Married Sex 2 weeks after period

[salparadise]

I know it's incredibly depressing, and what makes it worse is that we talk about it, and talk about it, but his actions don't match his words.

 

I know what it feels like to be with someone that enjoys satisfying me and I don't get that feeling from him it feels like he either doesn't know what he's doing(which at his age I can't imagine) or he is doing the bare minimum of "foreplay" (if he decides to do any at all which to him is only kissing my neck and nibbling my ear), doing foreplay so badly that I tell him to stop ( if I try to adjust anything he gets offended.), or not doing foreplay at all.

 

I'm always initiating and that's why I always end up doing everything that he likes if I ask him to reciprocate he pretends like he didn't hear me or like it's a big shocker that after sucking him off for a half hour I want him to return the favor, everytime. If I don't ask for anything he won't volunteer reciprocation at all he'll go straight to penetration and when I stop him he'll get soft and act shocked that I want oral after sucking him off for half an hour.

 

So I don't understand his "solution" of "let's continue to have sex where I get everything I want and you don't" why would I want to continue doing that after doing that for 4 years and it's the same outcome I'm going insane.

 

 

He's rushing through it, skipping the fun parts and much of intimacy. The fact that he gets soft if you try to redirect may be indicative of insecurities and performance anxiety... which is probably why he's hesitant to start going to counseling. And, probably why he doesn't learn to please you better and better as time goes on. I think he has defensive walls in place to protect a fragile inner core. I do not think it's that he doesn't want to to please... it's that he afraid to fail and that's what he focuses on.

 

Counseling- definitely. If he can learn to channel his energy differently it could make all the difference in the world. My advice is to do your best to remove all of the tit for tat, contentiousness, controlling tendencies and so forth not only the bedroom, but from the day to day routine. Set a tone of cooperation and ask him to go again. The tit for tat thing puts the two of you at odds when what you're trying to achieve is cooperation. Good luck- hope it all works out.

[elaine567]

He's rushing through it, skipping the fun parts and much of intimacy. The fact that he gets soft if you try to redirect may be indicative of insecurities and performance anxiety... which is probably why he's hesitant to start going to counseling. And, probably why he doesn't learn to please you better and better as time goes on. I think he has defensive walls in place to protect a fragile inner core. I do not think it's that he doesn't want to to please... it's that he afraid to fail and that's what he focuses on.

 

Counseling- definitely. If he can learn to channel his energy differently it could make all the difference in the world. My advice is to do your best to remove all of the tit for tat, contentiousness, controlling tendencies and so forth not only the bedroom, but from the day to day routine. Set a tone of cooperation and ask him to go again. The tit for tat thing puts the two of you at odds when what you're trying to achieve is cooperation. Good luck- hope it all works out.

 

Ok. but how does she persuade his "fragile inner core" to expose itself to counselling?

He refuses to go, as it would "stress him out".

 

He once told me he'd kill me, the babies, and then himself if we didn't work out because his life would pretty much be over.

 

That is very scary.

[Dolfin80]

He is totally emotionally manipulating you. His requests for sex are full of emotional blackmail. He is doing this on purpose to control you, it is sexual abuse and emotional abuse. I bet he manipulates you in other ways too maybe it's cooking or cleaning or shopping. You need to get yourself into counselling immediately. I believe he is dangerous as he has already shown a massive red flag - he mentioned killing you, your child and himself if you ever left him. Please go see a counsellor as I believe you are living with a perpetrator of domestic violence.

 

Please read this book as it will help you clarify his behaviour:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

 

He is purposely rejecting your sexual needs (making different excuses) and pressuring you into uncomfortable intercourse to destroy your self esteem and self confidence, that way he can control you further. He purposely talks about his previous partners enjoying him sexually, he blames you for all the issues, so you doubt you own reality and feelings. This way him gets control over your mind, you stop believing your own thoughts, it's called mind control. Narcissists see you only as an extension of themselves, they don't see you as a separate person with needs, they only care about themselves. Everything revolves around them.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Dolfin80

[Got it]

I do value our marriage and family, and he says he does too. Neither one of us wants to divorce.

 

He once told me he'd kill me,the babies,and then himself if we didn't work out because his life would pretty much be over. I know that sounds horrible,and it is, but I choose to think he wouldn't do that. He has gone through soooo much terrible stuff in his life, so I think I just understood it as he would be so devastated if we split. When he said that to me was the first time I felt afraid, he says I shouldn't be afraid that he'll never hurt me or our children, but that's a he'll of a thing to say.

 

Anyways, counseling he says will stress him out more and he says he has enough stress from work and school, and doesn't need more at home.

 

I've told him that I've given him oral soooo many times and he smells gross and tastes bad even straight out of the shower but I never stopped doing it or created a ****ing obstacle course of things he had to do before I would go down on him.

 

Now he's all dramatic and bought some jock itch spray and says it's because I told him he smells so he's spraying himself.

 

Also, he told me that it's not that he doesn't care about my pleasure (ok sure) it's that he gets anxiety because he feels that if he goes down and I don't orgasm I'm going to blame it on him and make it his fault,and he'd rather avoid that altogether and just penetrate and leave the rest up to me.

 

His other solution was to continue having sex and not worrying about me orgasming to help him heal and feel less anxious about performing. He tells me to stop thinking he doesn't care because he cares too much.

 

The things he says don't make sense to me.

 

I have no family, and no friends , I wouldn't know where to go or what to do if we broke up.

 

:eek::eek: Whoa. :confused: That is a very alarming comment.

[autumnnight]

:eek::eek: Whoa. :confused: That is a very alarming comment.

 

I agree. There is way more going on here than an aversion to post-period oral sex.

 

And it's not the wife's problem, sorry...it's the HUSBAND who has the issues here.

[Syirrus]

So, my husband has been hinting at sex for a few days now since my period ended on the 9th which is almost 2 weeks ago. I felt comfortable that enough time had passed since the end of my period so I initiated sex.

 

I like to wait an extra while after my period is over before having sex because otherwise he'll refuse to go down on me because there might be residual blood, which is fine I understand that and it's totally ok, and that's why I wait to make sure there is nothing left.

 

But oral is how I get wettest and the only way I can climax, and he knows this.

 

So we're making out and when he goes to put it in I asked him to go down on me first and he said no that there might be blood. So I told him I would rather wait to have sex whenever he feels comfortable enough to go down on me than have 'painful dry vag only he gets pleasure sex.'

 

Well he didn't like that.

 

It's been two weeks there's no blood. I feel as if it was merely his excuse for not wanting to give me oral, and instead of just saying so he blamed it on 'potential blood' that could be there after two weeks.

 

He said that I was making it difficult and being impossible by refusing to have sex. He became very upset and told me that he shouldn't be punished just cuz I don't get to climax and that I should have sex with him just to make him happy and give him pleasure, not just to orgasm.

 

I'm so tired of it. I don't even understand anymore. Am I wrong? What am I missing here?

 

I agree with what some of the other posters are saying and I agree with your assessment. Unless you have a medical condition, there is no way that you have blood "down there" two weeks after your period. Sadly, his excuse is a paper dragon.

 

You're not crazy and it is most definitely frustrating. How would I handle it? I would ask him what he wants in the bedroom and be open to trying it. That way, he can follow by your example. You give it your all with what he wants, and then you flip the script. Typically, men want to make their wifes happy and if he is happy, there is only reason for him to share his happiness. Does that make sense?

 

John

[autumnnight]

I agree with what some of the other posters are saying and I agree with your assessment. Unless you have a medical condition, there is no way that you have blood "down there" two weeks after your period. Sadly, his excuse is a paper dragon.

 

You're not crazy and it is most definitely frustrating. How would I handle it? I would ask him what he wants in the bedroom and be open to trying it. That way, he can follow by your example. You give it your all with what he wants, and then you flip the script. Typically, men want to make their wifes happy and if he is happy, there is only reason for him to share his happiness. Does that make sense?

 

John

 

She addressed this in other posts. He basically doesn't care as long as he gets his.

[Syirrus]

She addressed this in other posts. He basically doesn't care as long as he gets his.

 

Ah I missed the other post. Do you have a link, or is it a dead thread?

[autumnnight]

Ah I missed the other post. Do you have a link, or is it a dead thread?

 

In her other posts on this thread, she has stated that his answer to this problem is for her to KEEP doing everything for him he likes, and it will all sort itself out....aka he gets his and he won't change anything.

 

Sadly, I think this is just a selfish man.

[Syirrus]

In her other posts on this thread, she has stated that his answer to this problem is for her to KEEP doing everything for him he likes, and it will all sort itself out....aka he gets his and he won't change anything.

 

Sadly, I think this is just a selfish man.

 

I would argue he is not a man period.

[Justcurious3]

He is totally emotionally manipulating you. His requests for sex are full of emotional blackmail. He is doing this on purpose to control you, it is sexual abuse and emotional abuse. I bet he manipulates you in other ways too maybe it's cooking or cleaning or shopping. You need to get yourself into counselling immediately. I believe he is dangerous as he has already shown a massive red flag - he mentioned killing you, your child and himself if you ever left him. Please go see a counsellor as I believe you are living with a perpetrator of domestic violence.

 

Please read this book as it will help you clarify his behaviour:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

 

He is purposely rejecting your sexual needs (making different excuses) and pressuring you into uncomfortable intercourse to destroy your self esteem and self confidence, that way he can control you further. He purposely talks about his previous partners enjoying him sexually, he blames you for all the issues, so you doubt you own reality and feelings. This way him gets control over your mind, you stop believing your own thoughts, it's called mind control. Narcissists see you only as an extension of themselves, they don't see you as a separate person with needs, they only care about themselves. Everything revolves around them.

Thanks, purchased the book and have been reading it I'm 28% in, and I'm starting to get scared. I really thought he was a breath of fresh air compared to my previous relationships, I guess he's just not as bad, but I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with threatening to kill us if things go sour, and he said I shouldn't be worried about it if I was planning on always being with him. I kept telling him that I scared me and he kept saying that I shouldn't be scared unless I was planning on leaving him :0 , I mean he wouldn't concede that saying something like that is ridiculously frightening period whether I plan on staying or not once he saw me tearing up, he changed it to I'm not going to be paying child support and living in my mom's house for the rest of my life.

 

He told me that if he was some abusive man I would already know it because he would have became abusive years ago at 25. He then said that I am abusive to him, as he looked at my unshaven armpits with disgust, and also told me that I'm the one that could potentially become an abusive lunatic because I'm 25 and my brain isn't fully developed yet... All of which are things this book is telling me abusive people say and do.

 

I don't want to believe it but I will read and reread this book while taking notes on his behavior so that hopefully I can take to counseling. I really feel hopeless if he turns out to be some abusive maniac.

[Dolfin80]

Thanks, purchased the book and have been reading it I'm 28% in, and I'm starting to get scared. I really thought he was a breath of fresh air compared to my previous relationships, I guess he's just not as bad, but I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with threatening to kill us if things go sour, and he said I shouldn't be worried about it if I was planning on always being with him. I kept telling him that I scared me and he kept saying that I shouldn't be scared unless I was planning on leaving him :0 , I mean he wouldn't concede that saying something like that is ridiculously frightening period whether I plan on staying or not once he saw me tearing up, he changed it to I'm not going to be paying child support and living in my mom's house for the rest of my life.

 

He told me that if he was some abusive man I would already know it because he would have became abusive years ago at 25. He then said that I am abusive to him, as he looked at my unshaven armpits with disgust, and also told me that I'm the one that could potentially become an abusive lunatic because I'm 25 and my brain isn't fully developed yet... All of which are things this book is telling me abusive people say and do.

 

I don't want to believe it but I will read and reread this book while taking notes on his behavior so that hopefully I can take to counseling. I really feel hopeless if he turns out to be some abusive maniac.

 

 

 

He will always deny being abusive as these types feel entitled to their behaviour. He is cruel to you trying to talk to him will be like pulling hens teeth as he will turn it all on you. He is already blaming you for his poor treatment of you. Keep a diary hidden and write down everything he is doing then take it to a counsellor preferably one experienced with domestic violence. Also google the power and control wheel see if anything listed there is relevant. Good luck.

[Syirrus]

Thanks, purchased the book and have been reading it I'm 28% in, and I'm starting to get scared. I really thought he was a breath of fresh air compared to my previous relationships, I guess he's just not as bad, but I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with threatening to kill us if things go sour, and he said I shouldn't be worried about it if I was planning on always being with him. I kept telling him that I scared me and he kept saying that I shouldn't be scared unless I was planning on leaving him :0 , I mean he wouldn't concede that saying something like that is ridiculously frightening period whether I plan on staying or not once he saw me tearing up, he changed it to I'm not going to be paying child support and living in my mom's house for the rest of my life.

 

He told me that if he was some abusive man I would already know it because he would have became abusive years ago at 25. He then said that I am abusive to him, as he looked at my unshaven armpits with disgust, and also told me that I'm the one that could potentially become an abusive lunatic because I'm 25 and my brain isn't fully developed yet... All of which are things this book is telling me abusive people say and do.

 

I don't want to believe it but I will read and reread this book while taking notes on his behavior so that hopefully I can take to counseling. I really feel hopeless if he turns out to be some abusive maniac.

 

Please please run the other way. This person has serious issues you don't want to be entangled with. Like Dolfin80 said, he is just projecting his behavior or his potentially abhorrent behavior on to you. The hallmark of someone who won't take responsibility for his actions.

 

Syirrus

[Got it]

Thanks, purchased the book and have been reading it I'm 28% in, and I'm starting to get scared. I really thought he was a breath of fresh air compared to my previous relationships, I guess he's just not as bad, but I asked him if he thought there was anything wrong with threatening to kill us if things go sour, and he said I shouldn't be worried about it if I was planning on always being with him. I kept telling him that I scared me and he kept saying that I shouldn't be scared unless I was planning on leaving him :0 , I mean he wouldn't concede that saying something like that is ridiculously frightening period whether I plan on staying or not once he saw me tearing up, he changed it to I'm not going to be paying child support and living in my mom's house for the rest of my life.

 

He told me that if he was some abusive man I would already know it because he would have became abusive years ago at 25. He then said that I am abusive to him, as he looked at my unshaven armpits with disgust, and also told me that I'm the one that could potentially become an abusive lunatic because I'm 25 and my brain isn't fully developed yet... All of which are things this book is telling me abusive people say and do.

 

I don't want to believe it but I will read and reread this book while taking notes on his behavior so that hopefully I can take to counseling. I really feel hopeless if he turns out to be some abusive maniac.

 

Holy crap JC - the more he talks the more alarming it becomes. Please talk to a/your therapist about this ASAP, talk to a women's center, etc. He is not right at all and these are very extreme statements.

[anna121]

 

He once told me he'd kill me,the babies,and then himself if we didn't work out because his life would pretty much be over.

 

...I choose to think he wouldn't do that.

 

When he said that to me was the first time I felt afraid...

 

 

This is NOT normal relationship-stuff OP.

 

This is scary.

 

I am not saying he will necessarily do it. But he is perfectly prepared to use the threat of it to keep you in line.

 

I would get counselling for yourself (if you haven't already), and tell your counsellor about this.

 

This is way more important than the sex issue.

[truncated]

I do value our marriage and family, and he says he does too. Neither one of us wants to divorce.

 

He once told me he'd kill me,the babies,and then himself if we didn't work out because his life would pretty much be over. I know that sounds horrible,and it is, but I choose to think he wouldn't do that. He has gone through soooo much terrible stuff in his life, so I think I just understood it as he would be so devastated if we split. When he said that to me was the first time I felt afraid, he says I shouldn't be afraid that he'll never hurt me or our children, but that's a he'll of a thing to say.

 

Anyways, counseling he says will stress him out more and he says he has enough stress from work and school, and doesn't need more at home.

 

I've told him that I've given him oral soooo many times and he smells gross and tastes bad even straight out of the shower but I never stopped doing it or created a ****ing obstacle course of things he had to do before I would go down on him.

 

Now he's all dramatic and bought some jock itch spray and says it's because I told him he smells so he's spraying himself.

 

Also, he told me that it's not that he doesn't care about my pleasure (ok sure) it's that he gets anxiety because he feels that if he goes down and I don't orgasm I'm going to blame it on him and make it his fault,and he'd rather avoid that altogether and just penetrate and leave the rest up to me.

 

His other solution was to continue having sex and not worrying about me orgasming to help him heal and feel less anxious about performing. He tells me to stop thinking he doesn't care because he cares too much.

 

The things he says don't make sense to me.

 

I have no family, and no friends , I wouldn't know where to go or what to do if we broke up.

 

I'm not trying to minimize your issues with him and sex, but after reading this, that should be the least of your worries.

 

from what you say, your husband has gone through some horrible things in his lie, and for some people, that can lead to personality disorders and mental health issues. In his case, it sounds like he is afraid of being hurt again, so he tries to prevent that by being uber controlling of everything. It's like he's wound this incredibly tight cocoon around himself, but should that break, he's afraid he might snap.

 

The threat he made against you and your children, albeit likely made in passing, is something you should take seriously. Blend that with his obvious control issues and low self esteem, and you have someone who needs a lot of therapy to work his problems out.

 

You are not his therapist. You are his spouse.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would discretely start looking up what resources exist in your community to keep you and your children safe. There's lots of information on line form women and men who have been in your shoes, and also man organizations that will have useful ideas that you can use. Start making a plan to get out, and get out quickly. Start socking money away somewhere and have your plan ready if you need it.

 

Try and get him into therapy if you can. It sounds like he needs it.