How do I move on

[JustProvitional]

First of all, I would like to apologize if anything doesn’t make sense. English is not my first language, so there might be some mistakes. Also sorry about the length, but I really need to get it out and talk about it with someone, even if it’s online.

 

I am a 24 years old man, and ever since I was a kid, I was always the gay fat nerd kid who people approached to for help on their classes or for bullying. When I look back right now at all of those school years, I can say that I didn’t make a single friend because people harassed me constantly about both my sexuality and my appearance. Thanks to this, I have never been outgoing, have extremely low self-esteem and never have had much social interaction. It got a little bit better in college, where I met the only person I have met in my life that I can truly say has been a friend to me, and that I can relate to, but now I’m out of college and not forced to interact with people, and it’s getting a lot worse.

 

I recently graduated and obtained a chemical engineering BA, which makes everyone in my family have incredibly high expectations. I have great parents, and I don’t want to disappoint them, but this feeling of just not wanting to interact with people and staying locked in my room playing video games is really consuming me. I’m scared to go out, and I’m scared to interact with people, because people are hurtful, and if I’m here, nobody can hurt me. I’m scared of rejection… especially in the love and working areas.

My profession is very competitive, and you have to be outgoing to get a good job. The big problem is that due to my fear for social interaction, I didn’t really get much in campus experience outside of the classes. I didn’t do an internship, or research or anything big extracurricular that I can put in my resume. My friend I was talking about earlier did way more things, and she has really tried and has yet to get a job, so what goes through my mind is what chance do I have, if she isn’t getting a job with far more experience than me? So therefore I have yet to send a resume to anywhere. Thankfully, I have my parents who still sustain me, but I want to move away, and change, and do something for myself. However I really don’t know what I can do to pick myself up and take the first step to do something for myself.

 

Around 10 years ago I started faking myself online. Faking to be a pretty and interesting boy quickly proved to be a great tactic to get people to like you, receive compliments, and get people wanting to be near you. Even if it's not real and just online. I have people I've known for around 8 years who still believe I'm that guy. It sucks to have lied to them, but at this point, I don't see what good it'd do to tell them the truth... so I just opted for disappearing from their lives. Which also sucks, because I feel lonely all the time, and I don't want to feel like that. However this is not something I am doing anymore.

 

Seeking approval and some confidence, I ended up hooking up with a guy I met on a site online. It wasn't even full sex [no penetration, didn't even touch his semen], and it was my first time willingly having sex. It was my first time, I was 23, and felt desperate thinking I just would never find something, so I just did it and I’m pretty sure I caught HPV and transmitted it to someone I actually did care about that had only been with a virgin girl before me. And it sucks to know that, because if it wasn’t either of them who transmitted it to me, the only other person who could’ve done it was my own brother.

 

Throughout my late elementary and early mid-school years, my parents worked, so I would stay alone with my big brother (3 years older) in my house in the afternoons after school. We were big fans of wrestling, so every day after school, we would just play wrestling, but one day he started introducing sexual acts into the wrestling, including penetration. I was confused, and really didn’t know what was happening, but in my ignorance about sex, I just let him do it, every day after school, daily, for years. In my ignorance, I even ended up wanting it as well, and it stopped happening eventually, but it wasn’t until I was more exposed to what sex really was that I realized how disgusting and wrong it had all been. And so I started hating my brother, and my fear/hate for people really exponentially grew up. And it sucks to have to see him every day and not being able to say or do anything because I don’t want to break my family. And it sucks, because his wedding is next month, and I have to act like I’m happy, because my parents really don’t deserve this.

 

I went out to look for psychological help years ago on the rape issue and it basically ended up in nothing. I confronted my brother and he denied everything in front of the psychologist, so I pretty much ended looking like I was crazy and it all only happened in my mind. However I do know it happened, as I have a scar from one of the times it happened. So I'm at the dilemma that I most likely have an std that could've been transmitted to me by my own brother or from a random hook up. It sucks because in all of my youth I was never one to be outgoing or confident and I had decided to do something for myself, try to get out there and stop being so shy, and the first thing I get is an std...

 

Right now, I am disgusted by myself. I don’t even care about my appearance, and just spend time doing nothing on my computer. I need help, but I am so reluctant to go to see another psychologist, because I just don’t want to go through the same thing again. I have considered suicide many many times, but like I said before, my parents really don’t deserve the suffering (they even know I’m gay, and aren’t bothered at all by it). I don’t even drive, because I feel like having a car would be like putting a weapon on my hands and that I will attempt suicide if I’m given such a tool as it could pass like an accident.

 

So yeah, I’m a 24 years old man, who has no job, transportation or goals, hates himself, and has had some pretty ****ty experiences. I really don’t know how to take my next step, to start caring about myself, how to open up to people…can I please have any advice?

[flordagirl]

First of all, I would like to apologize if anything doesn’t make sense. English is not my first language, so there might be some mistakes. Also sorry about the length, but I really need to get it out and talk about it with someone, even if it’s online.

 

I am a 24 years old man, and ever since I was a kid, I was always the gay fat nerd kid who people approached to for help on their classes or for bullying. When I look back right now at all of those school years, I can say that I didn’t make a single friend because people harassed me constantly about both my sexuality and my appearance. Thanks to this, I have never been outgoing, have extremely low self-esteem and never have had much social interaction. It got a little bit better in college, where I met the only person I have met in my life that I can truly say has been a friend to me, and that I can relate to, but now I’m out of college and not forced to interact with people, and it’s getting a lot worse.

 

I recently graduated and obtained a chemical engineering BA, which makes everyone in my family have incredibly high expectations. I have great parents, and I don’t want to disappoint them, but this feeling of just not wanting to interact with people and staying locked in my room playing video games is really consuming me. I’m scared to go out, and I’m scared to interact with people, because people are hurtful, and if I’m here, nobody can hurt me. I’m scared of rejection… especially in the love and working areas.

My profession is very competitive, and you have to be outgoing to get a good job. The big problem is that due to my fear for social interaction, I didn’t really get much in campus experience outside of the classes. I didn’t do an internship, or research or anything big extracurricular that I can put in my resume. My friend I was talking about earlier did way more things, and she has really tried and has yet to get a job, so what goes through my mind is what chance do I have, if she isn’t getting a job with far more experience than me? So therefore I have yet to send a resume to anywhere. Thankfully, I have my parents who still sustain me, but I want to move away, and change, and do something for myself. However I really don’t know what I can do to pick myself up and take the first step to do something for myself.

 

…can I please have any advice?

 

That is a long post, so what I will do is separate your thread into sections and post separate replies (hopefully that isn't considered a community violation ).

 

Out of curiousity, what is your first language? I wouldn't have guessed English isn't your first language from reading your thread!

 

Ok so my first suggestion is this: if you haven't already, go to meetup dot com and search for a gamer meetup. Where I live there are plenty of gamer guys in search of new people to game with.

 

Suggestion #2: contact your school and find out if they have a career counseling center. If they do, get in touch with them ASAP and they will get you moving in the right direction re: your resume'.

 

#3: Volunteer. Volunteering is a really good way to meet people with similar interests, and doing things to make others feel better is something that will help you feel better about yourself. What you could do is run a Google search to see what's out there. You might even find some groups that travel to different cities and other countries to volunteer.

Edited August 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Member request ~T

[flordagirl]

 

Around 10 years ago I started faking myself online. Faking to be a pretty and interesting boy quickly proved to be a great tactic to get people to like you, receive compliments, and get people wanting to be near you. Even if it's not real and just online. I have people I've known for around 8 years who still believe I'm that guy. It sucks to have lied to them, but at this point, I don't see what good it'd do to tell them the truth... so I just opted for disappearing from their lives. Which also sucks, because I feel lonely all the time, and I don't want to feel like that. However this is not something I am doing anymore.

 

 

 

 

In my first reply I forgot to ask if you like animals? If so, visit an animal shelter and find a dog to adopt. Owning a dog will pretty much force yourself to get outside.

 

Pretending to be someone you're not is a HUGE no-no. I actually came across a guy who did this and when I look back, he was probably going through a lot of what you have described. To make a long story short, I got him to send real pics of himself and chat via webcam and he wasn't bad looking at all. But eventually I got pissed off and hurt because he started to lead me on and I found out his profile pic was indeed a fake, and called him out on it (to others who are reading this, NO that is not being catfished). So moral of that story is be yourself no matter what, because it WILL eventually bite you in the ass once you hurt someone who starts to like the fake version of you.

[flordagirl]

Seeking approval and some confidence, I ended up hooking up with a guy I met on a site online. It wasn't even full sex [no penetration, didn't even touch his semen], and it was my first time willingly having sex. It was my first time, I was 23, and felt desperate thinking I just would never find something, so I just did it and I’m pretty sure I caught HPV and transmitted it to someone I actually did care about that had only been with a virgin girl before me. And it sucks to know that, because if it wasn’t either of them who transmitted it to me, the only other person who could’ve done it was my own brother.

 

Throughout my late elementary and early mid-school years, my parents worked, so I would stay alone with my big brother (3 years older) in my house in the afternoons after school. We were big fans of wrestling, so every day after school, we would just play wrestling, but one day he started introducing sexual acts into the wrestling, including penetration. I was confused, and really didn’t know what was happening, but in my ignorance about sex, I just let him do it, every day after school, daily, for years. In my ignorance, I even ended up wanting it as well, and it stopped happening eventually, but it wasn’t until I was more exposed to what sex really was that I realized how disgusting and wrong it had all been. And so I started hating my brother, and my fear/hate for people really exponentially grew up. And it sucks to have to see him every day and not being able to say or do anything because I don’t want to break my family. And it sucks, because his wedding is next month, and I have to act like I’m happy, because my parents really don’t deserve this.

 

I went out to look for psychological help years ago on the rape issue and it basically ended up in nothing. I confronted my brother and he denied everything in front of the psychologist, so I pretty much ended looking like I was crazy and it all only happened in my mind. However I do know it happened, as I have a scar from one of the times it happened. So I'm at the dilemma that I most likely have an std that could've been transmitted to me by my own brother or from a random hook up. It sucks because in all of my youth I was never one to be outgoing or confident and I had decided to do something for myself, try to get out there and stop being so shy, and the first thing I get is an std...

 

Right now, I am disgusted by myself. I don’t even care about my appearance, and just spend time doing nothing on my computer. I need help, but I am so reluctant to go to see another psychologist, because I just don’t want to go through the same thing again. I have considered suicide many many times, but like I said before, my parents really don’t deserve the suffering (they even know I’m gay, and aren’t bothered at all by it). I don’t even drive, because I feel like having a car would be like putting a weapon on my hands and that I will attempt suicide if I’m given such a tool as it could pass like an accident.

 

So yeah, I’m a 24 years old man, who has no job, transportation or goals, hates himself, and has had some pretty ****ty experiences. I really don’t know how to take my next step, to start caring about myself, how to open up to people…can I please have any advice?

 

omg...I have no words for this...

This is a very delicate issue. I will start off by saying words cannot describe how horrible and disgusting what your brother did to you. This type of thing usually occurs in a pattern, where the person committing the violent act had something equally horrific happen to them.

 

Please, please; go back to therapy, but this time go alone. And this is my own personal opinion, I don't know what a professional would say, but I think you should never speak to your brother again, or go anywhere near him. Do your parents have any idea what he did to you? They need to know.

 

What country/city do you live in? Let me know and I will find you some links where you can look into support groups for men going through the same ordeal. Talking it out with others who have gone through the same thing can also help.

Edited August 22, 2015 by flordagirl

[JustProvitional]

Hello! Thank you for replying, and sorry about the late reply. I am from Puerto Rico, and my first language is Spanish.

 

About suggestions, I had already checked out the site, but sadly it’s not very popular in Puerto Rico, and I haven’t been able to find an equivalent. I did go to a few meetings like that in my college years though, and it just ended up being a bit awkward for me. I will definitely look into volunteering opportunities and contact my college though. I do love animals, especially dogs, but living at my parents’ house, I cannot have a pet. Therefore, before I can get a pet, I need to move out, and that requires a job.

About the pretending to be someone else, I really have left it. I realized I learned nothing from lying to others about how perfect my life was, when my actual life is just ****. I did it for a long time, and it was hard to leave it, but I think I finally have done it.

I am looking to get back into therapy, got an appointment with another psychologist next week, but if I’m honest I’m kinda scared to go. Like I said, I cannot bring myself to tell my parents, because I really don’t want to break my family. My parents have worked their asses off to get us everything we could ever need and ask for, and they don’t really deserve knowing this.

Like I said, I live in Puerto Rico, and would really appreciate your help. Again, thank you for replying.

[dragonfire13]

I'm sorry to hear about your struggles, sounds like you've had a tough time for sure.

 

My first bit of advice would be to get some counselling...not psychiatric as they're a little too clinical, but someone you can talk to who will have a sympathetic ear and will give you good coping mechanisms.

 

Secondly, start looking after yourself. Try to eat healthily and get out and about to do some moderate exercise. Even just walking for half an hour a day can wonders, mentally and physically. Once you start to FEEL better, you'll be in a better place to start socialising again and you can look at ways to make some new friends.

 

I'm no psychiatrist, but the self-loathing/body dysmorphia you're experiencing, I would imagine is pretty standard when someone who has suffered abuse, so you have to remember that the abuse wasn't your fault. Even if you "liked" it, you were going through stages of adolescence at the time, when your sexual urges first start to manifest themselves. It's a confusing time for anyone, let alone someone who is being abused.

 

As others have suggested, for your own sanity it would be wise to cut your brother off. I know it's difficult as you don't want to breakup your family, but still having a relationship with your brother will just continue the cycle of dysfunction. If it helps, I have numerous of siblings I haven't seen or spoken to for years, and my life is better for it.

 

Good luck and I hope things improve for you. Remember, it's never too late to turn it all around.

Edited August 23, 2015 by dragonfire13

[flordagirl]

I am looking to get back into therapy, got an appointment with another psychologist next week, but if I’m honest I’m kinda scared to go. Like I said, I cannot bring myself to tell my parents, because I really don’t want to break my family. My parents have worked their asses off to get us everything we could ever need and ask for, and they don’t really deserve knowing this.

Like I said, I live in Puerto Rico, and would really appreciate your help. Again, thank you for replying.

 

Don't be afraid to go back to therapy. You're very brave to make that appointment, it's a big step to recovery.

I wish I could send you a pm with my email address so you can keep me updated or just whenever you feel like you need someone to talk to. But I will check back on this thread every once in a while to make sure you're okay

 

Big hugs, and I pray that you soon find the peace and happiness you deserve.

Edited August 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed comments about moderation

[flordagirl]

I went into Google and found a website I think might be very helpful for you; it's called Centro de Ayuda a Victimas de Violacion. Some other good ones are "A Men's Project", and "After Silence" (dot-org). I later realized I can't post the links, but if you google them it will show you the websites. Let me know if any of those help.