I messed up

[joemax]

I'll try to make a long story short. Been with my girl 3 years. She's 23 I am 27. Had our ups and downs, she had been battling borderline personality disorder and went to therapy for it 2 years ago.

 

Lately things have been very rocky. During the summers I work 45 hours a week and I also take summer school. She has been complaining about how I don't make enough time for her and that is never my priority. Keep in mind I always see her at least 2-3 times a week. Just the other day she sent me a (VERY) long message by text saying how she's fed up and that it's not acceptable for a bf not to see his gf all weekend and yada yada yada.

 

Last night, I had my staff dinner and I drove a coworker (that also has a bf) home. We were parked in front of her place for 45mins+ just talking and she started opening up about how rocky her relationship has been as well. I felt something was going to happen between us so I kept asking her to get out of the car (politely obviously). She kept saying things like she didn't want to, and nothing happened between us, all that jazz. At least 5 times I told her that she should go home before something happens. Next thing I know, she is kissing me. Made out for a couple of seconds before I told her to get off and that we shouldn't do this.

 

Feel like $hit now. Don't know what to do. Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden2]

So, you have 2 issues you're writing about here, yes?

 

One is that your GF feels neglected, ignored taken for granted, dissatisfied...

 

The other is that you made out with another girl, albeit briefly and unwillingly, but you felt guilty....

 

Issue one will be resolved soon, because your GF will end your relationship.

 

Whatever you do now, will have no effect, there is no remedy.

She sees your relationship as stale, past its best and she actually wants out, to spread her wings a little and venture out, exploring new horizons.

 

Those aren't euphemisms, however much they may sound like it.

She was quite young when you began dating her, and she's matured to the point of outgrowing this relationship and moving on.

 

In view of this, I really wouldn't worry about your second issue too much, in your shoes.

[Space Ritual]

I'll try to make a long story short. Been with my girl 3 years. She's 23 I am 27. Had our ups and downs, she had been battling borderline personality disorder and went to therapy for it 2 years ago.

 

Lately things have been very rocky. During the summers I work 45 hours a week and I also take summer school. She has been complaining about how I don't make enough time for her and that is never my priority. Keep in mind I always see her at least 2-3 times a week. Just the other day she sent me a (VERY) long message by text saying how she's fed up and that it's not acceptable for a bf not to see his gf all weekend and yada yada yada.

 

Last night, I had my staff dinner and I drove a coworker (that also has a bf) home. We were parked in front of her place for 45mins+ just talking and she started opening up about how rocky her relationship has been as well. I felt something was going to happen between us so I kept asking her to get out of the car (politely obviously). She kept saying things like she didn't want to, and nothing happened between us, all that jazz. At least 5 times I told her that she should go home before something happens. Next thing I know, she is kissing me. Made out for a couple of seconds before I told her to get off and that we shouldn't do this.

 

Feel like $hit now. Don't know what to do. Thoughts?

 

At least you stopped. as I was reading your post when I came to the end I was expecting to read you banged this gal in your car. The problem of course now is that when you start talking out of school with other females about your relationship you are sharing info with persons that not only is it none of their business, you expose yourself to all sorts of skullduggery.

 

If I were you I would let your GF know right away what happened. Your relationship may not survive, but she will be thankful hearing it from you, as opposed to someone else. For all you know your Coworker has told at least one other person, probably her BFF. stuff like this has a nasty habit of coming to light when you least expect it so just own up to what happened and let go of the outcome.

[Lois_Griffin]

The other is that you made out with another girl, albeit briefly and unwillingly, but you felt guilty.....

I'm going to totally disagree with the 'unwillingly' part.

 

The OP wanted something to happen or he wouldn't have kept telling this woman to get out of the car 'before something happens.' He would have told her to get out of the car and that he had to be somewhere in 15 minutes.

 

But he didn't. Instead he kept playing the game and throwing hints out about the possibility of something happening - like he had no control over himself.

 

You're transparent as glass, OP.

[Chi townD]

But, he told her at least 5 times to get out because she was making it obvious that she wanted something to happen and he didn't. And then she started to kiss him and he stopped it.

 

 

I thought that no means no. Or does that apply to women only? Because if the genders were reverse, people would be saying that what she did was sexual assault.

[autumnnight]

Surely men are not that obtuse...

 

When you say "you need to get out before something happens...." Everyone on earth knows that means, "I am tempted, what are you going to do about it."

 

Now, I applaud him for asking her to get out.

 

However...it is his car. If he had said "Get out now!" in the a firm and angry way, no way would she have stayed in that car.

 

I get that men like to stick together, but honestly, to say someone who TOLD the girl he was tempted, who DID kiss her for a bit before stopping it, was assaulted? To say that is a stretch is an understatement.

 

When you know you are tempted, you don't ask 5 times politely. You get out of the driver's side, open her door, and say "Get Out" WITHOUT tossing in the bit about "something happening."

 

I don't think this is unsalvageable. But let's get real. If a woman came here with this story, she'd have been told she must have wanted it if she stayed in the car, etc.

 

OP, you cheated. Own it 100%. Don't gop blaming the other woman. Be honest.

[Chi townD]

I don't agree at all. Let me hit the you with this story if the genders were reversed.

 

 

Last night, I had my staff dinner and I drove a coworker (that also has a gf) home. We were parked in front of his place for 45mins+ just talking and he started opening up about how rocky his relationship has been as well. I felt something was going to happen between us so I kept asking him to get out of the car (politely obviously). He kept saying things like he didn't want to, and nothing happened between us, all that jazz. At least 5 times I told him that he should go home before something happens. Next thing I know, he is kissing me. Made out for a couple of seconds before I told him to get off and that we shouldn't do this.

 

 

Now, with this role reversal, would YOU be telling HER that she wanted it and she was asking for it?

 

 

Or, would you be focusing on the fact that she told him to get out of the car 5 times? Would you be focusing on the fact that he refused to get out of the car (which would be a scary situation for any woman) and would you be focusing on the fact that he started to force himself on her. You would probably tell her that she was sexually assaulted and she should be thankful she wasn't raped and that she needs to go to the police and report him.

 

 

See, it doesn't matter if you THINK that he wanted something to happen, hell maybe HE thought about something happening. But he made the decision in the end and he said NO! In the end, he did NOT consent. That is not something that he wants happening. He said NO five times.

[Spectre]

For me the problem is if you are in a car and asking her to get out..if you are in the drivers seat and she is in the passenger seat there is always a thing in the middle separating the seats. Usually with a cup holder, etc. She would have to lean over this to make out with you. Meaning any person would of had plenty of time to try to physically stop this person from kissing them before they actually made physical contact.

 

So whether it was a male or female I'd say it was cheating. If it was a female and she physically struggled with the guy before the kiss it would be one thing, but if she let it happen and then stopped it that is 100% cheating. So no matter the gender I think you need to fess up. Especially since you are a man so I doubt this woman could of physically overpowered you.

 

Yes, you told her to get out of the car. Thing is, you could of stepped out too. Stepped out until she got out. Actions speak louder then words, you said get out but did nothing and let her lean over and make out with you.

 

You also frankly crossed a huge line for sitting in a friggin car with another woman for 45 minutes talking about her relationship problems, you realize that..right? I'm sorry bud, you need to quit your job if you want this to work. Or transfer somewhere. You can't be around this co worker anymore.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[Chi townD]

Then again, if he has to tell her no 5 TIMES! That kind of tells me that she was rather aggressive.

[Spectre]

Then again, if he has to tell her no 5 TIMES! That kind of tells me that she was rather aggressive.

 

Unless he was dealing with She-Hulk or something it shouldn't of mattered. It wouldn't of prevented him from exiting the car or preventing her from leaning over and kissing him. It'd be different if they were sitting in the back seat of a car where they are right next to each other..then yeah she could potentially spring a kiss on him before he could react, but in the drivers seat? No, not really.

 

He told her 5 times, after the 2nd or 3rd time he should of just got out of the car and told her to do the same. Could of just said "this is not going to happen and if you persist I will just go have a chat with your boyfriend". His mind said no, his body said yes. It's that simple really.

[OMC]

Hyprocrisy is alive and well.

[Chi townD]

Unless he was dealing with She-Hulk or something it shouldn't of mattered. It wouldn't of prevented him from exiting the car or preventing her from leaning over and kissing him. It'd be different if they were sitting in the back seat of a car where they are right next to each other..then yeah she could potentially spring a kiss on him before he could react, but in the drivers seat? No, not really.

 

He told her 5 times, after the 2nd or 3rd time he should of just got out of the car and told her to do the same. Could of just said "this is not going to happen and if you persist I will just go have a chat with your boyfriend". His mind said no, his body said yes. It's that simple really.

 

 

What is even as simple is he verbally said to her no 5 times. He did not to consent to her advances 5 times. Should she have stopped after the 1st or 2nd time being told no? Absolutely! That's what women expect from men. So, why is her making sexual advances at him 5 times justifiable?

 

 

But, I will agree, what is even more simple is he shouldn't have put himself in that situation in the first place.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Chi townD

[hakim]

Lmao at how this is turning into a gender debate.

 

OP there are 2 things you can do here:

 

Either

 

1) You leave the relationship.

 

OR

 

2) You start to make a little more time for her. Maybe surprise her with something, that'll tell her that you care.

 

However if she continues to press, dump ASAP.

 

 

 

In regards to the 2nd issue:

 

Depending on whether you choose option 1) or 2), you'll have to explain to your GF what happened in the car. Be incredibly honest about it.

 

It sounds like a very sticky situation to me.

[autumnnight]

I don't agree at all. Let me hit the you with this story if the genders were reversed.

 

 

Last night, I had my staff dinner and I drove a coworker (that also has a gf) home. We were parked in front of his place for 45mins+ just talking and he started opening up about how rocky his relationship has been as well. I felt something was going to happen between us so I kept asking him to get out of the car (politely obviously). He kept saying things like he didn't want to, and nothing happened between us, all that jazz. At least 5 times I told him that he should go home before something happens. Next thing I know, he is kissing me. Made out for a couple of seconds before I told him to get off and that we shouldn't do this.

 

 

Now, with this role reversal, would YOU be telling HER that she wanted it and she was asking for it?

 

 

Or, would you be focusing on the fact that she told him to get out of the car 5 times? Would you be focusing on the fact that he refused to get out of the car (which would be a scary situation for any woman) and would you be focusing on the fact that he started to force himself on her. You would probably tell her that she was sexually assaulted and she should be thankful she wasn't raped and that she needs to go to the police and report him.

 

 

See, it doesn't matter if you THINK that he wanted something to happen, hell maybe HE thought about something happening. But he made the decision in the end and he said NO! In the end, he did NOT consent. That is not something that he wants happening. He said NO five times.

 

No means no.

 

Before the no's, he took her home alone and had intimate conversation with her. He also basically made it clear HE was tempted by adding that "before something happens" in there.

 

I am glad he stopped the kissing.

 

Bottom line? Yeah, what he did was inappropriate.

[autumnnight]

Then again, if he has to tell her no 5 TIMES! That kind of tells me that she was rather aggressive.

 

It was his car. You telling me that if he said "GET OUT" or go around and open her door, she would have kept sitting there?

 

Look, I get it.

 

But he WAS in the wrong.

[Chi townD]

It was his car. You telling me that if he said "GET OUT" or go around and open her door, she would have kept sitting there?

 

Look, I get it.

 

But he WAS in the wrong.

 

 

Wrong for putting himself in that situation, I'll agree to that. But, he was not at fault for the unwanted sexual advances.

 

 

Unless the OP comes back and clarifies his intentions at the time as being nefarious, then I'll come back an apologize. But, I think that he was thrown into a situation he didn't know how to handle.

[Learningtowalkagain]

The kissing parts been covered well here

 

The BPD part I can speak on. Your g/f sounds like my ex. What an exhausting nightmare she was to date. I honestly loved this girl but she was a second job. No matter how patient/nice/tentative I was she just needed more. She'd start fight over the dumbest things for no reason. She has abandonment issues that stem from childhood. It was insane. You have an uphill battle on your hands. My ex was one of the most beautiful women I have ever laid eyes on. I still wouldn't go back to her.

 

Downtown made an awesome BPD list. Research some of his posts. He was married to a girl with BPD for years.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/419416-ran-into-my-ex-bar-8-months-later-interesting-story#post5164075

[Spectre]

What is even as simple is he verbally said to her no 5 times. He did not to consent to her advances 5 times. Should she have stopped after the 1st or 2nd time being told no? Absolutely! That's what women expect from men. So, why is her making sexual advances at him 5 times justifiable?

 

 

But, I will agree, what is even more simple is he shouldn't have put himself in that situation in the first place.

 

He verbally told her no, but actions speak louder then words here man. He also said he suspected something would happen, so he could of gotten out of the car. Or just physically prevented her from kissing him. He also shouldn't of been chatting for 45 minutes alone in a car with a woman about her friggin boyfriend. So even if this kiss never happened, he still crossed a big line.

 

The woman doing what she did wasn't justifiable, they were *both* wrong here. They both cheated. The solution is to confess and hope his girl doesn't break up with him. The other problem though is this is a co worker which means he needs to transfer or quit for this to work. Especially taking into account the little 45 minute chat that lead up to the kiss.

[Chi townD]

He verbally told her no, but actions speak louder then words here man. He also said he suspected something would happen, so he could of gotten out of the car. Or just physically prevented her from kissing him. He also shouldn't of been chatting for 45 minutes alone in a car with a woman about her friggin boyfriend. So even if this kiss never happened, he still crossed a big line.

 

The woman doing what she did wasn't justifiable, they were *both* wrong here. They both cheated. The solution is to confess and hope his girl doesn't break up with him. The other problem though is this is a co worker which means he needs to transfer or quit for this to work. Especially taking into account the little 45 minute chat that lead up to the kiss.

 

 

 

Again, if the OP comes back and says that his actions were nefarious, I will apologize. But, I'm still going with the concept that has been beaten into our brains that no means no. Doesn't matter what his actions says, he never stated that he was pawing all over her. It was the other way around. And if the genders were reversed you would probably be singing a different tune.

 

 

Because if he was a girl you would be basically telling her, "Well, your mouth said no, but your body said yes. Therefore, you wanted it regardless if you told him no 5 times. It's your fault you didn't get out of the car. Therefore, you wanted it from him." I seriously doubt you would say that to a girl, but it's okay if it's a guy.

 

 

But, I wait till the OP comes back. But, I doubt he will, so we're beating a dead horse here.

[autumnnight]

Again, if the OP comes back and says that his actions were nefarious, I will apologize. But, I'm still going with the concept that has been beaten into our brains that no means no. Doesn't matter what his actions says, he never stated that he was pawing all over her. It was the other way around. And if the genders were reversed you would probably be singing a different tune.

 

 

Because if he was a girl you would be basically telling her, "Well, your mouth said no, but your body said yes. Therefore, you wanted it regardless if you told him no 5 times. It's your fault you didn't get out of the car. Therefore, you wanted it from him." I seriously doubt you would say that to a girl, but it's okay if it's a guy.

 

 

But, I wait till the OP comes back. But, I doubt he will, so we're beating a dead horse here.

 

So what you are saying is that he actually didn't mess up. Everything he did was fine, and it is his GF who has the problem.

[Chi townD]

So what you are saying is that he actually didn't mess up. Everything he did was fine, and it is his GF who has the problem.

 

I even told YOU that he was wrong for putting himself in that situation in the first place, didn't I?

[joemax]

Thank you for all the responses, I didn't think this many people would reply.

 

First things first, I know I messed up. Heck, you can see it in the title of the thread. I am not trying to blame anyone but myself here.

 

Long story short, we are currently on a break. We saw each other yesterday and we spoke. I told her that I haven't been happy in a while and I don't know if I can make her happy. She basically said that I was supposed to be different, that I was supposed to be a good guy, etc.

 

I am supposed to see her on Friday so we can speak. I just really don't know where to start or what to think. I do care deeply for this girl, but I don't know if we should be together. She's not sure she wants children, I absolutely want to have them. She has gotten physical with me before multiple times (not in the past year granted). Our sex life has also seriously taken a hit this past year. But are those all reasons for breaking up?

 

If you have nothing to do and would like some more background, read my other threads. This isn't the first time I made a thread about her.

[TaraMaiden2]

...But it should be the last one you make about her, as your GF.

 

'On a break' is not possible.

There's no such thing.

Unless, of course, you have given each other a set of rules, because if this were a break, these are the rules you would be adhering to:

 

A definite date, time and place for you to meet up and discuss where both of you are, with regards to your individual inputs and expectations, in this relationship. This is usually in about a fortnight, to 3 weeks' time. So you both need to agree an appointment for this specific date, time and place.

 

Absolutely NO CONTACT in the interim period. None whatsoever. You both go completely silent on one another, in every way.

 

Absolutely no dating others, seeing others or even agreeing to meet anyone else, during this 'break' period.

 

Unless you have actually fulfilled the above 3 criteria - you guys aren't 'on a break'.

 

You're on the preliminary step to break UP.

 

And her accusations of WHO you are supposed to be are both unreasonable and unfair.

You are who you are.

You're not here to fulfil her ideal. You should already BE her ideal, "warts and all". She should be with you for whom you are, not for whom she expects you to be.

 

And your history?

 

For goodness' sake, just stop, end it and move on.

She is not good for you, and never will be!

 

If the shoes were uncomfortable, pinched and rubbed, throwing them into the back of the cupboard for 2 weeks, then bringing them out again and wearing them - isn't going to change the fact that they are uncomfortable, pinch, and rub.

 

Surgeons move as quickly as is humanly possible to remove a cancerous lump, or gangrenous limb. They don't hang about, loiter, linger, and do it little by little, bit by bit....

 

You should do the same with this toxic appendage....

[Spectre]

Again, if the OP comes back and says that his actions were nefarious, I will apologize.

 

You realize that very often people who are nefarious tend to not always think the things they do are nefarious?

 

But, I'm still going with the concept that has been beaten into our brains that no means no. Doesn't matter what his actions says, he never stated that he was pawing all over her. It was the other way around. And if the genders were reversed you would probably be singing a different tune.

 

But if "no means no" then physically preventing her from leaning over and kissing him would especially mean no, right? Or exiting out of the car?

 

Also this guy sat in a car and listened to her blab on about her relationship woes for 45 friggin minutes. She probably thought "no" in this case really didn't mean no, and she seemed to be correct. No guy wants to sit in a car with a woman for 45 minutes listening to her whine about her boyfriend unless he wants to get something from her.

 

Because if he was a girl you would be basically telling her, "Well, your mouth said no, but your body said yes. Therefore, you wanted it regardless if you told him no 5 times. It's your fault you didn't get out of the car. Therefore, you wanted it from him." I seriously doubt you would say that to a girl, but it's okay if it's a guy.

 

I would ask a girl who did this why she didn't just exit the car. But since I recognize the physical differences between most men and women I wouldn't assume she could physically prevent the guy from kissing her..which is why I'd go back to "why didn't you get out of the car?" thing. I'd also be asking "why'd you sit with some dude for 45 minutes in his car?"

[joemax]

 

And your history?

 

For goodness' sake, just stop, end it and move on.

She is not good for you, and never will be!

 

 

Out of curiosity, did you read some of the other threads about her?

 

When I told her that we're both good people and that we both deserve to be happy, and that maybe, just maybe, we won't/can't be happy together because we can't meet each other's needs, she went on a long rant about how breaking up isn't really an option and that we have to work it out.

 

We also just adopted a dog together, so she talked about that.