Dating a woman who has slept around....

[Rejected Rosebud]

The actual huge difference is you know a guy is short when you see him and you don't waste time with him if you know that is not for you.

 

 

Not the same at all with what you're trying to compare that to.

?? It's a perfect comparison. It doesn't matter if you can "see" that he is short or not, it is the attitude about one's personal preference. "I only like to date tall guys" is not related at all to "short guys are pathetic little dwarves that no self respecting girl in her right mind would WASTE TIME with."

 

Also you can go ahead and ask girls you date their number!! Though I would turn and run away if any guy presumed to intrude on my personal life that way (my number is 2. I would feel the same if it was 60)

[SawtoothMars]

I am sorry you got hurt. I hope you can find your romantic part again some day. It seems like women are either "decent" or "crappy"? Maybe that is not the case?? :confused: I mean if something doesn't work out at all and you get hurt does this automatically make the woman crappy?

Well I don't see why any of that should come into play for you or me when we are deciding how to comport ourselves?? :confused: Personally I am against supporting "double standards" so I am on the lookout for if maybe I am functioning with them. Double standards in dating or in workplace, race, or wherever are not okay with me and I am trying to hold myself to that in my own behavior!

P.S. I don't think that a guy paying for a woman on a date represents a double standard. Neither does my guy.

 

I've noticed that people who complain the most about double standards are also the most hypocritical about them.

[jen1447]

1. As mentioned earlier... I can't flick a bottle cap without it bouncing off the heads of three guys she's f***ed. Even going to Walmart like the previous poster mentioned can mean several guys she used to screw coming up to say hi to her. At this point I hate going out to public places because it seems like everywhere we go there are tons of guys coming up to say hi to her, and most are former hookups. Maybe this shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm pretty open minded, but running into guys from her past always puts a dark cloud over the rest of my night. Maybe if we moved away to another town/city this wouldn't be an issue, but living in a small town where your partner did a lot of sleeping around means every trip to the store or the bar will result in bumping into some guy who she used to sleep with. And more often than not, these guys are either smug and condescending, flirty and disrespectful, or some disgusting creep who gets me thinking "wait... you actually had sex with that guy? gross..."

It must be an extremely small town, or she's slept with literally thousands of men. Also since you've had as many partners as her, I assume you also run into three of them when you go to Wal-Mart?

[Woggle]

There is no way to tell a woman's numbers but you can tell when a woman has a disposable attitude towards relationships and when she doesn't have that romance that helps to fuel a relationship. You just notice it in her demeanor. I suggest men learn how to read a woman like instead of worrying about her math.

[deadelvis]

It must be an extremely small town, or she's slept with literally thousands of men. Also since you've had as many partners as her, I assume you also run into three of them when you go to Wal-Mart?

 

No. I cut contact with the women from my past, and for some reason we never bump into them. I think most of them were college girls who moved away after finishing school. But most of the guys she slept with are from our social circle and group of acquaintances. I'm not sure why it seems like we are always running into her past lovers, yet we have never once bumped into one of my former f-buddies. Once we were served food by a waitress who gave me a BJ, but otherwise I can't think of a single time we ran into a woman from my past. It feels like I'm cursed. Literally everywhere I go I run into one of her past guys. I guess I was banging college girls who moved away, but she was banging local guys who still hang out at the same places as us. That's the only explanation I can think of... But we've both stayed in the "less than 50" range of sexual partners. We're both in our early 30's.

[SawtoothMars]

You do make a point. However, note that I'm name calling behaviours. I'm not saying the men are douchebags I'm saying they are being douchebags about one specific situations. I'm not questionning their value as a person. I'm not the one who said this behaviourcame from their insecurity.

I did not quote a member saying "you are a douchebag for saying this"

Even after I've been called a disgusting whore who was not wife material.

Two wrongs don't make a right but if you're going to insult someone, don't complain when they insult you in return. You deserve nothing more. I do not have to be respectful of someone who disrespected me first. (General you)

 

Like it or not, women are the gatekeepers for sex. When you have control and power over something it is acceptable to expect people to be responsible with it. That is just how the world works. You don't like it... take it up with the universe.

[jen1447]

But we've both stayed in the "less than 50" range of sexual partners. We're both in our early 30's.

 

You're both at less than 50? Jeez, that's fairly modest imo, at least by the way you've portrayed the 'situation' it in the past. And you run into a few of GF's past 50 everywhere you go?

 

Town's population is 500 I assume.

[Maleficent]

That is just how the world works. You don't like it... take it up with the universe.

 

That's nice. I'm going to save that answer and whenever a man comes on here to complain about something, a.ny.thing. I'll tell them just that.

 

Way to make a conversation productive.

[deadelvis]

You're both at less than 50? Jeez, that's fairly modest imo, at least by the way you've portrayed the 'situation' it in the past. And you run into a few of GF's past 50 everywhere you go?

 

Town's population is 500 I assume.

 

Maybe I'm just exaggerating or hyper-sensitive to the presence of her former hookups. But it sure seems like we run into a lot of them. I also personally know about 20% of her past hookups. I'm close friends with a few of them. She's close friends with a few others. A few are local characters that everyone knows. She knows zero of my past lovers and has never met a single one of them.

 

She dated within our "friend pool" while I did not.

 

I'm seriously considering moving to a new town.

Edited August 25, 2015 by deadelvis

[DKT3]

Numbers don't mean sh*t...The reason behind a woman (and even men) having a lot of sexual partners is important and should be what your looking to understand before getting to deep.

 

Ex: woman 1 was a virgin until 20 then it dawns on her that she can get "things" from men if she sleeps with them, be it attention, validation, status whatever. She spends the next 8 years bedding down 8-10 guys.

 

Woman 2 is sexually active around 15 with a guy she dated for two years. Break-up and decide she is too young to be in a relationship but really enjoys sex. She spend the next 11 years sleeping with guys a because she enjoys sex, enjoys exploring her sexuality. Always safe sex and never cheating or in a relationship, bedding down 20-50 guys.

 

Both women are now 28 both looking to start look for marriage. Which is a safer option to marry? To me the answer is clear and it doesn't have a f*cking thing to do with the number.

 

A lot of guys [maybe OP included) aren't confident enough in themselves to believe they can offer a women who enjoys sex and has had many partner, enough to keep them interested. Too much fear that a guy in her past was bigger or better. Its sad really.

[CarrieT]

40?!...yep, that's pretty much wh*re status right there. A walking petri dish of STDs

 

I'm a woman who has lived five decades and whose numbers are in the 300s. NEVER had an STD ever.

 

I have - and always will be - a serial monogamist. With the exception of my first marriage (which was open and we were both swingers), I have NEVER cheated on someone I was in a relationship with - even when I found out *I* was the one being cheated on.

 

So not all women who are promiscuous are cheaters or full of disease.

[Maleficent]

A lot of guys [maybe OP included) aren't confident enough in themselves to believe they can offer a women who enjoys sex and has had many partner, enough to keep them interested. Too much fear that a guy in her past was bigger or better. Its sad really.

 

That's a very big assumption and generalization.

 

Just like there are women who have a lot of casual sex because they have insecurities and it somehow makes them feel better about themselves while others have a lot of casual sex because they are single and they enjoy it.

 

The biggest problem with slut shaming is that people shame based on assumption of what they think the person is doing.

[deadelvis]

Bottom line...

 

If you plan on "wifing the bike" you should probably move to a new town, delete your social media and make a rule to never speak of past sexual experiences. Also demand an STD test upfront and decide if you are comfortable with the results before having sex.

 

Otherwise you're in for a hellish ride.

[elaine567]

Bottom line...

 

If you plan on "wifing the bike" you should probably move to a new town, delete your social media and make a rule to never speak of past sexual experiences. Also demand an STD test upfront and decide if you are comfortable with the results before having sex.

 

Otherwise you're in for a hellish ride.

 

Why is it necessary for you to use such pejorative terms?

[carhill]

Yeah, the majority of women I dated, all contemporaries (my generation), admittedly 'got around', as it was normal in my generation and it was dating as normal. Each iteration is a unique individual and unique interaction. Nearly all the women had been married at least once and my exW twice. Attitudes about sex and relationships varied, as all such attitudes do since everyone is an individual.

 

Due to the times, mainly the HIV scare, STD panels were pretty normal and no one I ever dated to the point of sexual relations had any current issues. I have no idea what issues they had in the past, or how many sexual partners they had beyond what they shared directly. None were single digits and a couple were close to 50 (in their 30's). Again, pretty normal, to me anyway.

 

At my age now, if the lady is alive and healthy, the past is pretty much irrelevant. If she gets on well with her family and we have a good time together, that's fine with me. If I ever start dating again, that's what I'll look for. Her past sexual partner count will be on my mind even less than it was in the past and even then it wasn't something I dwelled on much, rather they brought it up when talking sex and STD's and similar prior to any sex taking place.

 

Good luck!

[autumnnight]

As mentioned earlier... I can't flick a bottle cap without it bouncing off the heads of three guys she's f***ed. Even going to Walmart like the previous poster mentioned can mean several guys she used to screw coming up to say hi to her. At this point I hate going out to public places because it seems like everywhere we go there are tons of guys coming up to say hi to her, and most are former hookups. Maybe this shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm pretty open minded, but running into guys from her past always puts a dark cloud over the rest of my night. Maybe if we moved away to another town/city this wouldn't be an issue, but living in a small town where your partner did a lot of sleeping around means every trip to the store or the bar will result in bumping into some guy who she used to sleep with. And more often than not, these guys are either smug and condescending, flirty and disrespectful, or some disgusting creep who gets me thinking "wait... you actually had sex with that guy? gross..."

 

Interesting....I thought you said things were fixed. You still sound pretty upset.

[DKT3]

That's a very big assumption and generalization.

 

Just like there are women who have a lot of casual sex because they have insecurities and it somehow makes them feel better about themselves while others have a lot of casual sex because they are single and they enjoy it.

 

The biggest problem with slut shaming is that people shame based on assumption of what they think the person is doing.

 

No an assumption would be saying "men who put a lot of stock into a womans number have small dicks"

 

Listen, the only number that matters is how many men she slept with while dating ME. As long as that number is 1(me) I'm cool and could care less if there were 9, 29 or 109 before me.

[deadelvis]

Why is it necessary for you to use such pejorative terms?

 

Sorry. I thought that one was funny. No disrespect to avid cyclists...

[GorillaTheater]

A lot of guys [maybe OP included) aren't confident enough in themselves to believe they can offer a women who enjoys sex and has had many partner, enough to keep them interested. Too much fear that a guy in her past was bigger or better. Its sad really.

 

That's a very big assumption and generalization.

 

It's a very real dynamic though, one I've seen in many threads here. For every thread like this one, there are probably more in which a man is posting from the standpoint of insecurity as to whether he can measure up to his SO's previous lovers, and without the element of slut-shaming. And I have to agree with DKT; it is pretty sad.

[deadelvis]

Interesting....I thought you said things were fixed. You still sound pretty upset.

 

Things are actually pretty good lately. I've made peace with her past. The ones that still cause problems are...

 

4. Sexual detachment. Somehow despite my years of "slutting it up" I still have a very romantic outlook on sex. I was able to enjoy casual sex while still keeping a place in my heart for long term parnters. I can separate sex and love when I need to, but when I'm with my partner I still see love and sex as interconnected. However, she does not. For her sex is just like drinking a bottle of wine or eating a nice meal. It's fun and it feels good, but it's not the deeply connected spiritual experience that I want it to be. She's just very detached emotionally from sex. She's loving and intimate in the other aspects of our relationship, but sex for her is just a physical thing. I've also experienced this with other past girlfriends who had a high number. At some point sex just becomes a physical act, and the meaning is gone.

 

5. "Been there done that"... We have both engaged in a multitude of wild sexual experiences. I'll spare you the details but between the two of us we've done pretty much everything you could imagine. I think my history is actually more intense and graphic than hers, but anyway... now that she's had those experiences she doesn't feel any desire to do most of those things again. She's talked about enjoying wild and crazy experiences like really rough sex, anal, threesomes etc. Sometimes all in the same night. And she described those experiences as fun and exciting... Yet she has no desire to do any of those things with me. I've also done those same acts with other women in my past, however I had looked forward to a wild and kinky sex life together. No such luck. The reality is she's already gotten her "wild kinky times" over with and now she's more interested in just "hanging out" and maybe if I'm lucky having some really boring sex (which she's completely emotionally detached from) at the end of the night. There was a lot of talk about having wild crazy sex when we first started dating (which is how I even learned about her wild sexual history) but as it turns out most of that was just empty promises to get me interested in her. Maybe agreeing to not discuss previous sexual experiences could avoid this issue, but the reality is once you start getting serious it's inevitable that you have conversations about your past sex life.

 

Lately it seems like the sex life has taken a major nosedive and it's difficult to reconcile the woman who liked getting choked and gagged by her ONS's with the woman in my bedroom who only wants vanilla sex twice a week. The lack of sex is killing me, and the comparison between her sex life then with our current sex life has been causing me a lot of confusion/depression. If she was so into doing all this crazy stuff in the past with guys she had only known for a few hours then why is our sex life so boring and infrequent. I had a long thread about this a few months ago. I keep trying to work through this but everything I've tried has failed.

 

And she's just so detached from sex. It means nothing to her. It's hard for me because sex also recharges my emotional batteries, but she could go without sex indefinitely and not seem to mind. Yet a year ago she was "slutting it up" just for thrills... wtf? or maybe the proper acronym is FML.

Edited August 25, 2015 by deadelvis

[Maleficent]

No an assumption would be saying "men who put a lot of stock into a womans number have small dicks"

 

Listen, the only number that matters is how many men she slept with while dating ME. As long as that number is 1(me) I'm cool and could care less if there were 9, 29 or 109 before me.

 

Assumption: a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof.

Bottom line, all we know about men who posted here is that they put a lot of stock in women's sexual behaviour. When you are taking this single information and slapping the insecurity tag on them based on that detail alone, you are making an assumption.

You are also pretty much doing the exact same thing we are condemning them for (Behaviour A = negawtive personality trait)

 

I completely agree with your second paragraph though.

[Maleficent]

It's a very real dynamic though, one I've seen in many threads here. For every thread like this one, there are probably more in which a man is posting from the standpoint of insecurity as to whether he can measure up to his SO's previous lovers, and without the element of slut-shaming. And I have to agree with DKT; it is pretty sad.

 

Not saying I disagree.

 

What I'm saying 'A woman who has a lot of casual sex is a slut. It's disguting.' VS 'A man who worries about his partner's umber of partners is insecure. It's sad'

Not seeing a real difference here.

[SawtoothMars]

That's nice. I'm going to save that answer and whenever a man comes on here to complain about something, a.ny.thing. I'll tell them just that.

Way to make a conversation productive.

 

This isn't a conversation. It's just a bunch of people talking past each other.

 

It makes sense for women to want to be able to do whatever they want with no consequences. It also makes sense for men to try and hold them to some kind of standard. None of that is going to change.

 

Actions have consequences. Technology has liberated people from most of the physical consequences of sex. It has done nothing to save us from the emotional impact. This applies to both men and women.

[jen1447]

Not saying I disagree.

 

What I'm saying 'A woman who has a lot of casual sex is a slut. It's disguting.' VS 'A man who worries about his partner's umber of partners is insecure. It's sad'

Not seeing a real difference here.

 

"Insecure" is less of an insult than "slut."

[deadelvis]

so many labels and shaming. so much focus on insecurity...

 

if you are insecure you shouldn't date a woman with a high number.

 

easy. problem solved.

 

if you think people with a high number are of lesser value...

 

don't date them...

easy. problem solved.

 

however... if you think you can handle settling down with a "reformed slut" then you have more to worry about than wondering if her other partners were bigger/better than you. Those types of issues are like "level 1 problems". Once you reach "level 5 problems" you will realize that her number is not the problem, or her past boyfriend having a big dick. The real problems I outlined earlier will not just fade away. If you want to date a promiscuous woman, of course you can't be insecure or a "slut-shamer" but that doesn't mean you aren't still in for a serious headache...