Could he be cheating?

[aurora8202]

When my husband and I got married, I was starting school online and the computer was supplied to me but I was not allowed to download or install any software onto it and my husband knew this. We had also discussed a lot of things, including porn, before we got married. I told him I have no problem with porn as long as it is used together or possibly sometimes when I'm not available, as long as he doesn't hide it from me. After a couple months I started runnning into porn and other downloaded programs hidden on my computer. When I confronted him, he told me that he didn't remember why he did it and that he has a problem with lying and he doesn't know why he does things, he just does them. The problem with lying was believable to me, but NOT not remembering. So after this happened numerous times I put a password on the computer. He got angry with me, but I ignored it.

 

After a few weeks, he begged me to let him use the computer and told me how could I learn to trust him again if I didn't give him a chance to prove that I could trust him? So I let him and the same thing continued. Once he masturbated to porn every morning before work so often to the point that he didn't orgasm during sex with me anymore. So I changed the password and told him he's off for good. Now he only uses it while I am with him. When I'm not there, he can't use it. So instead, the other night, while I had our kids at my parents to visit, he rented a porn from the video store instead, and then tried to hide it behind the tv. Which is completely stupid because I keep track of the money and budget it and he knows that, he's not good with money, so we agreed to it. So he had to have known that I would find out. When I asked where the money was, he tried to lie to me, but messed up what he was saying and had to tell the truth. I am sick of his lying. He even had the nerve to ask me for access to the computer again, saying that he wanted to prove I could trust him.

 

Which doesn't add up. If he has a problem lying and can't control what he does and doesn't remember what he isn't supposed to do, as he tells me, then how can he prove that I can trust him when it is apparently "out of his control"? So he told me he needs help and I told him to talk to a psyhiatrist. He said he would, but has made no move to do so. He knows how to find one, I see one myself for depression, so we've gone through it before.

 

Our sex life has been much better since I kicked him off the computer. As good as it was before we got married and before I had kids. But he still has problems telling me what he likes and answering personal questions about himself. I tell him everything about myself and he always tells me "I don't know" or "I can't remember" when I ask him about his sexual fantasies or things he's done in the past. It's driving me nuts, I feel like I'd have better luck talking to a wall. I'm sick of it, I feel like something is missing and I'm not happy. I've even started fantasizing about other men that I know and wondered what it would be like to go and meet up with one. And I've never considered cheating before.

 

There is one thing he is doing and I'm not sure if it is a problem or not. We used to work together before I had our second baby and we were always at work just on time, never early. Then when I quit to stay home, while he had access to the computer, he never left early for work either. But now that he hasn't been able to use it, I've been noticing that he leaves earlier and earlier for work. Sometimes 45 minutes early (its a five minute drive). He insists to me that he just likes to get there early to relax before work, but he used to tell me that he would rather relax at home and get to work just in time to start work. Am I right in thinking something is up and he's lying to me?? Could he be cheating on me? Or am I being paranoid?

 

I don't know. At this point, I really want to leave him. I've gone through enough bad relationships to know that this isn't working and I'm not happy. But I still keep making excuses for him and hoping he can get help. I just don't know how I feel anymore most days and don't really want to be with him. I feel like I deserve better.

 

But I was a single mother before we got married with my first son and if I leave him, I will have to be one again with two and I know how much work it is. Because that is the one thing he is really good with: our kids. He always gets up in the middle of the night to let me sleep. I would probably end up living with my parents for a while. I also would have to get a job and stick them both in daycare, which I hated when my first son was in one because he used to cry and cling to me every single time I left him and I felt so guilty. He would come home with new habits such as biting and hitting from the daycare. But at the same time, I really don't want to be with him anymore. I'm sick of being hurt everytime a new lie comes to the surface. And there always are more.

 

Any advice???

[overseas2004]

Life is full of choices and sometimes you have to give up something to get something. In otherwords, if you really want to be away from him that much then you will have to sacrifice something to get that.....

 

But back up a little bit. Ok so he is looking at porn (actually it sounds like he is obsessed by it) and he is going to work earlier probably to look at porn. I dont know why he is doing it and I dont know how to get him to stop it. But there were some questions I had while I was reading your letter that I think you should be asking yourself.

 

1. Why are you so eager to leave this marriage. The transgression is bad, and I dont like it, but minor for such a reaction ... Dont ya think? Part of the problem with marriages today is that they are easily disposable. That is why the whole country is divorced. I would if I were you rethink this. Hasnt it occured to you even once that it may be too extreme a reaction?

 

2. There is a reason for his increased interest in porn. I dont know what it is? It may be the fact that he is going through mid life... Or it may be that the spark is gone from the marriage. But rather than throwing it all away... or treating him like a little kid, why dont you try bringing back the spark in your relationship and/ or communicating with him about why this is happening? AND trying to help him. It sounds like he has some kind of problem. Although warning, I think your society (that is American society) is too quick to send people to the psychiatrist. They usually are crazy themselves... and they rarely ever help.

 

3. It struck me while I was reading this that there is an element of the bad boy in all of this. I dont know why but he wants to be caught I believe. There is something in his subconcious ... Why dont you try having some fun with this instead of getting all upset.

 

4. As far as is he having an affair? I dont know, but I think you need some more evidence to go there. So far you just have the porn which is pretty minor.

[scarlyjones]

First of all,....you need to go to your purse, take his balls out and hand them back to him. You sound like you are the most controlling person on the face of the earth. If you hadnt mentioned the word "husband" one could have thought you were talking about a 9 year old. Sounds to me like you have a classic "yes dear" husband who lies to you to avoid hearing you bitch. I mean the mere fact that you noticed a whopping $3 or $4 missing from your budget that he spent on porn. Geez,....loosen that grip on the pennies for God Sake. Let the guy have some porn. Or watch with him,.....maybe if you werent ruling "with an iron fist" so much he wouldnt be "afraid of you" and thus,...not lie so much.

[candamar]

People lie to protect themselves from the consequenses of their actions, regardless of the situation or morality of it. He could be lying because :-

 

1 - He is cheating on you.

2 - He has an unhealthy addiction to porn, accessing it and masturbating at every opportunity no matter where he is.

3 - He has a normal, healthy, harmless and natural inquisitiveness in porn but is sick and tired of being berated and scolded like a naughty child for having it.

 

My thoughts err toward the latter.

 

Give the man a break, after all, he is human.

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by candamar

People lie to protect themselves from the consequenses of their actions, regardless of the situation or morality of it. He could be lying because :-

 

1 - He is cheating on you.

2 - He has an unhealthy addiction to porn, accessing it and masturbating at every opportunity no matter where he is.

3 - He has a normal, healthy, harmless and natural inquisitiveness in porn but is sick and tired of being berated and scolded like a naughty child for having it.

 

My thoughts err toward the latter.

 

Give the man a break, after all, he is human.

 

AMEN

[Lonestar]

Damn, girl! Are you his wife or his mother? If I was with someone as controlling as you, I'd either leave, or stay and cheat if I was too lazy to leave. You need to back off, and let the man have his porn. Who's it hurting? Join the fun.

[magda]

Originally posted by aurora8202

Because that is the one thing he is really good with: our kids.

Oh yeah, he sounds like a GREAT influence on the kids.

[candamar]

In addition, if you continue to belittle this man by controlling his life physically, emotionally, sexually and financially he WILL eventually snap. He'll either have a breakdown and be unable to cope with the fundamental basics of life itself or he will prove you right and seek an affair with someone who makes him feel good about himself.

[overseas2004]

I think that everyone on here has been a bit unfair. Yes she is a bit controlling and yes she treats him like a kid. Its true. But he has a sick addiction to porn according to her words. HE IS GOING TO WORK EARLY folks so he can m*asturbate instead of having sex with her. He obviously needs help and is going off the deep end.

 

So cut her some slack....

[FolderWife]

I doubt he's leaving fourty five minutes early to cheat on you. Why don't you just call the office ten minutes after he leaves in the morning and make sure that he's there?

 

He's probably going in fourty five minutes early, so he can get on his work computer and watch porn.

 

He sounds like a text book addict to me. He needs help.

[the_singularity]

....in the real world guys like Levin in Anna Karenina do not exist... We are stuck with the many Oblonskys...

 

In my opinion, I truly believe that you need to leave him. After all marriage is a commitment to love and cherish each other. He obviously doesn't respect/love you enough to cease the pain he is causing you. I don't care what anyone says, if you feel that this is considered cheating it is cheating. (Looking at naked girls and masturbating would definitely be considered as cheating in my book). Also ask yourself this, do you want to be with someone that doesn't desire you?

 

I find him extremely base and selfish....indulgent in his own desires and not a care for your feelings. No matter what these guys tell you, if he cheats on you, it is not your fault. No one forces another to cheat - it is a decision made of their own accord.

 

Unless he changes which, I don't believe he will I strongly believe that you should leave him. I don't think it is wise to change who he is because it is difficult for people to change. I don't think you should expect it either. A person cannot be something they are not. I honestly believe that if you stay, you will be miserable.

 

Anyway... good luck...

 

With sincere empathy

K.

 

Wish I could help in some other way....

[harleygirl92156]

My husband started going to work 45 minutes to an hour early every morning too. When I questioned him he said he just liked to relax and have some coffee and read the paper in peace and quiet before he started his work day. Made sense to me as I would enjoy the same thing. What he forgot to mention was that time was also spent as quiet time with the woman he was having an affair with. This went on for a year and I was none the wiser. So watch it. I started checking up on him and was surprised what I found out. Trust your instincts......follow him or check up on him some way. Bet you find he is cheating.

[scarlyjones]

Monday,...if she starts calling the office to CHECK on him,...............then shes only FEEDING her controling nature.....you said it yourself,.........hes more than likely NOT leaving 45 min early to cheat.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Here is something I posted from another thread that I found applicable here:

 

Any guy would be more into porn, if he feels there is nothing wrong with what he's doing and the only alternative for sex is a woman who constantly harasses him about something he feels that is perfectly normal. No guy wants to make love to a woman who constantly gives him grief and causes problems in the relationship over something that he feels is normal and natural for him. The more grief and problems that are caused by the issue, the less he will want to be intimate with her. Sex becomes rote obligation as he distances himself emotionally. The sex in the brain dies to a hum, and sex becomes nothing more than a genital sneeze. A reaction to stimulation. No love. No affection. That is what buried anger does to him.

 

The less intimate he is with her, the more time and attention he will turn toward a source of sexual pleasure that exists for no other purpose but his pleasure. Porn does not nag. Porn does not argue. Porn does not come with obligations or demands. True, porn doesn't provide intimacy, but no man can feel intimate with a woman he has buried anger and hostility toward. So, when given the choice between lovemaking and intimacy with a wife that he is angry with, and porn - he will go for the instant gratification at the expense of the intimacy. The price for intimacy, in his mind simply isn't worth it to him anymore.

 

A man does not want to pleasure a woman for whom he has a great deal of pent up anger and frustration toward. So, he turns to porn. Pretty soon, porn begins to replace his sexual response patterns, and he finds that his wife no longer turns him on as his emotional distance grows - he is programming himself slowly to be turned on by a different stimuli. Then, he relies on it. The wife is stuck alone and puzzled why he can't just love her and turn off the porn. The husband buries his anger and hostility toward her deeper and deeper, and gets to the point where he can't even get it up for her anymore.

 

Anger. Hostility. Frustration. Those are your problems. Porn is the escape from them, which can turn into an addictive trap.

 

It may start as casual porn use, but the harder you push the issue - the more he will escape into it until he can't function sexually without it. Work with him to form compromises. Don't work against him to force him to do only what works for you. A refusal to accept how he might be feeling, and a refusal to look at the problem from more than one angle is a refusal to fix the problem. You can't fix something unless you can see all sides of it. Even the ones you don't like.

 

Compromise, communication, understanding of motivations (even when you don't agree with them) - those are your answers.

[PatientOne]

It seems to have gone unnoticed, but this retard was downloading porn onto a computer that was given to his wife for school work. No wonder she has to treat him like a child. What a moron.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe, in his mind - he didn't think he was doing anything that bad.

 

I think it was bad. She thinks it was bad. You think it was bad. But... if the husband doesn't think its bad, then therein lies the problem. I don't think anyone here would disagree that locking up her school computer was a good idea. But what we think doesn't matter. The only thing that is going to matter is reconciling what she thinks about it with what her husband thinks about it.

 

It is all too easy to say "who cares what he thinks, he was wrong!" - but... it won't get anywhere in solving the problem these two have. Part of solving a problem means having to acknowledge the other person's argument, no matter how bad or wrong it may seem. You don't have to agree with it, just acknowledge it. There's a reason "know thine enemy" strikes so true. Ignoring or bulldozing someone else's argument (no matter how weak or wrong of an argument it is) won't make it go away. Acknowledging it, and talking about it openly will allow for a greater chance of compromise - and will help to vent buried hostility and frustration. He isn't truthful with her, because he feels he can't be. once he feels that he can talk truthfully to her: without punishment, without judgment, and without harsh penalty - then, and only then will they be able to dissect this problem, and work toward fixing it. If he has a porn addiction deriving from his buried anger and hostility toward his wife, it won't be solved by having it forced into hiding.

 

I can completely understand the motivations in this case, on both sides of the fence.

[Vaneszah]

I know where your coming from exactly. I have a son from a previous relationship and was a single mum. Then I met this guy ( my boyfriend ) and am 7 months pregnant. He has always lied to me aswell and he still does. He also cheated on me and got his ex pregnant. Its just one thing after another!! I also am scared to leave and be a single mum again cause he is great with kids and i know he wil be a big help. Dont think I can go through the stress of single parenting again either! Take care!

[Luxie]

i'm a little late on this but i just needed to give the OP a heads up that she is NOT being a controlling person here. I agree- the guy acts like a child, if she wants to salvage her own life she turns to treating him like one. not her fault.