10 years on and the tables are turned

[kazacol]

bathtub row - If only life were that simple, some things may be worth making changes for, even big changes. Life shouldn't be about being safe and constant all the time. Life should be exciting and have ups and downs. So long as the people you love are taken care of and nobody is getting hurt then you should be free to pursue whatever makes you happy.

Unfortunately there are too many people who may get hurt by my current A. So I have to call an end to it this time around. And it was cut short 10 years ago for the essentially same reasons. Maybe I'll be 3rd time lucky.

[bathtub-row]

bathtub row - If only life were that simple, some things may be worth making changes for, even big changes. Life shouldn't be about being safe and constant all the time. Life should be exciting and have ups and downs. So long as the people you love are taken care of and nobody is getting hurt then you should be free to pursue whatever makes you happy.

Unfortunately there are too many people who may get hurt by my current A. So I have to call an end to it this time around. And it was cut short 10 years ago for the essentially same reasons. Maybe I'll be 3rd time lucky.

 

As an ex used to say to me, "Life is simple. It's people who complicate it."

 

Yep, I totally understand taking risks, etc, and I encourage risk. I just think that what you're talking about is pretty much out there in left field. I'm really sorry. Maybe it'll work out someday.

[Popsicle]

Kazacol, I'm actually really proud of you for having the courage to divorce. I think you should maintain low contact with MW though, just like she did with you, during those 10 years.

[AlwaysGrowing]

kazacol, what my post was about...is exactly what others have pointed out...your thought processes and plans are out in left field....very similar to those of teenagers...not well thought out at all...and very me focused. Which is odd...for someone who is a parent. Heck, you still go on...thinking your daughter is the best person to decide for herself if she should move to another country...the same country as your OW. ....really? Would you inform your daughter of your decades long mistress and the new "siblings" that would be awaiting your daughter?

 

The fact complete internet strangers had to point any of this out to you...speaks to your lack of awareness.

 

Get thyself into IC. Start working on you.

[truncated]

Right,

 

Always Growing - Either i'm not clear in my posts or you're not reading them properly.

"Your daughter, who already has limited hands-on parenting from you, was cast aside...so you could live closer to the OW."

No I haven't moved anywhere, I was considering doing so after a period of time.

 

"You were going to quit your job, move thousands of miles away, move to a different country, put additional financial burden on yourself....for the OW. "

I was considering finding a different job and moving to a different country yes, I wouldn't do that without first being in a position to do so where nobody would be any worse off. you make it sound like i was planning to just quit and run!

I've already agreed to keep my wife and child in the manner to which they've become accustomed for a minimum of 4 years before I would my wife to even contribute to the costs of running the household. In the mean time I continue to pay for everything and see my daughter whenever I have time off, not much has really changed other then I'm not sleeping there anymore and I've finally given my wife and I the chance to find a more rewarding relationship. Staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children doesn't always have the desired effect and can cause a lot of emotional damage to a child.

If I had decided to move to another country after the time required to get my stuff in order then my daughter would have been of an age where she could certainly decide if she wanted to come with me or not.

 

"Your daughter....doesn't even get one of those...for you to be a more prominent figure in her life..YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!"

See my reply above, aren't these forums supposed to be about supporting and helping people make their own decisions, or would you prefer to use it just to get shouty?

 

Amomwhoknows - I disagree. If I were to change my mind in a few years then I should and absolutely would ask my daughter to choose. If I want to live in another country then I would definitely want her to have the opportunity to come with me if that is what she wants, and even now I think she's old enough to make such decisions about her own future. She's a wonderful and mature 12 yr old, one of the reasons I felt it was finally time to call an end to my marriage as I felt she could now deal with it and process it in a mature way.

You're right though that I would have been moving for an unkown, a big unknown. But I would have been going into that eyes open.

Finally, the OW knows how much I earn and we both know that her H earns even more, not to mention that she earns a good wage herself. We both have more than we need, and she's not after my money, that's for sure.

 

I'm glad to get your responses (mostly), I'm planning to end the realtionship on our next meeting and hope that we can agree to maintain NC for an extended period.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to end up with her, but the only way to do that is to wait until we're both in a position where that is possible. Continuing our A is not good for anyone in the long run.

If it takes 10 years (or even longer) then who knows where we'll both be in that time, but my heart tells me we'll still be holding a candle for each other.

 

 

I don't know where you live, but where your child lives may be out of your hands should you suddenly decide to move. A court may tell you that, if you want partial custody and you are simply moving because you want to, not because you have to, then you aren't going to get it. Many countries are very leery of a parent taking a child out of their home country.

[truncated]

kazacol, what my post was about...is exactly what others have pointed out...your thought processes and plans are out in left field....very similar to those of teenagers...not well thought out at all...and very me focused. Which is odd...for someone who is a parent. Heck, you still go on...thinking your daughter is the best person to decide for herself if she should move to another country...the same country as your OW. ....really? Would you inform your daughter of your decades long mistress and the new "siblings" that would be awaiting your daughter?

 

The fact complete internet strangers had to point any of this out to you...speaks to your lack of awareness.

 

Get thyself into IC. Start working on you.

 

 

He days himself that there are risks to his plan ( which he now seems to have put aside) to go and live near his ow, yet he is not the one who is going to be assuming any of those risks. He wants everyone else to do so ( his kids, his ow husband and kids, his ex wife) so that he and his ow can get what they want.

 

If his ow thinks that leaving your kids behind to go and live near your AP is so easy and straightforward why is she not the one doing so? Why is she asking and expecting him to do it? Because she doesn't want to hurt her kids? If so, then why is she okay with asking him to hurt his by leaving them behind?

[anika99]

Right,

 

Always Growing - Either i'm not clear in my posts or you're not reading them properly.

"Your daughter, who already has limited hands-on parenting from you, was cast aside...so you could live closer to the OW."

No I haven't moved anywhere, I was considering doing so after a period of time.

 

"You were going to quit your job, move thousands of miles away, move to a different country, put additional financial burden on yourself....for the OW. "

I was considering finding a different job and moving to a different country yes, I wouldn't do that without first being in a position to do so where nobody would be any worse off. you make it sound like i was planning to just quit and run!

I've already agreed to keep my wife and child in the manner to which they've become accustomed for a minimum of 4 years before I would my wife to even contribute to the costs of running the household. In the mean time I continue to pay for everything and see my daughter whenever I have time off, not much has really changed other then I'm not sleeping there anymore and I've finally given my wife and I the chance to find a more rewarding relationship. Staying together in a loveless marriage for the sake of the children doesn't always have the desired effect and can cause a lot of emotional damage to a child.

If I had decided to move to another country after the time required to get my stuff in order then my daughter would have been of an age where she could certainly decide if she wanted to come with me or not.

 

"Your daughter....doesn't even get one of those...for you to be a more prominent figure in her life..YOUR OWN CHILD!!!!"

See my reply above, aren't these forums supposed to be about supporting and helping people make their own decisions, or would you prefer to use it just to get shouty?

 

Amomwhoknows - I disagree. If I were to change my mind in a few years then I should and absolutely would ask my daughter to choose. If I want to live in another country then I would definitely want her to have the opportunity to come with me if that is what she wants, and even now I think she's old enough to make such decisions about her own future. She's a wonderful and mature 12 yr old, one of the reasons I felt it was finally time to call an end to my marriage as I felt she could now deal with it and process it in a mature way.

You're right though that I would have been moving for an unkown, a big unknown. But I would have been going into that eyes open.

Finally, the OW knows how much I earn and we both know that her H earns even more, not to mention that she earns a good wage herself. We both have more than we need, and she's not after my money, that's for sure.

 

I'm glad to get your responses (mostly), I'm planning to end the realtionship on our next meeting and hope that we can agree to maintain NC for an extended period.

I would be lying if I said that I didn't want to end up with her, but the only way to do that is to wait until we're both in a position where that is possible. Continuing our A is not good for anyone in the long run.

If it takes 10 years (or even longer) then who knows where we'll both be in that time, but my heart tells me we'll still be holding a candle for each other.

 

You miss the point. It's not a question of whether or not your daughter is mature enough to make a decision about her life, it's just the fact that she shouldn't be asked to choose one of her parents as that's just a no win for her no matter what she decides. "Honey, do you want to leave your mother to move to another country with me, even though at 15 a girl really needs her mom close, or would you rather stay with mom and I'll move away without you, even though at 15 a girl really really needs her father to be a strong presence in her life? Which one sounds better to you? Which parent do you want to give up?" That is an awful choice to give to child. She deserves both of her parents to be a stones throw away.

 

At 15 it is very unlikely that she will want to leave her mom, her friends, her life, to move away with you. So you will abandon her to go to this country and justify this to yourself by saying "well it was her choice", and because teens have a hard time expressing themselves and often don't even realize that they're being screwed and getting a raw deal, she will probably never even vocalize her real emotions at having her dad up and leave her. Instead she will internalize it and possibly start getting into trouble with creepy guys while she's looking for love from a replacement daddy figure. That's why asking her to pick which parent she wants to give up is a really crappy thing to do to her. She doesn't want to lose either of you and she shouldn't have to.

[ladydesigner]

kazacol to me it sounds like a lot of wasted life on both sides if you are still pining for each other.

 

Seriously do you want to do this for the rest of your life? How do you know your MOW feels the same?

 

I can't imagine waiting 10 years for someone whilst being married.

 

I agree with the posters who say you need to work on yourself. I think in IC you will find a clearer path. One that is healthy for you.

[Lovemesomehim]

How strange...it all sounds fantasy based on lies and deceit but expecting a good outcome...

[Ms. Faust]

OP, I think the issue most people have with this plan was the idea of abandoning your pre teen daughter... which no matter how you spin it, that is effectively what would happen.

 

Even the OW snorting the finest grade of rainbow unicorn is going to balk at leaving the kids 4500 miles away. I would be willing to say it would be a bit different if your daughters were grown with lives and families of their own, but even then it's iffy.

 

As it is, BOTH of them are at a tender age, and need their father... no matter how absent he presently is in their lives.

 

I also think a very fine point was brought up that the OW would be ok with this plan, which speaks loudly of her character.

 

Hope you stick to your resolve.

[Eighty_nine]

OP, I'm not saying you don't have a connection with OW, but this is all mostly fantasy. Please realize affairs or 'forbidden loves' are like that. I'm sad you are so blase toward your daughter. At some point in your life you'll realize your relationship with your kids should be #1 above and beyond any other. Also, you really want to wait 10 years for fulfilling love and companionship with another person? That seems crazy to me. You deserve to be really single and free of any strings because that's the only way you'll ever meet anyone else.