Fiance supposed to be playing Poker, appears to be playing Poke her with a Stripper.

[dignifiedgirl]

Been with BF for a few years, friends for total of 7 years. we're in our 30s.

Engaged for 1 year.

I was double checking the dates we're supposed to stay at his parents' beach house.

I asked him and he said check his phone for texts fom his Mom.

He doesnt have contacts named for his parents, found his Mom's text finally.

 

Then noticed a text that showed the excerpt "think of me"

 

I had to click and boom.

My whole world has been thrown into tailspin.

I saw phrases like "think of me when you're giving lappies"

"It was cute how you assaulted me while I was gambling"

"Do you want to get together for a drink."

These were all from my fiance to an anon number.

Worse the phone number happens to be in a town that he keeps brining up as place to move to. (40 minutes a away)

I felt sick and quickly put down the phone.

 

I've said nothing to him so far. Just confirmed the dates for vacation.

 

I am just so stunned.

 

He regularly goes out to play poker and I completely 100% TRUSTED him.

Plus I give him a good deal of my income to pay his mortgage (he makes a lot , but I try to be very helpful) and now I feel he is spending my money on stripper(s) UGH

 

So I feel like I am being an idiot, but this means he must be paying this stripper and having SEX with her ?

 

I am not a prude and have sensual french italian and spanish blood in me.

He is not lacking affection from me.

Plus I am getting in better shape than ever this Summer.

 

The only thing I have noticed is that although he is very attractive and in great shape , he has been extra conerned with working out and looking {even} better.

 

 

What does this mean ?

 

Is he 100% cheating and having s-----x with her???

 

I am being careful not to reveal what I found out.

 

We live together {it's his house) and I have zero friends or family and would need to save up enough money to move far away.

[Space Ritual]

Been with BF for a few years, friends for total of 7 years. we're in our 30s.

Engaged for 1 year.

I was double checking the dates we're supposed to stay at his parents' beach house.

I asked him and he said check his phone for texts fom his Mom.

He doesnt have contacts named for his parents, found his Mom's text finally.

 

Then noticed a text that showed the excerpt "think of me"

 

I had to click and boom.

My whole world has been thrown into tailspin.

I saw phrases like "think of me when you're giving lappies"

"It was cute how you assaulted me while I was gambling"

"Do you want to get together for a drink."

These were all from my fiance to an anon number.

Worse the phone number happens to be in a town that he keeps brining up as place to move to. (40 minutes a away)

I felt sick and quickly put down the phone.

 

I've said nothing to him so far. Just confirmed the dates for vacation.

 

I am just so stunned.

 

He regularly goes out to play poker and I completely 100% TRUSTED him.

Plus I give him a good deal of my income to pay his mortgage (he makes a lot , but I try to be very helpful) and now I feel he is spending my money on stripper(s) UGH

 

So I feel like I am being an idiot, but this means he must be paying this stripper and having SEX with her ?

 

I am not a prude and have sensual french italian and spanish blood in me.

He is not lacking affection from me.

Plus I am getting in better shape than ever this Summer.

 

The only thing I have noticed is that although he is very attractive and in great shape , he has been extra conerned with working out and looking {even} better.

 

 

What does this mean ?

 

Is he 100% cheating and having s-----x with her???

 

I am being careful not to reveal what I found out.

 

We live together {it's his house) and I have zero friends or family and would need to save up enough money to move far away.

 

Hate to say it but you have been supporting your fiance's stripper habit.

 

Cancel the wedding and please by all means get STD test.

 

If he is doing a lot of working out, he is trying to keep up with potential other suitor because he thinks he has some sort of future with her on the side. And he will be disappointed.

 

Look, I dated a lot of strippers in my life, and I did it because I liked the excitement, and the sex. But I knew it was always a very, and I mean VERY short stay in Stripperville. Because there is always a guy who will come along that was better looking and has more money, cocaine, and a bigger dick. It's just the way it works. I took it for what it was, as strippers can be incredible actors. They have to be in order to compete with each other at clubs to get tips. As long as someone keeps forking over Cash, they will allow them to think there is some sort of future. If I had a dime for every time a Stripper had a successful relationship with a customer, I'd be broke.

 

And you will be too if you don't get the hell out of this relationship.

[dignifiedgirl]

Hate to say it but you have been supporting your fiance's stripper habit.

 

Cancel the wedding and please by all means get STD test.

 

If he is doing a lot of working out, he is trying to keep up with potential other suitor because he thinks he has some sort of future with her on the side. And he will be disappointed.

 

Look, I dated a lot of strippers in my life, and I did it because I liked the excitement, and the sex. But I knew it was always a very, and I mean VERY short stay in Stripperville. Because there is always a guy who will come along that was better looking and has more money, cocaine, and a bigger dick. It's just the way it works. I took it for what it was, as strippers can be incredible actors. They have to be in order to compete with each other at clubs to get tips. As long as someone keeps forking over Cash, they will allow them to think there is some sort of future. If I had a dime for every time a Stripper had a successful relationship with a customer, I'd be broke.

 

And you will be too if you don't get the hell out of this relationship.

Thanks for the thoughtful reply and your personal experience in the matter.

 

Well I couldn't keep quiet and very calmly explain in plain language that I am aware he is seeing a stripper.

Instead of showing remorse or sadness, he smiled wildly and kept asking me what I was talking about.

Instead of showing visible anger at his grinning Chesire cat face, I asked him why he was doing it.

He replied he isn't seeing a Stripper.

I said I saw his texts.

Which I suppose is a bad admission on my part, because now he knows my information is limited to his phone.

I asked for her name, he claimed he only knows her stripper name and wouldn't tell me that name.

More questions. Al I could get out of him that this is some woman he played poker with who told him to come see her at her club. He admitted he has gotten lap dances from her. Then he started to try and turn things around and blame me for working a lot, for not paying attention to hid needs.

 

So I am sitting her and basically live blogging this.

 

UGH

[Space Ritual]

I am very sorry that this is happening to you...I want to state for the record that you must remember that you have done nothing wrong at all

 

Frankly I don't blame you at all for just letting the proverbial cat out of the bag.

 

What he is doing now is called blame shifting. See, according to him, since you confronted him on this, now he had to try to pull some justification out of his ass. Of course, if you were not meeting his "needs" he could have informed you of this so you could have worked on this if you wanted to. But No, the path of least resistance is always the easiest one to take.

 

 

Please accept not one bit of blame for this. My god you are giving him money? where in the hell does he get off saying you are working too much? Oh that's right. He is an douchenozzle. Heis also protecting her, by not giving up her name....he really thinks he has some sort of future with her. Leave him to it.

 

I know this must be a scary predicament you find yourself in. Moreso now tat you have been exposed to his rather Cavalier attitude about this. It shows exactly what type of marriage awaits you if you walk down the aisle with this guy. At this point I really don't think you need to do much more investigating or ask any more questions. He has given you a boatload of answers by his actions and his response. I hope you look at my tagline and understand that the reason I have it is for people like you that find yourself in such a position. Rest assured he has had sex with her. I would bet the farm on it.

Again I am very very sorry. But please do not have any intimacy with him until you get some STD tests. Your health is far more important than this relationship. And please remember that.

 

I have done a lot of awful things in my life, but cheating on someone I purported to love was never one of them.

[Gus Grimly]

Totally get the tests done ASAP. Also, you need to remove yourself from this person's home, like immediately. You can no longer trust this man. The trust has been obliterated. Reach out to loved ones, perhaps they can loan you money to move. It's imperative you do so. You can't remain with this guy and have him try to convince you he's changed or will never do it again. Remember, the best prognosticator of future behavior is relevant past behavior.

 

Oh, I'm so, very sorry he's destroyed everything you two were building together. You must be sick, devastated. Whatever you do though, do not take the blame for his inappropriate behavior. You are victim here not him.

[CarrieT]

Then he started to try and turn things around and blame me for working a lot, for not paying attention to hid needs.

That is what is known as blame-shifting.

 

Don't let him get away with it.

 

Call off the wedding - at least - until you understand the extent of the damage that he has done.

[dignifiedgirl]

Thanks all. Your input is meaningful and appreciated.

 

So for the last couple of hours I sat in the living room while he and I were watching Netflix.

 

I painstakingly tried to coax more info out.

 

Remaining as calm and serene as possible.

 

Perhaps serene isn't the word. More like intotaldumbfoundedgobsmackeddisbelief.

 

Instead of showing a shred of remorse, he started drinking and gloating.

 

I then decided time to back off, as I didn't want to ride the crazy train of talking sensibly with someone inebriated. (I drink socially, but not when my world is crashing down)

 

 

I glued my eyes to screen but then he would throw asides about Ms. Can not and Will not be named poker player/stripper.

 

The final straw that made my heart crawl up into a pitiful ball was when he enthusiastically stated that "she is the hottest woman I have met in 10 years" and then tacked on but he didn't think she liked him enough.

 

Wow, wow, wow.

 

I hope to look back years from now when I've started my lifepath over and am settled down and pat myself on the back for uttering the following to him.

 

I said, well that's that. I loved you with all my heart and you have meant the world to me. But I can't respect a man who would lie to me and trash my looks.

 

He acted thrilled and said he plans to move out of the house and start living in different cities for 6 months a year and he can do it because he makes good money.

 

At that point my brain was overwhelmed and I tuned out the rest of his gleeful visions of being a 39 year old man living a traveling bachelor lifestyle.

He then tacked on that I can rent this house from him.

 

Oh gee whiz, what a guy!

A house with 2 big unfinished projects [ a ripped out floor in the dining room and demo'd 2nd bathroom] that he started and then suddenly neglected. (The abadonment of which I see coincided with the start of the affair - july)

Sure sounds super, am suddenly left here with a big mortgage of his.

 

Mmkay.

 

So it's nearly 4 am now and I'm glad I can spill my wearied thoughts out.

 

It would be great if I had family to turn to. But I'm an only child, Grandparents all deceased, Dad deceased. My Mother had a stroke and is like a small child living in skilled nursing.

Friends are all long distance and have worries even bigger than mine to handle.

 

So I turned here and I appreciate the warm words.

 

I have about 35 bookmarks open and am speed reading terms such as gaslighting, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.

 

I am woeful, which is normal, but also feel my strong core will be okay.

Of course I feel so screwed over, but I will treat myself well as I know I am one of the cool girls. And someone who could do this to me must be a loon.

[Satu]

Snip

 

Then he started to try and turn things around and blame me for working a lot, for not paying attention to his needs.

 

UGH

 

"I needed xyz, and you weren't giving that to me."

 

Cheaters always say that.

 

Always.

[66Charger]

The next time you look in the mirror, make sure you go whew!!

 

Dignified, you have been given something so precious, so absolutely valuable . something you can never get back once you lose it.

 

You have been given the gift of time.

 

No time wasted on a wedding

No time wasted in MC, IC, tripleC or whatever.

No time wasted worrying another thought about this loser.

What you have gained is a opportunity.

 

A opportunity to not spend another second of Dignified s life with a present that should be a past. This is a HUGE blessing! ! You have gained YEARS of your life back..

 

Get this done. Dont think anymore about it. Dont live there, dont communicate, dont seek closure, just seperate and go. Not one more day, not one more hour, not one more second.

 

You have recovered gobbles of time. Use it wisely.

[Chi townD]

You need to get out now. He has no remorse, he doesn't care and he thinks he has all the power over you. See, he doesn't care because he's got you over a barrel. He KNOWS that you don't have as much money as he does. He KNOWS you don't have family to turn to. He KNOWS that you're friends are far away and have problems of their own. So, he thinks he has the power to control and dictate what you can do. (i.e. renting the house you are currently in, HIS HOUSE).

 

 

Get some money together. Go to the bank and get a small personal loan so you can land on your own two feet. Just enough money to get a nice apartment and start fresh. Do not tell him you're doing this. Once you get it all together, just pick up and leave. No forwarding address...nothing. Then start a hard NC and watch how fast his head starts spinning.

[Clockwork]

As a man.............yeah I can tell you he is running around. That seems very obvious. You did one thing right though, you didn't marry him yet and this might be your saving grace. I understand you love him and such but these are going to have to be important decisions you make now and you at least have the luxury of making them outside of a marriage. Consider yourself lucky that way.

[dignifiedgirl]

So I have stopped and started writing replies. My brain feels like mush right now.

I have a bright side to look forward to, but right now is just so soul sucking.

Why can't he just be solemn ?

He keeps either acting chirpy and upbeat or snapping at me when I respond in a very somber manner.

Is he insane ?

[CarrieT]

Why can't he just be solemn ?

 

Is he insane ?

Is not solemn because deep down, he is glad he is caught and is out of the engagement. He may have set himself up to be found out so that he didn't have to do the dirty work to leave the relationship.

 

snapping at me when I respond in a very somber manner.

Don't talk to him. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

Research, read-up on, and implement "The 180."

[Lois_Griffin]

Why can't he just be solemn ?

He keeps either acting chirpy and upbeat or snapping at me when I respond in a very somber manner.

Is he insane ?

He's just an egotistical a*sshole who thinks he's too damned good to 'beg' you to come back to him or shed a tear of remorse for what he's done. Honestly, this guy is SUCH an emotionally stunted a*sshole.

 

Don't give this loser another dime. NOT ANOTHER DIME. Get out of his house and too damned bad if it's half ripped apart and in the process of being renovated.

 

NOT YOUR PROBLEM. That's lover boy's problem.

 

Never EVER pay a man's mortgage if you're not on the title. EVER.

 

Honestly? He wouldn't be the first idiot to become enamored with a stripper. Years ago I had a friend who was friends with a stripper. She told me her stripper friend had told her that there are a lot of 'saps' who come to the strip club and literally pour their whole paychecks on her every week because they're 'in love' with her. She encourages it and makes them all feel special so they keep coming back every week. She never went out with them, just encouraged them to continue pouring money on her.

 

Your boyfriend's an idiot who may be 'good looking,' but he's just another sap to this stripper.

 

Get your own place NOW and stop investing in his house.

[dignifiedgirl]

So I got incredibly sick after my last post. :sick:

Haven't been sick in years.

 

Have Bronchitis now which has made everything much worse to tolerate.

Stress, lack of sleep and BOOM sickest I have ever been.

 

Since my friends are far afield, I had to grit my teeth and actually ask the now EX for some help.

It sucked but I have been basically choking and can't breath.

 

But that didn't stop him from cheerily going on vacation to the beach after picking up groceries for me.

 

I don't know why I was so pathetic but I actually asked him to check in on me a couple times to see if I was alright.

 

Nothing from him of course. Radio silence even though I can see he has signed onto FB a few times.

 

And as furious and hurt as I am, I am not a robot so I can't just turn off my feelings and desire for him instantly.

I am disgusted with myself I can't be more hard-hearted yet....But stress is bad, so I will be kind to myself. Pity party, party of 1.

He will be back here tomorrow and I can imagine he will be out tonight running all around the drinking beach towns in DE trying to pick up skinny little chicks as a Birthday celebration.

 

Last night was quite a dark night of the soul where I woke up and felt I

was suffocating from coughing.

Then I was too scared to sleep.

Just lying in bed being tortured by his statement that "she is the hottest woman I have met in 10 years"

 

A sex worker who he has probably only seen gussied up.

Not a pretty, natural girl like me.

 

Today I have been reading up on how Narcissists "Devalue and Discard" people they date or marry.

I also found a great article about how being nice doesn't equal being good.

 

Nice But Not Good: The Art of Spotting Narcissists*|*Judith Acosta

He was so nice for such a long time.

 

All my reading has been eye opening.

 

I hope when I get over this awful illness I can start figuring how to get on with my life and never date another Narcissist !

 

Thanks again for all the input.

Edited September 4, 2015 by dignifiedgirl

[kendahke]

Thanks for the thoughtful reply and your personal experience in the matter.

 

Well I couldn't keep quiet and very calmly explain in plain language that I am aware he is seeing a stripper.

Instead of showing remorse or sadness, he smiled wildly and kept asking me what I was talking about.

Instead of showing visible anger at his grinning Chesire cat face, I asked him why he was doing it.

He replied he isn't seeing a Stripper.

I said I saw his texts.

Which I suppose is a bad admission on my part, because now he knows my information is limited to his phone.

I asked for her name, he claimed he only knows her stripper name and wouldn't tell me that name.

More questions. Al I could get out of him that this is some woman he played poker with who told him to come see her at her club. He admitted he has gotten lap dances from her. Then he started to try and turn things around and blame me for working a lot, for not paying attention to hid needs.

 

So I am sitting her and basically live blogging this.

 

UGH

 

Well, now you know you're dealing with a bald faced liar who thinks nothing of lying in your face.

 

You have called this wedding off, right? What is the point in marrying a liar and possibly a cheater? You want to go around for the rest of your life with a sick feeling every time his cell phone pings?

 

And I agree with Lois--stop paying his mortgage so you can save up quickly for your own space and get out of his.

Edited September 4, 2015 by kendahke

[Space Ritual]

I'm sorry you find yourself taken ill after all the crap you have had to deal with.

 

I know it's hard to turn the feelings on and off, and given where you currently reside and the attitude your Jackwagon of a guy that you are dealing with, I don't think anyone here will begrudge you the need to go ahead and grieve and recover from your illness at your own pace.

 

However, that does to preclude you now from thinking about your next move, which is to extricate yourself from his infidelity. If you can do one thing, each day to begin to move forward, even if it seeme very small, you need to force yourself to take the step. The ultimate goal here is to make this guy a thing of the past. Obviously he is not the person you thought he was, and he showed you exactly who he is.

 

You might not think it right now, but you are much stronger than you think. Part of his ego is reinforced that you are in bits about him right now. I know this is difficult, but don't let this guy win.

 

Strength!!

[Poppyolive]

He is some piece of work. Good riddance. You deserve much better. You will be OK.

[nescafe1982]

Wow, OP. This guy sounds like a nightmare. I feel so badly for what you're going through, but almost relieved for you, because this happened before the wedding, before kids, before you became even more irrevocably tied to him.

 

Take care of yourself right now. There will be plenty of time to do a psychological post-mortem, to examine the hows and whys of what I'm sure are many personality problems this ex has.

 

But right now, you sound like you're reeling a bit; totally understandable. But while frequent websearches on NPD and the like might make you feel a bit more in control, it also encourages you to fixate on him in a way that might also be more harmful to your emotional wellbeing in the medium term.

 

Be around people who love you. You say you don't have many friends in the area. Are there people you can call on the telephone? Do you have family nearby? Eat well, sleep well (even if you have to take an aid or something), and take extra care of your body... the shock of this kind of revelation can really do a number on your health. And in order to recover, you will need to stay as healthy as possible.

Edited September 4, 2015 by nescafe1982

[Grapesofwrath]

 

The final straw that made my heart crawl up into a pitiful ball was when he enthusiastically stated that "she is the hottest woman I have met in 10 years" and then tacked on but he didn't think she liked him enough.

 

Wow, wow, wow.

 

I hope to look back years from now when I've started my lifepath over and am settled down and pat myself on the back for uttering the following to him.

 

I said, well that's that. I loved you with all my heart and you have meant the world to me. But I can't respect a man who would lie to me and trash my looks.

 

He acted thrilled and said he plans to move out of the house and start living in different cities for 6 months a year and he can do it because he makes good money.

 

 

Dignified: I am so sorry you are going through this. Worst feeling in the world, this kind of betrayal. Though it may not feel like it now, you are so fortunate to have figured this out now, before marriage or children. Just get as far away from this human misery machine as possible.

 

Do you have a credit card? Ordinarily, I would not advise it, but this is one of those times that you charge first and ask questions later. Use it to get a cash advance, if you can, or to get yourself lodged somewhere else. Do not continue to live in his house or take any other resources from him. Sounds like you are employed, so you do have some income that can be applied to the problem.

 

Get your things and go. You are just seeing the tip of the iceberg of his sadism. It sounds like you are very isolated, socially, and I wonder if this was by his design. Abusive jerks like this tend to isolate their women in order to keep them oblivious.

[sandylee1]

What a jerk he is.

 

You dodged a bullet. He'd be cheating all the way into the marriage.

 

Try and lease an apartment and put stuff in storage if you have too.

 

He's an immature headcase.

Check if anyone at work needs a roommate or lease a serviced apartment right away.

[Friskyone4u]

Dignified,

 

Take a deep breath. And stop trying to analyze his behavior and take it for what it is.

He is an ******* of the highest order!!! And you need to get away from him and find a man worthy of your love.

Thank heavens you caught this before you got married or had children with this bozo.

 

Don't give him another dime and let him go off to run around having woman who could care less if he lives or dies grind on his dick for a few minutes. What a loser!!!!

 

Try to stay calm and make a plan to get out of there.

[madjac74]

My whole world has been thrown into tailspin.

I saw phrases like "think of me when you're giving lappies"

"It was cute how you assaulted me while I was gambling"

"Do you want to get together for a drink."

These were all from my fiance to an anon number.

 

 

I have to ask if there was any replies to these texts because if not your fiance just sounds pathetic! She probably milked him for as much cash as she could and gave him a fake number to further her exploitation of his patheticness. He not only didn't get any sex but now he is going to lose you! Dufus!

Edited September 5, 2015 by madjac74

[smackie9]

Wow he's a dirty dog. Another Josh Duggar lol.

[dignifiedgirl]

I have to ask if there was any replies to these texts because if not your fiance just sounds pathetic! She probably milked him for as much cash as she could and gave him a fake number to further her exploitation of his patheticness. He not only didn't get any sex but now he is going to lose you! Dufus!

 

 

I'm still way ill and wiped out, so I'll keep it short and sweet.

I take it for granted they tried to do something sexual. He basically looks like a taller, muscled young Elvis Presley.

Yes, she replied to him several times.

Asked him to lunch a couple times even.

Edited September 8, 2015 by dignifiedgirl