Dating a woman who has slept around....

[Lady2163]

Calm down dude, I did a bit of that in my younger days, but I really don't do that anymore. Like I said most gals have been with guys, but haven't screwed a football team. Most promiscuous girls have other problems, depression, low self-esteem etc. But sorry what you're saying is the same rhetoric I keep reading online that just doesn't match up with reality. I've never had a girl put me in the casual sex box. Every girl who gave it up, did so to get me to like her more. I know I've broken some hearts and I've seen girls hurt from guys. Most women are way too emotional for casual sex. We have a FWB section and everyday some heart broken girl makes a thread.

 

Now we have sweet innocent, conservative old lady, who plays off every clue, but secrectly used to frequent swinger parties and no one know where she went every weekend. Yeah I'll take that with a grain of salt.

 

I'm hardly innocent. I think it was about 15 years ago that a friend had a wild party and invited me. So 15 years equals 780 weekends. I'm thinking I've been to around 200 swinger events. Many were private house parties with the same group of 30 or so people. But yes, I don't have a whole lot of people keeping tabs on me. I'm of the economic means where I can say I was in Vegas or Denver or any other city for the weekend with an Army buddy. Most of my friends are busy with spouses, kids (or grandkids) and their hobbies. Many don't have Facebook, let alone update it on a weekly basis. During the summer we seem to have a lot of potluck gatherings on Sundays. Nobody is asking what i did Friday or Saturday night.

 

As a single man, if you moved into my neighborhood I wouldn't have much to do with you. I'd smile and wave if I saw you in your yard. But I don't ***** where I sleep.

 

I don't say the word swinger or orgy when I'm dating someone. It's been a very long time since I had anyone pressure me for a number or gory details. I think I said something to the effect of: "When I was in the military it was 90% male and 10% female. I call those my smorgasbord years."

 

If a man wants to look at me in contempt for things I did X number of years ago, he's probably not long term material, anyway.

[Imported]

Face palm! Do you not see how the maths here does not add up at all ? Who are all these girls who get sex when ever they want actually banging ? Why are the guys numbers low and the girls high ? Normally its stated the other way around but either way it makes absolutely no sense ..... because you need 2 to tango. 1+1=2 The numbers are even on both sides.

 

Look at the percentage of guys who have decent numbers of sexual partners. I don't think 10 is that high but lets just say plus 10. Do you not realise there must be basically the exact same number of girls out there with similar numbers for that to happen. Unless of course all the men in the entire world are having casual sex with this tiny percentage of slutty women. They must be very very busy girls. All the rest are angels of course

 

 

 

You misunderstood what "10" was used for. Also people are not math. Or maybe it's more complex than 1+1=2

 

 

There's a lot of guys with low numbers

There's a lot of girls with high numbers

There's some guys with really high numbers

There's some girls with low number.

 

 

Something like that.

[mr_dave]

If a man wants to look at me in contempt for things I did X number of years ago, he's probably not long term material, anyway.

 

Probably not. But at the same time, someone who has such a casual approach to sex, and who only recently is happy to be an OW, wouldn't be long term material for a fair chunk of guys either.

[katiegrl]

 

There is nothing wrong with someone preferring to date a person who hasn't slept with many/any other partners.

 

The lack of emotional intelligence that drives them to name-call, make generalizations about people's moral's, get snarky and toss out the low blows - THAT is really the problem.

 

Stop being an ass, and you won't make women mad.

 

Not rocket science, people.

 

^^This x 100!

 

THAT is where the shaming falls into play. The derogatory name calling ....NOT that he prefers a woman with low numbers.

 

Same would be said for a woman who does wish to date short men. Her preference for taller men is not "short man shaming," however if she were to assign derogatory adjectives to describe his shortness, THAT would be shaming.

 

Huge difference, and autumn is right, it's not rocket science.

[Imported]

^^This x 100!

 

THAT is where the shaming falls into play. The derogatory name calling ....NOT that he prefers a woman with low numbers.

 

Same would be said for a woman who does wish to date short men. Her preference for taller men is not "short man shaming," however if she were to assign derogatory adjectives to describe his shortness, THAT would be shaming.

 

Huge difference, and autumn is right, it's not rocket science.

 

 

The actual huge difference is you know a guy is short when you see him and you don't waste time with him if you know that is not for you.

 

 

Not the same at all with what you're trying to compare that to.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Probably not. But at the same time, someone who has such a casual approach to sex, and who only recently is happy to be an OW, wouldn't be long term material for a fair chunk of guys either.

 

If it's something you did years ago, then that's one thing. If it's recent, that's another.

[katiegrl]

The actual huge difference is you know a guy is short when you see him and you don't waste time with him if you know that is not for you.

 

 

Not the same at all with what you're trying to compare that to.

 

enigma made the comparison earlier, so my opinion about that was mostly is response to him.

 

That said, I disagree with you, I think it is the same thing. As the OP stated he pretty much knows immediately which women have slept around and those who have not.

 

So, just don't pursue her then dude!

 

No need to name call....as he had been doing.

 

Again, THAT is the shaming part, not that he does not wish to date such woman.

[autumnnight]

The actual huge difference is you know a guy is short when you see him and you don't waste time with him if you know that is not for you.

 

 

Not the same at all with what you're trying to compare that to.

 

Missing the point again. It is not the items/characteristics she was comparing, but the emotional intelligence with which each of them is expressed.

 

If I say, "as a tall woman, I would feel uncomfortable dating a shorter men," that is a preference. If I said, "Ya'll can date those pathetic shorites if you want, but I don't want to be seen with some wimpy mini-dude." THAT is me being an emotionally unintelligent, obnoxious ass.

 

Saying, "I prefer to date a woman who hasn't been with a lot of other men" is a preference. Saying, "I don't wanna date used goods like all you ho's" is being an emotionally unintelligent, tactless, pathetic ass.

 

See how that works?

[katiegrl]

Missing the point again. It is not the items/characteristics she was comparing, but the emotional intelligence with which each of them is expressed.

 

If I say, "as a tall woman, I would feel uncomfortable dating a shorter men," that is a preference. If I said, "Ya'll can date those pathetic shorites if you want, but I don't want to be seen with some wimpy mini-dude." THAT is me being an emotionally unintelligent, obnoxious ass.

 

Saying, "I prefer to date a woman who hasn't been with a lot of other men" is a preference. Saying, "I don't wanna date used goods like all you ho's" is being an emotionally unintelligent, tactless, pathetic ass.

 

See how that works?

 

Well said!

[jen1447]

^^This x 100!

 

THAT is where the shaming falls into play. The derogatory name calling ....NOT that he prefers a woman with low numbers.

 

Same would be said for a woman who does wish to date short men. Her preference for taller men is not "short man shaming," however if she were to assign derogatory adjectives to describe his shortness, THAT would be shaming.

 

Huge difference, and autumn is right, it's not rocket science.

And yet we have some here who seem to willfully disregard this basic fact, which shouts 'agenda' or 'insecurity' to me. Allowing for what autumn said wouldn't be a big deal if you weren't grinding an ax of some sort.

 

 

Winding this back to where it took its most recent turn with enigma ....

 

I know a lot of women don't like to accept it, but many men really don't want to be with a woman who has slept around. I'm one of those guys. I admit, I have plenty pf experience with women, but I still prefer a woman that doesn't sleep around. I am aware it is a double standard. Just like women should be aware that expecting men to continue to pay for dates is a double standard even though women work and earn money just as well as we do.

 

I'm not sure who does the most shaming these days, the guys shaming women for sleeping around, or the women who shame men for not wanting to be with a woman that sleeps around.

 

Some ppl have made this case eloquently already but I'll reiterate as regards above. Your preferences in the first paragraph are completely fair and I doubt most women have issues with it. You didn't malign anyone who was outside your preferred group or make any broad value judgments or needlessly use pejoratives to describe them. (The only ancillary question I have is what is the definition of 'sleeping around' - a specific number, where if you're 1 under you don't sleep around but if you're 1 over you do? Who determines the number? It's obvs a subjective value so it would seem to have little meaning in an objective discussion about sexual habits.)

 

Second paragraph - I'm not really seeing much disdain from women for guys who hold the personal value of not wanting to be in a relationship with women with a higher number of partners. The disdain comes from the implied double standard for numbers of partners between sexes (many guys even in this thread have betrayed it), and the use of pejoratives to describe women with higher numbers of partners, which betrays either a fear or misunderstanding of them, not the feigned indifference they're trying to sell. No one who's utterly ambivalent about it would need to describe anyone as a slut and any of the numerous other terms used just in this thread alone to marginalize the dignity of someone whose dignity isn't automatically marginal based on their sexual behavior.

[Imported]

I don't really care how that works, but I must say you girls are really banding together to support each other. However most guys will still judge you just the same.

 

 

 

 

Honestly, I'm not going to commit to any girl. Seems like an assured path to heartache. I'm retiring young and going to have fun till I'm too old to attract girls with my ridiculously good looks. Movers are coming to get my stuff in an hour or so and then I'm going to Vegas for a month or two. After that I'm gonna spend a year or three living in a few different "third world" countries. **** The American Dream.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Imported
**** The American Dream

[Maleficent]

I don't really care how that works, but I must say you girls are really banding together to support each other. However most guys will still judge you just the same.

.

 

Well considering we (the women banding together) agree on the matter, why wouldn't we?

 

It's not like some of the men on here aren't banding tofether to defend their 'right' to be douchebags about women's number of sexual partners.

[Woggle]

For the most part I don't care about numbers but the OP has every right to his own standards while dating. It is his life and if he doesn't count a woman with a high number as his gf he is not wrong for doing so. No woman should ever be persecuted or bullied or whatever for her sex life but a lot of women will decide she is not the one he wants a relationship with he is not wrong for that.

 

Women have plenty of dealbreakers and when men complain about it they are told to man up and deal with it so woman up and deal with this. The men who see this as a dealbreaker aren't the kinds that more sexually free women want anyway so why get so man at some men's opinions?

[Lady2163]

Probably not. But at the same time, someone who has such a casual approach to sex, and who only recently is happy to be an OW, wouldn't be long term material for a fair chunk of guys either.

 

Shrug. 1.5 years ago. Not a lifetime ago. Met my needs while I built my business and got myself where I wanted to go. How many people in my real life do you think know about it? How many future boyfriends do you think I will discuss swinging or being an OW with?

 

My marriage is reduced to about four sentences.

[katiegrl]

For the most part I don't care about numbers but the OP has every right to his own standards while dating. It is his life and if he doesn't count a woman with a high number as his gf he is not wrong for doing so. No woman should ever be persecuted or bullied or whatever for her sex life but a lot of women will decide she is not the one he wants a relationship with he is not wrong for that.

 

Women have plenty of dealbreakers and when men complain about it they are told to man up and deal with it so woman up and deal with this. The men who see this as a dealbreaker aren't the kinds that more sexually free women want anyway so why get so man at some men's opinions?

 

Woggle, our later posts (autumn's, mine, jen's) reflect that we respect his right to date whomever he wants. And if he does not want to date women with high numbers, that's his prerogative.

 

It's all the derogatory name calling (slut, whore, etc,) that we take issue with. That's the shaming.

[autumnnight]

I don't get mad at preferences. I have my own. I don't like derogatory name calling.

 

But then again, my observation tells me that most of the men and women who start threads to rant about the opposite gender's flaws probably aren't getting a lot of dates anyway....and THAT is really what has them upset.

[Woggle]

Woggle, our later posts (autumn's, mine, jen's) reflect that we respect his right to date whomever he wants. And if he does not want to date women with high numbers, that's his prerogative.

 

It's all the derogatory name calling (slut, whore, etc,) that we take issue with. That's the shaming.

 

I agree that is wrong. I don't agree with name calling and insults but I think most men are just trying to protect ourselves with our dating standards. They see what is going on with modern relationships and don't want to become another victim. To me a woman's view of relationships and commitment matter more than any number but a lot of men are more naive and don't have that broard a view. They don't want to become one of those heartbroken men you see on the divorce forum and the best way they see how to prevent that is not dating women who sleep around.

[katiegrl]

I don't get mad at preferences. I have my own. I don't like derogatory name calling.

 

 

--------

 

****But then again, my observation tells me that most of the men and women who start threads to rant about the opposite gender's flaws probably aren't getting a lot of dates anyway....and THAT is really what has them upse*****t.

 

No doubt! I see a lot of bitterness on this board for that reason.

[jen1447]

I agree that is wrong. I don't agree with name calling and insults but I think most men are just trying to protect ourselves with our dating standards.

 

You can protect yourself just fine with standards and I don't think many here are questioning anyone's entitlement to do so. But in OP's case he wasn't doing just that, he was adding insult by casually referring to the women who fell outside his standards in various pejorative terms and betraying a double standard for the behavior he expects from 'contenders' vs. his own. Rest of thread followed.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I can't speak for others here, so I will just give my opinion. Personally, I was a bit of a hopeless romantic when I was younger. I did actually save myself for a girl that I thought was the right person. I was young and stupid, and at the time, incapable of distinguishing decent women from the crappy ones. She was a crappy one.

I am sorry you got hurt. I hope you can find your romantic part again some day. It seems like women are either "decent" or "crappy"? Maybe that is not the case?? :confused: I mean if something doesn't work out at all and you get hurt does this automatically make the woman crappy?

 

 

This is one of many double standards in dating. Even though I have slept around a bit, I only date women who have not done so. There are also a ton of fat girls who refuse to date fat guys, women with good careers that still expect a man to pay for her on a date, ect, ect.

Well I don't see why any of that should come into play for you or me when we are deciding how to comport ourselves?? :confused: Personally I am against supporting "double standards" so I am on the lookout for if maybe I am functioning with them. Double standards in dating or in workplace, race, or wherever are not okay with me and I am trying to hold myself to that in my own behavior!

 

P.S. I don't think that a guy paying for a woman on a date represents a double standard. Neither does my guy.

[mr_dave]

Shrug. 1.5 years ago. Not a lifetime ago. Met my needs while I built my business and got myself where I wanted to go. How many people in my real life do you think know about it? How many future boyfriends do you think I will discuss swinging or being an OW with?

 

My marriage is reduced to about four sentences.

 

Not wanted to bash you or sidetrack the thread, but why would you hide it?

I'm not saying women should be ashamed of such behaviour, but why act as if you are by hiding it? A compatible man wouldn't be bothered by it.

If asked outright "Have you ever slept with a married man?" what would you say?

I wouldn't lie about only having been with 3 women, many, if not most women will write me off because of it, but I want to be accepted for who I am by someone with similar values, not portray myself as something different.

[Imported]

Well considering we (the women banding together) agree on the matter, why wouldn't we?

 

It's not like some of the men on here aren't banding tofether to defend their 'right' to be douchebag about women's number of sexual partners.

 

 

 

I wasn't really paying attention, but I think it was about name calling.

 

 

And before you get all defensive, two wrongs don't make a right. It just makes NASCAR

[deadelvis]

I feel like there is a lot of conversation going back and forth about "slut-shaming", value and worth etc. but the real obvious point of this thread has been lost. Having had a large number of partners, and also being in a relationship with a woman who has a similar number of sexual partners, let me shed some light on this.

 

The least of your worries is her "number". These are the real problems...

 

1. As mentioned earlier... I can't flick a bottle cap without it bouncing off the heads of three guys she's f***ed. Even going to Walmart like the previous poster mentioned can mean several guys she used to screw coming up to say hi to her. At this point I hate going out to public places because it seems like everywhere we go there are tons of guys coming up to say hi to her, and most are former hookups. Maybe this shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm pretty open minded, but running into guys from her past always puts a dark cloud over the rest of my night. Maybe if we moved away to another town/city this wouldn't be an issue, but living in a small town where your partner did a lot of sleeping around means every trip to the store or the bar will result in bumping into some guy who she used to sleep with. And more often than not, these guys are either smug and condescending, flirty and disrespectful, or some disgusting creep who gets me thinking "wait... you actually had sex with that guy? gross..."

2. Social media... also mentioned earlier. Her facebook is like a list of former f-buddies and hookups. I actually deactivated my social media because I couldn't deal with having a dozen different guys from her past making cutesy comments on every picture she posts. And they are always trying to get in touch with her. Her phone is always going off, and it's always some guy she used to f*** trying to "keep in touch". She's pretty good about keeping them in check, she ignores most of them and keeps it brief with the rest, but it's such a headache. I hate her phone. When I masturbate I fantasize about smashing her phone with a hammer. Her phone is like a pair of shackles forever chaining her to her past and the numerous guys she's hooked up with. Maybe this could be avoided if your partner doesn't use social media, or they unfriend every guy they've had sex with, but good luck with that conversation.

 

3. STD's. Between the two of us we have pretty much collected everything but AIDS. No joke. When we get tested it's like "ok so what DON'T I have?" Seriously. She gave me herpes while I was wearing a condom and she wasn't even having an outbreak. The struggle is real.

 

4. Sexual detachment. Somehow despite my years of "slutting it up" I still have a very romantic outlook on sex. I was able to enjoy casual sex while still keeping a place in my heart for long term parnters. I can separate sex and love when I need to, but when I'm with my partner I still see love and sex as interconnected. However, she does not. For her sex is just like drinking a bottle of wine or eating a nice meal. It's fun and it feels good, but it's not the deeply connected spiritual experience that I want it to be. She's just very detached emotionally from sex. She's loving and intimate in the other aspects of our relationship, but sex for her is just a physical thing. I've also experienced this with other past girlfriends who had a high number. At some point sex just becomes a physical act, and the meaning is gone.

 

5. "Been there done that"... We have both engaged in a multitude of wild sexual experiences. I'll spare you the details but between the two of us we've done pretty much everything you could imagine. I think my history is actually more intense and graphic than hers, but anyway... now that she's had those experiences she doesn't feel any desire to do most of those things again. She's talked about enjoying wild and crazy experiences like really rough sex, anal, threesomes etc. Sometimes all in the same night. And she described those experiences as fun and exciting... Yet she has no desire to do any of those things with me. I've also done those same acts with other women in my past, however I had looked forward to a wild and kinky sex life together. No such luck. The reality is she's already gotten her "wild kinky times" over with and now she's more interested in just "hanging out" and maybe if I'm lucky having some really boring sex (which she's completely emotionally detached from) at the end of the night. There was a lot of talk about having wild crazy sex when we first started dating (which is how I even learned about her wild sexual history) but as it turns out most of that was just empty promises to get me interested in her. Maybe agreeing to not discuss previous sexual experiences could avoid this issue, but the reality is once you start getting serious it's inevitable that you have conversations about your past sex life.

 

6. Insecurity. I'm actually a really secure and confident person. I'm considered very attractive by women. I pretty much had my pick from the women in this town. I'm a "catch" by most women's standards. I'm great in bed, well endowed, etc. She always tells me I'm the best f*** of anyone she's ever been with. Statistically there's about a 2% chance of that being true. And no matter how good you are in bed or how big your dick is, when your partner talks about getting ruthlessly banged, gagged and choked all night by a sadistic creep with a 10 inch dick, that mental picture is hard to shake off. Or how about when your girlfriend says the only time she remembers having an orgasm with a one night stand was the time she had sex with a 75 year old man for $1000. There are some things you just wish you could forget. There are about half a dozen stories she's told me that made me feel sick to my stomach. A less secure and confident guy would not be able to live with those mental pictures. It haunted me for a while. Now I've learned to not think about it but occasionally I still get mental pictures of her tied up on her hands and knees in some cheap hotel room while some pervert chokes her and whispers degrading things in her ear... and the knowledge that she loved every minute of it... yet I'm lucky if I can get a BJ while she's on her period.

 

7. Issues. Now I realize not every woman who has a colorful history has issues. But I've dated a full spectrum of women, from "nearly-virgins" to "the-town-bike" and if you were to plot a graph with "body count" overlaid with "mental stability" it would be a pretty matching curvature on the graph. Not always, but usually... promiscuous = cray cray.

 

Like I said before. If her body count is higher than her age... do what all the other guys before did. RUN!!

 

Unless you want to be in my situation... and anyone whose been following my threads has a good idea of the nightmare I've gone through with my girlfriend. I've been in love with her for the past 15 years, so that's why I stuck through all this madness, but if she was any other woman I would have kicked her to the curb long ago.

[Rejected Rosebud]

40?!...yep, that's pretty much wh*re status right there. A walking petri dish of STDs

Is this tongue in cheek? :confused:

[Maleficent]

I wasn't really paying attention, but I think it was about name calling.

 

 

And before you get all defensive, two wrongs don't make a right. It just makes NASCAR

 

You do make a point. However, note that I'm name calling behaviours. I'm not saying the men are douchebags I'm saying they are being douchebags about one specific situations. I'm not questionning their value as a person. I'm not the one who said this behaviourcame from their insecurity.

 

I did not quote a member saying "you are a douchebag for saying this"

Even after I've been called a disgusting whore who was not wife material.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right but if you're going to insult someone, don't complain when they insult you in return. You deserve nothing more. I do not have to be respectful of someone who disrespected me first. (General you)