Midlife Crisis at 30??

[Ashbash11]

Hello,

I haven't posted here in a long time!! I'm wondering, is there such a thing as a midlife crisis at age 30?

 

Here's my situation: I've been married for 2 years, and my husband and I live together in a very boring Maryland suburb. We both have full-time, stable jobs that we like (for the most part), good salaries, decent cars, living the "American dream", right? We even have a fluffy, cute adopted cat that we got from a homeless animal shelter. We recently purchased a house in a better town (small coastal city with more activities, natural beauty, and more young people).. On paper, my life appears to be great.

 

However... lately, I have been questioning my life decisions. I question my career choice (I work in public schools with major budget cuts, high stress job, little thanks for the work), my marriage (husband and I have many problems, never been to couples counseling, but I want to go), and just my life choices in general. I feel like I'm trapped in this life I have created, but it's my own fault because my current life is the result of choices I have made!! Basically, I am not happy. I don't want to live the traditional American life. I'm not the type of person who wants to be settled down, married, homeowner, with 2-3 kids and a minivan.. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in my career for now, due to huge student loan debt that will be forgiven in 10 years because I work in "public service." So.. there's not much leeway in that realm.

 

I hope my post is making sense. I guess what I'm asking is, does this sound like a midlife crisis of some sort? I constantly find myself wondering, "is this all I have to look forward to?" Is this all that Americans strive for? To work a 9-5 job, be married, have kids, work until you're old, and then retire? I just don't see myself living this kind of life for too long.. This kind of life lacks adventure and excitement, both of which I crave all the time. I know it sounds selfish, but my ideal life would be working abroad, or a job that requires frequent travel and that is not routine. I also don't even know if getting married was the best decision. I just feel so lost.. and I'm wondering if this is normal for this age. Not to mention, my friendships have changed immensely... everyone is coupled up, busy, and distant. I don't think I have ever been so lonely as when I left graduate school and entered the "real world" 5 years ago... It's been really difficult to build deep friendships as well as maintain old, close friendships from college and graduate school. 30 is a damn hard age. Can anyone relate?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

You're not having a mid life crisis, you're just responding to being married when you shouldn't be. If you wanna be happy, you need to; get divorced, find a good job that will pay off your debt fast, so you can enjoy life abroad, before you get too old to enjoy it.

[goldbond]

Many, many people can relate to this. So you don’t want to change your job, can you change your marriage? Have you discussed your not wanting to have kids/minivan? If you work for a school, don’t you have summers off to travel/adventure?

 

Are your cars paid off? If not, sell it buy a nicer used car and use that $$ to pay off your debt quicker or fund your travels. Move closer to work/don’t drive at all, etc.

 

I mean why did you buy a house anyway...? If you don't have kids an apartment would be just fine/cheaper.

[Ashbash11]

Goldbond-

 

Yes, we have discussed children and my husband feels the same as I do: his life is fine without them, but he maywant them at some point...In which case we would discuss it. To answer your other questions: my car is not paid off, no. I still have 4 years left of the loan. The reason we decided to buy a house is purely financial: we planned to stay in Maryland for at least 5-7 more years, and it just made more sense to build equity in a property rather than continuing to throw money away on rent. We also plan to rent out a room to a friend to help pay our mortgage/pay down debts.. Ugh, I sound so boring just saying all of this!!!

 

I wasn't really seeking advice about specific aspects that I mentioned, (eg, car, job, house, etc.) but more about the bigger picture: that at this age, I'm doubting myself and the choices I have made thus far. And the fact that our society leads us to believe that if we have all of those things I mentioned (married, house, car, kids) that we should be happy and grateful for it, and not want anything more. And I'm wondering if others in their 30's, even 40's feel this way? Or am I just a chronically unhappy person?

 

Well.. I definitely DO want something more. Something more exciting, adventurous. I want to wake up and feel excited and energized. I want my life to be different, and I don't know if I have made the best choices in order to achieve this. But, I feel guilty for feeling this way, because as I mentioned in my original post, my life seems "perfect" on paper. But it's missing close social connections with friends, excitement, adventure, and passion. I don't know how to get that back. that's why I'm so drawn to working abroad or the peace corps type of situations, because they are challenging, new and exciting.

Edited August 22, 2015 by Ashbash11

[Robert Z]

I can't speak to your psychological issues but I do know that you should be brutally honest about what you want. Life is too short to be wasted. I wasted most of my good years on a terrible marriage. I wish I had walked at 30 instead of 50.

[Tayla]

You are re evaluating your goals in living. Its common for some who transcend the material, 9-5 lifestyle. Good for you in realizing there is so much more to Living then money can buy. You can't buy back years wasted in the american delusional dream. Where there is concern, there can be resolutions. It comes down to weighing options with reality. Can you pick up and take your marriage with you? yes. Can you move away, yes. Then comes the interesting part... would you really be up to that change? When dreams collide with real responsibilities that have been self chosen... a person tends to weigh in on what is the rational thing to do... and oddly ... those that rationally choose to follow there passion somehow remain content and happy ... even in an american house with a cat.

[AlurOne]

I'm reminded of something said by the great George Carlin: "It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."

 

Finding what you want in life is difficult enough, and executing is even tougher. Especially when we are crammed with social norms and perceptions about life that we need to shed before we even know that there is more to search for.

 

I'm with you, Ash. The 2.5 kids and white pickett fence arent in the cards for me. It's what I always thought I was working towards, but there was always an emptiness to it. Then when I was 30 (I'm almost 36 now), I was divorced from my high school sweetheart, and as hard as that was, it was really the beginning of my life. I moved to NYC and started over.

 

As it turned out, what I needed was time by myself to figure out who I am and what I want. Well, I still don't necessarily know exactly what I want lol. But I'm moving towards it, I can feel that.

 

The idea of spending time alone and learning about yourself is in direct conflict with the married life and working toward the "American Deam". But it sounds to me like that's what you might need.

[Ashbash11]

Thank you for your replies, everyone!

 

Alurone- Thank you for your input. It made me feel better to know that I am not the only 30 something woman who feels this way. Change is hard.. and scary. And I worry about hurting my husband. Although we have our problems and conflicts, we sincerely love each other and I don't forsee us getting divorced. It's difficult for me to envision what my "dream" life would look like with my husband included in it. I don't want to be selfish, but I also want to be happy.. It's a difficult balance to achieve! For example, if I were to quit my job and move abroad to work for a few years, where would that leave our marriage? Long distance marriage is not ideal (we already did long distance for 3 years when we were dating, and it was emotionally draining and extremely difficult)....

 

And now that we've purchased a home, would it be awful of me to move away and leave him with the house, to find a roommate for years? Or try to sell it? And student-loan wise, I would need to find a non-profit job abroad (501 c) in order to be eligible for forgiveness. As you can see, there are a lot of barriers or at least factors to consider before I make any sort of major life change. However, if my life continues as it is, I feel like I'm going to hit a breaking point and end up leaving anyway.. I'm in a very weird place emotionally right now.

 

The other piece of this is that my unhappiness permeates everything I do. I'm having trouble making friends in Maryland because I think people can sense my unhappiness and unwillingness to fully embrace my life here. It also permeates my marriage: so... I agree with all of what you've said, but I guess I need some concrete ways to move toward a better life.

[AlurOne]

Thank you for your replies, everyone!

 

Alurone- Thank you for your input. It made me feel better to know that I am not the only 30 something woman who feels this way. Change is hard.. and scary. And I worry about hurting my husband. Although we have our problems and conflicts, we sincerely love each other and I don't forsee us getting divorced. It's difficult for me to envision what my "dream" life would look like with my husband included in it. I don't want to be selfish, but I also want to be happy.. It's a difficult balance to achieve! For example, if I were to quit my job and move abroad to work for a few years, where would that leave our marriage? Long distance marriage is not ideal (we already did long distance for 3 years when we were dating, and it was emotionally draining and extremely difficult)....

 

And now that we've purchased a home, would it be awful of me to move away and leave him with the house, to find a roommate for years? Or try to sell it? And student-loan wise, I would need to find a non-profit job abroad (501 c) in order to be eligible for forgiveness. As you can see, there are a lot of barriers or at least factors to consider before I make any sort of major life change. However, if my life continues as it is, I feel like I'm going to hit a breaking point and end up leaving anyway.. I'm in a very weird place emotionally right now.

 

The other piece of this is that my unhappiness permeates everything I do. I'm having trouble making friends in Maryland because I think people can sense my unhappiness and unwillingness to fully embrace my life here. It also permeates my marriage: so... I agree with all of what you've said, but I guess I need some concrete ways to move toward a better life.

 

I feel for you, because it sounds like you know what's holding you back, but you're having a hard time confronting it. I felt this way for a while towards the end of my marriage. For some time after too. I don't mean to say that you should leave your husband or that it's going to happen at some point, but I get the impression that you feel it's going there eventually.

 

Some people can go through life's motions and never scratch the surface of reality, never feeling any need to explore. Others understand there's more, but find their own comfort zone fulfilling enough to keep them there. But it sounds like you're looking for something, and you may not find it while staying comfortable.

 

I think it takes a special kind of relationship with a special kind of person where both are equally able to grow in their own way, and have that growth appreciated by the other. No matter how much my ex wife and I loved eachother (and we did dearly), it didn't make us compatible in that particular way. Parting ways was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but it was necessary even if I didn't quite understand why at the time.

[empresario]

You are very normal.

 

 

The best part is, you are in control of your own destiny. I don't think you're questioning your marriage at all. You're questioning the risks you've taken and those you plan to take.

 

 

I was a corporate programmer making 6 figures a year by 22. Next year I had quit that job and moved into my Aunt's basement to be an entrepreneur. I was never happier.

 

 

Most people say life moves very quickly after you graduate college. I disagree with that to my very being.

 

 

Life appears to move quickly after college because every day is the same. Same job. Same couch. Same routines.

 

 

You know how many lifetimes I feel like I've lived the past 5 years? At least 10. Because every day is different. I live my life on my own terms and though I am 28 I feel like I could be 60. I had to create a new bucket list because my first one was too easy. Every year feels like I just experienced decades.

 

 

So to me, you aren't having a crisis, you are just living in your own personal hell.

 

 

Find what you want to do and do it. Simple as that.

 

 

EDIT: One more quote...a personal mantra. "Every man wakes up. Every man goes to sleep. Doing what you want between those two things is the real dream."

[Grumpybutfun]

Happiness is a choice. You are choosing to see your life as "boring" therefore it is lacking in your mind. You are seeking a high that you may have found I n your youth where you were free and could be whomever you wanted. Now, you feel stuck and even the luster is dulling off your marriage and husband as you realize he isn't Prince Charming.

This is a quarter life crisis....and it is getting more and more common as life gets easier and people,live too long in their heads, expecting joy from what others tell them "should" bring them happiness.

Honestly, you are lacking something within you....a new husband, new job, new location won't fix this. This is a spiritual matter that only enlightenment, helping others or finding your true purpose in life will help. Finding peace and joy through internal examination is something I have done many times in my life (40s) and what it taught me was that my wife, my kids, my career, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my location cannot give me what I do not know I need for my soul.

What motivates you? What gives you purpose and joy? What makes you think? What motivates you to change what you don't like or want anymore?

When you figure out the nature of your heart, you will figure out what you need to do with your time and your energy.

Good luck, hope this helps!

Grumps

[Ashbash11]

Alurone,

You really seem to understand what I am going through based on your replies. Yes, on some level I do feel that my marriage might end.. In all honesty, I have felt that my marriage is holding me back from something.. I'm not quite sure what that something[/i] is yet, though. And I feel terrible because I love my husband very much, he's my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. BUT, now there are two of us, and I have to consider his feelings and how it would affect our relationship, were I to move abroad for a few years, or do some odd job that requires extensive traveling (what I'd really love to do). I agree that I am looking for something and I may not find it while staying comfortable, that's very true. Do you think a lot of people "stay comfortable" because it's safer and easier? Did you find what you were looking for in your life after you got divorced?

 

empresario,

While I appreciate your sentiments, for me, it's not as easy as just "find what you want to do and do it." As I wrote in one of my previous replies, what I want to do doesn't coincide well with the life I have created (eg, husband, house, student loans, etc.) I have a lot of barriers blocking my "dream" life.. and I don't know how to overcome them!!!

 

Grumpybutfun, you touched on a crucial point: I am definitely lacking something within myself... and I'm aware of this. I am actually seeing a therapist now to try to work through some of my personal issues. However, I haven't found therapy to be incredibly helpful. I've seen many therapists in my life actually, but not much has come out of it. I thought that maybe an outside, objective perspective on my situation would help, but not so far... To answer your questions: traveling, learning new languages/experiencing new cultures motivates me. Being involved in a strong social circle motivates me. Adventure, excitement, freedom, creativity all motivate me. Traveling, helping others, giving and receiving love, nurturing others, all give me purpose and joy. I have been motivated to change within the past few years because I have been dreadfully unhappy. Downright miserable, actually. To the point of becoming extremely depressed, gaining weight, and mental/physical health suffering. Putting all of my effort and time into work, and nothing else. Not nurturing hobbies or interests due to exhaustion.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Ashbash11

[Liveman]

Hey Ashbash

 

I'm an (almost) 29 year old man who is having similar thoughts with a few minor differences. I live in the capital of Canada, a conservative government city where rules,laws,convenience,curfews seem miles ahead of joy and happiness.

 

Working in banking for 7 years I quit this year and started my new job as a Personal (Fitness) Trainer. I'm in a caring relationship but I have all these thoughts a desires of things to fill (The void).. I thought my new found job would. It is so rewarding I love the "in the moment" work with people it really is amazing. But yet this void similar to yours still remains..

 

I'm starting to wonder if it is just the grass is always greener with me? Do I just need to work more internally on my perception of life and how blessed I actually have it compared to Billions struck with poverty and that when or if I do travel far abroad and drop everything is it really going to fill that internal void? Will it maybe increase the void size because of ties I cut to get there?

 

These are the things I'm searching answers for.. For now Keep Calm and you know the rest

[AlurOne]

Alurone,

You really seem to understand what I am going through based on your replies. Yes, on some level I do feel that my marriage might end.. In all honesty, I have felt that my marriage is holding me back from something.. I'm not quite sure what that something[/i] is yet, though. And I feel terrible because I love my husband very much, he's my best friend, and I can't imagine my life without him in it. BUT, now there are two of us, and I have to consider his feelings and how it would affect our relationship, were I to move abroad for a few years, or do some odd job that requires extensive traveling (what I'd really love to do). I agree that I am looking for something and I may not find it while staying comfortable, that's very true. Do you think a lot of people "stay comfortable" because it's safer and easier? Did you find what you were looking for in your life after you got divorced?

 

Yes I definitely think a lot of people stick to their comfort zones for those reasons. We all do this with regard to lots of different things. With regard to my marriage, I held on to what's comfortable for some time. I wasn't proactive about ending my marriage, but more like watched it fall apart while I fearfully clung to its remnants. That's how hard it was... Even though I knew in my heart it was best for it to end, the sadness of it all was overwhelming.

 

In a way I found what I was looking for... I didn't really know I was even looking until maybe a year or so after we separated. For the first time I lived alone and had no choice but to get down to soul searching. So I kind of realized I was looking to figure out who I am, and that's a process that doesn't have an end. It became clear after a while that I was growing in ways that I never would have conceived if I were still living within the parameters of my married-life aspirations. Not to say one life would be better or worse, but some ways are for some people and other ways for other people.

 

Maybe ask yourself, if money were no concern and your husband wanted to/could go with you while you live your dream, would you want him there with you? Or would you still find that to be limiting in some way?

[Grumpybutfun]

Mans Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl might put some perspective on your situation....I found it to be something to consider. Sometimes the life we have is enough until we can physically place ourselves in different circumstances.

Best,

G

[newmoon]

stay in therapy. you're fantasizing about a better life when it sounds like the one you have is pretty darn good. you want to quit your job that is helping to pay off debt in order to go abroad for less money and more debt? you want to quit your marriage so you can do what... live free and single again, go on endless dates and then come back on here to post when you're lonely that you haven't found someone, and oh my gosh, your biological clock is now ticking and you gave up your perfect life and perfect husband and now you're 35 and things are dismal again. you're in a cycle we all go through at various times and stages - when we question what we're doing and whether we still want it, and whether we should dump it all and start anew. most of the time it can be solved much easier than we realize; you can tell your husband you'd like to go on an extended holiday (alone) for a month and just go and do it. you can quit your job and find a better one that will pay you more so you can pay the debt without the government helping to forgive it. you can still make choices, you;re not trapped at all except by your own thoughts and (un)action

[DC77]

Have you discussed any of this with your husband? Why would it have to be leave it all or nothing? ... I do agree with Grumpy. Happiness is about perspective. There are ways to introduce adventure and excitement into your life without leaving everything you have. And what you do have, as boring as you say it is, is something that so many people strive for. A loving marriage. Good job. Financial security... Those are huge for this day and time.

 

Boring is in your head. A state of mind. Find a passion. Learn to rock climb or road bike or something. Find ways to travel abroad. Perhaps even volunteer opportunities abroad that allow you to apply your skills. A couple of weeks or months at a time. They're out there. And volunteer work can be extremely rewarding and would still bring you back home to your husband...

 

One last thing about looking for greener grass, it always comes with sacrifices. I left a cushy life years ago and a relationship of 10 years. I now live in "paradise." I've had to make huge lifestyle changes, financial changes, bouts of loneliness, and personal sacrifices to live here. And the glitter does eventually fade. Even though I wouldn't change a thing, I will say you'll have to have some thick skin and broad shoulders when reality kicks in...

 

And PS, I have a student loan too, I made the decision and sacrifice to not kill myself trying to pay it off early. It will cost me a several thousand dollars more in the end, but it's worth it to have allowed myself to live in the now. It will get paid off eventually.

[Justanaverageguy]

Hello,

I hope my post is making sense. I guess what I'm asking is, does this sound like a midlife crisis of some sort? I constantly find myself wondering, "is this all I have to look forward to?" Is this all that Americans strive for? To work a 9-5 job, be married, have kids, work until you're old, and then retire? I just don't see myself living this kind of life for too long.. This kind of life lacks adventure and excitement, both of which I crave all the time. I know it sounds selfish, but my ideal life would be working abroad, or a job that requires frequent travel and that is not routine. I also don't even know if getting married was the best decision. I just feel so lost.. and I'm wondering if this is normal for this age.

 

I thought that maybe an outside, objective perspective on my situation would help, but not so far... To answer your questions: traveling, learning new languages/experiencing new cultures motivates me. Being involved in a strong social circle motivates me. Adventure, excitement, freedom, creativity all motivate me. Traveling, helping others, giving and receiving love, nurturing others, all give me purpose and joy. I have been motivated to change within the past few years because I have been dreadfully unhappy. Downright miserable, actually. To the point of becoming extremely depressed, gaining weight, and mental/physical health suffering. Putting all of my effort and time into work, and nothing else. Not nurturing hobbies or interests due to exhaustion.

 

 

Yes recently been through something similar. Don't worry its very normal and you are not alone. Perhaps starting to realize that societies ideal is not actually ideal for everyone. More to life then work and money Quite honestly though your post could have been written by me a couple of years back. I would say regarding the marriage - don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Right now my guess is you are feeling stagnant and a little trapped in your life which has become a mundane 9-5 grind. You likely need to change your life .... but that doesn't mean you need to change everything in your life. Bringing variety, new challenges, adventures and experiences into your life can also help reinvigorate the relationships you have. People get bored of talking about and doing the exact same things together.

 

I think this quick video might sum up kind of how your feeling right now. Alan Watts is one of my favorites.

 

Then maybe another one of his other talks might help with some ideas of what to do next.

 

Your home loans, car loans whatever are only road blocks if you let them be. I made the move overseas have been living in Europe the last 18 months - I was able to transfer with work and rent out my house. I'm meeting new people learning new languages and culture, traveling. Still I have found this has actually made my urge to do other things much stronger. Thinking of now completely leaving my stable high paying job to do something a little crazy and chase some dreams. Good luck

Edited August 25, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Els]

I think people can encounter crises at any time or age, unless they are the sort of person who never questions their life or future.

 

I'm all for introspection and making changes if you feel truly unsatisfied with your life, but on the other hand I would also urge you to be wary of GIGS (grass is greener syndrome). It doesn't just apply to relationships, but to everything else in life as well, including career.

 

I'm close to your age, and the opposite of you career-wise - I ditched a 9-5 life for the career of my dreams, and have currently started my own business. And while I can say that I am happy 90% of the time, well, 10% of the time I still question my life decisions. A lot. I'll see my peers being able to easily afford things that I would want - a house that isn't leaking and moldy, nice clothes, nice food, to travel without pinching pennies ... and sometimes I think, "****, is it really worth forgoing all of this to follow my 'passion'?"

 

Most of the time, though, I do believe I made the right choice for myself, at least for the present time. What I'm trying to say is, I think doubts are a normal part of life, and you need to really know and understand yourself to decide whether the doubts have merit or if they're just passing thoughts.

 

Hope I didn't go off on too much of a tangent.

[Diezel]

You only plan on living til age 60?

[AlurOne]

 

I think this quick video might sum up kind of how your feeling right now. Alan Watts is one of my favorites.

 

Always a thumbs up for Alan Watts.

[empresario]

 

 

empresario,

While I appreciate your sentiments, for me, it's not as easy as just "find what you want to do and do it." As I wrote in one of my previous replies, what I want to do doesn't coincide well with the life I have created (eg, husband, house, student loans, etc.) I have a lot of barriers blocking my "dream" life.. and I don't know how to overcome them!!!

 

 

Actually, it is just as easy as that. Since this is the internet and anonymous, I'll let you in on a little secret that I've never mentioned on this forum to date....

 

 

I was once married. Yup, I said it. The truth is, I got conned into a marriage by a girl that wanted to take advantage of my wealth. In my early 20s I was so desperate for love (stemming from an abusive father and from never receiving affection from the opposite sex). She ended up living on my salary, spent all my money, and was running up my credit. The ironic part, is that because she was spending my 100k/year salary, I had no means to create a better life for myself. I felt trapped.

 

 

The resulting separation, divorce, and lawsuit from her I knew would leave me with a lot of debt and my miserable corporate programming gig. Buttttt....

 

 

It really was as easy as leaving her, moving into my aunt's basement, and starting my first company. It wasn't easy psychologically. Psychologically you feel like you've dug your own grave. But in actuality it was that easy because you control your own actions.

 

 

You want to know the difference between people that are happy and people that are not? It's not luck. It's putting yourself in the position to be happy. And it's never too late to start doing that.

[Ashbash11]

stay in therapy. you're fantasizing about a better life when it sounds like the one you have is pretty darn good. you want to quit your job that is helping to pay off debt in order to go abroad for less money and more debt? you want to quit your marriage so you can do what... live free and single again, go on endless dates and then come back on here to post when you're lonely that you haven't found someone, and oh my gosh, your biological clock is now ticking and you gave up your perfect life and perfect husband and now you're 35 and things are dismal again. you're in a cycle we all go through at various times and stages - when we question what we're doing and whether we still want it, and whether we should dump it all and start anew. most of the time it can be solved much easier than we realize; you can tell your husband you'd like to go on an extended holiday (alone) for a month and just go and do it. you can quit your job and find a better one that will pay you more so you can pay the debt without the government helping to forgive it. you can still make choices, you;re not trapped at all except by your own thoughts and (un)action

 

Newmoon, I have to disagree with you. I would not call my life "perfect" or even "pretty darn good." If it's so great, why do I feel this constant emptiness, despair, boredom, and lack of passion for living? My whole point in posting this question was that on paper, my life seems "perfect," "great," etc.. but the life I have is not how I envisioned it to be at this age. I'm severely unhappy, and it is leading me to question everything, including all of the decisions I have made thus far. Also, to clarify: I have no biological clock. That's actually a myth. And I do not plan to "go on endless dates" as you say.. I'd be perfectly happy as a single person. I'm fiercely independent. I was raised as a self-sufficient only child. I spent a lot of time alone or with adults, so I matured quickly. In any case, I do agree that an extended vacation abroad would be nice.. but it's not realistic. Now with home ownership expenses, it would be very self-indulgent of me to go on a long vacation alone. I just don't/won't have the finances to do so.

[Ashbash11]

Everyone else-

THANK YOU for your replies! It has been very helpful to read about your own experiences.

 

DC-77: Yes, I have discussed my feelings with my husband. He seems to not know how to react, or what to say. He usually just goes quiet... I think he feels like it's his fault on some level, like he can't "make me happy." And then I have to reassure him that it's my own issue... It doesn't have to be all or nothing, but to give more details, my husband is going to graduate school part-time (one class at a time) for the next 5-6 years, and it's being paid for by his work. His contract states that he has to continue working there for 2 additional years after he gets his Masters. So.. basically, he's "stuck" here for the next 5-8 years. And therefore, if I want to stay married to him, I have to stay here too, OR I can move away and we could do a long distance marriage, which of course presents its own set of challenges. I'm unlikely to do that because we were in a long distance relationship and it was terrible.

 

Justanaverageguy: I think it's very admirable that you moved to Europe and you are going to continue pursuing your dreams. Did you have to overcome any obstacles in order to do this? I appreciate the videos you posted, too. Very helpful!!! Working abroad would be amazing, but it's not the only option I've been considering.. I'm also looking into just simply moving to a different city or state, maybe one I have never lived in before.

 

Elswyth- Hi! Long time no see!! I agree with you. It's important to think about whether these doubts have any merit, or are just passing thoughts. I think in my case, it's both. They do have merit because I'm more unhappy than I've been in a long time. There has to be a reason. But... there are other days when I think, "wow, I'm so happy that my husband and i live in the same state now, and i have a good job, and a nice cat." Haha.

 

To address those who have suggested "getting a higher paying/better job and paying off all your debt": This is difficult. Here's why: I am a school psychologist, which is a highly specific degree. There really isn't much I can do with this degree other than work in schools, or maybe a hospital setting. But I get paid a teacher's salary. You all know that teachers don't get paid much in this country, right??? I'm actually very grateful for the Public Service Forgiveness program. Without it, I would be living in poverty, because my loan payments would be so high. Here's a new question: do you think I can make it for 5-7 additional years and figure out a way to be happy? If happiness comes from within, what can I do to nurture it? I've tried various activities/hobbies and meetup groups to meet people, but I have been largely unsuccessful, and I leave feeling more depressed. It's like I have this constant empty feeling inside. And everyday seems the same... they all just blend together.

 

As an aside: I want to add that I've noticed when I travel, or go back to Boston (where I went to graduate school), the heavy, despairing, empty, depressed feeling lifts. I feel energized, excited, and hopeful. But as soon as I return home, I get a feeling of dread. That's how I knew something had to change. But I don't know what, or how. I just feel like something isn't quite right inside of me. I thought that I could work on myself with therapy, which I'm trying to do, but it's not giving me any clarity. I feel very lost. Clarity is what i need.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Ashbash11

[Standard-Fare]

Ashbash, I do think around 30 is that age where you start to feel like some doors are shutting. The possibilities that once seemed infinite and endless seem to close off.

 

Here's a quote that I related to from Miranda July: "It’s kind of about letting go of that feeling of my 20s, that feeling that I will do absolutely everything, I will have sex with everyone, I will go to every country,” she says. “In your 30s, it’s obvious that a finite amount of things will happen.”

 

You acknowledge more firmly than before that your life has an expiration date, that time passes by quickly, and you're not going to be able to do all those things you once thought you would do.

 

I'm not saying this to be a downer. I think there can be inspiration found in these realities, in giving you extra motivation to actually focus on the things you really want.

 

In your case, you are repeatedly mentioning travel here. You need to pursue that. Talk to your husband about it, look into options for living/working abroad or even taking a year off to travel once this school year ends. You can rent out your house in Maryland. Do it!