Second Chance after affair

[strugglinghubby]

I posted a thread over on the infidelity page, and the forum was a great help at getting to the bottom (I think) of what happened between my wife and another man she met at her work (he was a regular customer).

 

Cutting to the chase for those that don't want to read all the pages, I found out and she admitted an affair, although only kissing and making out several times. Said she wanted to sleep with him but never did. I've decided that I want to try and make this work, and we have a young child together as well. She has also said that she would do anything to take all this back, is so sorry that she's hurt me, and wants to stay with me. She's been saying she doesn't know if she can ever forgive herself.

 

She has said that she never felt appreciated in our marriage, that she felt as though the last few years she has just been going through the motions. I've felt that as well to be honest. I still love her, and have committed to focussing on how I can show her attention/appreciation in the ways she needs (I believed I was doing that, but she said she didn't notice).

 

My main issue at the moment is that I keep switching between three main phases. I'm either: 1) indifferent and don't care much, almost like a numb feeling where I block stuff out. I think this is a self preservation mechanism; 2) gutted, hurt, betrayed etc. in this stage I often keep recalling the text messages they sent to each other that I ended up reading, and I also picture them in the car making out and having sex (even though she said they didn't); and 3) where I genuinely do feel an overwhelming sense of love for her, I still feel like I can love her deeply as a husband, find her sexy and very attractive.

 

I've typically been spending slightly less time in the hurt phase and a little more in indifferent, the loving phase sort of comes and goes without any direct or clear pattern. The affair all broke about 2-3 weeks ago. When I'm in the hurt phase I feel like I'm looking at a puzzle and trying to put all the pieces together in terms of all of the pieces of evidence I have about the affair, but I always have gaps and an incomplete picture, and as she drip fed me truth when the affair broke I'm not sure if she has actually been completely open like she says or continued to drip feed truth. I want to believe her, but I keep having doubt pop into my mind during these phases of hurt.

 

Has anyone else been through this? How did you progress?

Edited August 25, 2015 by strugglinghubby

[lolablue17]

On your previous thread I mentioned that you can pass through most issues, except the trickle truth issue, which I really don't know how to go through with it.

 

The trickle truth issue put you in a spot where you will never be able to put everything behind you, because you need to know what should you put behind, and be able to trust again.

 

The problem is not only what had she done in the past, the problem is that you don't believe her now at present. You want to believe her but you can't because she's never came clean even once. She was lying over and over again and every time it was a different lie.

 

I, my self, can survive cheating (i have), but i don't think I could have survived trickle truth.

 

one last thought - don't be too impressed with her "I don't know how can i forgive my self" nice words. I have long long experience listening to these kind of words, that always were said after being caught. These are meaningless words that only time will prove them.

 

Sorry pal... I think that your chances are not very high.