Midlife Crisis at 30??

[newmoon]

Newmoon, I have to disagree with you. I would not call my life "perfect" or even "pretty darn good." If it's so great, why do I feel this constant emptiness, despair, boredom, and lack of passion for living? My whole point in posting this question was that on paper, my life seems "perfect," "great," etc.. but the life I have is not how I envisioned it to be at this age. I'm severely unhappy, and it is leading me to question everything, including all of the decisions I have made thus far. Also, to clarify: I have no biological clock. That's actually a myth. And I do not plan to "go on endless dates" as you say.. I'd be perfectly happy as a single person. I'm fiercely independent. I was raised as a self-sufficient only child. I spent a lot of time alone or with adults, so I matured quickly. In any case, I do agree that an extended vacation abroad would be nice.. but it's not realistic. Now with home ownership expenses, it would be very self-indulgent of me to go on a long vacation alone. I just don't/won't have the finances to do so.

 

you're funny. good luck.

[Ashbash11]

Why am I funny? Do tell!

[regine_phalange]

I went through a similar crisis (and still kind of am but less) at age 27. It's the time in our lives that society expects us to be doing "great" in several areas. In my case I was left alone with myself for longer than usual (single, my brother and my best friend moved away) and faced several of my flaws or mistakes that I hadn't faced before. It was a very painful period of my life, so much that I felt like dying. I regretted every single choice I made in the past. But I feel that now I have a better perspective and feel more at peace. I don't regret my choices anymore, I'm glad I had this crisis now at 27, a good age for having this knowledge and moving on. The mood swings come back from time to time but I get out of them faster. It's like an earthquake with lava. Can be a disaster, but then the ground is more fertile than before. The choices are yours, you can change your mind anytime about them because this is life.

[newmoon]

Why am I funny? Do tell!

 

if you really read what you wrote (initially) and then read a few of your responses back.. you contradict yourself quite a bit. you describe yourself as A and then tell us you're doing B, or want to do B. so, it's funny, in its contradiction. but, you're obviously confused... more introspection needed, i assume.

[Ashbash11]

Thanks, Newmoon. That's exactly what I needed: criticism.

[DatingDirection]

When I was 26, I lived with someone. I felt trapped, even though I loved him. I'm 31 today, and I feel much better not being with him, because now, i only have myself to focus on. Although, I feel the same way you do, im not happy with my career road, im questioning everything. I'm in the middle of doing a vision board, so i can get a feel and a vision for the life I want.

[No_Go]

YESSS

 

When I read your post, I could relate to almost everything, although I'm in a different situation in life (not married, living in an exciting city).

 

But at the time I turned 30, or to be honest, shortly after I finished grad school (28),.... I entered my midlife crisis. I was a happy single, didn't have the creeping thoughts of kids and retirement, I thought I have made the best career choice... By age of 27.

 

Now, at almost 31:

- I want to get settled but I'm scared of losing my freedom

- I want kids but I'm scared am I going to be a good parent

- I want a career but I need to make a switch because I realized i also want a job: 1) that pays well 2) leaves me time to focus on other things too

- I'm happy with my decision to immigrate but feel nostalgic sometimes

- I want to travel but have to save

- And the best one: I'm still young but feel old! For real, if anybody asks me how old I am I'm almost tempting to say something like - in my 4th decade, or oh, too old to discuss

 

But on the bright side, I'm sure this is just a crisis and time for redefining priorities in life.

 

Cheer up, the "real life" just started for us

 

Hello,

I haven't posted here in a long time!! I'm wondering, is there such a thing as a midlife crisis at age 30?

 

Here's my situation: I've been married for 2 years, and my husband and I live together in a very boring Maryland suburb. We both have full-time, stable jobs that we like (for the most part), good salaries, decent cars, living the "American dream", right? We even have a fluffy, cute adopted cat that we got from a homeless animal shelter. We recently purchased a house in a better town (small coastal city with more activities, natural beauty, and more young people).. On paper, my life appears to be great.

 

However... lately, I have been questioning my life decisions. I question my career choice (I work in public schools with major budget cuts, high stress job, little thanks for the work), my marriage (husband and I have many problems, never been to couples counseling, but I want to go), and just my life choices in general. I feel like I'm trapped in this life I have created, but it's my own fault because my current life is the result of choices I have made!! Basically, I am not happy. I don't want to live the traditional American life. I'm not the type of person who wants to be settled down, married, homeowner, with 2-3 kids and a minivan.. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in my career for now, due to huge student loan debt that will be forgiven in 10 years because I work in "public service." So.. there's not much leeway in that realm.

 

I hope my post is making sense. I guess what I'm asking is, does this sound like a midlife crisis of some sort? I constantly find myself wondering, "is this all I have to look forward to?" Is this all that Americans strive for? To work a 9-5 job, be married, have kids, work until you're old, and then retire? I just don't see myself living this kind of life for too long.. This kind of life lacks adventure and excitement, both of which I crave all the time. I know it sounds selfish, but my ideal life would be working abroad, or a job that requires frequent travel and that is not routine. I also don't even know if getting married was the best decision. I just feel so lost.. and I'm wondering if this is normal for this age. Not to mention, my friendships have changed immensely... everyone is coupled up, busy, and distant. I don't think I have ever been so lonely as when I left graduate school and entered the "real world" 5 years ago... It's been really difficult to build deep friendships as well as maintain old, close friendships from college and graduate school. 30 is a damn hard age. Can anyone relate?

[DatingDirection]

I TOTALLY FEEL THIS WAY! I feel so alone, because i never hear my friends say anything like this. I feel as though im going through an early crisis. It get's better though, i hope.

 

Now, at almost 31:

- I want to get settled but I'm scared of losing my freedom

- I want kids but I'm scared am I going to be a good parent

- I want a career but I need to make a switch because I realized i also want a job: 1) that pays well 2) leaves me time to focus on other things too

- I'm happy with my decision to immigrate but feel nostalgic sometimes

- I want to travel but have to save

- And the best one: I'm still young but feel old! For real, if anybody asks me how old I am I'm almost tempting to say something like - in my 4th decade, or oh, too old to discuss

 

But on the bright side, I'm sure this is just a crisis and time for redefining priorities in life.

 

Cheer up, the "real life" just started for us

[No_Go]

I'm sure it gets better, 30s is just the defining decade of life in terms of big decisions (it could be 20s for people that left school or married earlier).

 

I've spoken to friends about it and very few are open to say it publicly because it is still consider "bad" to admit aging or being frustrated about it But I have no doubt many people go through the same crisis.

 

I TOTALLY FEEL THIS WAY! I feel so alone, because i never hear my friends say anything like this. I feel as though im going through an early crisis. It get's better though, i hope.

 

[craw]

You're not having a mid life crisis, you're just responding to being married when you shouldn't be. If you wanna be happy, you need to; get divorced, find a good job that will pay off your debt fast, so you can enjoy life abroad, before you get too old to enjoy it.

 

Wow, this is so crazy - this is my reason why I want to move to Europe so badly.

 

 

Just to say I woke up and worked there.

[craw]

Ha! I can totally relate to you, my 30th Bday was the day you posted this thread.

 

It was a little depressing, I'm no where as successful as you are, but I feel it's a huge transition for us 80's babies.

 

I'm 30, I certainly don't feel or act like it either.

[Justanaverageguy]

 

Justanaverageguy: I think it's very admirable that you moved to Europe and you are going to continue pursuing your dreams. Did you have to overcome any obstacles in order to do this? I appreciate the videos you posted, too. Very helpful!!! Working abroad would be amazing, but it's not the only option I've been considering.. I'm also looking into just simply moving to a different city or state, maybe one I have never lived in before.

 

As an aside: I want to add that I've noticed when I travel, or go back to Boston (where I went to graduate school), the heavy, despairing, empty, depressed feeling lifts. I feel energized, excited, and hopeful. But as soon as I return home, I get a feeling of dread. That's how I knew something had to change. But I don't know what, or how. I just feel like something isn't quite right inside of me. I thought that I could work on myself with therapy, which I'm trying to do, but it's not giving me any clarity. I feel very lost. Clarity is what i need.

 

Yeah there were lots of obstacles - but for me I guess I had a couple of advantages. 1. Recently ended a long term relationship so had a bit more freedom & 2. I was well off financially. The thing is that comes with its own hurdles slightly different to yours.

 

Most people I know would not have made the jump and most people thought I was a little bit crazy because I did. Particularly people at my work. I was in a very successful high paying role - senior manager at a very large IT software company at a very young age. I worked my ass off to get there and was about 15 years younger then anyone else in a similar type role. Which is all great - making lots of money to "get ahead". But I didn't enjoy my life - it was supper high stress, long hours. Work and not much else. I was stagnant. So I had to take a substantial drop down in money and move backwards position wise but I forced through a move to Europe. People say yeah its great you have the freedom to do that but its very hard to walk away from $$$$. People at work and my parents and some close friends were also like do you really want to waste the last 10 years of hard work to move to Europe ? Why would you give up the money and financial security ? You have a once in a life time opportunity in your current role. Think about the future .... think about when your older ..... won't you regret it ?

 

Life is about taking risks and taking on new challenges. I can tell you that the grass is not always greener on the other side .... but it is always different and we as humans crave new challenges, new experiences and want to expand and grow. I had this mindset of saving money, buying houses, getting financially secure. But seriously you only live once. I now see money not as a survival tool .... but as something for me to use to live my dreams and experience the things I want to out of life. I want to enjoy living life continuously ..... not tough it out and put my nose to the grindstone and be a slave for 40 years to be happy when I am 60

 

When you look at it that way the house, the fancy car become not so important. I have simplified my life greatly and I don't regret it. You are 30 and you don't have kids yet. When are you going to travel, explore the world if not now ?? Even if its not the world then new cities and new places. A change is as good as a holiday. Yes - You could change your husband. Yes - You could change your job. Yes - You could change your location. But I think the real change you crave is a new challenge and a new experience. Something that puts you out of comfort zone and makes you feel alive again. I think you need to look within yourself and find out what your passions are - what will bring you happiness on a daily basis. Maybe you don't even need to travel to find that.

 

Another saying I like - Many men go fishing all of their lives without realizing its not the fish they are after. A person who loves what they do .... is happy to do it even when they are not landing the big fish and making the big $$$. Strangely they also normally become the most skilled at their job because they do it even when the conditions aren't right - it makes them a better more skilled fisherman and strangely actually more likely to land the big one.

 

What is it you are trying to get out of life right now ? Are you just concerned with the big fish making the money to be secure .... or enjoying the experience of fishing ?

Edited August 28, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[lino]

This is exactly why marriage scares the crap out of me.

 

If I marry my girl and work hard to provide everything we need... Then one day she wakes up and decides it's not enough? Then where am I left?

 

Half my assets down the toilet and back to square one? No thanks!

 

And people wonder why honest men are reluctant to marry.

 

Enjoy what you have!! You're so fortunate for Christ's sake!

[Ashbash11]

Datingdirection-

What's a "vision board?"

 

Nogo-

I'm glad you could relate to my post.. You really captured the ambivalence that I'm feeling (and it seems like a lot of other 30-somethings feel). The whole "I want to travel but need to save, I want to get settled but I'm scared of losing my freedom." That's exactly how I'm feeling. Very ambivalent about everything. I hope you find your way.

 

Craw- happy belated birthday. I don't feel or act like I'm 30, either. I feel younger than I am.. it's strange.

 

Justanaverageguy- you hit the nail on the head. I'm craving challenge and excitement, and Iwant to feel alive again.. Yes yes yes! That's exactly how I feel. The daily 9-5 routine that I'm stuck in feels like prison a lot of days... I feel trapped by student loans that I was stupid enough to take out several years ago, and I just feel trapped by the decisions I have made in general. The responses stating "you have it so good, stop complaining" are annoying. My whole point in the original post was that most people in my daily life say the same thing- "why aren't you happy? You have it all! A husband! A good job! etc. etc." The thing is, those things don't make ME happy necessarily... It all looks great on paper, but I feel trapped and miserable much of the time. And I take ownership of that feeling, because I made these choices. I'm the only one to blame. The primary feeling I have is that there has to be more to life than this... I just feel like I will live this way until I'm 60, then retire, and then die shortly after. I'll work until my death. It just seems so incredibly depressing. There has to be something else.. another way of living. Yes, perhaps there is a way that I can make my daily life more passionate and exciting, but I haven't found that yet. As I said, I tried some meetup groups, hobbies, etc.. but I still feel the same. I was toying with the idea that maybe I'm depressed? I suppose it's possible, but others i know who are my age don't feel the way I do. They accept their miserable existence and live with it. You asked what is it that I'm trying to get out of life right now? Well.. I don't really know. I guess I'm just trying to make it day to day, pay off my loans, and gain work experience on my resume.. that's about it. Basically just get by.

Edited August 31, 2015 by Ashbash11

[Justanaverageguy]

Justanaverageguy- you hit the nail on the head. I'm craving challenge and excitement, and Iwant to feel alive again.. Yes yes yes! That's exactly how I feel. The daily 9-5 routine that I'm stuck in feels like prison a lot of days... I feel trapped by student loans that I was stupid enough to take out several years ago, and I just feel trapped by the decisions I have made in general. The responses stating "you have it so good, stop complaining" are annoying. My whole point in the original post was that most people in my daily life say the same thing- "why aren't you happy? You have it all! A husband! A good job! etc. etc." The thing is, those things don't make ME happy necessarily... It all looks great on paper, but I feel trapped and miserable much of the time. And I take ownership of that feeling, because I made these choices. I'm the only one to blame. The primary feeling I have is that there has to be more to life than this... I just feel like I will live this way until I'm 60, then retire, and then die shortly after. I'll work until my death. It just seems so incredibly depressing. There has to be something else.. another way of living. Yes, perhaps there is a way that I can make my daily life more passionate and exciting, but I haven't found that yet. As I said, I tried some meetup groups, hobbies, etc.. but I still feel the same. I was toying with the idea that maybe I'm depressed? I suppose it's possible, but others i know who are my age don't feel the way I do. They accept their miserable existence and live with it. You asked what is it that I'm trying to get out of life right now? Well.. I don't really know. I guess I'm just trying to make it day to day, pay off my loans, and gain work experience on my resume.. that's about it. Basically just get by.

 

I think this is what most people feel at some stage in their 30's or perhaps even early 40's. I think for many its a combination of the "stagnation" but also the lack of meaning and purpose they see in their current work. Like I said the realisation that hey money really isn't everything and material gain and money whilst it is great to have - isn't were you find lasting happiness and satisfaction. Some push it down and just stick on the straight narrow rails society has tried to pen people into .... but some it just keeps coming back up.

 

The good thing is like I said .... you don't actually need to change "everything". You don't have to end your marriage because you feel boxed into your current life or feel that maybe it lacks some purpose. You also don't even have to quit your job in many cases.

 

Here is a basic idea as a starting point. Have you explored the idea of seeing if you could take a temporary leave from your work ? If money is tight maybe even just a month. Then do something that is challenging, adventurous, requires you to explore and develop yourself and perhaps has some more meaning and purpose to it. Something like a volunteer holidays working in a remote community. They actually turn out to be budget effective due to the work you do while there. It's actually also not a bad thing to put on your CV especially if it lines up in some way with your profession and sometimes work places even support and encourage these. I know mine actually does and has specific type of leave you can apply for when doing community projects. This site has some options. 10 of the Best Volunteer Abroad Organizations - Goodnet

 

Also why not offer for your husband to do the same with something he is interested in ? It doesn't have to be the same as yours it could be something completely different he always wanted to do. Often marriages go through issues because people don't give each other enough room to breath and do their own things. Being close is great .... but having a partner who lets you spread your wings and do your own thing when you need to can also put new life and energy into a relationship. If you explain it to your husband properly so he doesn't feel he did something wrong or that you are being selfish he may be more understanding then you think.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Justanaverageguy

[Els]

This is exactly why marriage scares the crap out of me.

 

If I marry my girl and work hard to provide everything we need... Then one day she wakes up and decides it's not enough? Then where am I left?

 

Half my assets down the toilet and back to square one? No thanks!

 

And people wonder why honest men are reluctant to marry.

 

Enjoy what you have!! You're so fortunate for Christ's sake!

 

Uh, Ash's husband isn't 'providing everything they need' - they both work full-time and she is contributing to their mortgage (which, if you bothered to read, is part of the reason for her dilemma). I'm also not sure why you're trying to make this thread about you and into a gender war (and you need to read up on your state's de facto laws, but that is besides the point).

 

The primary feeling I have is that there has to be more to life than this... I just feel like I will live this way until I'm 60, then retire, and then die shortly after. I'll work until my death. It just seems so incredibly depressing.

 

If you didn't have those loans to pay off and the mortgage over your head, what sort of job would you want to do? Could you possibly start doing that on the side instead, and see where it goes? If you do well, would it be possible to pay off your loans that way?

 

As you're genuinely miserable most of the time, it seems to be more than a temporary phase or GIGS - you really do need to take some time to try and figure out what you want and need. Is there anything wrong with your marriage, or is it just that you realized it isn't for you?

[Ashbash11]

Justanaverageguy and Elswyth, you guys are awesome. Thank you for all of your support and ideas.. It really means a lot to me that complete strangers take the time to respond to my posts and actually give helpful suggestions. :-)

 

Justanaverageguy- I think your idea is a great one: doing a short excursion involving a challenging activity, volunteer work, etc. I've been wanting to do that for a while now, actually. But I have to "fit it in" to my work schedule. Summertime would actually be best, as I get part of the summer off (I'm an 11 month employee, but we can take a month off usually)... You know, on that note, I was actually going to start saving up for some sort of trip alone this summer anyway. I'm really feeling like I need that. You also brought up a great point: my husband and I definitely stifle each other. We spend most weekends together, evenings together... we hardly ever go off and do separate activities or hang out with separate friends. Things have become old and stale.. And we are stuck in a routine, often one that involves fighting and bickering. I 100% agree with you about allowing your partner to "spread their wings" and therefore allowing new life to come into the relationship. I think we need this more than anything.. we need to change up the routine. I think that's a big part of my unhappiness actually.... feeling "stuck" in a routine. Often, I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence. I will check out the website you sent. Thanks!!

 

Elswyth- Thank you for defending me! To answer your questions, I don't actually know what type of job I would do if I didn't have the loans and other bills.... Maybe I need to do some soul searching. haha. But, I can tell you that I would want to do something to help others, and that is challenging and involves travel or some aspect of a foreign country. I actually looked into jobs at US consulates in other countries, but I don't have the education or experience to qualify. I also looked into possibly the airline industry, but I've read horror stories about low wages and crazy working hours. I would also consider an interesting nonprofit...like CASA (my best friend works for them). I could feasibly get a high paying job and try to pay off the loans in a few years, but the monthly payments would be over $1,000, so I would have to make a lot. And I have a highly specialized degree in education, so I don't have many options of making tons of money. I'm really relying on the public service forgiveness, because it means I only have 10 years of payments and then the balance is forgiven after that.

 

About our marriage: This could probably go on another thread, but my husband and I are stuck in an unhealthy routine. We both work long hours and commute (45-50 mins each way) we don't really have friends in the area to hang out with, so we spend most of our time together and suffocate each other... We tend to argue a lot, we don't have sex often, and I'm frustrated and bored a lot of the time. BUT, I will say that my overall unhappiness with my life is likely contributing to an unhappy marriage. That's why I'm here to try to find ways to make life more bearable as it is now.

Edited September 1, 2015 by Ashbash11

[Els]

Elswyth- Thank you for defending me! To answer your questions, I don't actually know what type of job I would do if I didn't have the loans and other bills.... Maybe I need to do some soul searching. haha. But, I can tell you that I would want to do something to help others, and that is challenging and involves travel or some aspect of a foreign country. I actually looked into jobs at US consulates in other countries, but I don't have the education or experience to qualify. I also looked into possibly the airline industry, but I've read horror stories about low wages and crazy working hours. I would also consider an interesting nonprofit...like CASA (my best friend works for them). I could feasibly get a high paying job and try to pay off the loans in a few years, but the monthly payments would be over $1,000, so I would have to make a lot. And I have a highly specialized degree in education, so I don't have many options of making tons of money. I'm really relying on the public service forgiveness, because it means I only have 10 years of payments and then the balance is forgiven after that.

 

Ouch. The loan sounds pretty huge - I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I have several suggestions on how you could travel while working - working holiday visas are great for that, you need much less to qualify than being an expat or applying directly for a work visa. So if you find that a certain country has a WHV agreement with the US, you could apply for it, go there and work and travel for a few months. The time away could help a lot with gaining some perspective and doing some soul searching.

 

But if that would disqualify you from your forgiveness scheme, then it probably isn't worth it, since you have to pay the loans back somehow. It's a tight spot, I empathize.

 

About our marriage: This could probably go on another thread, but my husband and I are stuck in an unhealthy routine. We both work long hours and commute (45-50 mins each way) we don't really have friends in the area to hang out with, so we spend most of our time together and suffocate each other... We tend to argue a lot, we don't have sex often, and I'm frustrated and bored a lot of the time. BUT, I will say that my overall unhappiness with my life is likely contributing to an unhappy marriage. That's why I'm here to try to find ways to make life more bearable as it is now.

It's quite common for couples to get stuck in a rut with all the stuff needed to keep a household going together. Especially if your job is making you unhappy, that would exacerbate it severely. So you're definitely right that you should try to fix your underlying unhappiness before making any decisions about your marriage.

 

Do you guys go out on date night on a reasonably regular basis, to try and reconnect? Or even do something fun together at home, instead of just hanging out? The 'fun' parts of a R are not everything, but they are really, really important IMO.

[Els]

I heard about something today that made me think about your thread. You know how I was talking about having GIGS myself, wondering if it was worth following my passion for the significantly less affluent lifestyle that I have compared to my peers? I read about one of my old friends from college today - we both graduated about 5 years ago, shortly after which our paths diverged. He's miserable and depressed, wants to quit but people are trying to talk him out of it, and some of his friends are worried about his mental health.

 

And I realized immediately - that would've been me if I'd carried on as I was. Without a doubt. In fact I wouldn't have lasted nearly as long as he did. The nice house, nice car, nice clothes, settled-down lifestyle with children etc - none of that matters more to me than being happy. For some people, those things DO make them happy even if they aren't in love with their job, but for those of us who derive happiness in other ways, it is more important to be true to ourselves.

 

I guess the tricky part is finding out where on that spectrum you fall. I really hope you manage to figure things out, Ash.

Edited September 4, 2015 by Elswyth

[Ashbash11]

Ouch. The loan sounds pretty huge - I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I have several suggestions on how you could travel while working - working holiday visas are great for that, you need much less to qualify than being an expat or applying directly for a work visa. So if you find that a certain country has a WHV agreement with the US, you could apply for it, go there and work and travel for a few months. The time away could help a lot with gaining some perspective and doing some soul searching.

 

But if that would disqualify you from your forgiveness scheme, then it probably isn't worth it, since you have to pay the loans back somehow. It's a tight spot, I empathize.

 

It's quite common for couples to get stuck in a rut with all the stuff needed to keep a household going together. Especially if your job is making you unhappy, that would exacerbate it severely. So you're definitely right that you should try to fix your underlying unhappiness before making any decisions about your marriage.

 

Do you guys go out on date night on a reasonably regular basis, to try and reconnect? Or even do something fun together at home, instead of just hanging out? The 'fun' parts of a R are not everything, but they are really, really important IMO.

 

Hi Elswyth,

I researched the Working Holiday Visa online.. the idea sounds wonderful! The only downside is that a job I took abroad (from the ones they offer) wouldn't qualify under my public service forgiveness program, so it would be like tacking on an additional year of loan payments, OR I would have to do a loan deferment, but the interest increases then. So, there's no good way around it. I'm also getting too old for the WHV. The cutoff is age 30, and I'm almost 31...Yes, the loan is pretty big (but not as big as some of my friends). I have about 80k in student loans. I appreciate your suggestion, though!!

 

In terms of my husband, I will admit: No, we don't go out on "date nights" or try to keep things fun. We both work such long hours and commute so far that we have no energy left for each other, or "fun" stuff... Nights consist of watching TV on the couch, eating dinner, and going to bed. Weekends, he usually watches marathons of TV on Netflix, and I try to drag him out for day activities.. It's become very stale and boring.

[Ashbash11]

Elswyth, can I ask, did you and your friend study the same subject in college? What job does he have compared to yours? Why are you happier than he is?

 

I do agree with you, 100%... all of those "things"-car, house, kids, etc. DO make some people happy, that's true. But for me (and us, it sounds like) there needs to be more to life. I guess I'm kind of lost, like I said in my original post. I don't know what will make me happy in the end. But, I definitely can say that living in Maryland and continuing down this path is NOT the way to happiness. I know that something needs to change, I just haven't figured out what that is yet. I wanted to add that our contract on the house expires Sept. 11 (next week), and if we just let it expire, we don't need to buy the house and it's without penalties. So.. it's tempting to NOT buy the house, because we can move more easily (we currently rent). I'm actually toying around with the idea of staying in my current job for 2-3 more years and then moving back to Boston (where I went to school/met my husband). I still have friends and extended family there, and I miss it dearly. Maybe a change of scenery would help. Who knows, though.

[Els]

In terms of my husband, I will admit: No, we don't go out on "date nights" or try to keep things fun. We both work such long hours and commute so far that we have no energy left for each other, or "fun" stuff... Nights consist of watching TV on the couch, eating dinner, and going to bed. Weekends, he usually watches marathons of TV on Netflix, and I try to drag him out for day activities.. It's become very stale and boring.

 

Oh, that's not good at all. Does he know how you are feeling about your marriage? I think you should have an honest talk with him, say that the routine is really weighing down on you and you would like to do fun things together sometimes, at least once a week. If he cares at all all about your marriage, he should try to join you and put in effort together to rekindle some of the romance.

 

My SO and I have been together for several years and he works very long hours, but we still try to do that at least once a week. It makes a huge difference.

 

Elswyth, can I ask, did you and your friend study the same subject in college? What job does he have compared to yours? Why are you happier than he is?

 

I do agree with you, 100%... all of those "things"-car, house, kids, etc. DO make some people happy, that's true. But for me (and us, it sounds like) there needs to be more to life. I guess I'm kind of lost, like I said in my original post. I don't know what will make me happy in the end. But, I definitely can say that living in Maryland and continuing down this path is NOT the way to happiness. I know that something needs to change, I just haven't figured out what that is yet. I wanted to add that our contract on the house expires Sept. 11 (next week), and if we just let it expire, we don't need to buy the house and it's without penalties. So.. it's tempting to NOT buy the house, because we can move more easily (we currently rent). I'm actually toying around with the idea of staying in my current job for 2-3 more years and then moving back to Boston (where I went to school/met my husband). I still have friends and extended family there, and I miss it dearly. Maybe a change of scenery would help. Who knows, though.

 

My friend and I studied roughly the same thing in college, yep. I'm sorry I can't provide details, but it's a fairly lucrative and stable career. However it's not something that people really get passionate about, it's pretty routine and meh work. A few people enjoy it but many don't and are just in it for the money. I'm happier because I made a drastic career switch 6 months after graduating, into an entirely different field that I actually am passionate about.

 

What happens if you don't let the contract on your house expire? Will you ever have the chance to let go of it again?

[Ashbash11]

Elswyth,

Thanks for your reply. I'm happy to hear that you're happy now..

 

We actually went through with the house.. I continue to feel very ambivalent about it.. I don't know what to do. But... maybe time will tell.