Fiance supposed to be playing Poker, appears to be playing Poke her with a Stripper.

[dignifiedgirl]

I was dumb and let my guard down and told him I care about him and don't want him to get used by the Stripper.

Merely saying that from the heart has unleashed unholy hell tonight.

He has verbally ripped me to shreds and is actually texting me from his upstairs office right now about how disgusting I am , how insane he was not have broken up years ago.

Just the worst, most outlandish things.

I have 3 beloved cats and am just getting over being sick and am scared he is going to try and throw me out.

 

Advice please.

 

[Winterina]

Can you afford a place of your own? Do you have family to move in with for a while? Hope you and your kitties will not end up on a street.

 

He is violent if he talks to you like that and honey you need to get out asap.

[dignifiedgirl]

Can you afford a place of your own? Do you have family to move in with for a while? Hope you and your kitties will not end up on a street.

 

He is violent if he talks to you like that and honey you need to get out asap.

 

Thanks, but no I am not worried about him being violent.

 

He cares a lot about lookign good in his parents' eyes. So no worries there.

 

I just pray, pray, pray that I can finally get over this horrid long running cold from hell.

It has debilitated me and I am only now getting some work doen to save up funds.

 

The main headache is how small this house is. Just 1,000 sq feet.

 

I have one room to myself and my kittehs, so that's cool.

 

But watching tv, he will show up.

He has been well behaved and quiet but managed to get in one awful, hateful jab last night.

 

I am curvy, not fat. 38 inch hips 36f chest. could be thinner, losing weight as I mentioned before.

Had slow, sad undiagnosed hormonal issue.

 

He has kept hinting at him cheating "because" I never got skinny for him.

Which is obviously a crap, pathetic excuse.

 

So last night he mentioned my last two boyfriends.

He asked me if I was their beard.

I was stunned and asked him what he meant.

Yes he actually was trying to imply they were gay because no way could a straight man be attracted to me.

 

Insanity.

 

But I feel pretty darn calm and just find him to be insane in his attitude.

[CarrieT]

Become a duck.

 

Let it all roll off your back...

 

BTW, I am a 36G and am also "curvy" and can tell you lots of men will be all over when you are single.

[No Limit]

If you want to heat things up you might want to insult his penis' size, but beware - a guy with so little ego like he has might go bat***** crazy.

[dignifiedgirl]

If you want to heat things up you might want to insult his penis' size, but beware - a guy with so little ego like he has might go bat***** crazy.

 

 

 

Nah, I can be happy that I never sink to insults with exes. I may think wicked thoughts but have never once taken the bait.

 

I like peacefulness and being drama free.

 

He's gone for a long run, so I am enjoying spotify and pinterest and liking my own company for a few hours....

[sandylee1]

The guy is a prize lunatic. You sound like a lovely young lady and a decent guy will be proud to have you.

 

This guy is a total loser. You know when guys have to pay escorts and strippers and think the girls are so into them, it's a real joke. They're getting paid and would lay down with Kwasimodo if they had to.

 

You'll be so much happen without him and he's only saying those things to hurt you, because he knows deep down the strippers are using him and he feels like a fool, but can't admit it.

[Winterina]

When I said violent, I mean verbally violent. That is kind of quite bad too.

Protect yourself emotionally in whatever way that works for you.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Stop engaging him, turn off that part of your brain. He's gone for good. Play the sympathy card & possible blackmail card to his parents, so you can stay until you get a place. Research if the remodel work being done needed a permit. If so & he didn't get them, you can have the city give him a farewell gift, if he's violating building codes.

[h0000]

Maybe you should have marry him then divorce him providing the cheating evidence you might be able to get all his money

[Lois_Griffin]

If you live in the US, I don't believe he has a legal leg to stand on as far as tossing you out if this is your established residence - whether you're on the lease/mortgage note or not. If your mail is addressed to where you're currently living, then that's your legal residence.

 

Douche bag would have to legally evict you which would take time away from his new hobby of acting like a socially stunted 16 year old hormonal, pimple-faced teenage boy. Because in order to evict you, he'd have to go to the local courthouse and have the paperwork drawn up to do so, etc. I'm assuming for him, acting like a classless douche bag takes precedence over spending his time at the courthouse.

 

Have you been getting your ducks in a row financially so you can move into your new apartment soon?

[dignifiedgirl]

Glad I checked back, thanks again for more sage input from everyone.

 

So several days ago, he came back from a run with a horrible ankle sprain.

 

Grade 3, torn ligaments.

 

And of course whined for assistance.

 

I gave in and helped. He has been acting low key, just moping around the house because he can't drive right now.

 

I have kept reminding myself that his niceness is based on his injury and dependence.

 

Checked his phone while he was conked out napping.

 

Brought me quickly back to reality.

 

He's been amping up the texts with lil ms. sex worker poker player.

 

Asking when she can go to Karaoke with him even.

 

Asking if she can sing and be June to his Johnny Cash.

 

(double ouch because Walk The Line was a fave movie of ours)

 

Asking if she would like to see something 11" inches long, purple and throbbing. (he is 6-7)

 

Then he joked it was a bad injury he just got that looked that way.

 

She ignored that he said he was injured.

 

Asked him to come to her club like the good little marketer that she is.

 

He then texted her and asked how much she misses him.

 

She replied with a bunch of emojis of hearts and kisses and whatnot.

 

So yeah, I am glad I slapped myself awake again.

[dignifiedgirl]

I am finally 85% recovered from Bronchitis after a month of being sick.

 

Working uber hard to round up cash. Got a subscription to Sunset mag and imagining cool places to move far away to Out West.

 

It's just so depressing to look at him every day. Part of me still lights up (he is terribly good looking) and I HATE myself for feeling attracted when I know full well what lies beneath.

 

And even though he has kept his snark/rudeness at bay during his injury, it came out again today.

 

Inspite of his sprained ankle, his Mother and her Catholic Church friends asked him to drive them all to DC Metro so they could meet the Pope.

 

His Mom is this former big wig CEO, Holy Roller Catholic type.

I know she's disliked me for moving in together.

 

If only she knew what her precious first born was up to.

 

I wouldn't tell her, but it turns my stomach that she thinks he is perfect.

 

I know he has spun it that I am not "The One" and that's why we won't be getting married.

 

 

He was acting so nice today, that when he asked if he could pick me up lunch, I said sure. (refresher-I work from home)

 

I gave him money and then he said he would be taking a delivery fee.

 

I was a bit shocked. He then flipped out and said I was so lucky to ever have dated him.

 

Wha ????

 

 

So somebody on this board, give me a refresher please.

 

That I am insane to try and be at all friendly and agreeable with this person.

[pteromom]

So I have stopped and started writing replies. My brain feels like mush right now.

I have a bright side to look forward to, but right now is just so soul sucking.

Why can't he just be solemn ?

He keeps either acting chirpy and upbeat or snapping at me when I respond in a very somber manner.

Is he insane ?

 

It's FAKE. It's an act to maintain the illusion of having the upper hand.

 

Don't worry. The crying and apologizing will likely come later after you've moved on and are happy. Unless, of course, he truly is a narcissist, in which case, he's simply not capable of empathy.

[pteromom]

That I am insane to try and be at all friendly and agreeable with this person.

 

You can be friendly and agreeable without engaging with him or expecting anything different. It's called emotional detachment. Look at him as a temporary roommate. Refuse to discuss relationship problems or this stripper friend of his. Focus on what you need to do to move on. If he makes snarky comments, ignore them or respond with "OK". Just do NOT engage him at all.

 

You sound like a very nice person with a lot of self-awareness. You are going to be just fine without him, and you will look back thanking your lucky stars that you found out who he was before you married him.

 

Stay focused on what you need to do. His derailments, manipulation, put-downs, and even his phone are all distractions you don't need.

[Diezel]

You need to move out ASAP.

 

The longer you stay, the more toxic it will be.

[No Limit]

Don't take his bait. You don't let him pick you up, you won't eat with him and so forth. Live as if you were living all on your own. And should you ever meet his mother again, tell her what's really going on and why her son will be single for life.

[dignifiedgirl]

I know, I know.

Stop relying on him.

One reason I really love this forum is posting out my thoughts and bouts of total weakness. It's a diary I won't forget.

 

 

Last night was scary as I plugged in my Himalayan Salt Lamp (supposed to help with breathing issues) and an entire outlet sparked and tripped the breaker.

exF was out at poker and I texted him about it.

He said he would stop playing and come back.

Which he did.

But he made up a sob story and claimed to just have lousy night of poker playing.

 

 

Anyway, there was an issue with a shared payment for Verizon Fios.

 

Had to call them about the bill to avoid shutoff and as my cell battery is being funky, I had to ask to borrow his (he was on work conference call, so no time to call)

 

Of course I looked at the texts with the stripper (can I blame Verizon for putting me on hold for 40 minutes ? Probably not)

 

Anyway, he was at strip club when I texted him based on time stamps.

 

He was texting the stripper back and forth WHILE at the club ...

 

she sent him the 1st text of the night and wrote that she saw him in the club but she was "super, super sicky" and "didn't want to make him super sicky" (oh that's funny since I have been sick for a month now, guess exF is silent typhoid mary carrier)

He then texted her that he was disappointed, that he hoped she got a ride and got home okay (let me guess, he has been driving her home sometimes?).

Then texted her that she needs to make this up to him.

 

Ugh.

 

So obviously this is a rather involved physical relationship and I am so grossed out.

 

I handed the phone back to him and told him to pay the fios bill asap.

Didn't show a glimmer of pain or anything.

Actually, I don't feel pain, just shock and disgust.

Also this weird form of totally pity as he seems pathetic to me now. You're a Fool, Jon Snow.

 

I am getting better and part of it from the help of loveshack.

 

I'm sure I'll relapse, but I would rather be kind and gentle to myself than cause my cortisol stress hormones to skyrocket higher!

 

Thanks guys !

 

Edited September 24, 2015 by dignifiedgirl

[dignifiedgirl]

So things had calmed down.

For a stretch.

I still have been paying him "rent" (basically his whole mortgage every month)

But I just found out last night that a client who was supposed to be pay more for a design job has delayed it until the 24th of Oct.

It was supposed to be by the 12th.

I let exF know the rent would be late.

Instead of being sympathetic he launched in verbally attacking me and having a hissy fit.

He is flush with cash right now, but I am paying for all my own things of course.

I pathetically pleaded with him not to start a fight, that I wouldn't participate.

He screamed that he told his parents we are "just friends now" and that I am lucky he is letting me stay here.

So yeah I now feel sick and devastated all over again.

[Lois_Griffin]

So things had calmed down.

For a stretch.

I still have been paying him "rent" (basically his whole mortgage every month)

But I just found out last night that a client who was supposed to be pay more for a design job has delayed it until the 24th of Oct.

It was supposed to be by the 12th.

I let exF know the rent would be late.

Instead of being sympathetic he launched in verbally attacking me and having a hissy fit.

He is flush with cash right now, but I am paying for all my own things of course.

I pathetically pleaded with him not to start a fight, that I wouldn't participate.

He screamed that he told his parents we are "just friends now" and that I am lucky he is letting me stay here.

So yeah I now feel sick and devastated all over again.

So, you started this thread 6 weeks ago and were sick for a spell, but you're still there doing the 'pick me' dance while this guy has been verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward you while he continually cheats and lies.

 

And you're rewarding that rotten behavior by desperately trying to get on his good side and STILL giving him practically every cent you earn.

 

Let him pay is OWN mortgage. As I said, if you live in the States and if your mail is being delivered to this house, he can't by law make you leave as it's your established residence. That doesn't mean you have to pay the entire mortgage. That's ridiculous.

 

How are you supposed to be getting your ducks lined up to move out if you're still handing over all you money to him? Are you hoping to 'nice' him back by bank-rolling him and being sweet to him?

 

It's not going to happen. The more you give, the more needy you look to him.

 

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance and stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do that for you.

 

Lastly, the day will come when you'll look back at this time and despise how passive you were being and letting this guy abuse you horribly while you begged for scraps from him and handed him all your money. And you'll HATE that you did it. There's NO dignity in that and there's no HONOR in that and I think you know that deep down. Recognize this and stand up for yourself and give yourself the badly needed respect you're NOT being given.

 

Good luck to you.

[dignifiedgirl]

So, you started this thread 6 weeks ago and were sick for a spell, but you're still there doing the 'pick me' dance while this guy has been verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive toward you while he continually cheats and lies.

 

And you're rewarding that rotten behavior by desperately trying to get on his good side and STILL giving him practically every cent you earn.

 

Let him pay is OWN mortgage. As I said, if you live in the States and if your mail is being delivered to this house, he can't by law make you leave as it's your established residence. That doesn't mean you have to pay the entire mortgage. That's ridiculous.

 

How are you supposed to be getting your ducks lined up to move out if you're still handing over all you money to him? Are you hoping to 'nice' him back by bank-rolling him and being sweet to him?

 

It's not going to happen. The more you give, the more needy you look to him.

 

Stop doing the 'pick me' dance and stand up for yourself. No one else is going to do that for you.

 

Lastly, the day will come when you'll look back at this time and despise how passive you were being and letting this guy abuse you horribly while you begged for scraps from him and handed him all your money. And you'll HATE that you did it. There's NO dignity in that and there's no HONOR in that and I think you know that deep down. Recognize this and stand up for yourself and give yourself the badly needed respect you're NOT being given.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks for the strong words.

I would love to not pay him rent, but he and his Mother will start eviction proceedings.

 

He threw it in my face that when he told his Mother we're just friends now she told him to boot me out asap.

 

He tried to make himself look good by telling me that he protected me again by telling her I am staying and renting and he is moving out.

 

Then he added but I need to keep paying rent and make it on time.

 

I am already looking up tenant law in my state because his Mother is very domineering and lord knows what she'll do.

 

I am a grown up woman and I would be paying rent somewhere and with the area I live in (DC) it's all expensive anyway.

I have turned a corner now and WANT him to move out so I can have peace and quiet.

 

I know I will get a lot more work done in the process!

 

Thanks again.

[CarrieT]

Is the apartment owned and, if so, by whom?

 

I don't get why you are still living there...

[SleeplessIn]

Before your next "rent" is due, here's what I strongly suggest: go apartment-hunting. Find a place you can afford based on what you have been paying him -- I'd look for a place that was a bit less, honestly. You may have to check out some areas that are less than ideal, but you can "make do" for a year. Get approved for the apartment. Then take that next month's rent and pay your apartment's first month rent with it, and immediately MOVE OUT of his place. Make the move when he is not present ... gone to work, or away for a few days, whatever.

 

Unless you absolutely have to for some solid reason, do NOT leave him your forwarding address. You can take all your mail and change your address stuff directly with those companies, contact them directly and quickly so that there will be nothing that arrives at his place for you that needs to be forwarded.

 

I had to do this same thing some years ago, and it worked out fine. And I was in the DC Metro area, so I know it can be done there

[Jersey born raised]

Yes - good for you looking into tenant laws. Some states recognize month to month without a signed lease. In these states what in effect the state has done is write the lease for you.

 

See a lawyer, in fl were I have a real estate lic, you - could - be looking at a large rebate due to the condition of the unit. Also strict eviction laws. Anyone who rents a room, apartment, or house to someone without a lease is a fool.

 

 

Your motto with him, not on my dime mommy boy.

[dignifiedgirl]

update- still living here 4 months later. He's moving out in a few weeks - he has kept saying that but I think he's serious now.

I turned a corner and am relieved when he goes out to play poker and hit the strip club.

He's so pathetic that he is following the stripper when she changes clubs.

I have even tried to calmly explain to him that women (and perhaps men) who are full time strippers tend to come from sexually abused childhoods and are overwhelmingly prone to BPD.

 

I won't elaborate on the texts I have read between them, but she is a classic lying drama queen.

 

Plus I looked up her phone number and there are reports going back to last year claiming her phone number is involved in telemarketing/unwanted phone calls. Shady stuff.

 

I mentioned this info in passing to him finally (I haven't tried to learn anything about "Trinity/Krystal" of Baltimore strip clubs in months )and it's the one time he got upset in the last few months.

 

So I will stay mum on it from now on.

 

He has explained how she resembles a tiny 5'2 brown haired Marilyn Monroe

and if I wasn't a tall curvy redhead and was like her he'd want to still marry me.

Thanks, I 'll take being like Christina Hendricks over a tiny nothing.

 

I have queried if he has ever seen her without makeup.

He is so smitten with her that he tried to claim oh she doesn't really wear any makeup.

I did a spit take on that.

Marilyn Monroe only looked like her iconic self because of her makeup. lol

 

Anyway I just wanted to update this post to show you can get over your ex, you can live with them (caveat being to not lay a finger on each other of course) and not go insane.

 

I would suggest if anyone reading this has a situation where they're stuck living with an ex until one of them can move out, know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I have developed new interests over the last several months.

I also have set goals and they really help me stay focused.

 

Right now I am looking forward to a blissful evening of doing Tabata on my recumbent bike while listening to Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco and looking at photos of hot guys on Pinterest.

Then I'll order in some yummy Tapas and watch Effie Grey.

 

Sure I'll dive into the dating pool again with gusto, but right now I'm working hard during the day and working on getting in better shape during the evenings. Put on some Holiday weight and that needs to go!

 

So take heart all. It does get better as you keep moving forward.

 

Edited February 24, 2016 by dignifiedgirl
typo - doh