Need Some Direction

[DJOkawari]

Hey all,

 

My Ex broke up with me 10 months ago. It's a little unfair to put it entirely on her because I could've saved it in some regard but I also thought it was a good time to part. We both regretted it and tried to get back together (on her impetus) twice since. Both attempts ended in failure (she broke it off each time), because we were both not over the break up and the reasons for the break up (I was sad and angry...she had her issues).

 

Just reached 5 months NC. I get a message from her. This is the gist of the message:

 

Hey I heard you were going to be at <event> where <life threatening event> occurred. Hopefully you are safe.

 

So, basically <life threatening event> wasn't really life threatening for anyone. Zero people were harmed (and this is widely reported in the news) though they possibly could've been. Plus I'm not actually at said event regardless.

 

Further, she's done this before regarding a different possibly life threatening event, where 1 person was injured and again there was almost no chance of me being there. The reported person was obviously not me and everyone else was okay...it was something that occurred at a train stop that is on the same line as the one I use but well beyond any stop I would use (she knows the stop I would use because we lived off the same stop...so essentially an excuse to talk).

 

After this first time, I responded as normal - saying I was okay - and she asked me to coffee about a week later and asked to reconcile, so I feel this time is similar. I haven't responded this time. Remember it is after 5 months NC.

 

~

 

Now my story:

 

I've gone through a lot of changes since the break up. Largely it all fell apart because I didn't appreciate her enough combined with a hard time in my life and a hard time in her life. I didn't really understand how I felt about romance. Further, my life was in shambles at the time of the break up.

 

Cliffnotes: I was close to getting fired, had a drug problem, family issues, my best friend was suicidal, I gained weight (which impacts my job), I was losing my alternate source of income, was largely depressed (went to therapy), etc. Just tons more things. Everything is under control and fantastic now. Plus, I haven't just recovered to my previous state, I've matured beyond it and everything in my life is much better than before. I really understand what I'm looking for in life and relationships. I've overcome some irrational fears of mine. Kicked that drug habit. Gotten two promotions at work. Lost the weight - I'm in my best condition. Even more good things as well. Everything is great and I've stabilized in a great new life.

 

Except for one thing: I've been dating since. I've seen maybe 15 or so girls in this time and I have been attracted to all of them and I've fun with all of them at different levels, but I haven't found a lasting connection with any and often my mind drifted to my ex at these times.

 

In a lot of ways I've grown more similar to her over time and I've appreciated what we had more and more. I am posting to say: I would like to give it another shot with her.

 

I'd just like some general advice on the situation. Maybe an answer to:

 

What should I say back?

What should I do?

 

It's the first time in a long time I've felt giddy like this. One side issue: I am travelling starting later this week (only for two weeks).

 

Thanks for reading I can answer any questions.

[yxalitis]

She is already reaching out to you...she is following classic "text your ex back" processes...

 

If you want to try...go for a coffee with her...see what happens.

[DJOkawari]

Well this time around she hasn't asked me for coffee or anything yet. I'm not even sure why she messaged me at this point actually...

 

I responded with a straightforward answer, essentially: I'm fine. I'm actually going to <weeklong event next week> so I couldn't go to the <event that was dangerous>.

 

She knew I was going to that event anyway but maybe she was unclear on the date or maybe it was just redundant like the previous portion of this conversation.

 

 

She said: "That's good to hear. I hope you have fun at <weeklong event>"

 

 

So in the end, that's that?

 

Most people say if your Ex has left you (and last time she left she said she "didn't have feelings for me any more"), they've got to make a serious effort for anything to happen. I'm not the same lovesick puppy I was months ago, so I have the self-esteem to not crumble under a little contact. Most people here say to ignore this breadcrumb stuff.

 

Further, she isn't shy - initially when we met, we swapped numbers and I didn't text her for two days and so on the second day she texted me: "Are you going to ask me out or not?" and we went to dinner the next day.

 

Or am I seeing this wrong?

[DJOkawari]

Just a little bump:

 

I guess she was just bored. We talked a bit further but she replied to me with a conversation ending statement. I could ask her about her life, her trip, etc. and maybe she's waiting on me to do that. I don't know. The main things I do know:

 

~ I really didn't think I would feel this way about her messaging me after 5 months. I'm sad that I do.

 

~ I think she's just bored.

 

~ She has moved to about 5 hours away, so it isn't really possible for anything to happen relationship-wise. I'm not interesting in an LTR.

 

 

Regardless of all of those things, I wish I could say some things and we could connect again and just try to figure this all out. I guess I should go back to NC?

 

Clearly I overreacted here. Mostly it was because I always expected her to contact me right now (she has been travelling for the past few months) and I expected that conversation to be about getting back together. I was right on only half of that I guess

 

My big question is:

 

If she contacted me with a superfluous question, should I show some interest in her too, do you think that's what she is waiting for? Or should I just leave it...with the idea that she needs to put in a lot more effort?

 

As you can see my thoughts are just bouncing around in my head, just looking for a little advice.

[OldRover]

Just a little bump:

 

I guess she was just bored. We talked a bit further but she replied to me with a conversation ending statement. I could ask her about her life, her trip, etc. and maybe she's waiting on me to do that. I don't know. The main things I do know:

 

~ I really didn't think I would feel this way about her messaging me after 5 months. I'm sad that I do.

 

~ I think she's just bored.

 

~ She has moved to about 5 hours away, so it isn't really possible for anything to happen relationship-wise. I'm not interesting in an LTR.

 

 

Regardless of all of those things, I wish I could say some things and we could connect again and just try to figure this all out. I guess I should go back to NC?

 

Clearly I overreacted here. Mostly it was because I always expected her to contact me right now (she has been travelling for the past few months) and I expected that conversation to be about getting back together. I was right on only half of that I guess

 

My big question is:

 

If she contacted me with a superfluous question, should I show some interest in her too, do you think that's what she is waiting for? Or should I just leave it...with the idea that she needs to put in a lot more effort?

 

As you can see my thoughts are just bouncing around in my head, just looking for a little advice.

 

Do you still care for her? If so, then absolutely I would show some interest.... let her see the "new" you and the changes you've made. From what you say, she may have stayed with you if you hadn't had your problems, and now that you've solved them, she may want to get back with you.

 

The distance will be an issue, but is there a chance (if this goes right) that one of you could move to be close to the other?

[Oregon_Dude]

No way. LDR's suck. Continue to bang the 15 girls.