A ranty venty thing

[JB1013]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, I have no idea where I fit in with this stuff anymore.

So, I had an affair 6 years ago. It lasted 4 months and ended in dramatic fashion. I was heartbroken when it ended and left my husband for about a month and a half while I figured out what was going on with me and what I wanted. My husband was obviously hurt and angry but insisted he wanted to work things out, that he didn't want to lose me, and that he could forgive me. We went to counselling separately and together and eventually decided to try and make it work. Two years later we had our first child and had a second last year.

But I'm not happy. I'm angry. I feel lied to. I know that I screwed up and I own that. I made the decision to stay and I'm all in. Committed. But I'm still enduring the random sulky moods, the snide comments here and there and just generally feel disliked. And if he's had a bit to drink, I'm definitely walking on eggshells. Things have never really been the same and it makes me so sad that I might never feel really loved again. I feel like if you want to forgive me and make it work, then DO THAT. I don't think I deserve a life sentence.

Rant over. Has anyone else gone through this? Does it get better?

[Shinebrightforever]

I commend you for doing the counseling together. sorry this is happening. Do you think he'd consider going back to MC? Sounds like he may have unresolved issues still that he hasn't let go of.

[bathtub-row]

It sounds like your husband just generally makes you miserable. This is not likely to change. You could probably save yourself years of more misery by leaving this marriage.

[Lula Belle]

I've been that betrayed spouse. It is hard. He likely still feels hurt and anger over it. It's a hard hard feeling to have, and it's hard to trust again. The relationship is changed after an affair.

[bathtub-row]

I've been that betrayed spouse. It is hard. He likely still feels hurt and anger over it. It's a hard hard feeling to have, and it's hard to trust again. The relationship is changed after an affair.

 

You may be right, but I'm guessing that this misery she feels being with her H is nothing new and it probably existed pre-affair.

[waterwoman]

Ultimatum time I think. Tell him what you said here. Ask him to revisit the choice he had to make 4 years ago. No-one deserves to live like a perpetual criminal.

 

However FWIW it really isn't as simple as 'he made his choice, he should just suck it up'. What happened will always hurt, all he can hope is that the hurt fades and better times eclipse the bad times. If he is angry and you are resentful, that won't happen.

 

Can I just ask whether you were remorseful and expressed this to him? Or was his desire to have you back so strong you didn't need to be? He will have wanted to see you make a huge effort to show you loved and wanted him. Your post suggests that perhaps you were less than enthusiastic?

[NewLeaf512]

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place, I have no idea where I fit in with this stuff anymore.

So, I had an affair 6 years ago. It lasted 4 months and ended in dramatic fashion. I was heartbroken when it ended and left my husband for about a month and a half while I figured out what was going on with me and what I wanted. My husband was obviously hurt and angry but insisted he wanted to work things out, that he didn't want to lose me, and that he could forgive me. We went to counselling separately and together and eventually decided to try and make it work. Two years later we had our first child and had a second last year.

But I'm not happy. I'm angry. I feel lied to. I know that I screwed up and I own that. I made the decision to stay and I'm all in. Committed. But I'm still enduring the random sulky moods, the snide comments here and there and just generally feel disliked. And if he's had a bit to drink, I'm definitely walking on eggshells. Things have never really been the same and it makes me so sad that I might never feel really loved again. I feel like if you want to forgive me and make it work, then DO THAT. I don't think I deserve a life sentence.

Rant over. Has anyone else gone through this? Does it get better?

 

 

I have never been a BW so please take what I offer with a HUGE grain of salt. You are right. at what point does something become the past and at what point does the A have to stop being a stick to beat you with? I'm not sure how common this is, the other BS will be able to advise but, what I do know is this. 6 years is a LONG time on a 4 month A and at some point people need to forgive (not forget) and move forward. It sounds like you have a nice family and maybe MC could help. I'm sorry I don't have more to advise.

[Giggle]

I was a BS but he left me for her so I can't say how I'd be feeling years later. Funny though because I had thought the A was over at one point and I felt like I'd let it go.

 

My friend though is going through the same thing as you. 5 years in, he still makes comments and randomly treats her like she is never to be forgiven or trusted. If he couldn't move past it, he should have let her go. I think he likes the torrenting her better.

[gettingstronger]

I am wondering what the convo was like when you two decided to reconcile- did he promise to never bring it up again- if so, that was unrealistic-

 

The best thing to do is to talk about how all this makes you feel and again see if he is willing to work on the marriage so its one where you are both happy and secure-

 

Reconciliation is a long, slow process and takes a ton of work from both parties- so you two need to decide if its the right thing for you-

 

I don't think its fair for either of you to be in a marriage thats unhealthy-

 

Talk it over, again and again until you two can come to an understanding-

[the_artist_1970]

Well I was a BS. It has been 7 years since my DH had an A, and I would never throw it up in his face. He has worked very hard to redeem himself and it wouldn't be fair for me to make him relive his past. If you DH is still throwing it up in your face maybe he is just one of those ppl who can't forgive an A. It's not fair to you if you have worked really hard to be a good W and mother. I think it's time for a serious heart to heart talk with him.

[ladydesigner]

(((JB1013))) I am wondering if your BS needs IC to help. I too feel like it's been a long time to be feeling that way. From what you wrote you sound like a remorseful spouse who wants a good healthy marriage. I would have given anything to have a remorseful spouse. Mine was not.

 

Can you communicate how you feel to your BS without him getting upset? If not I would suggest a counselor to help him communicate better.

[JohnAdams]

Perhaps he has never seen true remorse from you. Being sorry and remorse are two completely different things. If he does not see true remorse he will likely never get over it. So, what is remorse? He will know it when he sees it, but you need to truly understand the pain you caused him. A betrayal on the magnitude of adultery is very difficult to get over. It can be done. But, adultery changes your life forever. His snide remarks, though uncalled for are most likely his way of dealing with the depression.

[autumnnight]

I think no matter how good the recovery,there will be times when it hits and he feels sad, or maybe in an argument something slips out, but he immediately apologizes.

 

It takes a long time to get through a betrayal...for both parties.

 

However, it has been six years, you have done everything you could with the tools you have had, and you have had 2 children since then, which would also mean you have been intimate, etc.

 

I believe, and yes, many will disagree, that there comes a point when the BS must let go of the "upper hand," must see the FWS is they are today instead of as they were six years ago, that everything CANNOT come back to the A. There comes a time when they have to choose whether they want superiority or they want marriage. When someone describes themselves as tainted years, decades later....something is awry, and I would bet that person is getting that message from their BS.

 

No excuse for that in a loving marriage.

[JB1013]

Thank you all SO much for your responses. I don't feel like my husband made me miserable pre-affair. I'd say we were pretty happy and most people would say they never thought it would happen. I think it was my way of escaping from some serious stress in my life. I lost my sister in a car accident a few years before and had just started a very stressful job. I have also had some self esteem issues in the past so someone showing interest and persuing me the way this man did felt nice. I feel like I worked through a lot of that in counselling, and I can honestly say it's not a mistake I would make again. And I often feel so sad that I may have ruined what we had forever, and that my husband might never feel the same way about me. And part of me wishes that if that is the case he just would have let me go then. I'm willing to bring up marriage counselling again and see what he says.

[Mrs. John Adams]

JB....I had an affair in 1983....i told my husband a couple of weeks later....and i told him i wanted to stay married but i understood that he needed to do what was best for him.

 

He said he wanted me to stay...we went to a therapist.....and we lived life together with our two beautiful children.

 

Every fall...near the anniversary of my betrayal....he would trigger and go into deep depression. I thought i had done everything i could...i was transparent...i was supportive...i asked for forgiveness...i told him i was sorry....

 

and every year for the next thirty years...we went through this period of depression. I would cry...I said i would leave if that is what he needed.....I did everything....that i knew to do

 

EXCEPT.....ask him what i could do to heal him from the pain i caused him.....

 

In 2013 he joined a marriage site and found a book entitled how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda MacDonald. He read the book....and asked me to read it. It is a very short book...95 pages and it is free on line.

 

I read this book...and a light bulb went off....I knew that i had never taken total responsibility for his PAIN.

 

Your husband needs you ...and he wants you...and he may not know why he does what he does....but he is trying to tell you he needs something more.

 

You and i....caused our husbands tremendous pain...we shattered their world as they knew it....us...the ones they trusted...the ones that they should have been able to count on no matter what...destroyed their world.

 

I don't proclaim to have all the answers....but i do know that once i took responsibility not only for what i had done...but for the pain i had caused him....we jumped a hurdle in our relationship that i had begun to think we would never get past. If you cannot give him the assurance he needs that you will NEVER betray him again...he can never rebuild the trust you took away.

 

You dont GET OVER an affair....EVER. But you can move past it...you can rebuild trust...you can have a strong relationship again. You can never undo what you did....and it will forever be a scar that you carry....but it does not define you.

 

It took us a long time....we have been married 43 years...and it gets better everyday.

Edited August 26, 2015 by Mrs. John Adams

[healingsoul]

You have been so honest about what you have done wrong, realized you needed forgiveness and have tried to be committed completely to your marriage. I commend you because very few people get this far. I am sorry that old hurts keep resurfacing –this must be very painful. Do you find that your husband’s drinking is adding to the problem? Is he an excessive drinker?

 

You shared that many years ago you went to counseling. I am thinking you really need to talk to your husband about going again. A lot has happen since then; the dynamics of your marriage has changed now that you have two children in your family. Most couples go through a difficult time in their marriage after children arrive. Parenting can put a lot of pressure on a husband. It can also be a time that old wounds that have not healed surface. I noticed in my own marriage that our hardest years were when our children were young; we were stretched to our limits. I hope you can talk with your husband about getting help. I don’t think it will just get better on its own.