Met up with the ex, biggest mistake ever!

[Loveless86]

I havent posted on here for a while as i didnt need to i was coping and getting on with life.

 

In short my 18 month relationship ended with my ex gf quickly moving on to someone else, i was heartbroken.

 

3 months later her relationship ended a month after that she sends me a friend request on fb which i ignored for week before giving in thinking f**k it and accepting ( big mistake ).

 

So soon after we got chatting then i asked her out to lunch and she accepted, i think at this point i was getting my hopes up that we might rekindle something.

 

Anyway we went for lunch the conversation was light and friendly to start with then as the date was coming to an end we got on the subject of her ex, she told me how well they got on, how they clicked, how intense the relationship was and how bad our relationship was towards the end.

 

She also made it clear that there was no chance of us getting back together, she seemed like a different person with no feelings for me at all, she seemed cold and distant.

 

When i dropped her off at home we continued talking, i ended up getting upset in the car we hugged for a bit, she told me she didnt want me getting the wrong idea and she just wanted to be friends, then she left.

 

This has set me back massively!

 

Im guessing she wanted to see whether or not i was still bothered so she could get an ego boost

 

I just need to vent and get this off my chest im feeling low at the moment worthless and rejected, all my friends told me not to meet her, i wish id listened.

 

Ive posted before on this site when i was at my lowest and all your words were a big help, i know ill get through this ive just taken a big knock back.

Edited August 22, 2015 by Loveless86

[La.Primavera]

Im guessing she wanted to see whether or not i was still bothered so she could get an ego boost

 

It certainly appears that way. It might have even been to make her other ex jealous on Facebook, who knows? Whatever the reason, it was very selfish of her.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, it must have been a very hurtful experience. There is one positive thing to come out of it though. Now that you know what kind of person she really is and how little she cares you won't have to wonder "what if". She isn't worth it. It may not feel that way for a while but one day you will move on you never look back.

 

For your own sake block her and go no contact. You deserve so much better.

 

Take care.

[elaine567]

She merely wanted to add you to her good friends list.

"My ex and I, are all over that relationship nonsense when we split, and he is now my good friend, I can tell him anything..."

The implication being - I am a very well balanced person with adult relationships even with my exes.

 

Dumpers want to keep exes close by and sweet, it feeds their ego and who wouldn't want to be friends with someone they spent a long time with?

BUT dumpees are hurt and damaged, they want more, thus they cannot usually be JUST friends with the dumper very easily.

It is not impossible, but usually a lot of water needs to flow under the bridge before the dumpee can forgive and forget.

[CT98]

OK so you made a mistake, don't worry, it's a lesson learnt.

 

Yes it is a setback, but don't forget you had made 4 months' worth of progress before this happened, and that's not for nothing. You'll soon get over this little hurdle.

 

I've done the same before as have many others.

 

Onwards and upwards now!

[Loveless86]

Thanks everyone, I think the best course of action would be to tell her I can't be friends and remove her from fb

[casey.lives]

dating is not meant to last forever.. you either get committed or you break up. you don't necessarily become hurt or damaged because someone breaks up with you.. a person who is balanced will politely but firmly end things with no strings attached and with care and consideration, nonetheless. so.. Im okay with out sight - out of mind. Friends with an ex is tricky. I guess im not emotionally "advanced" when i love someone. it's forever.. Don't feel inferior. I couldn't do it .. :)

[mossycup]

I would never be friends with an ex until their "cold" period was over. I always felt like acting cold is what happens when a person is afraid the other person wants something from them that they can't give, ie, the dumper is afraid the dumpee still wants him/her. BUT the coldness has to happen, I think, because the dumper wants something too, ie, NOT TO BE GUILTED/WANTED, and then maybe something else too, like attention or too-soon/too-easy forgiveness or whatever. When a person is acting cold to me, I know that they are not INDIFFERENT TO ME, they are coping with their own emotions in a way that is manifesting in cold behaviour. I think a truly at peace person can be neutral and caring, but not cold. Cold indicates something is happening inside the person, and also that they do not wish to show it to you! Ironically they ARE showing you by being cold (or so it seems to me).

 

Here's where the beauty of NC comes in: for me, if you're going to act cold after dumping me, why even talk to me at all? And why would I talk to you? Obviously, cold dumper, you are not at peace with your decision. Make fun of Gwynneth Paltrow and that Coldplay guy all you want for "Conscious Uncoupling" but I believe a break up CAN be filled with compassion, respect and a deep sense of both people feeling seen. HOWEVER that requires the dumper to feel clear and it seems they often do not. At very least they are often fearful and distrusting of the dumpee (which effing hurts esp if the dumpee has felt trusted by the dumper and now suddenly isn't - WHY??? - in my situation).

 

So when I think of my ex who was like the KING OF COLD BREAKUPS (19 months of every day I love you, you are the woman for me I am sure for the rest of my life, deep intimacy and trust, many hours of comfortable and interesting enjoying times together, honesty about fears etc, then one day, as we are about to move in together, cold voice: I was never sure, i just wnated to rescue you, you could have been anyone, I am now going to be alone and just be friends with everyone and be spiritual all delivered like he was giving a business presentation to a tough crowd) then I think, here is a person who is really conflicted inside himself and has to manifest it as coldness and by doing that, he puts all that **** on ME!

 

See that's the thing - the cold person is essentially trying to be "in control" and look powerful, BUT, because they are not, they are drawing the dumpee in their web of emotion, but the dumpee doesn't see it that way, they just feel like THEY are the ones who are too emotional and out of control. And they feel like ****. Additionally, as in the poster above, the dumpee can be cold and then have even more conflicting emotions. Like why did she want to get toether? So selfish. Dumpees are often seflish because they have trouble feeling ok with what is happening for them. But they make it hard on themselves by not being deeply honest in a kind way so that the dumpee might actually be able to help them, either stay together, or break up compassionately.

 

Anyway, not to say the dumper is WRONG, just that they are confusing and hurting, and as the dumpee, it is

 

NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX THEM AND THAT INCLUDES TAKING ON THEIR EMOTIONS.

 

I am trying very hard to, when I think of my ex's dumping strategy, say, "He is troubled. He brought trouble to me. But it is not MY trouble. And it will wear off in time, esp if NC". I try to send him compassion, and move on. Which I don't move too much so far because I miss him so bad. But I don't interact with him at all.

 

No contact is many things, but one thing is it is a kindness to yourself not to have your life emotionally hijacked by a person who doesn't seem to want your help anymore anyways, but could end up sharing all the crap they are working through. Do you really want their crap if they can't give their support, and they aren't even able to indicate that they want your help? And if they do want it, and you want to give it, do you want to give it under consitions where a person is hurting you AND not providing any real honesty about moving through the process together for a positive future?

 

My Mantra in NC is: Come to me when you are ready to be honest, and kind, with youself and and with me, and want to build something real (romance or friendship or even a true break up where we never speak again, but it is a conscious and clear choice both agree on). Until that day, I need to heal my own devastated heart and look to our relationships where i AM building something honest, and loving for the future.

[Loveless86]

That was a good read mossy cup, thanks.

 

Ive taken her off fb now and deleted her messages, there was no love left for me in her, she was cold she even sat in my car whilst messaging someone with a smile on her face, and had no problem telling me how good her rebound was and how rubbish the end of our relationship got.

 

I cant be friends with someone like that, shes not the person i once knew, knowing this i can put it to bed and move on, i was a fool to think there was hope we might get back together and work things out.

 

She met up with me for selfish reasons, wanted to check how my love life was and if i had any love for her, well she found out. Wont be making that mistake again back to NC

[GreenWellington]

I was faced with a similar dilemma last week. The ex messaged me out of the blue to catch up. She wanted to go out for coffee ''as friends''. At first I reluctantly agreed, but sent her a message the next day saying it was a bad idea for both of us and that we should simply move on.

 

It's my personal opinion that dumpers always have a motive when they reach out like this. They're not simply wanting to ''catch up''. They might miss you, want comfort, want an ego boost, want to keep tabs on you, want to see if you're over them or not. Meeting up with them is giving them the ultimate power over you. It's them using you while you're still vulnerable for their own personal gain. And it's self-fish. Of course an ex might simply want to genuinely see how you're doing and want to catch up. But deep down there is always another motive at play.

 

You learned your lesson. Your posts and others like this helped me in making my decision not to meet up with my ex. It would have messed me up without a doubt. Just e-mailing each other for a few days had me on edge and my anxiety through the roof.

 

You made a mistake but time to move on. Four months of progress isnt nothing, and dont think that this will set you back to day one. Time to move forward stronger than ever, you now know the relationship is over and there's nothing you can do but better yourself and move on.

[Loveless86]

I was faced with a similar dilemma last week. The ex messaged me out of the blue to catch up. She wanted to go out for coffee ''as friends''. At first I reluctantly agreed, but sent her a message the next day saying it was a bad idea for both of us and that we should simply move on.

 

It's my personal opinion that dumpers always have a motive when they reach out like this. They're not simply wanting to ''catch up''. They might miss you, want comfort, want an ego boost, want to keep tabs on you, want to see if you're over them or not. Meeting up with them is giving them the ultimate power over you. It's them using you while you're still vulnerable for their own personal gain. And it's self-fish. Of course an ex might simply want to genuinely see how you're doing and want to catch up. But deep down there is always another motive at play.

 

You learned your lesson. Your posts and others like this helped me in making my decision not to meet up with my ex. It would have messed me up without a doubt. Just e-mailing each other for a few days had me on edge and my anxiety through the roof.

 

You made a mistake but time to move on. Four months of progress isnt nothing, and dont think that this will set you back to day one. Time to move forward stronger than ever, you now know the relationship is over and there's nothing you can do but better yourself and move on.

 

 

Thanks Green wellington, i enjoyed reading your post its nice to know im not alone in this situation, you made a wise choice in not meeting up with her.

 

It set me back a little but not all the way, there were a few tears but i can already feel myself getting over the hump 3 days later.

 

I deleted her off fb and also last night at 2am i got a message from her saying " Hey i saw you out at the shops today x"

 

I ignored it, this to me is her poking for a reaction, basically saying hey look im here, talk to me tell me how much i mean to you again so i can reject you and feel good about myself.

 

I gave away too much when we went to dinner i was weak, she pushed the right buttons and got the reaction she wanted, but she's getting nothing else.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Loveless86

[Loveless86]

I feel like messaging her back today, not sure what to do, I've waited 2 days so it says I'm not too bothered, I don't want to be ignorant. Don't know what to do, Help!

Edited August 25, 2015 by Loveless86

[Simon Phoenix]

I feel like messaging her back today, not sure what to do, I've waited 2 days so it says I'm not too bothered, I don't want to be ignorant. Don't know what to do, Help!

 

Why the hell would you text her? What's the purpose? You put your hand over the stove, burned the hell out of it, what could compel you to repeat that.

 

Just block her number, get your head back together, brush yourself off and move forward. Don't be that guy who gets stuck in the friendzone vortex because you don't have the self-control to leave well enough alone.

[GreenWellington]

There's absolutely no need to contact her at this point...just move on. The most you could do is to e-mail her asking you not to contact you again. Say it's best for the both of you and wish her well. It'll be mature and respectful. Plus, if you do go back and e-mail her you'll look bad. It'll help you resist actually following through with contacting her when you're feeling emotional/irrational.

[Loveless86]

There's absolutely no need to contact her at this point...just move on. The most you could do is to e-mail her asking you not to contact you again. Say it's best for the both of you and wish her well. It'll be mature and respectful. Plus, if you do go back and e-mail her you'll look bad. It'll help you resist actually following through with contacting her when you're feeling emotional/irrational.

 

I know what youre saying and ive fought the urge to contact her so far, i just get moments of weakness, like when i broke down in front of her .

 

ive clawed back a bit of dignity by deleting her off fb and not replying to her message, id like to hold on to that.

 

If i get another message i'll ask her not to contact me.

 

Thanks for your support

[Diezel]

She merely wanted to add you to her good friends list.

 

By "good friends", you mean "orbiter" right?

Because trust me, maybe YOU might think that but the majority of women in a scenario like the one OP described, are NOT looking for a "good friend". They're just in for Plan C or D, in case the next guy falls through.

 

OP just needs to block and delete.

 

She clearly is in it to use him for her own personal gain.

[Diezel]

If i get another message i'll ask her not to contact me.

 

You might think it's going to go down that way, but once you tell her that, she'll respond "WHY" and you'll keep talking to her.

 

You already broke down once, avoid it a second time. Just delete her.

[DatingDirection]

What a selfish inconsiderate, self-serving, bitch. Sorry, but they way you described it, sounds like she's a psychopath, all for herself, without any regard to your feelings. Not a good ex-girlfriend, not worth a friendship over either. Don't even bother responding to her message, unless you can tell her, if you think our relationship was so horrible towards the end, then it's not worth being friends after either, bye have a nice life. Or tell her flat out you did not enjoy her company, and did not enjoy how insensitive she was towards your feelings. Either way, she's just a bitch, you need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down, and show her that she is not all that, and not worth your time.

Edited August 25, 2015 by DatingDirection

[Simon Phoenix]

If i get another message i'll ask her not to contact me.

 

Why even let it get to that? Just do a proper block on your phone. This ain't rocket science. I agree with Diezel, if you send this response she'll just flip it back on you and goad you into talking to her more.

 

Stop playing games. Block and be done with it.

[15Love]

block her block her block her

[casey.lives]

i always thought that if someone likes you they would find a way.. but i've been wrong about this many times. even if they don't like you they might feel inclined to seek you out. only you can truly know.

[Loveless86]

What a selfish inconsiderate, self-serving, bitch. Sorry, but they way you described it, sounds like she's a psychopath, all for herself, without any regard to your feelings. Not a good ex-girlfriend, not worth a friendship over either. Don't even bother responding to her message, unless you can tell her, if you think our relationship was so horrible towards the end, then it's not worth being friends after either, bye have a nice life. Or tell her flat out you did not enjoy her company, and did not enjoy how insensitive she was towards your feelings. Either way, she's just a bitch, you need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down, and show her that she is not all that, and not worth your time.

 

This has to be my favourite response, its like you know her.

 

I wish i gave her some home truths about how flawed she is instead of pandering to her, i really want to let her know that shes not all that, but if i message now 3 days later its gonna seem contrived and like ive been thinking about it.

 

Like i said as it stands ive deleted her from fb and ignored her message, if she says " whats going on i thought we were friends" then i will give her

 

" if you think our relationship was so horrible towards the end, then it's not worth being friends after either, bye have a nice life."

 

Im kind of hoping she does make contact so i can then shut her down with this response, or perhaps like what phoenix, 15 love and diesel have said Block her and have done with it.

 

Whatever happens i thank you all for your support.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Loveless86

[elaine567]

She is not a bitch, she is acting like an adult and you do not like it as you thought that the lunch was the start of getting back with her, when it obviously wasn't. You are projecting your anger onto her.

 

She did nothing wrong here, she was in a relationship that wasn't working for her, she broke it up with you and then moved on to another man, that is what people do. That is what dating is all about.

 

She now tries to maintain a friendship with you, but that is NOT possible due to how YOU feel and that is OK, you are entitled to your feelings, but that is not really HER fault either.

[Loveless86]

She is not a bitch, she is acting like an adult and you do not like it as you thought that the lunch was the start of getting back with her, when it obviously wasn't. You are projecting your anger onto her.

 

She did nothing wrong here, she was in a relationship that wasn't working for her, she broke it up with you and then moved on to another man, that is what people do. That is what dating is all about.

 

She now tries to maintain a friendship with you, but that is NOT possible due to how YOU feel and that is OK, you are entitled to your feelings, but that is not really HER fault either.

 

Acting like an adult?

 

Did nothing wrong?

 

Things were going fine until she started a conversation about her ex, telling me how intense their relationship was, that he had a nice car and a business.

 

When i asked why she was telling me this she couldn't answer, she also decided to list my flaws and go on to say how horrible our relationship got.

 

So thats where she went wrong, an adult would have left the past alone but she felt inclined to drag it up to get a reaction and an ego boost.

 

Why was it OBVIOUS we weren't getting back together?

 

I'm entitled to my feelings am i?

 

Thanks for that.

[Diezel]

She did nothing wrong here, she was in a relationship that wasn't working for her, she broke it up with you and then moved on to another man, that is what people do. That is what dating is all about.

 

She now tries to maintain a friendship with you, but that is NOT possible due to how YOU feel and that is OK, you are entitled to your feelings, but that is not really HER fault either.

 

That's not a friendship that she is trying to maintain.

Let's be honest.

[Kehv]

She merely wanted to add you to her good friends list.

"My ex and I, are all over that relationship nonsense when we split, and he is now my good friend, I can tell him anything..."

The implication being - I am a very well balanced person with adult relationships even with my exes.

 

Dumpers want to keep exes close by and sweet, it feeds their ego and who wouldn't want to be friends with someone they spent a long time with?

BUT dumpees are hurt and damaged, they want more, thus they cannot usually be JUST friends with the dumper very easily.

It is not impossible, but usually a lot of water needs to flow under the bridge before the dumpee can forgive and forget.

 

Exactly what is happening in my situation. My ex-gf of 6 years dumped me and replaced me by a colleague. A few weeks after the breakup she wanted to hang out, at the time I thought maybe the relationship with the new guy did not go well but it appears she just wanted me for some ego boost and/or guilt.

 

Eventually I told her to stop contacting me and I told her I could not be her friend. She wanted a shoulder to cry on (I don't know why she was emotional) but I did not give her any. I told her she had a boyfriend for that stuff now. Instead of crying she started getting mad at me. The days after that she messaged me , called me, e-mailed me and even visited me (I was not home) so she desperately wanted to stay friends or something.

 

Even though she said we will never get back together it still gives the dumpee some kind of hope...