A sort of affair?

[Ophelia25]

This is my first time posting in such a forum, because I 1)have no idea how to make my problem short enough that people will want to read it and 2)when I read most things like this, the "advice" tends to be things like either "Why did you get yourself into such a situation in the first place?" or "You just have to learn to love yourself," neither of which seems all that helpful.

 

I've been in an emotional affair for about 7 years with my high-school boyfriend. We are both married and have been for 15 (me) and 19 years (him). Our breakup was difficult and never really solidified. He moved away, things got weird, we ended it even though we both were still very much in love with each other. He has two teenage kids, I have no children. Our spouses are aware of our relationship, though likely not quite aware of how intense it is. His wife hates it, and me, though she and I do maintain a civil relationship because we have mutual friends (he and family live 7 hours away, so I never see them). My husband is a little less bothered by the relationship. He trusts me, I'm open about what we say and do (for the most part), and he even gets turned on when I tell him about our more flirtatious conversations. He doesn't like when I'm sad, and notices that I get sad often when I'm not talking to this guy. He thinks I'm an idiot for liking him still, when everyone we have ever known has thought he's all wrong for me and a rude jerk. And, maybe is - people always say that the kind of person who would have an affair on his wife isn't the kind of person one wants to be with (which sort of confuses me, since am I not that kind of person, too?) But when it's just the two of us, talking, he is fun and silly and makes me laugh, and most importantly, makes me feel wanted, and he's the only person who ever really has made me feel that way. My husband and I are great friends, almost like room-mates. We love each other deeply, and I think have had a pretty good marriage. But the passion, the tenderness, the desire, the crazy Romeo and Juliet kind of love, has always been with this other guy.

 

We don't intend to make the affair a full-blown one, though we've had a few opportunities. We have been a little intimate, but I sort of feel like if we've gone this long, perhaps we can hold back. We are sexual in text (we rarely talk on the phone, just text), and because both of us have pretty starved sex lives, this seems to help some.

 

The problem? I am a very not busy person. I work at home, have no kids, have a spouse who doesn't really want to do anything, and I spend many, many hours alone with my phone and computer and a couch. While I do need to try to do more, and stay busy, and all that stuff, I'm still left with a required 40 hours in front of a computer with often not too much to do, in addition to very long weekends where my husband is sleeping on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere, but also not really wanting me to go off and do things on my own. My...what do I call him? "other," has a very busy life and is constantly running around and doing things, and I am often ignored for long stretches of time.

 

I feel like I don't need very much from him, relatively speaking. On days when we talk, our conversations are generally brief, a little flirty, and I can get through the day and feel happy and confident and wanted. It's almost...enough, as odd as that seems. But, I have a really hard time dealing with being dropped any time it's a weekend, or a vacation, or anything else he needs to do. Whenever he needs anything from me, I stop what I'm doing and tend to it. I help him write, mostly - I'm a writer and he isn't. I give him sexual attention (virtually, obviously) when he's feeling horny or frustrated. I (try to) leave him alone when he's busy or stressed. But I get so upset and frustrated and depressed anytime he doesn't talk to me. I suffer from depression and anxiety, and though the meds seem to work fine, what I've read about affairs and depression seems to indicate that the feeling of "being in love" gives a boost of dopamine that depressed people crave. So, I'm physically addicted to this relationship. I feel terrible saddling him with the responsibility of fulfilling my addiction, but because the feelings are reciprocated, and my judgment is clouded by 25 years of having been in love with him, and all those silly teenagery "true love" kinds of things, I feel like I cannot just cut him off and end things.

 

Is there any hope for balance? Is the only solution to completely sever all ties forever and ever? Because, we have tried that so many times, and after weeks of crying and misery for both of us, we end up talking again. Is there any way that I can learn to just go away when he is busy and be there when he is not without feeling so used and desperate? Do I need to resort to the more drugs and therapy (so expensive!) route?

 

I'm sorry, I tried to keep it as basic as possible - so many other elements I'd like to add, but perhaps the gist can at least get some people talking.

[Giggle]

Ugh. The similarities. =\ try to find something you really enjoy. That's the only thing I can think of really. Waiting for his bits of attention is going to make you nuts. He's your world whereas he has a world. And he gets extra adoring attention whenever he wants. And I don't say this mean cause I think the same damn thing about mine. I think they are all like that.

 

But yup, I don't think it's the busy you need, but finding something that makes you smile. Something that you are passionate about.

[OldRover]

7 years is a long time to be emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse.

 

I could argue to work hard to make your marriage work... find the passion and love you need and build on it. If you just can't you probably need to end it.

 

As for you HS boyfriend.... he has his own marriage to attend to. Your relationship with him will only bring both marriages trouble. Seems like it already has.

[Marc878]

Why waste your life on this? You could spend the time making it more beneficial.

[HappyAgain2014]

I don't see this going anywhere. He lives far away and probably just likes the attention. Meanwhile, it's an emotional attachment for you that defines your mood on a daily basis. That's not healthy. You are waiting for something that will not happen.

 

I'd work on improving your marriage or get a divorce. If you divorce, you'll have opportunities to meet someone locally who can build a relationship with you. None of those criteria would be met by your former boyfriend/MM.

[Ms. Faust]

I guess I am not understanding what your dilemma is.

 

Do you want your MM to leave?

 

Do you want to take it to a more physical level?

 

Are you content with the way things are now and distressed that it is seen as unconventional?

 

What kind of balance are you talking about that you need? Him or that need for romantic, passionate, Harlequin love?

 

The fact you text more than talk is kind of concerning, btw.

[cocorico]

 

The problem? I am a very not busy person. I work at home, have no kids, have a spouse who doesn't really want to do anything, and I spend many, many hours alone with my phone and computer and a couch. While I do need to try to do more, and stay busy, and all that stuff, I'm still left with a required 40 hours in front of a computer with often not too much to do, in addition to very long weekends where my husband is sleeping on the couch and not wanting to go anywhere, but also not really wanting me to go off and do things on my own. My...what do I call him? "other," has a very busy life and is constantly running around and doing things, and I am often ignored for long stretches of time.

I feel like I don't need very much from him, relatively speaking. On days when we talk, our conversations are generally brief, a little flirty, and I can get through the day and feel happy and confident and wanted. It's almost...enough, as odd as that seems. But, I have a really hard time dealing with being dropped any time it's a weekend, or a vacation, or anything else he needs to do. Whenever he needs anything from me, I stop what I'm doing and tend to it.

I help him write, mostly - I'm a writer and he isn't. I give him sexual attention (virtually, obviously) when he's feeling horny or frustrated. I (try to) leave him alone when he's busy or stressed. But I get so upset and frustrated and depressed anytime he doesn't talk to me.

 

 

It sounds like neither R is fulfilling for you - neither individually, nor together. You still feel ignored, neglected, depressed and frustrated.

 

You say you are "not a busy person" and I think that is the route of your unhappiness and neediness. You don't have enough going on in your own life so you are relying on others (your H, your OM) to make it happen for you. Have you read up about codependency?

 

I'd suggest that your way out of this is to find something you feel passionate about - some*thing*, not some*one* because this is not about pushing the responsibility for your happiness onto someone else, it's about taking responsibility for your own life yourself.

 

You work at home - so presumably do not have a circle of work colleagues and acquaintances to draw you out and engage you in life. If you can't (or don't want to) find work outside of your home, you could take your computer to a coffee shop or the local library or somewhere a little more stimulating to work, and spend your lunch break walking around a park, a mall, a public square etc interacting with your environment and others in it. Take public transport, meet people, interact and connect - even if it's just smiling and exchanging a few words as you buy coffee or a newspaper.

 

You are prone to depression and your current way of living and working will just exacerbate that - you actively need to stretch yourself unless you're willing to cede your agency totally and allow the depression to consume your life, severing even the relationships you've thus far managed to keep going. It's not long term sustainable as things stand. Your H and your OM will both tire of being your sources of emotional energy, and will start to move away from you emotionally and without any other sources you will be left to starve. Is that what you want?

 

If you're "addicted" to the chemicals the R is providing you, hit the chocolate machine instead. The phenylethylamides in chocolate mimic the "love drugs" and while you may get fat in the short term, that can also motivate you to get out and exercise (which is also good for depression) and find energy sources beyond your computer screen. Drag your husband off the couch to join you - and if he won't, recognise that he's probably mired in his own depressive tendencies and perhaps not the best support for you right now - and find an exercise buddy, or a professional who can motivate you.

[Ophelia25]

Thanks, I guess my main dilemma is that I know I need to try to be more reasonable when he can't or won't talk to me for several days. It's silly to depend upon him for my happiness when it's not really his job to make me that way.

 

But when he DOES talk to me, even for just a few minutes, everything seems to fall in place and be okay. I can go about my day feeling confident, I don't feel sad or restless or alone. I recognize that its probably unfair to him for me to need that so desperately, and I'm not sure if what I need is him or the "drug" of him. I just know that as long as we chat regularly, I don't feel like I want to do anything extreme, like run off with him or have sex with him or destroy our marriages. But as soon as I start to miss him, all those extreme thoughts come flying in and make me angry and confused and needy and sad.

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if ending my relationship with him is the best move, and if it is, how in the world could I do it after such a long history?

[OldRover]

Thanks, I guess my main dilemma is that I know I need to try to be more reasonable when he can't or won't talk to me for several days. It's silly to depend upon him for my happiness when it's not really his job to make me that way.

 

But when he DOES talk to me, even for just a few minutes, everything seems to fall in place and be okay. I can go about my day feeling confident, I don't feel sad or restless or alone. I recognize that its probably unfair to him for me to need that so desperately, and I'm not sure if what I need is him or the "drug" of him. I just know that as long as we chat regularly, I don't feel like I want to do anything extreme, like run off with him or have sex with him or destroy our marriages. But as soon as I start to miss him, all those extreme thoughts come flying in and make me angry and confused and needy and sad.

 

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if ending my relationship with him is the best move, and if it is, how in the world could I do it after such a long history?

 

You have a few choices.... you can get romantically involved with the old BF, make is physical and do whatever you want and then face the outcome... which will probably be ugly, and involve several people with hurt and anger. But maybe that's what you want, as you're keeping this emotional relationship solidly in you mind. In that case you both would be better to divorce, and just get a clean start.

 

Or you can mentally detach from him, and that means absolutely no communication at all, no text, seeing him, emails... nothing. And you may need some counseling to get him totally out of your mind, and, yes that can be done. And at the same time you CAN create a much more romantic relationship with your husband... and there's tons of ways to do that. Probably a better choice.

[autumnnight]

But when he DOES talk to me, even for just a few minutes, everything seems to fall in place and be okay. I can go about my day feeling confident, I don't feel sad or restless or alone. I recognize that its probably unfair to him for me to need that so desperately, and I'm not sure if what I need is him or the "drug" of him. I just know that as long as we chat regularly, I don't feel like I want to do anything extreme, like run off with him or have sex with him or destroy our marriages. But as soon as I start to miss him, all those extreme thoughts come flying in and make me angry and confused and needy and sad.

 

This is almost exactly how one could describe an addiction, and these relationships often work like that.

 

Honestly, the best long term thing for YOU would be to end this long distance affair. In the beginning it will be horrible because you really have come to depend on what he gives you to keep you afloat. You'll go through withdrawal.

 

BUT, if you can make yourself get through that phase, you will be ready to move forward, whether it be really throwing yourself 110% into your marriage to see if things can change, or realizing with a clear head that you cannot continue to live in some roommate arrangement with your spouse.

 

I would advise cutting off the OM, setting up some things to keep you busy while you go through withdrawal, and working 150% on your marriage.

 

Then, in 6 months, re-evaluate.

[cozycottagelg]

I think your idea of him is probably better than what you'd get if he was your reality.

 

Put yourself in his wife's shoes. She hates you, she hates him talking to you, and yet he does it anyway, for 7 years. And it isn't unreasonable to ask your husband to stop speaking to someone who is romantically interested in them.

 

I know he probably seems like an amazing guy, but really, he is disrespectful to his wife.

 

Have you considered getting a divorce and finding someone who is interested in the same things as you. I know you said you are happy with your husband, mostly, but it sounds like you want to get out and do things, and he wants to stay home and do nothing. You need a change, but I wouldn't look to your ex for this...

[SoleMate]

I agree with cocorico....stop reaching for the easy fix (which is going to blow up in your face)...instead find more to fill your life. Make friends, join community organizations (city council, Toastmasters, volunteering at SPCA,......1 million choices here), start a garden and attend all the garden club lectures. Sierra Club, caretakers of local parks, crafts, reading to the blind, starting a new business, getting a degree. Do SOMETHING other than sit on the couch, because it's all too easy to let your thoughts wander to the ex-bf that got away. (BTW, if he wasn't dragged away by kidnappers, he did choose to go at some level, so I would suggest wrapping your head around that and drawing the inevitable conclusions.)

 

Oh, and consider working on your marriage too. You may be able to change your marriage by changing yourself.

[Ophelia25]

Just wanted to do a quick follow-up. I appreciate the advice.

 

I've talked to my husband, who is as helpful as one can be in such a situation. I don't know that he's understanding, exactly, but he does recognize that my "addiction" to this emotional affair is one that involves some chemical things, and he's being a pretty good guy about it. Of course, I feel terrible that he has to deal with me being an emotional basketcase because of some other guy, and this guilt is making me worse, but I'm glad he's there and willing to deal with me. It kind of helps that he has known me since I was 15, and was my friend throughout my initial relationship with the other guy - he is pretty aware of my feelings for him and has always known they were there. I think perhaps he married me because he loved me anyway, despite the fact that I was always hung up on the other guy.

 

So, here's where we are now. The OM (that's "other man," right?) has been pretty quiet for about a week and a half. He has said hi once or twice, and I've done my best to be cordial, but distant and not unleash my growing desperation on him. It's not fair to him that if he is trying to pull away, that I fight him. I've read so much "advice" about how no matter what, the best thing to do is leave him alone, whether I want to end it or want him back - and honestly, I don't know the answer to that. Well, I do. I don't want to end it at all. I don't want it to progress, and it's so bizarre to say I feel happy where it's at, or where it was before he stopped talking to me, but it was comfortable. We could talk and flirt, be a little sexy, remind each other that we wanted each other and that it sucked that we both wanted what we couldn't have, and it was like he was my partner in misery, the only person in the world who could understand how I felt about things. While I do want more, to be able to touch him and kiss him and stuff, I don't feel like I have to have that. I just want him there to talk to.

 

But, I understand that it's not really conducive to a successful marriage for us to have each other on the side. I know that. I'm lucky that my husband understands and loves me anyway. I know that his wife does not, and if I were her, I'm sure I'd feel the same way. So I should try to just think about her and his kids and stay away.

 

Thing is, I know he's going to talk to me again. I've been "involved" with him for seven years, and though it does get harder each time, and I think perhaps we are getting to the point where we are going to have to end it, I don't think he's quite there yet. When he talks to me, what do I do? What do I say? He will want to know if I'm okay. I'm not. I'm miserable. I cry at the drop of a hat, I'm moping around, I hurt. I'm going to the doctor Monday to bump my meds and get some therapy recommendations. I don't want him to know how screwed up I am, though. For several very disparate reasons - first, I think it might give him some sort of sick pleasure to know how hung up I am on him (he likes ego boosts); second, I want him to want me, and everything I read tells me that guys are completely turned off by needy and desperate; and third, if he really is trying to leave me for good, I don't want to upset him by crying and begging and telling him how destroyed I am, because it will make him feel bad.

 

Should I ignore him totally? Not even answer when he texts? This is what most of the advice seems to say, and I'm trying SO SO HARD to stay quiet when I just want to find out what's happening in his head and get an explanation on what happened this round to make him go away again. It it taking every ounce of my energy and focus to ignore him back. He texted me Thursday and said, "You've been quiet." I replied just "So have you." and he said "OK." Even just that exchange lifted my spirits enough to get me through the night okay. But I should ignore him, shouldn't I? Or should I tell him that if he wants to talk to me, he should actually talk, explain things?

[Poppy47]

It seems you are not having your needs met in either case. You are obviously dissatisfied.

 

I think it is because you are still holding a flame for your old boyfriend and putting your emotions into him, rather than your husband and your marriage.

 

If you cut all contact with the ex BF and concentrate on your husband.... who knows? It might be a different dynamic.

 

You are the only one who will know. If you find your marriage unfulfilling and cant work it out, then you might have to leave it. Your life is passing by and it's too short to spend in an empty marriage.

 

As for the xBF... if you are hoping he will leave, you will be sorely disappointed and waste your emotions on pixie dust.

 

Do you not have friends to go out with? There are lots of charities looking for volunteers with hours to spare.

 

There are lots of choices you could make, but they are yours.

 

Warm Wishes,

Poppy

[Starbright78]

Waiting for his bits of attention is going to make you nuts. He's your world whereas he has a world. And he gets extra adoring attention whenever he wants.

 

This is soooo true. While you wait for breadcrumbs, he goes on with life and when he wants the attention from you, he knows you will be there to give it. Since mine ended, I found new things to do that helps take my mind off of it and it helps.

[Ophelia25]

Yes, @starbright78, those lines really stood out for me as well. I feel like my entire life is just waiting for him to want to talk to me. Then, when he does, I feel elated and desired and confident, but also angry and frustrated that I have to depend on only that to make me feel okay. I know I need to try to busy myself, it's just a huge chore to want to do anything at all when I feel so depressed, and I still have to be online in the quiet from 8-3 every day, trying desperately to work and not look at my phone or cry. It drains me, and then I don't want to do anything but sleep. I'm going to work on it, though.