HansonGirl Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 I want to ask a guy i know to lunch because i think he is cool and i want to get to know him better. But i am very shy and i almost never initiate such invitations even with girls. And i am also concerned he might think im asking him out on a date which isnt the case. I am not thinking us going to lunch means a date. I just want to make friends. I have talked to him but i want to chat one on one. Now im already overthinking it and nervous. Best to rip the bandaid quickly. And also what if he interprets it was a group idea i want to talk to just him. I enjoy one on one get togethers way more. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 can you start with something less "formal" than lunch? like a coffee? something quick, where it won't seem date-ish. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Well, do you talk to him on the regular? Cuz that will make it super easy. I mean, if you two are chatting just mention it casually... Be like "Oh, have you ever had lunch at X?", "Well, you ought check it out, they have great sandwiches" BTW, I was gonna go there in the next few days, wanna come with?" I mean don't just walk up to him and ask him out, do it casually, in the middle of a convo or something.... Good luck!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Yeah, I think working it into a conversation is the way to go. Although, lunch does seem very date-ish. Can you think of something that's more of like, an activity? Something he might do with guy friends? Shoot hoops, play pool, watch a game? When you do invite him out, I think it would be perfectly fine to add, "Not like a date, just as friends." Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 When you do invite him out, I think it would be perfectly fine to add, "Not like a date, just as friends." Yes, I think it's almost a necessity to be that direct. Almost everything else about it is going to be ambiguous, which means he's likely to lean in the direction of interpreting it as a "date" unless you are very direct and clear. For example, your preference to do it one-on-one, and not as a group. Sure, YOU are clear why that is, but from the outside: looks more like a date. So I think you need to be clear and unambiguous from the start. And even then, he may still want to sleep with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 (edited) Isn't it funny that with SOME guys you can do it, and it's not misinterpreted, but then other guys do read it as a date. for example when i was in grad school, I'd contact my guy friend, Mark, and we'd go out and study together in the coffee shop one on one, and it was totally just a friend thing and that was very clear, and it wasn't awkward in the least. I did the same to a different guy, Bill, I considered a friend and he acted weird about it, and actually invited a bunch of people to join us. that was fine but i could tell he was uncomfortable. i never asked him again and never really felt like he and i were friends. we fell out of touch. and yet a third guy friend, George, would always tell me how he and i should hang out and study together this weekend, or whatnot, and then i'd contact him asking if he wanted to and he evaded it (i only asked maybe twice). And then there are those girls who know how to do it and it's not weird. even Bill would hang out with them one-on-one, and recall that and it made me feel mad, like wtf. anyways, i ramble. PS the reason i'd like to have a one-on-one with this particular guy is that he's going to be moving soon, and i feel like he's cool and i want to at least talk to him before he leaves. i feel like we've clicked before. would it be ok to tell him something like that if i actually "formally" invite him? a lot of people don't like the last minute let's go to lunch thing - i know i don't. I just feel i haven't made much of a connection with a lot of people where i am currently leaving and i'd hate for him to leave without like getting to know him. i just have a feeling he's going to move and i'll never see him again. then i'll have zero friendships from this town. Edited August 25, 2015 by HansonGirl Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Well, probably because most guys only hang around girls that they see potential with regardless of friendly/date vibes. Not all, but most. Generally, just go up and ask. It's that easy! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Do you have reasons to be around him at lunch time? If so, I'd say something like "I'm going to go grab a bite at XYZ café, wanna come?" If you don't have reason to be around him & have to schedule this lunch, send an email, like "Hey, let's catch up. Would you be free to meet me for lunch this week? I was thinking about xyz café. Let me know if that works for you." Here's the thing about dates. Date is simply a scary emotional word for a meeting between two people whose purpose is to enable them to get to know each other. Making friends with somebody before deciding to date them leads to confusion & gets people friend-zoned. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 Do you have reasons to be around him at lunch time? If so, I'd say something like "I'm going to go grab a bite at XYZ café, wanna come?" If you don't have reason to be around him & have to schedule this lunch, send an email, like "Hey, let's catch up. Would you be free to meet me for lunch this week? I was thinking about xyz café. Let me know if that works for you." Here's the thing about dates. Date is simply a scary emotional word for a meeting between two people whose purpose is to enable them to get to know each other. Making friends with somebody before deciding to date them leads to confusion & gets people friend-zoned. I never considered the scary emotional part. I just assumed they dont like me in that way and feel weird about thinking im persuing them. Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You know, with all this anxiety you're showing about asking this guy to grab lunch it could be easily inferred that you do have interest in him. So much fretting over sharing a meal time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 25, 2015 Author Share Posted August 25, 2015 You know, with all this anxiety you're showing about asking this guy to grab lunch it could be easily inferred that you do have interest in him. So much fretting over sharing a meal time. I have social anxiety. Hopefully i am not "showing" it. To him that is Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 You may be without knowing it. Honestly, if he's any sort of person you'd like to get to know, he won't mind the anxiety if you're looking for a friend. Friends (and lovers) are people who accept you, or should anyways. It's a good test to see if he's compatible as a friend simply by doing the asking. If he weirds out or whatever just shrug it off. I dealt with awful social anxiety when I was younger. To the point of shaking when meeting new co-workers or anything really. I would rather just not go outside and face the possibility of interaction. For me, the only way that I overcame this was that I realized what I was feeling was anxiety. The anxiety in reality was unreasonable in its existence and not anything to logically worry about and pushed through it. Eventually it subsided for the most part. It rears its ugly head when I meet girls that actually spark my interest and I end up staring at the floor asking if they like bread and wear shoes.* * I don't really ask those things but the awkwardness cam be summed up thusly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 I never considered the scary emotional part. I just assumed they dont like me in that way and feel weird about thinking im persuing them. I meant it was scary & emotional for you but it shouldn't be. If you pursued somebody in the past & they didn't respond, you are correct they probably didn't like you in that way. Here since the guy's leaving mention that in the ask & say you just wanted to spend time with a friend before he left. Much clearer Link to post Share on other sites
simpleguycomplicated Posted August 25, 2015 Share Posted August 25, 2015 Hi HansonGirl, It sounds like you're quite a shy and reserved kind of person, and yeah it is true that some guys will take that to mean something more than it actually is, but it sounds like there's something about this guy that you like enough to want to pursue a friendship, so hopefully it won't end up like that. I think you should zero in on a common interest and just ask him. From personal experience I've had girls do the same thing with me and I never took it to mean that they wanted anything more than friends unless it was made blatantly obvious to me (physical contact, obvious relationship questions etc). I think if you keep the conversation in line with that of a friendship then you should be fine. It's always nice to forge new friendships regardless of what gender you are, and in my experience a lot of people seem to relate to the opposite sex better than their own. Good luck, Matty. Link to post Share on other sites
Tailor2000 Posted August 26, 2015 Share Posted August 26, 2015 Look, the reason why some guys think there's something more when there isn't, is because the lines aren't drawn. You haven't filled in the blanks. In our minds, we have no idea what's going on. We see someone taking an interest and we're not quite sure why. Be direct, perhaps "Now this isn't a date, but fancy getting some lunch?" or something. I don't know. I would respond to it. And I would be reassured to know where the boundaries are without thinking - hrm, is she coming on to me? should I respond? Hehe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HansonGirl Posted August 26, 2015 Author Share Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Look, the reason why some guys think there's something more when there isn't, is because the lines aren't drawn. You haven't filled in the blanks. In our minds, we have no idea what's going on. We see someone taking an interest and we're not quite sure why. Be direct, perhaps "Now this isn't a date, but fancy getting some lunch?" or something. I don't know. I would respond to it. And I would be reassured to know where the boundaries are without thinking - hrm, is she coming on to me? should I respond? Hehe. well something happened to change my mind entirely about asking him to do anything. I think he's arrogant and he thinks I like him. this is because he and a few other people are leaving. I asked each one individually about when they are available if throw a get-together. he's the only one who ASSUMED I was going to throw the party for him. And he "reminded" me that others are leaving too. The funny thing about it is that I was not shy about asking him because I didnt think there was anything to be misinterpreted. I am closer with one of the other people in fact, and that guy hadn't assumed I just meant him. That made me feel embarrassed. He didn't just ASK if this party was for everyone, he just automatically assumed I was wanting to throw him a party, just for him. That tiny thing sort of made me change my mind entirely. I am not so sure I even want to do lunch now. Am I overreacting? Why the hell would I take on the duty of throwing HIM a party, I am still in shock that he made that assumption. who would do that?! unless it was like a significant other? the weird thing is that he has a close female friend who would call him up all the time and basically treat him like her husband but he wouldn't bat an eyelash at her doing that (no they aren't doing anything, and i don't even think she's his type necessarily) but how come he automatically assumes that's the case with me?! Edited August 26, 2015 by HansonGirl Link to post Share on other sites
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