Partner has told me that he doesn't want me to talk about certain things

[Aprilmae]

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year. In 6 months I will be moving to live with him in his home country.

To cut a long story short he is a separated man yet legally cannot get a divorce for one more year. He has two beautiful children from this separated relationship. His ex is lovely towards me yet she is constantly messaging him with abusive content. While I'm with him it has got to the point where when his phone beeps I am worried that it is her. Now that I'm back in my country from time to time I ask him how things are with her and if they have or have not calmed down. He has told me that he does not want me to ask about her anymore. That I can only talk about her if he brings it up. Today he told me that his separation is none of my business and that what occurs between the two of them has nothing to do with me.

 

I understand that there conversations are not mine but as a partner I don't understand why I can't ask if everything is ok. Also is he right in saying that it's got nothing to do with me? Because from the times I have been there personally I think it does effect me when he is having back and forth text conversations with her or yelling at her on the phone. It does and will effect me when she comes to the house I share with him and they have arguments or disagreements on the front lawn. Their relationship is not mine yet if him and I are to start a life together in his country I will have her in my life forever also due to them having children together. I feel upset and confused about being told I can't mention her and that it's nothing to do with me ( I understand that I chose to be with a separated man, I understand there are issues) if I can't talk to my partner about something that is upsetting me I fear I can't move to be with him and that feeling is breaking my heart. It's not just the situation with his ex, it is anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. I feel like a list is starting to be composed about what I can and cannot to about. Not being able to talk to him about this face to face is making this incredibly difficult. I also fear that I will move over there and I will not be able to express myself and I wonder if moving there is going to be a massive mistake.

Edited August 23, 2015 by Aprilmae
I want to add more content

[mrldii]

No, he is NOT right to assert that it doesn't concern you; no, he is NOT right that it is none of your business.

 

No, you are NOT right to move to a new country under these conditions. Especially under these conditions, you are NOT right to moving to a new country in 6 months when he is simply 'separated' from a woman from whom he can not get an official divorce for 12 months and who tells you have no right to/no business in knowing WTF is going on in the meantime.

 

 

Best of luck to you in your decision(s), OP...

[Aprilmae]

Thank you for replying to my post. I appreciate it

[madjac74]

and I wonder if moving there is going to be a massive mistake.

 

^^^ This is what I was thinking. At least give it some more time. Why can't he get a divorce for another year? But regardless he still has a lot of issues to work out with his ex. He isn't inclined to discuss any of it but fully expects you to move to an entirely different country for him.

[Aprilmae]

It's a horrible feeling but I agree with you. Sadly the law in his country will not allow divorce for one more year. (Which I've looked into so know it's true)

im going to sacrifice my life in my home country and I won't be able to sit comfortably with that if I am unable to communicate with him about certain things. I have tried to explain to him (what feels like several hundred times) about my feelings in regards to his separation and he has admitted that he simply does not understand why I think it should be any of my business or why I believe that it effects me

[madjac74]

Unfortunately if there are kids involved, his ex will be a part of the rest of your lives. Trust me I know this situation. Does he fully expect to keep everything that is going on from you? I would seriously consider telling him you want to at least wait until the divorce is final and see how things play out.

 

Heck he could be hiding it because he is trying to reconcile to avoid alimony or child support. Sorry I don't know the entire situation but things you need to consider.

[CarrieT]

Don't move until he is 100% single.

 

This is not a good situation.

[Aprilmae]

He is refusing to talk to me at the moment. I am currently trying to think about what to say to him I regards to everything. I have a gut feeling that when I tell him how I feel about his unwillingness to share with me things about his separation and my doubts about moving that he will end things. But I know I have to do what is best for the long term and if I keep going like this I will be denying my true self

[madjac74]

He is refusing to talk to me at the moment.

 

Respect his wishes and go no contact! Aren't you glad you didn't move to an entirely different country for this kind of attitude?

[Aprilmae]

It's much better this way than it would have been if I moved over there

[CarrieT]

You may have dodged one big, giant bullet on this accord!

[TaraMaiden2]

If I were you, I would consider this over.

 

His head is still screwed up and trust me, will be for some time, if his relationship with his ex is hostile and inflexible.

 

You know, a friend of mine said something very wise... new GFs should talk to exes to at least get two sides of the story....

 

Her own ex-H laid so many lies and tales about her, to his new wife, (this was a few years back) but his new wife now accepts that my friend had good reason to file for divorce. It most certainly was not as he had recounted.

 

You already 'get on well' with his ex... Hmmm... How does that work then?

He obviously deeply resents this, which may be a reason he is trying to cut you off and keep you silent....

 

HE is the fly in the ointment.

Consider that HE is the one creating the resentment, hostility and arguments.

 

He is absolutely, in no way whatsoever, a good, safe bet or investment for a future happy relationship.

He seems controlling, uncaring and self-absorbed.

 

You really want to leave your country for THAT - !?

[Aprilmae]

Thank you for your responses. Even though it feels awful it also feels good to be validated

[GemmaUK]

You know, a friend of mine said something very wise... new GFs should talk to exes to at least get two sides of the story....

You already 'get on well' with his ex... Hmmm... How does that work then?

He obviously deeply resents this, which may be a reason he is trying to cut you off and keep you silent....

 

HE is the fly in the ointment.

Consider that HE is the one creating the resentment, hostility and arguments.

 

He is absolutely, in no way whatsoever, a good, safe bet or investment for a future happy relationship.

He seems controlling, uncaring and self-absorbed.

 

You really want to leave your country for THAT - !?

 

Absolutely what I was thinking.

 

I dated a guy very briefly who, well, his ex wife and also his ex gf were always in some text argument with him over something.

I remember that he showed me a text dialogue once, he had been drinking so clearly wasn't thinking straight, the history clearly showed from the dates and times that he had been the one to start the argument that had been going on that day and it he had started it an hour before we met up that day so it was actually he who was starting these arguments right before I met up with him and so that they could be full blown by the time we were out on a date.

Funny thing was that he texted me for four whole years after I ended it after just five dates. His texts in all that time would be insulting/argumentative and I soon figured that he wanted me to be behaving like an angry ex so that he could show whoever he was dating that he had some angry psycho ex still contacting him.

It didn't work with me as I never replied.

 

This guy's ex is and will be a part of your life if you decide to move to be with him.

I am getting a feeling he doesn't want you to ask nor talk about it because he might just be the same as the guy I dated and he would have to make up so many stories as to why she was freaking out. She might just be getting angry because he has begun an argument.

 

I would re-think the move.

Plus if you and she get on fine then there is something seriously off here. It doesn't make any sense at all.

 

Is he strange with you in any other ways?

Overly possessive or jealous?

Does he take responsibility for bad things that happen or are they always someone else's fault?

[Aprilmae]

He is fundentally a lovely person until I mention something that he doesn't like. He doesn't seem to understand that relationships will have conversations from time to time that aren't enjoyable. The fact that I have been told not to talk about his ex (in the sense of me asking how are things going between the two of you) is the final straw for me. He has shown me the messages between the two of them and in all honesty is it her that starts the arguments- although he is the one that keeps them going which I think is wrong. Then when I tell him to stop he won't. Which hurts. He knows that she won't stop so I don't understand why he keeps going. She is lovely towards but I have been told others that she talks badly about me behind closed doors- these is nothing I can do about that.

I do think that my partner is controlling in regards to what he believes we can and cannot talk about. I want to get through to him that's it not okay or healthy yet I don't know how to. Everything I say is wrong. It all turns into an issue that is in his mind all my own doing and he is left basically acting like I have wronged him- most of the time in regards to our relationship it is never his fault and it is always mine

[madjac74]

The only thing I can see from my experience with baby mama drama is that it frustrates him that he has to deal with her and hates to bring you into it.

 

There are times I dont want to tell my gf because she gets so pissed off about it. It is warranted because my ex is a spoiled B but I hate that me and my GF still have to deal with her and it affects our relationship at times.

[Aprilmae]

That is a really good point- thank you. I suspect that he feels the same way as you do. Communication about it all is a major point of contention. Communication in general is a major point of contention... Also the long distance definately does not help in any way shape or form. At this point in time there is nothing that I can do about it as he will not contact me.

Even if he would talk to me right now I'm lost for words as he will take everything I say an an attack.

[madjac74]

Not to be corny but you know when a dog that is attacked will sometimes bite their owner who is trying to protect them? Guys can be like that.

 

I still think you need to distance yourself for now until you understand things better. My GF has the luxury of experiencing my moods when I deal with the ex . It must be almost impossible being shutout from a distance.

[GemmaUK]

Then I would get the hell out of this relationship asap if I were you.

 

It will only get worse.

[Aprilmae]

It's corny but it makes sense. I appreciate a mans insight. Long distance is awful. We have been lucky enough to be spending time together in the same country for the majority of our relationship, although I returned to my home country a month ago after being in his for two months.At this stage if we were to work things out it looks like we will be apart until I can return in half a years time.

[ExpatInItaly]

He is fundentally a lovely person until I mention something that he doesn't like. He doesn't seem to understand that relationships will have conversations from time to time that aren't enjoyable. The fact that I have been told not to talk about his ex (in the sense of me asking how are things going between the two of you) is the final straw for me. He has shown me the messages between the two of them and in all honesty is it her that starts the arguments- although he is the one that keeps them going which I think is wrong. Then when I tell him to stop he won't. Which hurts. He knows that she won't stop so I don't understand why he keeps going. She is lovely towards but I have been told others that she talks badly about me behind closed doors- these is nothing I can do about that.

I do think that my partner is controlling in regards to what he believes we can and cannot talk about. I want to get through to him that's it not okay or healthy yet I don't know how to. Everything I say is wrong. It all turns into an issue that is in his mind all my own doing and he is left basically acting like I have wronged him- most of the time in regards to our relationship it is never his fault and it is always mine

 

 

Are you sure about that? You have a boyfriend from whom you are about to make a huge life change and is now unwilling to even speak to you. That is not something a lovely person does.

 

As the others have said, don't go. He isn't ready. You are willing to make big sacrifices to your personal life and he won't even discuss an important issue with you. I have moved countries too (not for a man) and it is not easy. You have to really want it and be willing to face many challenges. If you are only going to for him, and not because of a great job offer or a personal desire, you will regret it, I feel.

[TaraMaiden2]

You have mentioned several things he already says and does which make you feel in the wrong, put you in second place to whatever he feels his entitlement is, and like it or not, THIS is how he takes it out on you.

 

He can't seem to 'control' his ex. So he controls you instead.

And he has faith in your affections for him that you will take his abuse, absorb it, accept it and let it go unchallenged.

This is how bullies create doormats.

 

THIS IS HOW BULLIES CREATE DOORMATS.

 

I just wanted to let you see the long-term consequence.... which he is begining to operate already....

[Aprilmae]

Really good points that I need to open my eyes to.

[GemmaUK]

Take a look in here.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions

 

It might help open your eyes a bit. The reading I have done has certainly opened mine.

Partly because it's the cheapest and fastest read I would recommend The Jealousy Game as a first read.

I think you will find your man in there somewhere within the first few pages.

Be warned though that this book escalates quickly - but it can show you that there are signs to watch for early on that could lead anywhere.

[elaine567]

My partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for a year. In 6 months I will be moving to live with him in his home country.

To cut a long story short he is a separated man yet legally cannot get a divorce for one more year. He has two beautiful children from this separated relationship. His ex is lovely towards me yet she is constantly messaging him with abusive content.

 

He has told me that he does not want me to ask about her anymore. That I can only talk about her if he brings it up. Today he told me that his separation is none of my business and that what occurs between the two of them has nothing to do with me.

 

I understand that there conversations are not mine but as a partner I don't understand why I can't ask if everything is ok... I feel upset and confused about being told I can't mention her and that it's nothing to do with me...

I also fear that I will move over there and I will not be able to express myself and I wonder if moving there is going to be a massive mistake.

...He is refusing to talk to me at the moment.

 

Be very careful here, he is only separated and you are essentially the rebound and that is not a great position to be in.

 

Step back a little here and think about what you are taking on.

A man with an ex wife in tow and two children, who may as time goes on be as hostile as their mother, to you and to him.

I am sure you have an image of happy families, but it may not be all that happy and his kids are going to take priority over you, and they are likely to take priority over your own kids too, remember that.

 

He is going to be shook up for years over this divorce, do you really want to be the scapegoat, the punchbag, the person he blames every time he is unhappy about the situation.

Any man that always blames the other and refuses to talk about it, is not a man you want to get into a LTR with. Stonewalling is a bad sign.

 

He may put you through all this angst and then decide 2 years down the line he is finally really over it and ready to date again, and you are then dumped. It is not uncommon, dating people who are still emotionally mixed up with their ex, is asking for trouble.

You will not be the first to find themselves ditched when the divorce finally comes through; after stoically helping a person through their divorce.

Do not put all your eggs in one basket here.

 

Why are they divorcing in the first place?

 

He is fundamentally a lovely person, until I mention something that he doesn't like.

Aren't they all?...