Weird feelings (long w/ background)

[Dani_51]

 

 

I don't have anyone else to vent to, so here goes. Please don't judge me. I'd just like a sounding board.

 

My current monogamous relationship has been going on for 10+ years. The last five, my significant other (not yet married) has basically been extremely neglectful towards me, but says he hasn't noticed. Rewind to about 6 months ago. I met another guy while at a sports bar, and he and I'll strike up a conversation about the current event going on. No harm, no foul. The next few events, I run into this same guy and eventually this becomes a regular thing, to where we watch the games together, maybe twice a month. For the record, I had invited the significant other to go along with me numerous times, and my invites were always declined. So I figure I shouldn't miss out on games I want to see, and I'll just go on my own.

 

A couple months in, the other guy says he has a crush on me and starts hitting on me. I made it clear that I was spoken for and his behavior wasn't appropriate. He apologized, and stuck to compliments.

 

Not long after that, he suggested he and I hang out outside the bar, to which I thought was a bit shady, and agreed if only the significant other could come along. He agreed, and after a few weeks of trying to get these two together, it eventually happened, and they hit it off. That was a one-time thing, and I basically got the ok to hang with guy. The significant other knows he and I talk and hang out. (No one has made any moves)

Turns out, he's a pretty cool guy. I LOVE being around him, and we've become best friends. We have loads in common, easy to talk to, yada, yada, yada. You get the idea.

 

The problem now, is that I'm getting feelings for the other guy, and am feeling the same way about him that he does me. However, I'M NOT TRYING TO BREAK UP MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP, AND HAVE NO INTENTIONS TO DO SO. I just feel kinda stuck and don't know whether or not to tell the other guy how I feel. He doesn't know, and neither does the significant other. Ugh. >

[Versacehottie]

I'm just curious: if your bf has been neglectful toward you for FIVE years, why aren't you considering breaking up with him? And 10 years in don't you want marriage or some progression rather than going backward with him? There is a point at which loyalty is detrimental to your life than you just have to be loyal to number one: you--no one else will do it. I say that not in regards to new guy friend but first take care of yourself and really ask why you would stay in a relationship where you are treated as less than. Life is short. I'm just curious. Answer these and it will help me give you the best advice for you.

 

I will say off the top of my head reading this about the guy friend. Number one for sure he definitely represents what you are missing in your current romantic life. Whether it's founded real feelings that could be something special it's hard to tell, from your end. I'd be really cautious of mistake your dissatisfaction with your real life relationship and transferring the excitement and attention this new guy friend gives you and mistaking them for real feelings of your own. That said, I think you've given your relationship enough time and attention (from what you've written here) and it's probably time to move onto someone else. To me, if you are not mistaking the attention that you get from this guy and turning it into something else, I think you should go for it. The story is nice and way you told it has the ring of a true love story. I hope you find what you are looking for. You have handled it well so I wouldn't feel guilty.

 

I would, as I said to someone else today, keep your side of the street clean. Meaning you should break up with current bf before you start dating anyone else. A clean 100% break up. It's only fair to all involved and best chance for real happiness. I hope you are not staying with current bf because you are scared about what future holds. That's a sh8tty way to live. You deserve better for yourself. But it does require that you do some things that won't be easy. 10 years!!!! 5 not good!! Please don't be complacent about your life. Good luck

[Versacehottie]

I just feel kinda stuck and don't know whether or not to tell the other guy how I feel. He doesn't know, and neither does the significant other. Ugh. >

 

forgot to say. Of course you feel stuck!!! You are stuck!!! 1000% I think you need to decide if you want to repair your current relationship and if you do, work on doing that. Only if that is the road you are committed to AND you are backed into a corner with him not changing his behavior do you come clean that his neglect caused you to start to have feelings for someone else. I would try to keep vague and keep him focused on treating you better or else. But chances are he will be motivated by jealousy and disrespect at that point so he will not be as focused. Maybe just on "winning" you for a short time with better behavior and then revert. Maybe it will scare him into changing for good. But now trust will be broken and you will have to live with that for years. It's a last resort move.

 

I think if you decide to go new guy path, you should tell him and he can support you through the breakup. Keep in mind that a lot of this stuff can be too heavy for a new relationship which should be lighter and more fun at the beginning and only about you two. If I went this pathway (which I would based on what you have said here), I would tell him to confirm his interest but then handle the breakup mostly on my own. Drama is unattractive to most stable guys. Keep in mind that some guys freak out when presented with a REAL opportunity that they "flirted" with but didn't really believe would materialize. Some bolt, just saying. That's why you need to ask yourself if you are ready to break up with current boyfriend because there really is no guarantee that this will work out.

 

Lastly, in your post you were adamant that you have no intentions of breaking up with current boyfriend. Well, then this is a moot point and we should not really be discussing this. No of course you can't mention this to new guy friend. Those sorts of un-acted upon feelings have tendency to turn into affairs. You, to be fair to your relationship, would have to limit your friendship and I would say reduce contact with new friend. I can feel your heart breaking already with that one--so just admit to yourself!!