He says he has changed but.....

[Chloecat]

My case is very complicated. I just want to say this. Be very careful who you hook up with. My H is trying to change. He may well have BPD, but I cannot leave him. He is the Father of my children and has made every effort to be a better man.

 

 

I have found it so difficult at times, coping with the crazy, madness that - especially in the early days...was controlling, abusive, cruel.

 

 

I wept many tears. Separated from him, then got back together.

 

 

Its been a roller coaster ride.

 

 

So.....although My H will never get counselling, though I will never leave him again, I just want to warn everyone reading this.....if you have just had children with this person...who is abusive.....RUN.

 

 

Don't look back. RUN.

 

 

That's it.

 

 

I have been with my H for 25 years. He has at last started to change...and maybe, being a co-dependant, the stress of separating again would be too much for me....mentally and physically.

 

 

But, for those who are about to marry a psychologically unbalanced person - who are about to start a marriage with an abuser....think. Please think.

 

 

Because - 2 years down the road....you will want to leave - but wont because you have a mortgage together.

 

 

10 years down the road...you will want to leave - but wont because you have children together and they need their daddy. And you need his money to support all of you.

 

 

15 years down the road....you will want to leave - but wont, because you have grumpy teenagers and a demanding job and you have a holiday to look forward to and you don't want to disrupt children - teenagers lives!

 

 

25 years down the road ------you may have tried to leave, you went back...you still think about it sometimes, but you haven't the energy, you know the last time you tried to leave - it made you physically ill.

 

 

So ......if you are 2 months or 2 years in....with a controlling, abuser......GODS SAKE JUST RUN.

 

 

 

 

Run.

 

 

That's it.

 

 

I am going to write a book about my experiences.

 

 

Maybe it can help someone.

 

 

Please Help yourself.

 

 

Over and Out.

[bathtub-row]

I think everything you wrote is great, except for the part about feeling guilty. He sends you over the emotional edge over and over again, but a few little nice words and you're back-tracking. The truth is, abusers abuse all the time, even when they're not acting abusively. Do you know how that works? Because even when he's being nice, you know the shoe is going to drop at some point. You know he's going to go off the deep-end again. Abusers are smart. They know they can't abuse 100% of the time, and get you to stay. But, if they stagger the abuse, well that's another story, isn't it? It has you reeling emotionally. It keeps you ungrounded, off-balance...oh, and feeling guilty.

 

I totally understand why you stay at this stage of the game. Starting over would be tremendously difficult for you. However, I hope that you will at least maintain your mental stability throughout this and not buy into his head games.

[Chloecat]

I think everything you wrote is great, except for the part about feeling guilty. He sends you over the emotional edge over and over again, but a few little nice words and you're back-tracking. The truth is, abusers abuse all the time, even when they're not acting abusively. Do you know how that works? Because even when he's being nice, you know the shoe is going to drop at some point. You know he's going to go off the deep-end again. Abusers are smart. They know they can't abuse 100% of the time, and get you to stay. But, if they stagger the abuse, well that's another story, isn't it? It has you reeling emotionally. It keeps you ungrounded, off-balance...oh, and feeling guilty.

 

I totally understand why you stay at this stage of the game. Starting over would be tremendously difficult for you. However, I hope that you will at least maintain your mental stability throughout this and not buy into his head games.

 

 

 

Thanks for your kind words. Meant a lot.

 

 

Yes, I think it would be destructive to me to leave again. I understand him so well now. He is with me...on my terms and I don't tolerate any BS. When he starts I just walk off. Or Laugh......or tell him he is being an idiot.

 

 

He does love me...in his own way and he is trying to change. I can see that. His arguments with his Son.....well, my Son is 18 and smart...sociable...well liked. He will be fine too.

 

 

God in his Wisdom - and mercy - has given me space. Half the time he spends here....half the time with his parents.

 

 

But, if I could go back 15 years - when I COULD have left with the children - when I had the ENERGY to change....well, I would have just gone.

 

 

So, to those who are contemplating.....to the person saying...is it better to be by myself or with my partner who is abusive....you know the answer already. Of course it isn't. You may get talked in to staying....but I KNOW what the paths going to be like. I know. And I am telling you to not think too much. Don't look at his tears...don't listen to his begging and promises to change. 25 years on....he will still be trying to change...maybe....maybe he will have gotten worse. Are you willing to pick up the loaded gun and just pull the trigger...take the chance.

 

 

You are better off by yourself. You should not jump into another relationship. Just learn to be by yourself.

 

 

Before you marry, before you reproduce with someone...THINK! Is this persons genetics what I want to carry on into the next generation? Is this person someone I admire, RESPECT?

 

 

If you just PITY this person, if you don't want to be alone and like the way this person makes you feel so needed....STOP and think about that.

 

 

You need wisdom to look into someones eyes and souls and see the PERSON they are. Of course no one is perfect. But marriage is tough enough. Marry someone who is good in the core and stable mentally.

 

 

You may be just at the start of this Roller Coaster Ride. If so.....just get off.

[anika99]

Thanks for your kind words. Meant a lot.

 

 

Yes, I think it would be destructive to me to leave again. I understand him so well now. He is with me...on my terms and I don't tolerate any BS. When he starts I just walk off. Or Laugh......or tell him he is being an idiot.

 

 

He does love me...in his own way and he is trying to change. I can see that. His arguments with his Son.....well, my Son is 18 and smart...sociable...well liked. He will be fine too.

 

 

God in his Wisdom - and mercy - has given me space. Half the time he spends here....half the time with his parents.

 

 

But, if I could go back 15 years - when I COULD have left with the children - when I had the ENERGY to change....well, I would have just gone.

 

 

So, to those who are contemplating.....to the person saying...is it better to be by myself or with my partner who is abusive....you know the answer already. Of course it isn't. You may get talked in to staying....but I KNOW what the paths going to be like. I know. And I am telling you to not think too much. Don't look at his tears...don't listen to his begging and promises to change. 25 years on....he will still be trying to change...maybe....maybe he will have gotten worse. Are you willing to pick up the loaded gun and just pull the trigger...take the chance.

 

 

You are better off by yourself. You should not jump into another relationship. Just learn to be by yourself.

 

 

Before you marry, before you reproduce with someone...THINK! Is this persons genetics what I want to carry on into the next generation? Is this person someone I admire, RESPECT?

 

 

If you just PITY this person, if you don't want to be alone and like the way this person makes you feel so needed....STOP and think about that.

 

 

You need wisdom to look into someones eyes and souls and see the PERSON they are. Of course no one is perfect. But marriage is tough enough. Marry someone who is good in the core and stable mentally.

 

 

You may be just at the start of this Roller Coaster Ride. If so.....just get off.

 

Why are you handing out all of this advice that you yourself don't live by? You lead by example. You are showing your children by your actions (or inaction) that accepting abhorrent behavior is okay. Don't be surprised when they end up in miserable unhappy relationships.

 

 

I don't think your husband is changing or trying to change. I think he is getting older and running out of steam. This is common for people with BPD when they get to be middle aged. They just don't have the energy or the stamina to rage for hours or even days anymore. Doesn't mean they're not still a complete freaking nightmare to put up with. They may not have the energy for their total meltdowns anymore but often they will adopt new strategies. More pouting, more passive aggressive behavior, being more needy, etc.

[Chloecat]

Why are you handing out all of this advice that you yourself don't live by? You lead by example. You are showing your children by your actions (or inaction) that accepting abhorrent behavior is okay. Don't be surprised when they end up in miserable unhappy relationships.

 

 

I don't think your husband is changing or trying to change. I think he is getting older and running out of steam. This is common for people with BPD when they get to be middle aged. They just don't have the energy or the stamina to rage for hours or even days anymore. Doesn't mean they're not still a complete freaking nightmare to put up with. They may not have the energy for their total meltdowns anymore but often they will adopt new strategies. More pouting, more passive aggressive behavior, being more needy, etc.

 

 

I understand what you are saying...but the last time I left him....I ended up physically ill. I just don't have the energy to do it. I have lived with him so long.

 

 

My children are ok.

[Chloecat]

OK something has happened that has made me rethink things.

 

 

My daughter was admitted to hospital, with palpitations. She is home now.....but while she was in.....she had high blood pressure and fast pulse and just could not remove the sense of panic and anxiety.

 

 

I asked her what was worrying her....there were a few things - her job, where we live......

 

 

Her dad came in to visit and held her hand. She was looking sideways at me. I think she has forgiven her dad.....a bit....(her words) but on the way home when we were talking about her having counselling and I mentioned her dad.....I said "your dad has changed, course if he ever behaved like he used to...." "you would smack his hand" she said...."No" I said...."I would tell him that's it....OVER" She looked at me and said "For one month..."

 

 

So....made me think....all the anxiety and the palpitations....is her dad still an issue. They do seem to be getting on now...but can I truly trust him.

 

 

And my son asked me to come and get him 10 days ago from his grandparents house.....because his dad was being a controlling Ass. And because his dad had squared up to him.

 

 

So.....has he truly changed enough? If behind my back he is squaring up to his son, winding him up....and his daughter is acting as though she doesn't want him around....even though she said a couple of days ago...."I love you dad"

 

 

So confusing.

 

 

I am just not sure if I can risk my daughters well being!

 

 

And what will the effect on my son be either?

 

 

H doesn't want his daughter to have counselling......is that because all the past (including him) will come up?

 

 

On the positive side....H kissed D head as he left hospital and reassured her.....he brought things up for her - books, etc - he left work to get to the hospital ASAP.

 

 

But seeing my d in the hospital....with the panic and anxiety on her face...I just have to protect her and although H seems genuine....some of the things that have happened lately have made me question things.

[Downtown]

Is her dad still an issue? They do seem to be getting on now...but can I truly trust him.

No, Chloe, not if you decide he has been exhibiting strong BPD warning signs (i.e., symptoms) throughout your marriage. If he is a BPDer, he is too immature to trust you or anyone else for a sustained period. It took me 15 years to learn that, when a loved one is unable to trust YOU, you can never trust HIM because he can turn on you with a vengeance at any time.

[bathtub-row]

I think you're in serious denial to keep thinking that change is a possibility for this person. If you choose to stay with him, fine. But please don't kid yourself about the type of person you're dealing with.

 

Also, I think what your daughter was actually saying to you is that you chose the unstable dad over their well-being. Her comment basically said that she knows that even if you leave, it won't last.

 

Just hope and pray that your husband has not sexually abused your daughter. But if I had a child who ended up in the hospital with high anxiety, who acted cagey around her dad, and made a comment like she made to you - I'd be asking some really hard questions. In your mind, this would be an extreme improbability but that mind-set is what makes something like that possible. You should at least ask your daughter what is really going on. People don't go into the hospital every day for anxiety. Something serious is going on and, if I were you, I'd get to the bottom of it.

[Chloecat]

I have asked D what she worries about.....she said she hates where we are living, she worries about the house, she misses her grandparents, she worries about her work - there was a issue at work the other week - she worries about my health. She is a bit of a worrier.

 

 

H has been good with her. Reassuring her. I went for walk with H yesterday evening.....he said he WAS an idiot....that the things he used to say to his D -negative things and emotionally abusive - WERE the past.

 

 

He did get annoyed that I brought it up. That I said....."you need to be positive with D....no negativity...."

 

 

D is going to the Dr shortly, I will go with her. Going to try and get some counselling sorted out for her. I am so worried about her.

 

 

H is fine at the moment. And I cant start anything with him - it would upset D even more and at the moment I need to keep things calm for her.

 

 

Son is back with his grandparents and going to college. But, the issue he had with his dad - when hid dad squared up to him and wound him up and my son ringing and asking me to pick him up DOES play on my mind.

 

 

Right now, need to keep things calm for D sake.

 

 

But in the long term - I think it may well be Me and my D living together and her Dad being completely away from us. He hasn't Sexually abused her NO. It was verbal and emotional and her watching a bad marriage between her mum and dad.

 

 

I need to avoid any knee jerk reactions, keep the house calm, keep D Calm. but long term.......going to possibly HAVE to lose the Big baby....i.e. DAD.

 

 

What choice have I got?

[elaine567]

Your daughter -

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

 

When people have been trapped in a situation over which they had little or no control at the beginning, middle or end, they can carry an intense sense of dread even after that situation is removed. This is because they know how bad things can possibly be. And they know that it could possibly happen again. And they know that if it ever does happen again, it might be worse than before. https://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/CPTSD.html

[Chloecat]

Your daughter -

 

 

 

Thanks for that. I read it, very useful.

 

 

Daughter saw Dr - going to refer her to Counselling. Also, on some meds for depression, but will also help with anxiety

 

 

D said a lot of things had been building up for a while.

 

 

H has been helpful and hugging his Daughter. Not sure if he feels responsible in any way....a close friend who knows the situation asked me straight out did I love my H...I said No.

 

 

He has changed...for the better...but the damage has been done. To our D and to our marriage.

 

 

Cannot see a way back, though I keep trying....but, as I said...can I truly trust him? After what happened with his S when I wasn't around.....I have those doubts back again.

 

 

My close friend was here this afternoon....D sleeping up stairs.....H came downstairs and just hung around. He looked and sounded stressed. He must suspect that the conversation may be about him.

 

 

Trying to just keep things calm for D......kicking out H right now...may exacerbate D anxiety.....I don't want that....and he isn't here all the time...as he works away half the week.

 

 

Just need to do whats best for D. And Son. H may well kill himself if we split up....how would I deal with that? but my close friend says....Do whats best for you and your D.

[Chloecat]

I have been looking at some of the articles put up here on Loveshack. Psch central especially. My husband - is not narcissitic - in that he does not LOVE himself....he does not BOAST about his accomplishments BUT - he does have the RAGE and he did use the Cycle of abuse.....becoming the victim.

 

 

But, also, he does have some of the characteristics of a BPD.

 

 

Maybe, he is just an insecure man, who acts out, is trying to be good - but uses a narcissitic 'trick' to subjugate people, including his wife and children?

 

 

Its all very unclear.

 

 

I think that my husband has a mix of the two? Is that possible?

[elaine567]

I do not think it really matters what his exact diagnosis is, he is an abuser and as such has impacted you and your children's lives.

Putting a label on him will not help them or you one little bit. YOU need to deal with the here and now, and do whatever you can do to avoid more damage being done.

As long as he is around, none of you can relax, as you do not know when he is going to kick off next.

YOU have all walked on eggshells for years. and with your daughter it is all coming home to roost. Even your son, the golden boy, is feeling the heat.

YOU have sat in the middle and enabled him to ruin all your lives and you are still doing it, under the pretence of "saving your daughter any distress" now.

Remove yourself from under the "codependent", "it is not my fault" umbrella and seek professional coordinated help for every last one of you. This problem goes way beyond a bit of reading on the internet.

[Downtown]

My husband - is not narcissitic - in that he does not LOVE himself....he does not BOAST about his accomplishments BUT - he does have the RAGE and he did use the Cycle of abuse.

Chloe, "rage" is not a defining characteristic for NPD (narcissism). NONE of the 9 defining traits for NPD mentions rage or anger. In contrast, 3 of the 9 defining traits for BPD mention the terms rage or anger. Because BPDers are unable to regulate their emotions and are unstable, they frequently will display anger or rage.

 

But, also, he does have some of the characteristics of a BPD.

As I mentioned in my first post above, rage and physical abuse (such as the slapping and hitting you experienced) is strongly associated with strong BPD traits.

 

I think that my husband has a mix of the two? Is that possible?

It is not only possible to have both BPD and NPD but, among BPDers, it is common. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 47% of the male BPDers (and 32% of the female BPDers) also had NPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Most people found to have a full-blown PD were found to also have one or two other PDs as well.

[Chloecat]

Ok Thanks - both of you. Yes, he probably does have mixture of the two.

 

 

I took dog for walk....just thinking, daughter happier - doing a major clear out in her room and rearranging the furniture.

 

 

I thought back over all the years - the times I forgave him, because he was utterly repentant and promised to change.

 

 

The times I gave in, wanting to believe he had changed.

 

 

This time, yes there were improvements. I came back from walking the dog to find H had cut the grass and been working on house. He is quiet, he knows that I blame him for our daughters panic and palpitations (though I also blame myself too).

 

 

He is now - I feel - going all out to prove what a marvellous man he is....cutting the grass, making his D a cup of tea, hugging her, telling her how lovely she is. etc. etc. BUT I cant trust him! Not after his Son (who is definitely feeling the heat now) rang and asked me to pick him up.

 

 

So what do I do now? Do I just tell him this weekend, when he goes off to work to GO and that I am going for a divorce? Or would that upset D more?

 

 

Should I wait a few weeks - until D is more settled then tell H its over?

 

 

As I was walking the dog - I thought how my H is like the naughtiest Big child in the family.. Bullying the younger ones. And he loves me as the Mamma and would be lost without me. And how THAT 'thing' makes me feel guilty at abandoning??? Its so weird. And I know, I have to for my D sake - sort this out once and for all.

 

 

If H goes off - he will live with his parents - my S will then have to put up with his dad....crying, being upset and needy. etc.

[Chloecat]

Had a chat in the garden (away from D listening) with H

 

 

Told him what D had said to Dr - about feeling down, for a long, long time. That D had told the Dr she had self loathing.

 

 

H got tearful. Said "But I love.............."

 

 

I said, look - I know depression can be caused by genetics and also by traumatic births (which D had), but we must bear the responsibility, for allowing D to be so worried and anxious, I told him we had to be encouraging and supportive and must not share ANY worries with D.

 

 

I told him, I would be going to counselling also. That maybe he should go to. That I didn't know what our future was gong to be, that I felt angry towards him for the way he had emotionally and verbally been abusive towards D and me.

 

 

I told him I had forgiven him, but it was just always there and that I was very very upset about D and seeing her so anxious in hospital.

 

 

H just listened. Afterwards, he went up to D bedroom, put his arms around her and told her how much he loved her.

 

 

"What have you said to him?" asked D

 

 

"Oh we were just talking about things...you doing up your room."

 

 

H seems to contrite. But is he playing the victim? Why cant I ever be certain?

[Downtown]

H seems to contrite.... Why cant I ever be certain?

To the extent your H has strong BPD traits, he likely is sincerely contrite. Even when a BPDer is projecting all of his failings and bad thoughts onto you, he typically is sincerely convinced those things originate from you -- because the projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level. Moreover, a BPDer can get "moments of clarity" -- lasting perhaps a day or two -- in which he truly sees the damage he has caused.

 

Yet, because BPDers are unstable, they can be absolutely convinced of one thing today and then flip to believing the exact opposite a week later. This is why their rare periods of self awareness are called "MOMENTS of clarity." With my BPDer exW, for example, those moments occurred perhaps 5 or 6 times in 15 years. For BPDers, the perception of "reality" is determined by whatever intense feeling they are experiencing at this very moment in time.

 

To the extent you are observing strong NPD traits, however, you H likely is manipulating you and does not sincerely believe what he is saying. The reason I've not discussed NPD at any length is that, in my opinion, the behaviors you describe sound like they are far closer to BPD than NPD. For example, you have described him crying -- on several occasions -- when he realized he may have contributed to your D's depression issue.

 

But is he playing the victim?

If he has strong BPD traits, the closest thing to a stable self image that he has is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." If he is strongly narcissistic, however, his false self image would be that of being "Mr. Perfect." This is why BPDers seek frequent validation of being "The Victim" and narcissists sorely need frequent validation of being perfect. Edited September 4, 2015 by Downtown

[Chloecat]

Yes, he does have these moments of clarity. Like he SEES the effect of the abuse and is SO sorry!

 

 

I am sitting in bed, typing this. H is next door - sleeping in spare bed. He is upset with me. I feel guilty!! Guilty for upsetting him. For telling him in the garden that I didn't know what our future holds. He looks so sad walking around and I (because he tells me I am his world), have hurt him and I feel guilty for hurting him.

 

 

I want to rush in and say Sorry.

 

 

I wonder why I said those things.

 

 

I wonder did I mean them???

 

 

To live without him. To live apart. The confusion runs deep. One minute I am angry with him, he has abused D he has abused me.....he has tried to be good and in many ways he has vastly improved. I feel guilty for not trusting him enough. But then I remember........my sons texts....10 days ago.....telling me his dad was a controlling bastard....asking me to pick him up.

 

 

I think about my H critiscing my father (even though he has always defended my H) calling my dad evil and saying how much he hates him.

 

 

My H has truly tried to change. I know that. I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL!!!

 

 

Why do I feel guilty for smacking him around the head with past failures?

 

 

Its just seeing our D lying in that hospital bed, connected to a cardiac monitor with anxiety all over her face really did shake me up. And although I have forgiven my H - it is always THERE.

[Downtown]

I feel guilty!! Guilty for upsetting him. For telling him in the garden that I didn't know what our future holds. He looks so sad walking around and I (because he tells me I am his world), have hurt him and I feel guilty for hurting him.

For caregivers like you and me, Chloe, walking away from a BPDer spouse is EXTREMELY difficult to do. Because we are so empathetic, and because the BPDer has the emotional development of a four year old, we see so clearly that we are walking away from a sick young child. That is, we are able to see the little child in this person so very clearly. Moreover, to us "fixers," the notion of abandoning a sick loved one is anathema to our way of thinking, to our religious beliefs, and -- indeed -- to every fiber of our being.

 

In the 15 years spent living with my BPDer exW, I never was able to do it. Instead, what happened was that she abandoned me by having me arrested on a bogus charge and -- while I was in jail -- she obtained a restraining order barring me from returning to my own home (for the 18 months it takes to get a divorce in this State).

 

I don't really know but I would like to believe that, had I known she was a BPDer at that time, I would have had the strength and wisdom to walk away. Yes, that's what I like to believe. In retrospect, I now consider my being thrown into jail one of the best things to ever happen to me. It set me free.

[Chloecat]

Wow! She had you put in jail? But then it was a kind of freedom for you.

 

 

You understand how I feel. Its good to talk to someone who really, truly understands.

 

 

H couldn't sleep last night....he was upset, worried. I ended up comforting him and comforting D too

 

 

There is no way out of this.

 

 

I know it would destroy me too....if I were to walk away.....last time I separated from him, I couldn't sleep for days and became physically ill.

 

 

I am 50 and I don't have the strength.

 

 

Just have to look after D. Get her counselling and protect her....and H knows he cannot be anything but encouraging to her.

 

 

what else can I do???

[Downtown]

There is no way out of this.

Not true. You always have options. You are the one in control of your own life.

 

I know it would destroy me too....if I were to walk away.....last time I separated from him, I couldn't sleep for days and became physically ill. I am 50 and I don't have the strength.

I find that very difficult to believe, Chloe. Any woman who has been married to a BPDer H for 22 years -- as you say -- almost certainly is a strong caregiver who, seeing the childishness in him, has been taking care of him and looking out for him throughout that lengthy period. At issue, then, is not whether you have the strength but, rather, whether you are willing to give up on a 22-year project and start another. For us excessive caregivers, the notion of starting over -- after having invested 22 years in a loved one -- can seem absolutely overwhelming. The issue, then, is not "strength" but, rather, sense of purpose in life. Edited September 5, 2015 by Downtown

[Chloecat]

I have decided that I am going to go for counselling.

 

 

My D has been referred for counselling and is on anti-depressants. Let her have her counselling, I will have mine....pray about it all.

 

 

S is at College, doing well - no need to upset him. As long as H isn't nasty to D - which he knows he cannot...and he has been fine and supportive to her anyway, good behaviour for past 22 months....then I will keep on this track.

 

 

But, once this house has sold, probably next spring.....then I may well - depending on how well D is doing and how things go in counselling - live by myself. Just me and maybe my D and my cat.....

 

 

The thought of another relationship......NO WAY!!

 

 

Just would want to live alone or with D.

 

 

But H has been helpful, supportive, kind....so if he keeps it up - maybe counselling for him too.....then we can continue???

 

 

H is like my eldest child. He really depends on me. There is a girl that he went out with in school.....when I was talking to him in the garden yesterday - I actually said "maybe you could go off with Julie...your old girlfriend, she is divorced now".

 

 

Lol

[Chloecat]

My sense of purpose is.....I don't know.....to be there for my D and S and make sure they are ok.

 

 

My life is practically over. I am 50.

 

 

I just want to make sure D and S are ok.

 

 

I don't want any other project or purpose.

 

 

I have screwed up MAJOR!!!!! SCREWED UP!!! My weakness Downton was my SOFTNESS. How I wish I was more RUTHLESS. I am too soft and that is my undoing.

 

 

I have failed my D in many ways. I tired to protect her - we had fun times together, but H when he was in his black moods was so mean.

 

 

A bad father, a stupid father can wreck a child's confidence.

 

 

I truly tried to protect D, I would stand up to H at every turn, if he dared say a word against his own D. I would fight like a tiger for her...but I should have just walked away from the big child.....Dad.

 

 

I lament now....because the damage is done. Too late...too late...too late.

 

 

All I can do and all my purpose for the rest of my life is......to protect D and help her to find the sunlight again. To protect and encourage S and help him to walk strong as a good man of Character, truth, LOVE

 

 

As for H, he will continue to tell me that I am his world. He will continue to say he has changed and hopefully prove it. I will repair the damage he has done....with every ounce of strength remaining in me.. He will sit and be a good boy. He will live up to his promises to be good and kind and NO NEGATIVITY.

 

 

I will have counselling to help me make sense of a God awful mess.

[Downtown]

My life is practically over. I am 50.

No, Chloe, most likely you are only a little more than half-way through your lifetime. What you are experiencing is the greatly accelerated perception of time that occurs with age. By mid-life, time seems to speed up greatly. By the time you're my age, you'll be thinking of next year's vacation in the same way you once perceived of a next-week event.

 

A bad father, a stupid father can wreck a child's confidence.

Perhaps this did occur. But before jumping to the conclusion that you failed to protect your D, discuss this issue with your psychologist. I believe it is significant that your S is standing tall and strong and has apparently escaped damage. Moreover, if your H really does suffer from strong traits of BPD, there is a chance he unknowingly passed a genetic predisposition to emotional sensitivity onto your D -- a predisposition that might take the form of GAD, depression, BPD, bipolar, or a number of other disorders.

 

If so, those disorders typically start showing themselves in the teens or mid-twenties -- even when your efforts to protect the child from your H's behavior is successful. Hence, this is NOT the time to be throwing yourself on the sword. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt -- at least until you have time to learn more from a professional who can see the situation more clearly.

[Chloecat]

Thanks for your encouragement!

 

 

I did think about my husbands family - my H grandma had bad depression.

 

 

I will wait to see what Psychologist says, you are right....I must not panic.

 

 

H has gone off to work now and I wont see him for a few days. Over to his parents and our Son!

 

 

He is very quiet at the moment. When he left the house he hugged D but stayed away from me. He later sent me a text saying......he is licking his wounds. He said..... Karma bit him in the bum and it is his fault. He know he is blessed - though he didn't always realise. He is admitting his part, which is good.