Double-Standards in Dating

[autumnnight]

One of the biggest double standards I see in dating these days is overweight women who refuse to date overweight men. While their size is a physical trait, it is most definitely caused by behaviors.

 

I agree with this. Some things we call "unchangeable" actually are. If a person is a slob, they can neaten up. If a person has bad breath, they can buy some mints. If a person is rude and tactless, they can learn some emotional intelligence.

 

If a person grows to 5'4" there isn't much they can do about that.

 

If a person happens to attract barfly's....they can keep their pants zipped.

[Quiet Storm]

Great, glad at least one of you isn't supporting the bio-directive line of thinking.

 

 

I personally don't think double standards are inevitable. Claiming it is about 'reality' is like saying... oh, all humans are murderers at heart because lots are. Or, that there is nothing we can do to stop people from killing each other.

 

 

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm not comparing those with double standards to a murderer, but I do believe having them is just as much a choice as those who choose other bad behaviors. And since this is a thread about double standards, it seems the appropriate place to be 'angry' about those who hold them or enforce them or excuse them.

 

I'm not talking about behavior or action, though. I'm talking about feelings of attraction and turnoffs.

 

Murder is an action, but the underlying feeling is anger, jealousy, etc. Attraction is a feeling, and the choice of what to do with that feeling could be a smile or the extreme choice of rape, just like the extreme choice from anger would be murder. It seems like you are saying we can choose not be slaves to our emotions, and I absolutely agree with that.

 

We can take those angry emotions and cope by doing yoga or hitting a punching bag, instead of resorting to murder. We feel what we feel, and then choose how to respond to that feeling.

 

Its not the actions or choices, but the emotions that I'm talking about- the way a girl feels very sexually attracted to a tall guy or a guy turned off to a relationship with a high numbered woman.

 

Can you change that underlying feeling- the one that makes a girl feel less attracted to a short guy, or the feelings that make a guy uncomfortable with a woman's past?

 

Would you really want someone that has to talk themselves into being attracted to you or wanting a relationship with you because intellectually they know it's unfair or judgmental? When you are looking for someone to share your life with, don't you want someone who accepts you 100% and is genuinely attracted to you? Think about the guys that you aren't attracted to... could you talk yourself into thinking they're hot? And even if you could, should you?

[Quiet Storm]

Double post.

Edited August 27, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[edgygirl]

I don't know but what I do know is that I tried to date a guy who was 5'9 (I'm 5'4) and how can I put it... no matter what I did, I didn't get aroused.

 

It sucks. I wish this was not the case, but I tried on more than one occasion and couldn't change it. I am never attracted to guys under 5'11 I do think it's something primal.

 

What's the difference between primal programming and the ideas and beliefs we have formed throughout our lives through experience? Are they connected somehow? Is primal programming generating ideas and beliefs on it's own?

[kilgore]

I don't know but what I do know is that I tried to date a guy who was 5'9 (I'm 5'4) and how can I put it... no matter what I did, I didn't get aroused.

 

It sucks. I wish this was not the case, but I tried on more than one occasion and couldn't change it. I am never attracted to guys under 5'11 I do think it's something primal.

 

5'11 creates primal attraction but 5'10" primal revulsion? It seems like there would be other features - muscles, shoulders, butt, whatever - that would be more of a primal turn on/off

[edgygirl]

I think I could do 5'10

 

Again, it's not a rational decision at all, if it was, I'd drop it as it reduces my options. But I just can't help it. I am never attracted to short men. Even 5'11 I find a little short but I know from an ex that I can still get aroused for someone that height. My preference is really 6'4 - my 3 main exes were between 6'2-6'4. It's very primal and not something I can control.

 

And no - I don't care for buff, pretty faces or anything like that. Women who are in their 20s do. I did back then These days I care more for brains and consider myself sapiosexual. Still, the height thing is there to contradict it.

 

I do think though that something that's behavioral is a double standard. If you are a stud, it's hypocritical to expect your woman not to be. But again, perhaps it does feel primal / evolution-related for a few men based on the posts here?... I prefer people who been around, who like people who also been around. Prude people bore me. And I don't see how having had many sexual relationships equal the inability to be faithful. I find it the opposite. The more you've had, the more you know yourself, the more you will be able to find the right partner for you and being faithful will make sense.

 

5'11 creates primal attraction but 5'10" primal revulsion? It seems like there would be other features - muscles, shoulders, butt, whatever - that would be more of a primal turn on/off

[kilgore]

I think I could do 5'10

 

Again, it's not a rational decision at all, if it was, I'd drop it as it reduces my options. But I just can't help it. I am never attracted to short men. Even 5'11 I find a little short but I know from an ex that I can still get aroused for someone that height. My preference is really 6'4 - my 3 main exes were between 6'2-6'4. It's very primal and not something I can control.

 

And no - I don't care for buff, pretty faces or anything like that. Women who are in their 20s do. I did back then These days I care more for brains and consider myself sapiosexual. Still, the height thing is there to contradict it.

 

I do think though that something that's behavioral is a double standard. If you are a stud, it's hypocritical to expect your woman not to be. But again, perhaps it does feel primal / evolution-related for a few men based on the posts here?... I prefer people who been around, who like people who also been around. Prude people bore me. And I don't see how having had many sexual relationships equal the inability to be faithful. I find it the opposite. The more you've had, the more you know yourself, the more you will be able to find the right partner for you and being faithful will make sense.

 

I think I agree. I was never worried about how many partners my spouse had. I never asked though I think it is more than me. She always went for tall guys though she thankfully made an exception with me.

[edgygirl]

See I'm not closed to make an exception I hope it can happen someday. After all, you can click with someone you didn't expect to click with. It happens and I am keeping my heart open to this. It hasn't happened yet but might.

 

I think I agree. I was never worried about how many partners my spouse had. I never asked though I think it is more than me. She always went for tall guys though she thankfully made an exception with me.

[kilgore]

See I'm not closed to make an exception I hope it can happen someday. After all, you can click with someone you didn't expect to click with. It happens and I am keeping my heart open to this. It hasn't happened yet but might.

 

That makes sense - you don't make exceptions until you do. Not being sarcastic - I totally get it