and ending your relationship with her to be with me. If you're not willing to do that, you don't love me and please don't ever contact me again."

 

Actual love is not selfish, but selfless. If the man truly loved you he would put your needs and wants over his own or some other person. It sounds like the OP's man only loves himself and just wants her. Wanting somebody is not the same as loving somebody.

[BlueIvy]

He doesn't love you or respect you. He is playing both y'all. IDK why you need an analysis when the truth is literally in your face. IF HE wanted you, he would have dumped her. Regardless, why would you want a serial cheater?? He will just cheat on you again.

 

Besides, is this the best you can do?? A man who keeps cheating on you? If so, then continue to be a side chick.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Sometimes we can have a very close intimate mental / emotional connection with someone who turns out not to be reliable / responsible / trustworthy.

 

The reverse is true too - someone can be the most moral / reliable person on Earth and we may not connect with them emotionally.

 

You need *both*

 

Best wishes .... I'm sure it's difficult right now, but I suspect you know what you should do

[Grapesofwrath]

 

Actual love is not selfish, but selfless. If the man truly loved you he would put your needs and wants over his own or some other person. It sounds like the OP's man only loves himself and just wants her. Wanting somebody is not the same as loving somebody.

 

The bolded. Can we get T-shirts made?

[sad_bunny]

I am such an idiot!

You are all so right!

Some time has passed and I am questioning what I realy want.

 

We went on that one week vacation.

He and his GF had low contact, but seeing him lying to her about where he was and what he was doing with every detail set up made me wanna smash his head!!! He is such a liar and it all made me realise that he is doing the same with me. Actually I caught him with some lies, confronted him and he told me he does not want to hurt me. I was like "Really?!?"

On the last day of our trip, I couldn't control myself and we had a talk. I told him I want to end things right then. He said he loved me and he will break up with her as soon as possible. I have that feeling that he won't, but why the hell is he telling me he loves me?!? He also told me that I am his best friend, the closest person he has. We talk about everything, including intimate stuff about her..

Also, he told me he cares about her, but in the future he does not see him moving to her city, he does not want to take responsability for her child he just needs time to figure out how to break up with her.

 

I am in such rage! And cannot stop blame me for getting me into this. I am back to square 1, right where I was 3 months ago. And I am tired of picking me up from the floor again and keep going!

 

I feel like calling him right now even if I know that he is with her and tell him to go to hell! And sometimes I feel like calling her and telling her everything! I won't do it, but it crosses my mind from time to time!

I just needed to vent a little bit!

[Be_Strong]

And sometimes I feel like calling her and telling her everything! I won't do it, but it crosses my mind from time to time!

For most of my life, before I found this forum, I was under the general impression that there was a sort of sisterhood among all women where they looked out for each other, and if I ever tried to cheat with another woman, she would just immediately run to my significant other and tell on me. But after reading so many stories on this forum, I've learned that 99% of the time, the OW will not tell the BW about the cheating.

 

I guess I can sort of understand an OW not telling the BW when the OW knowingly enters into a relationship with a committed man. The OW is like a partner in crime with the man in that scenario. But where the OW is an unintentional OW, such as when the OW believes the guy is single when she first starts seeing him, once she finds out that she has been scammed, why not immediately go to the BW and tell her that they both have been conned by the dude?

Edited September 2, 2015 by Be_Strong

[sad_bunny]

I entered the R knowing about her. She's the woman he left me for some months ago. Back then, we as a couple were not in a good place.

Since I last posted here, I calmed down, and I decided I won't tell her.

[sandylee1]

What do you think the future holds for you with him ?

 

I mean I'm no clairvoyant, but it's plain as day that EVEN IF he breaks up with her, he'll continue cheating. One woman isn't enough for him.

 

How about you tell him you've started seeing someone and when he drops the a GF, you'll drop your BF. Do not be available every time he calls you.

 

Don't sell yourself short.....he's a serial cheat...what's the attraction to a guy who can't be faithful? Money? Sex? Super personality?

 

Dump him and move on.

[sad_bunny]

I did not dump the guy. My gut told me not to. I think I know him well and can say that he's not a serial cheater.

 

Two weeks ago I went crazy, asking questions, all we talked about was her, her, her. I had like 10000 question and started obsessing. Then I felt like I need to stop all the questions, because all I did was putting pressure and ruin our time together. We got into some serious fights.I told him I wanna break up, he stopped me telling me he loves me.

 

For the last week, I did not ask anything about her or their relationship, I just acted as if she does not exist. Things were good between us, we could enjoy again our time together.

 

They spent two days together. She came visiting. (they are in a LTR) Then yesterday evening something unexpected happened. He told me that they had a talk about their R. They did not break up yet, but he told her that it's not working. She said she noticed that he's not giving her the same attention than before and that she wants him to seriously think about what he wants.

Point is that he told me the latest in 2 weeks from now, after clearing some things like, getting stuff back, giving stuff back, finishing the work they started together they will be broken up.

 

I am still not sure if I should believe all this. I have lots of mixed feelings.

 

I kinda believe him, especially that he told me all this after I stopped asking, putting pressure or anything. He did not tell me all this, just to make me stop questioning.

 

Do you think it's just a game? But I do not see any point in telling me they had "the" talk.

 

What do you think?