Am I overreacting?

[dub4502]

I'll get right to it. My girlfriends best friend moved closer to us in May, she was across the country previously. So me and my girl were talking about the area she moved to, it's a popular vacation spot. She mentioned she knew a guy named Joe that lived down there that she had met on tinder last year. Didn't think much of it. She went to visit her, and told me she was going to see what Joe was up to, and try to introduce her to her friend. That didn't happen but I was weary...

 

This past weekend she went to visit her friend Friday, and then we had a wedding Saturday to go to. We were driving Saturday and she asked me to text her friend, sure no problem. Well there's Joe at the top of her text threads. It was my girlfriend asking him where they were going to hang out the night before....again he was unavailable and they didn't go out.

 

So obviously I asked her about this. She got somewhat defensive about it. But again said Jill, i'll use that as her friends name, has a hard time meeting people, she has social anxiety, and still has no friends down here, so I figured I would see if Joe wanted to come get a drink with us and introduce the two.

 

The next day I brought it up again and asked if it was acceptable for me to still be in touch with people I talked to from dating sites, she said I have no need to do that as my friends are either in relationships or have no problem meeting people, and that i'm overreacting and really frustrating her?!?!

 

Now she is very unresponsive and being short with me. Should have I kept this concern to myself? Am I wrong for asking about this? I told her that it makes me feel like she is keeping her options open while with me, why else would she be trying to get another guy to go out with her. I don't know maybe i'm looking at this wrong. Thanks for any input.

[PegNosePete]

Who is this Joe? Some guy she met once, or an actual friend? Did they date or have any history?

[dub4502]

Who is this Joe? Some guy she met once, or an actual friend? Did they date or have any history?

 

She has never met him! They were tinder matches last year, talked a little but through text, she showed me, they never went out, never dated or anything. So essentially just some random tinder guy in her phone....

[lolablue17]

From what i see, she's the one is who overreacting. You only asked her if it's Ok to be in touch with girls that you've met on dating sites and she said NO!

 

Hello?! Excuse me? Double standards?

 

If it was only for humanitarian reasons, it's enough to give Jill's phone to the guy and let him do his work, if he is interested. There is no need for her to be present there at their meeting.

 

But she wants to be there. It's fun. It's fun to drink and hang out with Jill and Joe. She's helping Jill, but on the side she's having fun. So she is very hypocrite.

 

BUT! - You shouldn't be tempted to put yourself in that corner of demanding things from her. let her demand things from you. You can tell her that you've had enough of her ridiculous hypocrite rules. You are so not overreacting and so not controlling by giving her the power to decide:

 

a. It's allowed to hang out with people you know from dating site

b. It's not allowed.

 

The stupid excuses and explanations doesn't hold. If she says it's Ok because she wants to hang out with Joe, , that is exactly what you are going to do - To hang out with people you've known from dating site. And what about old flames of yours? Why not to diversify your social life? Ask her why is she overreacting.

[Spectre]

Tell this girl she isn't cupid, it's not her job to set her friends up with dudes she has never met from friggin Tinder.

 

She also said you can't talk to people from dating sites but she can? It's time to move on, people with double standards like that usually end up cheating.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I don't think she's fully into you. If her & Joe were not friends before, that's a bad sign. I drop it on the surface & stop asking her questions and talking about it. Let her lower her guard. Stay observant. I don't think she's ridden that wave to the end.

[Spectre]

I don't think she's fully into you. If her & Joe were not friends before, that's a bad sign. I drop it on the surface & stop asking her questions and talking about it. Let her lower her guard. Stay observant. I don't think she's ridden that wave to the end.

 

This advice doesn't make sense to me. I mean I guess on one hand it does, but there are various red flags here and I think if he just drops it then it just opens up the chance of him getting hurt even worse. There is no reason to give her time to potentially bang this other dude or otherwise meet up with him.

 

If he is going to stay with her this needs to be addressed, her reaction to it will speak volumes and tell the OP all he needs to know. If she gets all defensive over it there is a problem. Either something is going on with this guy or she just doesn't feel her behavior is inappropriate. Each of those options makes her not really gf material, especially when you toss in the double standards.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[Poppyolive]

Obviously there is something there with joe. Even though they didn't meet, hook up or date, they both swiped right - fancied each other. Then they had chats. That's how Tinder works. Then you meet up or there is some flakiness uncertainty along the way, the meet never happens.

 

So for her to be in touch with joe, is in my eyes overstepping a boundary. What are you going to do about that? You find it unacceptable, she doesn't, she's now being short with you. You can't keep going back and forth. Trying to get her to see it from your point. You also can't go demanding her to delete number, not talk to him etc. You'll go blue in the face of you do that.

 

It's very simple. She knows its hurt and upset you. She knows that you think it's unacceptable. However, she doesn't care to stop, she's making excuses (its for her friend etc) and now being short with you. Which can manipulate you into thinking & saying its OK. Or comprising, leaning more on her side.

 

If she truly cared for you and your relationship, she would at least sympathise with you and offer to meet in the middle, whatever that may be. But she's not. See this as she doesn't respect your relationship.

 

I'd have one final, mature, no accusing, non arguementative conversation, if she doesn't budge, then you either let her see/speak to this guy that she fancies and he fancies her or stick to your boundary and finish your non working relationship.

[dub4502]

This advice doesn't make sense to me. I mean I guess on one hand it does, but there are various red flags here and I think if he just drops it then it just opens up the chance of him getting hurt even worse. There is no reason to give her time to potentially bang this other dude or otherwise meet up with him.

 

If he is going to stay with her this needs to be addressed, her reaction to it will speak volumes and tell the OP all he needs to know. If she gets all defensive over it there is a problem. Either something is going on with this guy or she just doesn't feel her behavior is inappropriate. Each of those options makes her not really gf material, especially when you toss in the double standards.

 

Thanks all for the input.

 

Spectre I have spoke to her twice now about it, both times she got very defensive claiming she has done nothing wrong, and that I am overreacting, actually at the moment she's not speaking to me because she is frustrated I asked about it twice. She says we've been together 8 months, and this is a sign that i don't trust her!?! I don't know what her intention with this guys is, as she showed me the text convo and the only time she speaks with him is when she is with her friend that lives in the same town as him, first time asking about a good bar to go out to, second time asking if hes coming out, this is several months apart, last she talked to him was last August.

[Spectre]

First off 8 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Her getting defensive over it after you merely asking twice is a big red flag and pretty much tells you all you need to know. You had every right to ask that simple question to her. Throw the 8 months back in her face, tell her after that long you should be able to ask a question without her flipping out and not talking to you. You asked twice, not 20 times. How old is she?

[quadfang]

First off 8 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Her getting defensive over it after you merely asking twice is a big red flag and pretty much tells you all you need to know. You had every right to ask that simple question to her. Throw the 8 months back in her face, tell her after that long you should be able to ask a question without her flipping out and not talking to you. You asked twice, not 20 times. How old is she?

 

She's 31, has two children, though that doesn't mean anything. I'm 30.

[Spectre]

It's strange to me for a mother of two to behave in this manner because she seemed to be acting like a girl fresh out of high school. What is the situation with the father of the kids?

[quadfang]

It's strange to me for a mother of two to behave in this manner because she seemed to be acting like a girl fresh out of high school. What is the situation with the father of the kids?

 

I thought the same thing, especially because I am close to the kids. We have a vacation with the kids on a few weeks...

 

As for the ex they are cordial to each other. They don't necessarily get along though. Buttt the divorce isn't finalized yet, they've barely started the process...

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Actions speak louder than words. I'd rather catch a cheater in the act, then get BSs with lies.

[lolablue17]

I don't think you shouldn't trust her. But she's hypocrite. Don't take the demanding side. Don't ask her to do or nor to do anything. Tell her that she is right, and there is no problem hanging out with someone from tinder. But it goes both ways. AND FINISH THE CON!

 

Let her be coming to you asking you what do you mean, and you will not answer. Refuse to cooperate and talk about it. Tell her that she was the one who got mad because you tried to talk about it. So now all of a sudden she wants to talk? No!

 

be vague, and don't explain your intentions. Reverse the situation. Let her come to you.

[Spectre]

I thought the same thing, especially because I am close to the kids. We have a vacation with the kids on a few weeks...

 

As for the ex they are cordial to each other. They don't necessarily get along though. Buttt the divorce isn't finalized yet, they've barely started the process...

 

Just seems odd they are barely starting on the divorce. If she truly loved you she'd want the divorce asap.

 

Actions speak louder than words. I'd rather catch a cheater in the act, then get BSs with lies.

 

Actions do speak louder then words, but in this case her words are loud enough to warrant ending it. The double standard and the lying are unacceptable, doesn't matter if he has no proof she has physically been with him. No reason to stick around and let this girl make a fool of him.

 

This is a 31 yr. old woman with 2 kids getting all defensive over some dude she never met on Tinder. That just screams "abort, abort" to me. I mean this is like if someone tells you that they are going to go get a gun and come back and shoot you and you decide to wait there until they come back just to make sure they are actually going to shoot you.

Edited August 24, 2015 by Spectre

[dub4502]

Just seems odd they are barely starting on the divorce. If she truly loved you she'd want the divorce asap.

 

 

 

Actions do speak louder then words, but in this case her words are loud enough to warrant ending it. The double standard and the lying are unacceptable, doesn't matter if he has no proof she has physically been with him. No reason to stick around and let this girl make a fool of him.

 

This is a 31 yr. old woman with 2 kids getting all defensive over some dude she never met on Tinder. That just screams "abort, abort" to me. I mean this is like if someone tells you that they are going to go get a gun and come back and shoot you and you decide to wait there until they come back just to make sure they are actually going to shoot you.

 

Yea I feel like i'm getting played and going to get burned in the long run. I told her I almost feel like i'm a filler until something better comes along, at that point she did reassure that's not the case. Maybe I should just end it, I don't know if i'll be able to take this kind of behavior on the regular.

[Space Ritual]

Young Man,

 

 

You are being gaslighted. Obviously her actions are not lining up with her words. I am afraid her attempts at deflection were pretty transparent. Now she isn't talking to you over this? Yeah she has something to hide. Dump her like today.

[qubist]

Yea I feel like i'm getting played and going to get burned in the long run. I told her I almost feel like i'm a filler until something better comes along, at that point she did reassure that's not the case. Maybe I should just end it, I don't know if i'll be able to take this kind of behavior on the regular.

 

What if you are just overreacting? Most importantly what if you are insecure?

Some people can get offended by accusation and you should be ok with that? Are you a jealous type? Did you have similar thoughts in your previous relationships?

I you like you GF and can see a future with her you should talk to her, but nicely without any attacks or accusations, put in in a way that you need her help to be secure, tell her that you are willing to work on yourself but need her help, then ask for honesty and clearness. Most of the women would get offended if you just atack but somehow ( can't explain why) they would take it if you come from a needy perspective. Trust me if she cares about you she would do what it takes to help you but if she doesn't care you will find out too.

[lolablue17]

Yea I feel like i'm getting played and going to get burned in the long run. I told her I almost feel like i'm a filler until something better comes along, at that point she did reassure that's not the case. Maybe I should just end it, I don't know if i'll be able to take this kind of behavior on the regular.

 

Just keep calm.

 

Every couple has fights and arguments over boundaries, struggles for control, limits, rules, ect... Not every fight means automatically a break up.

 

Another thing - be patient. Don't try to make her declare here and now that she made a mistake and swear she will never do it again. let her process your attitude, she may think that she's right exactly as you think you're right. You love her. She loves you. Don't forget that.

 

Even if she tried to get away with it, and hang out with Joe on the side, she understand that you're not Ok with it. If you see that she ignores your feelings completely in the future about it and will hang out with him and stepping all over you, than it's a red flag.

[Learningtowalkagain]

She's interested in Joe. The Jill social anxiety angle is a load of bs. Joe is her DOD (Dong on Deck). Every girl...well most...have one. It's the guy they keep close to them in case it doesn't work out with their current boyfriend.

 

If you like her that much I'd have a talk to her in a non threatening non jealous way. If you're iffy on the relationship I'd cut ties.

 

Her asking him what he was doing is a huge no no. The Jill angle just screams shady.

[PegNosePete]

She says we've been together 8 months, and this is a sign that i don't trust her!?!

It's a sign she is not trust-worthy. It's really, really weird to try to introduce a friend, to someone you matched with on tinder. That whole concept is simply freakily weird. Why on earth would anyone do that? She doesn't know who this guy is, she knows nothing about him, she has never met him! He could be all kinds of weird, could be a dirty old man using someone else's photo, could be a bunch of giggling schoolgirls. Why on earth would anyone try to set their friend up with someone they don't even know? It's very, very weird and I suspect you're not getting the full story here.

[Try]

Yea I feel like i'm getting played and going to get burned in the long run. I told her I almost feel like i'm a filler until something better comes along, at that point she did reassure that's not the case. Maybe I should just end it, I don't know if i'll be able to take this kind of behavior on the regular.

As of now she and Joe are the only ones talking to each other. She and Joe are the only ones getting to know each other better. Should she succeed in getting to meet Joe, Joe will be going because he wants to meet your girlfriend and not her friend. So how is that helping your girlfriend's friend? It is not and your girlfriend knows it. Trust your gut. She is playing you. This situation only proves that she is not long term relationship material. She has two children with someone else and has weak boundaries. Run.

[Spectre]

Yea I feel like i'm getting played and going to get burned in the long run. I told her I almost feel like i'm a filler until something better comes along, at that point she did reassure that's not the case. Maybe I should just end it, I don't know if i'll be able to take this kind of behavior on the regular.

 

I think yeah you should end it because I don't think it is worth it. I'm not saying it's 100% impossible that nothing would happen with this Joe guy, but the problem is she lied about it and even worse though she did the "I can do it but you can't" which to me shows a person who lacks the maturity to be in a relationship. Which is astounding because she is a mother of two and is still playing games and talking to dudes on Tinder.

 

I'd say cut your losses, there are plenty of women on this planet and honestly I don't think a single one is worth the hassle and the potential for being hurt if they play games like this. I don't care how hot they are or how nice or great a person they might appear to be..when it comes to matters of the heart for me, it's always better to just cut your losses. It's risk vs reward.

[Lois_Griffin]

She says we've been together 8 months, and this is a sign that i don't trust her!?! I don't know what her intention with this guys is, as she showed me the text convo and the only time she speaks with him is when she is with her friend that lives in the same town as him, first time asking about a good bar to go out to, second time asking if hes coming out, this is several months apart, last she talked to him was last August.

Who the hell goes to all this trouble to stay in touch with someone she met on a hookup site and never even MET in real life, and tries to keep connecting with him in person when she's in his town?

 

She's not kidding anyone.