Gaslighting mother and sister

[DatingDirection]

I got an email today from my mother, whom i haven't heard from in months. She claims my sister told her, that i have been acting strange lately, and blamed it on the medication, I have been taking for depression and anxiety. Just to rewinde a bit, a few months ago, I was totoally broke and desporate for money for food. I called my mother up, to ask to borrow 20-40 dollars for food please. My mother was going to say yes, but her controlling, and abusive husband said no, then after i said, he's an awful person. He called me a parasite. He's acted this way towards me since i was 8 years old. I moved out at 14. So my mother and sister had a conversation and then i get an email, my mother tells me, my sister feels i have been acting strange lately and my outburst with my mother could be because of my medication. My sister is a high strung, vegan, who believes in total natural body healing, and veganism to the T, when it comes to healing any problem. She also believes the thoughts we put out there, is what comes to life and everything that happends to us, is due to our thoughts. My mother, didn't bring up anything about how her and her husband laughed at me on the phone, because i have mental health issues, nor did she mention anything about her husband calling me names on the phone.

 

I wrote my sister an email, explaining to her how her assumptions are wrong, she's not a doctor, she doesn't know how the med's work, and she doesn't know the context of my mothers conversation was with me. I also told her, i dis like her very much, and it's a shame we're not friends. One minute my sister can be sweet and loving, the next, she pipes in, where her pipe doesn't belong. My mother, is a jerk too.

 

I have no idea what to say to my mother about this?

[writergal]

Are your finances more stable now, than they were a few months ago? Or are you still struggling and in need of help?

 

My experience (and my belief) is that people who use the manipulative tactic of gaslighting, do it because they are self-righteous, narcissistic, always need to be the one with the advantage -- and deep down are very insecure. And gaslighters try to present themselves (falsely) as being sympathetic to conceal their actual psychological abuse of their victim.

 

In other words, they say things like "I'm doing this for your own good (fake sympathy) because you need to be more independent." (An indirect way of telling their victim they won't provide support when asked for it, and won't bother to give the victim a logical reason).

 

Gaslighters (from my personal experience) believe they're right and you're wrong, even when the facts are in your favor and prove they are wrong.

 

You know when you've been gaslighted because of these signs:

 

*you feel confused or off-balance during and after your interaction with the gaslighter.

 

*you think you may be going crazy and doubt yourself.

 

*the facts just don't add up with what the gaslighter has said and you know this, yet you internalize it as your fault rather than the gaslighter's manipulation of the facts.

 

*you don't trust your own gut reaction, so you ask others to confirm what you've experienced and observed.

 

Well, do you need to respond to your mother at this point? If she defers to her abusive husband when you ask her for help, she's showing you that your needs as her son are no longer her priority as your mother. That her husband's needs supercede her own children's needs, which is pretty dysfunctional. Is that accurate? That's just me thinking out loud based on what you wrote.

 

I personally would just look to your county for financial help like food stamps and help with rent (non profit organizations do exist to help people with section 8 housing, emergency rent lotteries and mediating eviction notices). Your mother and sister have shown you that you cannot go to them for emotional support or any kind of support based on how they treat you, which I'm sorry for.

 

Tonight I had a gaslighting experience with someone. They tried to backtrack when I called them out on it and I stuck to my guns until they admitted what they were doing and apologized. Doesn't always work with people who gaslight but tonight it did.

[DatingDirection]

Thanks Writergal, im in a better place right now, however, im actually happier having no contact with my mother. I just replied to her, i don't like the way she thinks, and that my friends haven't noticed any changes in my behavior. I think you really hit the hammer on the nail with your reply, and have a clear understanding of what the relationship is like with my mother. Thank you. I am just so angry with the email i got from her. I do feel confused, and she often times, looses sight of the point, to the point where i feel guilty and confused and wrong (as always). I am so tired of feeling like this.

[writergal]

Hey no worries DD. I have identified who the gaslighters are in my family because of the way they consistently gaslight me. So I have learned how to deal with gaslighters from first-hand experience.

 

While your anger at your mother is understandable and justified, try to diffuse it with exercise or something so that these encounters with your mother and sister via email, don't leave any harmful, lingering emotional effects on you. Basically, empower yourself by recognizing what they both do to you, when you are in an emotionally vulnerable place. Which isn't very nice of them.

 

Gaslighters will never admit they are wrong and will never validate their victims' feelings. Never. Believe me, I feel your frustration and I empathize with you about how angry your mother and sister make you feel.

 

Stop feeling guilty, confused and wrong. Because those feelings are the side effects of when your mother and sister abuse you via gaslighting. You have nothing to feel guilty, wrong, or confused about because you are doing the best you can with what you have -- and neither your mother or your sister have helped you the way you need(ed) them too. So, in essence, they have no say in how you live your life. Period. Feel good about yourself. Don't let them knock you off-balance anymore. You'll be ok.