Dating a woman who has slept around....

[Lady2163]

Not wanted to bash you or sidetrack the thread, but why would you hide it?

I'm not saying women should be ashamed of such behaviour, but why act as if you are by hiding it? A compatible man wouldn't be bothered by it.

If asked outright "Have you ever slept with a married man?" what would you say?

I wouldn't lie about only having been with 3 women, many, if not most women will write me off because of it, but I want to be accepted for who I am by someone with similar values, not portray myself as something different.

 

So, I was running through a bunch of scenarios trying to think of what I might say if I was asked this question. It really is tough to comprehend since again, I honestly can't remember when I was asked about it.

 

I date searching for a relationship, I swing to satisfy physical needs.

 

I'm probably not going to continue dating someone I'm not interested in having sex with.

 

For me sexual experience, sexual morals and birth control are all conversations you have BEFORE the first time clothes are shed.

 

If I found out the man I was dating had been with three women and had been sexually active for 30 to 35 years, I'd want to know if there were marriages or long term relationships or just many dry spells.

 

I would probably say something along these lines:

I really like you and enjoy your company. I think we have a great connection. But my number is a lot higher than 3. Wilt Chamberlain isn't going to call to give me an award. In the last five to ten years, that number is probably around 10. If that is a problem, I'd really like to know, so we don't try to fool ourselves.

 

If a man persists and wants to pin me down on a number he either is wanting gory details OR has already put me into the one and done category.

 

But more than likely I'm going to know if our morals are drastically out of sync before it gets serious. I'm going to know if my fun and promiscuous past is going to be an issue.

 

I'm sorry I have to go. I had more that I wanted to say.

[Maleficent]

This isn't a conversation. It's just a bunch of people talking past each other.

 

It makes sense for women to want to be able to do whatever they want with no consequences. It also makes sense for men to try and hold them to some kind of standard. None of that is going to change.

 

Actions have consequences. Technology has liberated people from most of the physical consequences of sex. It has done nothing to save us from the emotional impact. This applies to both men and women.

 

Like most threads here. So my response still applies.

 

Actions have consequences, yes. Having sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies, possible STDs. Those are possible consequences of two responsible adults having sex.

 

Please explain to me how being disrespected and mistreated is an acceptable consequence to consensual sex.

[jay1983]

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

[autumnnight]

This isn't a conversation. It's just a bunch of people talking past each other.

 

It makes sense for women to want to be able to do whatever they want with no consequences. It also makes sense for men to try and hold them to some kind of standard. None of that is going to change.

 

Actions have consequences. Technology has liberated people from most of the physical consequences of sex. It has done nothing to save us from the emotional impact. This applies to both men and women.

 

I kind of hesitate to post this because I'm not sure if you'll really READ read it or do that fast "a woman wrote this so let cut to the chase" kind of reading....

 

I personally do not think I should be able to do what I want with whoever I want. I have by no means been perfect, and that is something I would voluntarily discuss with a man whose business it actually it (like a partner or SO). I think it is perfectly valid for a man OR a woman to want to date someone who has NOT slept around.

 

Here is where I part ways with some people:

 

1. I do not think it is necessary to call women, especially strangers whose lives you know nothing about, sluts, ho's, bikewifers, etc. or otherwise be snarky and demeaning. For an emotionally intelligent person, stating the preference should be enough

 

2. I believe it is hypocritical for a man who has slept with 50 women to expect to then marry a virgin

[deadelvis]

I find ***** like this disgusting.

 

14 ***** and counting and everyone's been inside it.

 

I'll think I'll stick to the more classier 2 to 3 **** ***** in future.

 

Fixed that for you. Now it matches with the other posts.

[GorillaTheater]

"Insecure" is less of an insult than "slut."

 

And the "insecure" part is pretty self-evident. A lot of those guys come out and admit it.

 

But you have to get to know a slut pretty well before you can be certain.

[autumnnight]

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

 

You can say whatever you want. Statistics do not bear that out.

[deadelvis]

If you can't have a laugh at these things it will eat you up inside.

 

Btw "wifing the bike" is my own phrase. Please feel free to use it but include the trademark logo for legal reasons.

[Maleficent]

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

 

Depends.

 

Personally, the fact you say 'you think this' makes it less offensive imo cause, well it's your opinion, and, well, you're 'owning' it.

You could be right, you could be wrong. It could be true of some people, it could be wrong of some people but it's what you think so you stay away from women who have had a lot of partners.

Basically, you making it 'yours' so it means other people can think differently.

 

 

I see this as different from someone saying 'all women who had a lot of partners are more likely to cheat'. It's more like an affirmation 'this is how things are and no one can see it differently cause that's how it is.

 

 

Subtle difference, I know but it's how I see it.

[jen1447]

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

 

Do you want to be PC or just decent and respectful of others? If the latter, say "I think a woman who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat." (And be prepared to defend that assertion sensibly.)

[jay1983]

You can say whatever you want. Statistics do not bear that out.

 

I'm more of type to make my own observations. What I've seen IRL and the infidelity section here. But here's one. I don't know how credible the source is, but here you go.PLOS ONE: Associations between Dopamine D4 Receptor Gene Variation with Both Infidelity and Sexual Promiscuity

[deadelvis]

It's like that scene in Fight Club where Marla rolls over and says "I haven't been ****ed like that since gradeschool" and suddenly you wonder what the **** happened in my life to get me to this point. Ten years ago I was this hopeless romantic who wanted to have a nice normal life. Now I'm covered in bruises and scary tattoos, listening to my "girlfriend" tell stories about getting tied up and sodomized by some balding pervert she met over the internet. Those white picket fences I dreamed of as a child have been replaced by iron bars and the idyllic white wedding has been replaced by rape-fetishes and BDSM. What the **** happened to me. Nevermind. Where's that bottle...?

[SawtoothMars]

Like most threads here. So my response still applies.

Actions have consequences, yes. Having sex can lead to unwanted pregnancies, possible STDs. Those are possible consequences of two responsible adults having sex.

Please explain to me how being disrespected and mistreated is an acceptable consequence to consensual sex.

 

Simple. It's your choice. Isn't that the meaning of consent?

 

Women want certain things from a man they date/marry. Men want certain things from women too. This should be Ok from both parties.

[central]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jay1983

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

You can say whatever you want. Statistics do not bear that out.

 

Weeeellll .....

 

Whisman & Snyder (2007) found that the risk for cheating was greater for women who were remarried (compared to those who were on their first marriage), or for either gender with the greater number of sexual partners you have.

 

Whisman, M.A. & Snyder, D.K. (2007). Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment. Journal of Family Psychology, 21, 147-154.

[deadelvis]

I've personally found women with a lower number are much more likely to stray than women with a higher number, although once the number gets up around the triple digits that theory goes out the window because you start having things like sex addiction and nymphomania coming into the equation.

[Maleficent]

Simple. It's your choice. Isn't that the meaning of consent?

 

Women want certain things from a man they date/marry. Men want certain things from women too. This should be Ok from both parties.

 

This has been said countless of times in this thread. It's perfectly ok for men to choose a partner who has views on sexuality that are similar to theirs.

 

It's not ok for men to call women sluts because their views on sexuality does not match theirs.

[deadelvis]

If a woman hasn't had many sexual partners she will be more likely to feel like she is "missing out" and she needs to "spread her wings (legs) and fly" before she's ready to settle down. I've lost a few "chaste" women in the past because they wanted to experience more of life/dating before getting settled down. Most "sluts" will be pretty happy to find a big dick to settle down with...

[SawtoothMars]

I kind of hesitate to post this because I'm not sure if you'll really READ read it or do that fast "a woman wrote this so let cut to the chase" kind of reading....

I personally do not think I should be able to do what I want with whoever I want. I have by no means been perfect, and that is something I would voluntarily discuss with a man whose business it actually it (like a partner or SO). I think it is perfectly valid for a man OR a woman to want to date someone who has NOT slept around.

Here is where I part ways with some people:

1. I do not think it is necessary to call women, especially strangers whose lives you know nothing about, sluts, ho's, bikewifers, etc. or otherwise be snarky and demeaning. For an emotionally intelligent person, stating the preference should be enough

2. I believe it is hypocritical for a man who has slept with 50 women to expect to then marry a virgin

 

For the most part, I entirely agree with you. I would however like to impart some ideas to you.

 

1. You will never be able to control what people say. It is however, completely within your power to control how you take it.

2. Hypocrisy is a part of life. All people are guilty. Is it any different from a woman who is poor dating only men who are rich?

 

Just an observation. I have found it much more common that women with very high numbers attempt to settle on men with little or no experience. Likely because many men tend to be late bloomers.

[jen1447]

I've personally found women with a lower number are much more likely to stray than women with a higher number, although once the number gets up around the triple digits that theory goes out the window because you start having things like sex addiction and nymphomania coming into the equation.

 

I think that's a bogus conclusion, or at least very suspect. You could have a woman on the one hand who had 100 partners over 10 years and slept with each of them twice, meaning she had sex 200 times in 10 years. On the other hand you could have a woman with 1 partner over 10 years who slept with them 200 times a year for a total of 2000 encounters. Which one is the 'sex addict?'

[Justanaverageguy]

So what's a PC way of saying that I think a women who's had a lot of partners is more likely to cheat?

 

Is that shaming?

 

I think the PC way to say it would be to stop focusing on what you don't want and why they are "more likely to be immoral" and start focusing on what you actually want and why you value that.

 

EG: I only seriously date girls who have had a limited number of sexual partners because I find it easier to trust a woman who has exercised sexual restraint in the past.

[SawtoothMars]

This has been said countless of times in this thread. It's perfectly ok for men to choose a partner who has views on sexuality that are similar to theirs.

It's not ok for men to call women sluts because their views on sexuality does not match theirs.

 

We either believe in free speech or we don't.

 

What is hypocritical is to claim someone shouldn't insult you, but you can insult them. The difference between words and fists is that YOU control whether words hurt you or not!

[deadelvis]

I think that's a bogus conclusion, or at least very suspect. You could have a woman on the one hand who had 100 partners over 10 years and slept with each of them twice, meaning she had sex 200 times in 10 years. On the other hand you could have a woman with 1 partner over 10 years who slept with them 200 times a year for a total of 2000 encounters. Which one is the 'sex addict?'

 

I get what you're saying but in my experience when someone has had over 100 different sex partners they usually have some crazy sex addiction issues going on. The only women I've dated in the 100+ range were complete monsters who would disappear with random men for half an hour and then come back with their hair messed up acting like nothing had happened. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but if you are in your 20's or 30's and you've ploughed through hundreds of men, it's a safe bet you're not exactly "stable".

[jay1983]

You can never be PC. Anything you say can still offend someone and I'm not the type to walk on pins and needles.

[William]

Ha, ha, the tempting of fate. Short list of words which are considered gender bashing:

 

Whore

Slut

Prick

Man-whore

Player

Bitch

Village bicycle and permutations thereof.

 

I think you get the drift.

 

'Slept around' is fine, as is 'promiscuous' and similar.

 

This preserves civility in discussion as well as posting privileges. Also, please don't comment on the thread itself or any members personally. We have a private message system to contact members personally and to provide personal feedback on their postings. Thanks!

Edited August 26, 2015 by William
Forgot one and I'm sure others will be added over time

[Woggle]

You can never be PC. Anything you say can still offend someone and I'm not the type to walk on pins and needles.

 

Exactly so say what is on your mind and if people are offended they have the right not to associate with you. If you want to live life worrying about offending somebody then you might as well not say anything ever because in these days and times breathing the wrong way will offend somebody.