Good Marriage Counseling

[OldRover]

Thought I'd start a thread about finding a GOOD marriage counselor. Seems like there's a ton of them out there that ain't worth a damn. I've been through perhaps 20 or so over the years and have found one one worth while (my current one). Unfortunately he's a LONG distance (2 hr drive) and makes it very inconvenient, but I'd like to keep him.

 

However, if I loose him, I'd sure like to figure out how to find another good one.

 

Seems like some of the characteristics that I really like in him....

 

He never paints things as absolutely black and white...

He looks over the situation and gives both the goods and the bads.... and then tells me the risks of continuing with that situation and what solution choices I have.

 

He will let me make up my mind, but will guide me to make rational choices with good reasons.

 

He will not throw blame, but will point out things that I'm not doing correctly or that can be improved.

 

He will encourage me a lot... and give me praise for accomplishments.

 

He asks a LOT of questions to be sure he totally understands the situation.

 

Also, he calls it a situation with a solution... it's not an issue.

 

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How do you find people like this? How do you interview them, and what are good questions to ask?

 

I've been with so many that put me into a cookie cutter solution, and just tell me everything will be fine... and it never is. I've had them make promises of things that would happen that were impossible to predict (and usually wrong).

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

Early on I thought DH & I could benefit from MC. I felt I like was struggling to be married. As an only child who married later in life, I was having difficulty with sharing & functioning like a team; this was compounded by DH's stoicism. There weren't problems per se but I was hoping for more tools to improve our marriage & avoid real problems. Try as I might every body I encountered seemed to be looking for somebody to blame.

 

I then turned to self help books & again they seemed more about blame.

 

I found one I liked called Fighting For Your Marriage, which spoke to me & talked about appreciation & understanding the other person's perspective.

 

If I ever sought MC I would prefer to find somebody who shared that philosophy.

[OldRover]

Early on I thought DH & I could benefit from MC. I felt I like was struggling to be married. As an only child who married later in life, I was having difficulty with sharing & functioning like a team; this was compounded by DH's stoicism. There weren't problems per se but I was hoping for more tools to improve our marriage & avoid real problems. Try as I might every body I encountered seemed to be looking for somebody to blame.

 

I then turned to self help books & again they seemed more about blame.

 

I found one I liked called Fighting For Your Marriage, which spoke to me & talked about appreciation & understanding the other person's perspective.

 

If I ever sought MC I would prefer to find somebody who shared that philosophy.

 

 

Good points, and there are tons of books and articles about marriage... saving it, making it better, surviving problems, etc.... I've got lots of them, and will probably get more.

 

Seems like marriage requires work, but the rewards are huge. Definitely working for. And a good counselor can be a real asset. Just like options.

[autumnnight]

I view counseling in a similar way as I view teaching or medicine. A teacher who teaches all students only one way is not much of a teacher. A doctor who treats patients only one way is not much of a doctor.

 

Take breast cancer as an analogy. It is pretty true to say that all breast cancer involves the breasts. It is even true to say that pretty much all treatment of malignant breast cancer will involve removing the cancer and some sort of chemical treatment.

 

BUT if I have breast cancer, I don't want a doctor who says, "Well, we all know that all women have 2 breasts and all breast cancer effects the breasts, so I'll just take out my trusty checklist here...ah yes, mastectomy, brand A chemo, radiation. We'll do this, and we will not deviate."

 

Um...no. Some people can do with a lumpectomy. Some need a partial mastectomy, some radical, some double. There are various kind of chemo and means of delivery. Some need radiation. Some are tested and need that 5 year drug. Some don't.

 

I want a doctor/teacher/counselor who is going to do more than quote the serenity prayer and give me a list.

 

I want him to listen to ME and MY spouse, and while some standard things might apply, I don't want something he xeroxes for all his clients.

[Mr. Lucky]

I've been through perhaps 20 or so over the years and have found one one worth while (my current one).

 

OR, don't know the specifics of your situation so please understand this observation isn't directed at you personally.

 

But if marital events drive you to 20 different MC providers, an outside observer might wonder if the issue was more about the participants willingness to receive the message rather than the providers ability to deliver.

 

If you OR your partner aren't open to change and/or introspection, does it matter how accomplished the MC is? This was a factor (amongst others ) in the end of my first marriage, my ex simply wasn't receptive to the process. Our MC could have been a combination of Kissinger and Sagan, wouldn't have mattered...

 

Mr. Lucky

[autumnnight]

When I go to any kind of counselor, I always look at their bookshelves. I would like to see these books/authors on my MC's shelf:

 

His Needs, Her Needs

Surviving an Affair

The Passionate Marriage

Not Just Friends

Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend)

 

They can have a bunch of others, but I'd really like to see those.

[OldRover]

OR, don't know the specifics of your situation so please understand this observation isn't directed at you personally.

 

But if marital events drive you to 20 different MC providers, an outside observer might wonder if the issue was more about the participants willingness to receive the message rather than the providers ability to deliver.

 

If you OR your partner aren't open to change and/or introspection, does it matter how accomplished the MC is? This was a factor (amongst others ) in the end of my first marriage, my ex simply wasn't receptive to the process. Our MC could have been a combination of Kissinger and Sagan, wouldn't have mattered...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I don't believe I was much different that others... the 20 was over a period of some 40 years, so that may not be a lot.... there was a time that we went thru about 10 in pretty short order.*Had some problems with the kid, and just no help there. We solved our own problems for that. Some had some good ideas, but basically not much help. We went both together and individually. I can think of one over that time that was worth going back to (plus my current one).

[Tayla]

As unique as our marital problems appear to us, most have heard it all. Where the key is to finding the counselor who can guide us in the right direction is simple. How far are you willing to go to get the results you wish for?

 

Like most things, it takes the participants WILLING to undergo some changes and tools to get them there, and a counselor who has the skills to keep ya from driving off the cliff.

[OldRover]

As unique as our marital problems appear to us, most have heard it all. Where the key is to finding the counselor who can guide us in the right direction is simple. How far are you willing to go to get the results you wish for?

 

Like most things, it takes the participants WILLING to undergo some changes and tools to get them there, and a counselor who has the skills to keep ya from driving off the cliff.

 

You make a good point. Unfortunately, my counseling experience hasn't found many that keeps one from driving off the cliff. And we needed some specialized help, and that was hard to get.

 

However, would like to hear what process others went thru to get a good one.