Losing the house and hope

[hromo]

I have wrote on here, refer to previous posts. So it appears that me and the ex are going to go through mediation in the next few weeks to see if we can resolve everything. If that doesn't work then a court date is already set if we cannot come up with a settlement agreement. I'm having a lot of anxiety about losing the house, l'm sure he is going to want to see cash in his hands. In order for me to keep the house, he would have to agree to a reduced spousal support amount payments. Im sure that just wants his share as he is looking at new cars to buy. I'm losing hope and saddened as once its sold, l will have to down size and l have grown so attached to this house. I always thought that he would have a heart and try to do right by me after everything he put me through with the OW and the infidelity. I understand that l will be fine but it hurts and l don't want to have to up root my life. He doesn't have to worry about finding a place because he moved in with the OW long ago. Ugh, any words of advice, any one else go through the same feelings as l am going through. I thought of looking at places to live, l just cannot bear it. Any words of advice would be so appreciated. As l'm struggling with this. It is so hard to come to terms with it.

Edited August 22, 2015 by hromo

[Mr. Lucky]

I always thought that he would have a heart and try to do right by me after everything he put me through with the OW and the infidelity.

 

After cheating on you and bailing on your marriage, you thought he'd suddenly start doing the right thing ???

 

I liked this so much, made it my sig:

 

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."-- J. Campbell

 

Never truer than for you right now...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DivorcedDad123]

First, in mediation, go in with what you want out of the marriage. Negotiate starting high and try to reach a middle ground.

Second, the mediator is NOT YOUR FRIEND. The mediator will try to convince you to take less than you feel is deserved. They'll lie and tell you "what the judge will do". It's NOT TRUE! Nobody and I mean NOBODY knows what the judge will do.

Your lawyer may try to get you to back down some. Don't fall for it. After 1 hour TOPS, if you don't have an agreement, you bail.Leave. Vamoos! Don't waste your money on paying your lawyer and the mediator to sit on their laurels and play back and forth. This is a huge waste of time and racket.

 

As for the house,is there any way you can refi and pay him his half of the EQUITY? Because equity is all you have to split. Also, don't be so sure you'll have to split any of the home. I was told by lawyers and mediators that I would,but the judge gave it to me free and clear. Home,equity,contents...

I would definately play up the fact that he's in another home,with another woman,and that you are in the MARITAL HOME. He made a big mistake there,and you get to capitalize on it.

[Tayla]

excellent advice divorceddad!

 

Seen the mediator shuffle and sooo true about the judge!

 

op, be attached to your sanity, the proceedings will take a toll.

 

Its a dissolution and will require that emotions be in check. This means putting aside his behavior and taking pen to paper. List out the negotiable vs non. If the house is non negotiable, maintain that stance. I found in my divorce that as much as I loved my family home... it was time to reinvest elsewhere. And it worked out.

[hromo]

Thank you everyone for the advice and support.

[RightThere]

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us."-- J. Campbell

 

Like to infinity.

[BlueIris]

First, in mediation, go in with what you want out of the marriage. Negotiate starting high and try to reach a middle ground.

Second, the mediator is NOT YOUR FRIEND. The mediator will try to convince you to take less than you feel is deserved. They'll lie and tell you "what the judge will do". It's NOT TRUE! Nobody and I mean NOBODY knows what the judge will do.

Your lawyer may try to get you to back down some. Don't fall for it. After 1 hour TOPS, if you don't have an agreement, you bail.Leave. Vamoos! Don't waste your money on paying your lawyer and the mediator to sit on their laurels and play back and forth. This is a huge waste of time and racket.

 

As for the house,is there any way you can refi and pay him his half of the EQUITY? Because equity is all you have to split. Also, don't be so sure you'll have to split any of the home. I was told by lawyers and mediators that I would,but the judge gave it to me free and clear. Home,equity,contents...

I would definately play up the fact that he's in another home,with another woman,and that you are in the MARITAL HOME. He made a big mistake there,and you get to capitalize on it.

 

Agreed.

But OP, also look to your own financial welfare for the long term. Lots of people hold onto a house (i.e. financial drain) for sentimental reasons and end up in trouble financially. Maybe consider talking to a certified divorce financial planner to do an analysis so you can see what will put you in the best position for your future.

[hromo]

Thank you. The divorce process is wiping out my savings. Will for sure speak to a financial planner and get some advice around this. Thank you all!!

[RightThere]

One thing that helped me along the way was writing down some of the quotes I found helpful and just reading them now and again.

 

I would start my list with Mr. Lucky's and build your list.

 

I still use mine on a regular basis and it's interesting to look back and re-read what was important to me at a different time in my life. Still truth in the quotes, but different perspective now.

[angelcake]

Would downsizing be such a bad thing? Maybe a new home without his footprints would better serve you in the long run?

 

I understand your dilemma. I hung on to my house, too. I do have 2 children and I didn't want to disrupt them anymore than they had been, so I fought tooth and nail for my home (which is my dream home that we built from scratch).

 

But, now that the dust has settled, I realize this house it too big for a single mom to take care of. The lawn needs cutting, landscaping constantly needs attention, a house always needs repairs to keep it in good shape, etc. I can't afford to have it all outsourced, so I do my best to keep up with the demands of it.

 

Now that my children are getting older, I find myself debating what to do next. I want to sell soon and downsize to something manageable. I realize I didn't think about what I was getting into when I fought so hard to get this huge home on a single parent income.

 

I say all of this to tell you, maybe it won't be such a bad thing if you have to sell and move. Maybe it will actually be a blessing in disguise. Think ahead to what keeping the house entails, and is it worth giving up spousal support for. Maybe it is, and maybe it's not. But, you know what is best for you. Make the decision to keep fighting for that house on the basis of what is going to work best for you in the long term.

 

Don't be intimidated going into mediation. They are all players in the game...the mediator, the attorneys, along with you and your ex. The attorneys forget that they actually WORK for you. Instead, they treat it as a game to see how long they can drag it out and make the most money.

 

If nothing is getting accomplished after a specified amount of time, just walk. Tell them, we have 15 mins to get this settled or I quit. If they bring an offer to the table that is ridiculous, tell them asap that you aren't complying with that and to make it happen or you are gone. BE THE BOSS. They are at your service, not the other way around. (Can you tell I got burned by my attorney, ha ha) If I only knew then what I know now. They can and do play on your emotions.

 

Hang in there, hon, I promise it gets better!!