If your husband thought your best friend was hot, would it bother you?

[FolderWife]

My best friend has been married for almost 6 years. She is three months pregnant with their first child. Before she and I became close, her husband was always friendly with me. The closer me and my friend got, however, the more I saw of her husband. The more I saw of her husband, the more friendly, and flirty we got. I try not to flirt with him that much, and not at all in front of her, because that seems disrespectful to me.

 

In any case, apparently he recently said something to her in her parents' presence about me being pretty. Her mom said, "What are you going to do when your wife leaves you for Monday?" He shut up.

 

My best friend and I joke all the time that if we ever turned lesbian, we'd be lesbian with each other. She's the only person that can be totally brutally honest with me (aka, "You're hair looks bad today.") and it not hurt my feelings...it feels like she's helping me. Anyone else could say that to me, and I would cry.

 

So I LOVE her, and I believe she loves me.

 

We were having lunch, and she invited her husband along, and I was fine with that. She asked me if we were still on for the movies Saturday night, and I told her yes, and her husband said to someone else, "Yeah, are you coming with us?" The other person said to him, "Oh, are you going?" My best friend said, "No, he wasn't invited," and winked at me. Then she added, "Unless you invited him." I said, "I didn't invite him! I don't like sharing you with your husband " He said, "The feeling's mutual." referring to me. It was a joke, and we all laughed, and then my best friend said, "I know that if he ever leaves me, it'll be for a black girl or Monday."

 

I didn't like her saying that. It was in good humor, of course, but I hate the idea of a woman I love so much even THINKING of losing her husband...to me I wouldn't like it ONE BIT if my husband openly flirted with my best friend.

 

Of course, if she ever gets fed up with it, she'd probably drop me and work on her marriage, which I would expect any woman to do.

 

Do you think one day she could resent me because of him? I'm partly to blame. I should've put my foot down in the beginning with him, and said, "You're my best friend's HUSBAND! Don't flirt with me!"

 

It's always been innocent, harmless flirting. One day, he said, "Are you working Saturday?" I said, "No." He said, "Is your husband?" I said, "Yes." He said, "So what time should I stop by?" I said, "You can't stop by! I would never do that to my best friend!!!" He said, "Oh come on..." I said, "Even if we did do anything, I tell her everything, so I'd end up telling her." He laughed at me. I know he was joking, but still...that is out of line. I've never told her about it.

 

So... I don't know if I egged it on or what.

 

More:

 

Of course there are more things. Yesterday I was driving home behind a truck with a tree in the back. After four miles of following said truck, I realized it was my best friend's husband. He waved at me, then signaled and pulled into a gas station. I followed him. We chatted casually about the tree for about five minutes, and laughed that I didn't realize it was him, and then I got back in my car and left.

 

This morning, I mentioned it to her, and she said, "He didn't tell me about it!" I'd be PISSED if my husband pulled into a gas station to chat with my best friend, and not tell me about it. He could've just said, "I ran into Monday on the road, and we talked for a minute about this tree."

 

How hard is that? It seems suspicious if he doesn't mention it...which is why I mentioned it. I don't want her to ever think there's more between he and I than the fact that we both love her.

 

MEN!

[Treasa]

 

Monday, I HONESTLY think you should get rid of your husband. I also HONESTLY think your best friend should get rid of HER husband. And then I think you two should either get together or find different men. I am SO not kidding about this.

[Moose]

Yeah, I think you need to put yout foot down and stop this, "harmless", flirting. That doesn't bother me so much as this:

"You can't stop by! I would never do that to my best friend!!!"

This whole post is about what you would never do to your best friend. What about your husband????? I know your situation, but this is something you never brought up, like you couldn't care less what cheating would do to him. Think about that for a second.

[CurlyIam]

It'shis problem, not yours. You can always stop flirting, by simply smiling and not participating at this game.

 

You've got a great best friend there, married to a somewhat jerkish man!

 

Be cool, play by the books and don't think for another second about this.

[quankanne]

I get the feeling that she knows that as long as you love her and you don't particularly feel attracted to someone like her husband (looks or personality), she probably doesn't have a problem with her husband joking about you. DH has had a crush on one of my college girlfriends since I've known the both of them, but she and I just laugh about it because he is in a whole other league than the kind of man she prefers. I think I'd be more worried about her spilling the beans about something I told her in privacy!

 

best thing to do is to let her husband know that you care for him dearly as GF's spouse, and nothing more. Just be sure to let her hear you say that, so she knows you're being straight up or that nothing gets mis-reported to him!

[st8toftheheart]

I made the mistake once of telling my ex-GF that her best friend was hot. I was so smug that I even told her I had a fantasy with them both.

 

BOY! was that a huge mistake.

 

Even so I never flirted with her friend in anway shape or form. That's just wrong.

 

I was newly single at the time so I am using that as an excuse, but it seems like when some guys get married they lose part of their brain.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Treasa

 

Monday, I HONESTLY think you should get rid of your husband. I also HONESTLY think your best friend should get rid of HER husband. And then I think you two should either get together or find different men. I am SO not kidding about this.

 

 

I totally agree!

[HokeyReligions]

Considering my best friend is my mother, yeah it would!

[billybadass36]

IMO - what you're doing is worse than your H beating it to porn.

[CurlyIam]

Originally posted by billybadass36

IMO - what you're doing is worse than your H beating it to porn.

 

No way!! I mean please, you're young, your friends are young and none of you are saints. It's very common to feel attracted to someone else's best friend or find one of your SO's friends attractive.

 

And yes, this semi-flirtation is also normal! What are you gonna do each time you meet, speach about the war in Irak or Hillary Clinton? Please!

 

But there are always limits. The trick is not to pass them and to back off the minute you feel the other person is tempted to pass them.

 

Get a few things straight:

 

1. your bf must be convinced that you'll never ever betray her

2. her husband didn't drive her insanely jealous of you

3. you've talked to her husband and told him that if he ever makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, you'll stop seeing them as a couple and you'll tell your friend why

 

 

If you do that, you should be safe!

[babybear]

If my husband behaved this way to my best friend...YEA it would bother me!!! Flirting about when he can go over to another woman's house is NOT OKAY. Harmless flirting would be telling somone they look hot or sexy in an outfit..something like that.. But you and him seem sorta suggestive. It's easy for these things to get outta hand - so keep a safe distance. AND, if people are noticing you two flirt, then I'd say it's not casual flirtation.

 

 

Babybear

[RecordProducer]

NEVER FLIRT WITH YOUR FRIEND'S SPOUSE! Anyone who does that is not a real friend.

Would you flirt with your sister's husband like you do with your best friend's hubby? Of course not. I am not criticizing you, you're a good person. I just know that we learn things all the time and this is one thing you have to learn.

 

When I was 22, I went out with a girl I used to sit with for 4 years in high-school. We never associated outside of school, and we rarely saw each other after high-school, but we were pretty close during those 4 years. She is a really great person. So she had a crush on this guy who wasn't attracted to her. He flirted with me and I flirted back, but more like making fun of him than flirty. She knew I didn't like him, but he was hitting on me and I enjoyed it. At the end of the night he said to me: "If I do this and that (I forgot what), will you go out with me?" (maybe he said will you be with me?) and I said "Maybe."

I still feel terrible for that night. I saw her a few times after that, I don't know if she is mad at me. I don't know if she was mad at me that night, but I know that he hurt her and I participated in that. I would never do it again, although he was not even her BF.

 

Any woman's husband is none of my business. And given that I am not single, any man except my guy is a no-no.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Monday

MEN!

 

Aren't you getting bored of the victim role? Really Monday - why do you blame everything on men?

[EC]

Well after reading your dreampost...and then reading this post...I have come to the conclusion that your secretly in love with your best friend!

 

TREASA couldn't have said it better:

 

Monday, I HONESTLY think you should get rid of your husband. I also HONESTLY think your best friend should get rid of HER husband. And then I think you two should either get together or find different men. I am SO not kidding about this.

 

And yeah stop playing the flirting game with your friends husband. She might joke about it and laugh about it..but She probably does dislike it and resents you inside. It doesn't feel good when your man is flirting with your best friend.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by billybadass36

IMO - what you're doing is worse than your H beating it to porn.

 

I totally agree with Billy. Sounds like you have more issues than your husband does.

[CurlyIam]

I tell MY best friend EVERYTHING. You bet I'm gonna tell her if I see her flirting with my man. It depends a lot on how deeper your connection with your best friend is.

 

And all women flirt to some degree with their firend's SO, whether they admit or are aware of it or not! Not necessarily sexual flirting. But flirting non the less.

 

It's up to every female to set up the limits. Really, I thought we got rid of the "hollier than thou" attitude around here! We're humans and we're made out of flash and blood. No need to be a puritan about it.

[PatientOne]

Originally posted by CurlyIam [/i}

 

And all women flirt to some degree with their firend's SO, whether they admit or are aware of it or not! Not necessarily sexual flirting. But flirting non the less.

 

I disagree. Maybe that's the norm in Paris, but not on this side of the Atlantic.

[RecordProducer]

Originally posted by PatientOne

I disagree. Maybe that's the norm in Paris, but not on this side of the Atlantic.

 

Why does it always have to take national dimensions and ethnic conotations?!

I thought Monday was on the same side of the Atlantic as you!

 

If we have to talk in that manner then I would rather divide mentality into big-city and provincal.

[SweetSerenity]

Monday I think you get off on it. Thats my take on it. You like being desired by another man other than your husband. You chose to pull into that gas station, you could have just waved and went on but you didn't. You chose to flirt back, you didn't have to. I think you seriously get off on it. Doesn't mean it makes you a bad person.

[babybear]

Flirting with your friend's husband IS NOT OKAY.

 

BUT - Monday has had a ton of issues with her husband, and she hasn't felt desired for a long time. Instead of a "he beats it to born" or "she gets off on flirting with other guys" issue, they really need to see what their behavior is doing to each other...

 

Babybear

[bluetuesday]

monday, you think it's okay to flirt with your best friend's husband - because that's what you're doing even if you refuse to call it that - but you think it's totally unacceptable for him to flirt back.

 

saying "even if we did do anything...." is completely out of line. it's telling him you're considering it. you're encouraging him and you know you are.

 

yet if your husband did what this man has done it would be a terrible betrayal. pocky is absolutely right, you paint yourself as the victim. as long as i've been reading your posts you've been doing that.

 

you're an emotional child, monday. you don't want answers. you want people to agree with you that men are the root of all evil so you can continue moaning about them.

[SweetSerenity]

I have to say I agree with the last poster and Pocky. Monday as far as I've been able to read all your drivel about men and your victim role it's kinda doing yourself a disservice. You are having fun with this other woman's husband. It's been clear from your post. Why did you pull into that gas station? It wasn't to grab a coke I'm sure. Like I said before you could have waved and went on.

 

When my best friend told me her fiancee was seriously all into me, I felt bad for her and I apologized and told her that I would never go over to her house again as long as he was around. I stuck by that. I have the utmost respect for my best friend. I have never flirted with him back or blinked an eye at him and I would never do what you're doing. I think you seriously need to seek some help here. First with your issues with men and then with your issues on flirting with someone elses husband and then thinking its ok for you to do it but you don't expect him to do it back.

[whichwayisup]

Harsh yes! And I'm now worried as I've not seen Monday all week. Think some posters were abit too mean here and made some inappropriate attacks on her.

 

She's a wonderful and absolutely beautiful person. I'm sure posting this thread wasn't easy and I'm sure she wasn't expecting to be jumped on. She expressed her concerns and really didn't deserve some comments...

 

Anyway, Monday hope you're OK!

[deesgirl]

I agree that it's wrong for you to flirt with her H. Why do you think it's okay when she's not around, but not okay when she is? Isn't that what your H does with porn?

 

How would you feel if your H was flirting with your best friend behind your back?

[dawn duval]

I don't have the Monday history/context that other posters do, but just taking this one post on face value, I'd say there are options besides you two leaving your husbands.

 

I would talk to your best friend Monday, tell her you worry it's hurting her and that her friendship is important to you. Tell her you'll do whatever it takes to keep your friendship in tact while making her feel comfortable in her marriage. If your friend doesn't like the flirting, that may involve you distancing yourself from her husband, maybe even arranging to see her without her husband around until she feels better. I wouldn't wait for a situation that you're fearing Monday, in which your friend has to cut off your friendship to save her marriage.

 

Definitely don't put it off this talk with your friend! You have to trust she's gonna be honest with you and tell you if it's a problem.