My Ex[25F] and I[27M] - talked last night after 1.5 month breakup

[sparkyspark]

Backstory:

 

My ex-girlfriend and I dated for about a year and a half. During this time we had mostly a ton of high notes, we had a blast together, enjoyed each others company, loved talking to each other, laughed, had fun, and went on fun dates and had great sex. But to her there was always something a little off. We spent a lot of time together, sleeping over daily and talking all day while at work. This wore us both out after all that time and little things started to creep up that would annoy the other person. They were never major just small things.

 

The major difference was that she is a spiritual lady who values religion and I never really understood this or tried to learn about this, even when pressed. I always stated I was Agnostic but open to the possibility of learning all about religion. We would talk about it and we would say we would but when push came to shove we never did this together and even though I wanted to it always fell off. This made her feel she wasn't the priority because I didn't take this seriously. We would just fall back to where we were, what we were doing.

 

We continued the relationship after having this conversation a few times months apart, we never really took a 'break' during this relationship. But towards the end everything was great, we took a mini vacation trip, dates, and everything. We had a great date 2 days before we broke up that we both mutually had a great time. And I was finally seeing the light on everything and putting in the additional work to show that she was the one. But then we don't see each other for a day because I had some work event and then the next day she breaks up with me stating she thinks we are 'too different' and our cultures don't match up. Lets just say that I was caught off guard (even though we had these talks before) since I was finally turning the corner and going above and beyond to show that she was the one. During this breakup talk I took it hard (as most of you understand), I did the normal things revolving begging and promising change but she was strong in her convictions, wrote her a lengthy letter talking about how we could turn this breakup into the foundation of something stronger. Even now I don't regret what I wrote in the letter to her after re-reading it a month+ later, I just wish I would have sent it NOW and not a few days after the fact.

 

The reason I say I wish I did now is because I believe we both needed to break up. We needed to take a step back to re-evaluate everything. We weren't making the necessary changes in our lives to make this a long term relationship/marriage. We both had our faults (her with being her own independent women with her family and me with my commitment to a relationship and my priorities) but because we enjoyed each other these issues would be brushed under the rug after having a conversation about it (and I wasn't the best at having these conversations to begin with and something I have worked on).

 

I admit now that this breakup was what I needed to push me in the direction that could make it work out for the long haul. I have been doing the reading about theology that I mentioned above on my own, been working out, no longer smoking, basically stopped my drinking (was only a social drinker on weekends to begin with). I have taken everything that was wrong in our relationship to heart to improve myself.

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The phone call yesterday - one hour+:

 

Lets just say I couldn't help it and texted her saying I wanted to hear a familiar voice and catch up. I was honestly expecting no answer at all and would have accepted it. But she called me back immediately. We did the normal catching up, talking about our lives, what we have been doing, how we have been working on ourselves and in what ways. I told her all I said above about the general improvements to myself and how I have been taking everything she said to heart. I apologized for my earlier begging, and I told her I agreed that we needed a change to the relationship and breaking up was the right move at the time and that I kinda gave her no other choice because she deserves the best she can have.

 

We are on the phone for about an hour plus. Just laughing, talking about life, and gossiping. I tell her about my new found reading of religious texts that she was so mesmerized with. How I was working out, not drinking or smoking anymore, quit soda (this was big on my self improvement list), reading about communication and relationships. I eventually ask her what she thinks about going to dinner with me since it had been a while since we broke up but she says "I am sorry but I'm not ready yet to do that". She knows I want to reconcile and I feel she would have been straight and forthright with me if there was no chance in the future. She knows how much work I have put in to this and we share similar dreams and aspirations. I just don't know how to convince her beyond giving her more time apart to continue to work on herself while I work on me.

 

I am well prepared for the standard comment on this message board that I need to "move on" and "don't wait", but I truly believe if we went out together once it could change her impression about what we had. It is just how do I get her to that point. This isn't my first relationship and I am aware that breakups happen and you have to move on, but this one just felt different from the beginning so that is why I am even writing this just to seek an external opinion. I know that I just need to give her 'more time' and then reach out at a later point in time where we have had time to heal from this breakup and start over fresh and court her again.

 

Basically I am wondering have people been in a similar spot as this? Did you reconcile and how long did it take/what was the convincing thing you did to have them go out with you and give you an honest chance?

 

If anyone has any questions at all about anything I said above please let me know, I am happy to discuss further to shed more light on the situation.

[La.Primavera]

I respect your decision to not move on so I won’t suggest that. What I will say is that even if there is a chance that you can reconcile, I am concerned that you might be doing it at the expense of your own values and right to be yourself. You said she deserves the best she can get, but don’t you deserve the best as well? It is great that you want to improve yourself and be the best person you can be, but you also deserve someone who accepts you for who you are, and what you believe. Religion and faith are very personal things and should not be forced on anyone, although I can see why you would consider it given how strongly you feel about her.

 

Just another thing to consider, when she said that she wasn’t ready to have dinner yet, are you sure she meant that as needing more time apart to work on yourselves with the idea of reconciling one day, or did she actually mean she that she wasn’t ready to do that because she wants to make sure that there are no feelings on either side so you can just be friends? I assumed she meant the latter, but you would have a better idea what she meant than I would. Anyway, I just thought I would mention it on the off chance you hadn’t considered that possibility. From what you have said, she has not told you she was open to reconciling in the future so be careful not to assume too much just yet.

 

In regards to a time frame, it is really hard to know in this situation. You can’t make all the effort, she has to be willing to meet you half way as well. The fact you can still communicate with her is a good thing. Keep the lines of communication open, and hopefully in time you can figure out where you stand with each other.

 

Good luck.

[sparkyspark]

Thanks for your advice, appreciate it sir. Helps put things in perspective

[La.Primavera]

I'm not a guy, but you're welcome!