Dating a woman who has slept around....

[Gaeta]

I'm talking about the women in clubs who sleep with 40 guys in a year

 

Funny how your story changes.

 

First you were talking about women in general who have slept with 11 + in 10 years and now you're talking about women clubbing and sleep with 40+ men in a year.

 

I am responding to your original question which is about regular girls that are getting close to 30 and had several partner over 10 + years.

[central]

My view is this: I did not sleep around when I was younger. I never had a ONS that I initiated - if one happened, it wasn't my intention to do so. Every woman I had sex with was in the context of a developing relationship. So, my values would make me question a woman who had ONSs, or many partners and few relationships. I don't have a double standard - but I do have standards. Now, those standards are influenced by who the woman is now, and her values and standards NOW - her past is a factor, but not necessarily the main factor.

 

I seldom ask about a woman's sexual past. I look at her in the present, and can usually figure out what her attitudes and values are now. If they aren't compatible with mine, then we just aren't compatible.

 

I also don't want a virgin or inexperienced woman. If she isn't good in bed, she's not for me, either.

 

I think men with double standards are often unhappy with their marriages. They choose the "good girls" over the somewhat wilder girls, then wonder why they have a poor sex life. IMO, many of those good girls don't much like sex, or never had much sex or many partners because they have issues with their sexuality or have been conditioned to think of sex as bad or dirty or something along those lines. They are too conflicted and inhibited to be good sex partners.

[harkkam]

Why?

 

Why is a sexually assertive woman disgusting but not a man?

 

How is her number any indication of how she will conduct herself in a relationship?

 

I've had my phase of casual sex and my number would have your eyes fall out of your head, yet, when I am in a relationship I am totally devoted and loyal and I don't even lay my eyes on other men. My longest relationship was 15 years.

 

What's your theory again? that a promiscuous single woman is also a promiscuous woman in a relationship? You may want to revisit that theory.

 

 

It's not the fear that a promiscuous person won't be faithful. It's the thought that so many other men have been inside her and that she is easy to charm and romance to share herself

 

Men are buyers and women are sellers and a woman having easy sex is saying I have low value I put out easy.

 

You can try and act modern and say sex is a need and just another thing to do but no

 

It's not just a release of chemicals and then you kick them out of the room

 

Sex is not a commodity but a shared experience for somebody who has earned it

 

Make the dude work for it!

[harkkam]

Funny how your story changes.

 

First you were talking about women in general who have slept with 11 + in 10 years and now you're talking about women clubbing and sleep with 40+ men in a year.

 

I am responding to your original question which is about regular girls that are getting close to 30 and had several partner over 10 + years.

 

 

 

To be honest the numbers are relative, I think that 1-30 partners there is so much leeway as to how and why and at what age. 30 partners at age 22 = problem. 30 partners at age 35 = with one or two one night stands that's okay.

 

Basically men want one night stands and women who give it to them are cheap and easy.

 

You're right I made the numbers into a concrete thing and it's more about the story about how and not the number itself

 

But casual one night stands turn me off from a woman I want for an LTR

 

For a fun night she is exactly the kind of woman i want

[Satu]

It's not the fear that a promiscuous person won't be faithful. It's the thought that so many other men have been inside her and that she is easy to charm and romance to share herself

 

If your problem is that thought, your problem is with yourself.

[Gaeta]

To be honest the numbers are relative, I think that 1-30 partners there is so much leeway as to how and why and at what age. 30 partners at age 22 = problem. 30 partners at age 35 = with one or two one night stands that's okay.

 

Basically men want one night stands and women who give it to them are cheap and easy.

 

You're right I made the numbers into a concrete thing and it's more about the story about how and not the number itself

 

But casual one night stands turn me off from a woman I want for an LTR

 

For a fun night she is exactly the kind of woman i want

 

I am glad you see where all things are relative. I will defend a 30 yo woman with 10 partners over 10 years but I am not going to defend a woman standing at the exit door of a club and having sex with 3 men a night.

[BluEyeL]

I'm a woman and I do share some conservative views on sex in general. You have to be realistic though. If someone is single and dating, they will have more than 3 sexual partners until they're 30. They may even had had a couple of ONSs when they were in a dry spell. It shouldn't matter in itself.

 

I personally specifically look at a potential partner in terms of how much novelty seeking he is. If he never settled down until a reasonable age, is 45 and never married, only had short term relationships, or kept living with women and breaking up with them, I generally assess him as not suitable for me. I don't care about the "number" in itself. But if a man has a novelty seeking/saw my oats attitude and sleeping around, I don't really think we'd be compatible and I'd pass. I have a very low number for a 43 yo, but I have to admit that I was only single for 18 months between the ages of 18 and 43. If I were single for longer, my number would have definitely been higher.

 

My point is, the number is not relevant, the values and incompatibilities is what matters on the long term. You can find that out without asking about numbers specifically.

[Jj66]

I had a 44 yo **** buddy whose number was 5 (including me). You'd think from her number that she had the type of attitude about sex the OP is looking for. She was married for 18 years and had only been with her husband when she divorced. Then she had a boyfriend for two years. Then she had 2 more lovers in 6 months. I don't know why she told me these things. I didn't ask her about her past. Was she a loose woman? Was she sexually inexperienced? 44 years old and only 4 lovers. Yet it was she who proposed a completely casual sexual relationship to me.

 

 

She was an absolute freak in bed though. I did my first anal with her. She said she loved anal and wanted me to give it to her bad. I agreed and she taught me all about the fine art of anal sex. She also wanted to do an MFM threesome to fulfill one her fantasies but we never got around to it before I found someone I wanted to date and pulled the (butt) plug on our arrangement. My next girlfriend was almost virginal compared to her but had a much higher number (I don't know what it was but it was higher just based on the number of serious relationships she had been in).

 

Your number by itself says very little about your attitude toward sex.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Jj66

[elaine567]

Your number by itself says very little about your attitude toward sex.

 

I agree a woman can build up numbers with ONSs and quickies, and know little about sex in reality, they are just a sperm receptacle, and a woman can have been with just a few men in LTRs and can be a very experienced sexually.

 

We all like to have sex on the third or forth date, but if a woman has say 25-50 partners that's a problem.

 

I can usually tell by a woman's body language how sexually experienced she is, usually they are very confident and very independent and very good at using their body to attract other men like men these men are puppets on strings.

 

I do not think you can tell how many partners a woman as had by her sexual body language. I have known some women known for their high numbers that are not sexual at all in their body language and I have known other women who just ooze sex, flirt and tease and I know for a fact their numbers are low or they have stayed with just the one partner all of their life.

[mrldii]

...So no equality has no bearing on the fact that women are being raised to treat sex like its another thing to consume and throw away...

 

We are? Where are the men when all us women are being schooled on how to "treat sex like its another thing to consume and throw away"?

 

Safely tucked away in the back seat, protectively hiding themselves from all these loose women?

[SmartDude]

Everyone is different.

There are men (like me) who like their women to be a little more "slutty".

For me its not the number but how she achived it and the reasons behind her actions.

I love sexually expresive women!

 

If it was part of her journey of personal sexual exploration, I am all for it. If she was just partying and engaging in mindless debauchery sex, then no, she aint my type, unless we got something else going on.

Big difference there!

 

The type I don't get along with has less to do with sex and more to do with emotional dependence. I don't do well with people who NEED to be in a relationship at all times. So if they have that veiw of strict monogamy, have only been with long term partners..It is likley that we are not compatable.

 

I am aware that for some men the thought of their GF/Wife/Lover having sex with another man is painfull. For some reason I don't have that reaction.

[autumnnight]

This whole thing is just the recycled version of what my mom told me 30 some-odd years ago about there being "the kind of girl he dates, and the kind of girl he marries."

 

Difference is, women are now having the audacity to question this ridiculous hypocrisy now.

 

If a man wants a virgin, the first question I am going to ask him is if HE is a virgin. If a man doesn't want a woman who had one night stands, I am going to ask him if he has ever had one.

 

Where I live, we don't allow men harems and stone women for letting their ankles show (thank GOD).

[Grumpybutfun]

OP, please make your antiquated and judgmental sexist proclamations on the first or second date so the woman can run from your controlling expectations. Sure, you get to want what you want, but make sure you let the woman know that her past is more important to you than her character or value as human being right now. Transparency will save time and hurt feelings.

This is more your issue than any woman who is confident and independent enough to enjoy her sexuality....

Transparency saves feelings,

G

[Jj66]

Women can be judgmental and hypocritical too.

 

Before I got married to my ex wife when we were dating she brought up the numbers talk. My number was about 1/2 of her number (about 1/4 of her actual number) but I had had a ONS initiated by a woman that I revealed. When I told her that she recoiled and pulled away from me and said a bunch of things that made me feel like ****. We got over it. One day when looking for something in the files I found a list of guys names. It was her "list" and it had way more names on it than the number she had told me during the talk. Of course I was very angry since she had criticized and shamed me for my ONS but at the same time was lying about her number. Apparently she had only counted her "relationships" in the number she gave to me but casual encounters didn't count.

[jen1447]

Subjective value judgment is subjective.

[wb1988]

I honestly don't care what people did before I met them.

 

I wasn't there, so it's not my business.

 

That's so stupid, when you start or about to start dating them them it becomes your business.

 

If you dated a girl and then found out that she cheated on her last 5 boyfriends would you be surprised when she also cheats on you?

 

If you were an employer and hired an employee that you knew was very unpunctual would you be surprised when he/she turns up late on the first day?

 

If you bought a business that immediately went under wouldn't you feel like a fool if you found out about it's shady business practices or if the past director/owner was a criminal?

 

As someone said earlier, you're past is what has made you who you are. You often tell exactly what a person is like by looking at their past & experiences, just like how you can tell so much about a person by just looking at their music collection or even their car. Only an uber-liberal fool would ignore or deny that fact.

Edited August 24, 2015 by wb1988

[BlueIris]

OP, please make your antiquated and judgmental sexist proclamations on the first or second date so the woman can run from your controlling expectations. Sure, you get to want what you want, but make sure you let the woman know that her past is more important to you than her character or value as human being right now. Transparency will save time and hurt feelings.

This is more your issue than any woman who is confident and independent enough to enjoy her sexuality....

Transparency saves feelings,

G

 

Grumpybutfun said it, but more nicely than I will.

 

I have no problem with your believing what you believe, OP. Go right ahead.

 

But also be a man of integrity and tell the women you meet, date, have sex with, and/or get into a relationship with exactly how you do feel about these things. Be honest.

 

I suspect that you and the men on the “man forums” you refer to do not tell the truth proudly and candidly- because you would get far fewer dates and far less sex.

 

But I say, be a man! Be forthright and candid! And let natural selection take its course.

Edited August 24, 2015 by BlueIris

[Jj66]

I no more ask how many partners she has had than I ask how many restrooms she has used.

 

I do ask about previous relationships. How long they lasted. How they ended and what lessons she learned. Those things are important to me in evaluating whether I want to have a relationship with her. Not how many different penises have been inside her.

 

I surprised a date by asking her what she thought her role in the divorce was and if I asked her ex husband about her role what do you think he would say? What is the best thing about him? He must have some good qualities since you married him.

 

If she doesn't take any responsibility at all or can't say anything nice about him, she doesn't get a second date because I don't want to be with someone who is unwilling to take personal responsibility for her mistakes.

[empresario]

This is all mental.

 

 

I struggled with this for a long time since I was awkward the first 23 years or my life and had a fairly low number. Every girl I've slept with for the past 3-4 years has had a higher number than me. Over time it only gets worse.

 

 

You know what I learned? It's not how many men they've slept with...it's how you feel when they sleep with you.

 

 

One girlfriend was 19 and had already been with over 10 men. That scared me initially, but she constantly complimented how compatible we were, never brought up the other guys, and knew how to stroke my ego (literally and figuratively). Some of it may have been lies to placate me, but that's fine. I felt very comfortable with her.

 

 

One girlfriend was 21 and had been with 6 men. I felt like ******* around her because she was way too graphic about those other men. I know how they made her feel, what she liked with them, etc. That made me think of her as a whore. She explained everything logically, including how I made her feel.

 

 

Moral of the story: Those numbers will only grow bigger as the girls you date get older. If it bugs you don't even ask. They say ignorance is bliss. And 'they' are right. Focus on how you feel with them, not how they felt with others.

[Discjockey80]

I don't want to necessarily romanticize relative levels of promiscuity per se, but I have noticed something very interesting.

 

 

I find that in general...otherwise happy, confident low partner count guys and/or guys who are virgins, tend to attract high partner count women and if said guy has the balls, he usually can't go wrong with a higher partner count woman. They provide hands down great sex because of their 'travelled' confidence. These women also have an honesty about them in their nature that men with double standards tend to miss. And there is the key. Those double standards.

 

 

Most of the guys I was buddies with that are good guys. Honest, nice, strong, masculine and caring. All around 'goodie' guys yet still stand up strong guys.

Most all these guys are currently with higher partner count women.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I'm 39 and male, I stopped asking sex partner numbers years ago. For one it does nothing for the relationship and two women usually lie.

 

25 isn't a lot for a girl in her 30's. And who am I to judge since I've had a lot of one night stands. But to each their own.

[harkkam]

OP, please make your antiquated and judgmental sexist proclamations on the first or second date so the woman can run from your controlling expectations. Sure, you get to want what you want, but make sure you let the woman know that her past is more important to you than her character or value as human being right now. Transparency will save time and hurt feelings.

This is more your issue than any woman who is confident and independent enough to enjoy her sexuality....

Transparency saves feelings,

G

 

 

Sorry I don't have to accept your views.

 

Im sorry I don't know what fantasy world you live in but No man wants a used up hoe. You can parade your sexual liberation all you want but I don't have to accept it

 

As they say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife

 

I don't have to tell her how I feel, I'll be able to tell what kind of woman she is from her body language. Like I said women who sleep around a lot give it off in their interactions with people, they have a blaze attitude about men and talk about them like its a pair of shoes.

 

I can easily tell who is a hoe and isn't and I stay away.

 

All I'm saying is I can't marry a woman who sleeps around like Carrie from sex and the city sorry. No bueno

[harkkam]

This whole thing is just the recycled version of what my mom told me 30 some-odd years ago about there being "the kind of girl he dates, and the kind of girl he marries."

 

Difference is, women are now having the audacity to question this ridiculous hypocrisy now.

 

If a man wants a virgin, the first question I am going to ask him is if HE is a virgin. If a man doesn't want a woman who had one night stands, I am going to ask him if he has ever had one.

 

Where I live, we don't allow men harems and stone women for letting their ankles show (thank GOD).

 

 

Okay good for you, that's why I don't have ONS because I wouldn't want that from my partner and I can't expect the same either

 

Lol I love how people start attacking your views whenever they differ from the way they live their own lives.

 

Keep thinking feminism and women empowerment are free of any critisism, I'm sorry I will not bow down to women and their rants to change my views

[mrldii]

Sorry I don't have to accept your views.

 

Im sorry I don't know what fantasy world you live in but No man wants a used up hoe. You can parade your sexual liberation all you want but I don't have to accept it

 

As they say you can't turn a hoe into a housewife

 

I don't have to tell her how I feel, I'll be able to tell what kind of woman she is from her body language. Like I said women who sleep around a lot give it off in their interactions with people, they have a blaze attitude about men and talk about them like its a pair of shoes.

 

I can easily tell who is a hoe and isn't and I stay away.

 

All I'm saying is I can't marry a woman who sleeps around like Carrie from sex and the city sorry. No bueno

 

 

OP, I am one of those women whom you've determined "sleeps around". If it makes you feel any better, as an authority on the matter when having any of my ONSs there was little - if any - "sleeping" involved.

 

 

Also, for the record, "hoes" are implements used by those who are spreading seeds in a garden; a "ho" is the colloquial term for the type of woman involved in the other type of seed-spreading. If you're going to attempt to insult a [large] portion of 51% of the world's population by slapping labels on 'em, try to get use the *right* one, 'kay?

[Maleficent]

 

Keep thinking feminism and women empowerment are free of any critisism, I'm sorry I will not bow down to women and their rants to change my views

 

That's fine. But please don't come here conplaining in a few months that you're not getting any luck with women.

 

Not a lot of women want a man who refuses to treat them as equal thinking it is "bowing down to their rants"

 

Personally when a man speaks like you did here, I run away. Far. And change my number.