Does my wife want a good husband or a bad boy?

[davidromero43]

My wife asked where the "old me" went. I asked what she was trying to say. She said I was "cocky" when we first started going out. She said she was very attracted to my self confidence and arrogance. She wants me to get it back.

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

[central]

It sounds like you may have become domesticated and complacent, so lost that edginess that attracted her. Maybe not so much the bad boy thing, but just confidence and reasonable assertiveness may be missing now.

[Satu]

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

 

No, they aren't, but confidence and strength of character is very appealing.

[Woggle]

I bet she was the one that wanted you to change yourself.

[GorillaTheater]

My wife wants both. She wants a provider who's a good husband and good father, but she also wants someone who'll stand up to her when the situation calls for it, not in a hostile way but in that smiling cocky "get the f*ck out of here with that sh*t" way. Who pursues his interests and is just a little bit unpredictable.

 

I was a bad boy when my wife and I met, but let that part of me slip away while in the midst of being the good husband and good father. Luckily for me, I recognized it and corrected course. Only you and your wife and determine whether you need to do the same.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife wants both. She wants a provider who's a good husband and good father, but she also wants someone who'll stand up to her when the situation calls for it, not in a hostile way but in that smiling cocky "get the f*ck out of here with that sh*t" way. Who pursues his interests and is just a little bit unpredictable.

 

And I'll add most women want a man who will stand up to the world in general, not just to her.

 

Women are not alone in desiring this duality. Most men want a woman who acts differently in the bedroom than she does in the family room...

 

Mr. Lucky

[davidromero43]

I was a bad boy when my wife and I met, but let that part of me slip away while in the midst of being the good husband and good father. Luckily for me, I recognized it and corrected course. Only you and your wife and determine whether you need to do the same.

 

I wonder if it is easy to be both?

[GorillaTheater]

I wonder if it is easy to be both?

 

It is once you get the hang of it, and it shouldn't be that hard in any event. Your were that cocky fun guy at one point, so it's not like we're talking about assuming some alien identity. Just reconnect with that guy you used to be.

 

I'm thinking though that I remember your other threads. Without looking back at those right this second, you may have bigger issues with your wife than reconnecting with the Bad Boy of Yore.

[Winterina]

My bf cannot turn the cold shoulder to anyone and has to be his people pleasing self. Such a turn off.

 

Especially when he treats nicely those people that did not do him or me any good and were treating either or both of us badly. I feel like he never protected me on any level from anyone and that anyone can just come and spit in my face if they wanted to as people quickly figure out that he is no one to count with. That leaves me feeling insecure and unsafe with him in any social situation.

 

There is a difference A HUGE ONE between a nice guy and a people pleaser is what I have learned in this relationship. Nice guy is someone who will stand up for you and for himself to people. Nice guy will protect you from people who cause you harm. People pleaser has no backbone and you will never know what is in his head as he will always aim to please.

 

That said, I do not like arrogance or cocky behaviour.

Nice guy is definitely what I would want.

[TX-SC]

Only your wife knows what she wants. Some women want cocky, bad boys. Some want a dependble, solid dad figure. Many want a little of both.

 

It sounds like she has already TOLD you what she wants.

[Syirrus]

My wife asked where the "old me" went. I asked what she was trying to say. She said I was "cocky" when we first started going out. She said she was very attracted to my self confidence and arrogance. She wants me to get it back.

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

 

I think it really boils down to this:

She imagines herself being with an alpha male. That alpha male is you. Somewhere along the way, we as men become domesticated (as another user put it) and forget that we pee in the tall weeds (maybe not the best depiction). We have to be men first, true to our nature. There is always room for compromise, but not in compromising our maleness. That is what is missing and more importantly, if you embrace it she will be more of what you want.

 

John

[oldshirt]

My wife asked where the "old me" went. I asked what she was trying to say. She said I was "cocky" when we first started going out. She said she was very attracted to my self confidence and arrogance. She wants me to get it back.

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

 

 

 

All women are attracted to confident, self-assured, competent and proactive men.

 

 

Terms like "cocky", "arrogant". "bad boy" etc are subjective judgement and value calls that are in the eyes of the beholder.

 

 

What she is telling you between the lines is she wants you to take more leadership and take the bull by horns more and bring your sexy back.

 

 

The reverse analogy to this would be a man telling his wife to get back to wearing more sexy lingerie, make up and being more seductive like she was back in the early days instead of wearing comfortable sweats and sensible shoes and being all business like and matter of fact all the time.

[Clockwork]

She'll get over it.

 

 

Sometimes when girls are young they like the dangerous guy. The bad boy. Once you get married and have kids you don't want that anymore, you want a husband, you want stability, etc.

 

 

However............behind bedroom doors you can be whatever you want.

[mrs rubble]

Arrogance turns me right off.

 

There's a fine line between confidence and arrogance, it's one thing to be self-assured and something completely different to be self-absorbed.

 

A friends husband thinks he's hilarious making jokes about how "superior" he is to his wife, she thinks he's "cute". I think he's an absolute tosser.

 

Each to their own, if your wife enjoy's you being arrogant and you feel combortable being arrogant, go ahead!!

[TX-SC]

Go have her read some red-pill writings for a bit. Then ask her if she still wants you to be cocky.

 

Be who you are. Don't try to change for her. Cocky often is equated with young and stupid. As you get older, you generally tend to mellow out and figure out what is really important in life. Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't be "manly" and that you should take a bunch of crap off of people, but you don't have to be cocky to be self-assured and confident in yourself.

[Spectre]

I dunno for me this would worry me. I expect teenage girls to be into bad boys, I expect adults to know they aren't all they cracked up to be. Super arrogant people are d-bags, ask her why she wants a d-bag?

[beatcuff]

My wife asked where the "old me" went. I asked what she was trying to say. She said I was "cocky" when we first started going out. She said she was very attracted to my self confidence and arrogance. She wants me to get it back.

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

 

maybe it came out 'wrong', could she be bored? while she may not want the ENTIRE 'old you', she might be looking for more excitement.

[elaine567]

There is a difference between between being self confidence and arrogance presented to the world and self confidence and arrogance being applied to her.

I guess she wants a self confident and arrogant man who takes no **** off anyone, ie a protector and a guard, a man of principle, a man to be proud of.

 

Not some cocky guy who wants to be controlling and overbearing in his marriage and not care a damn about his wife.

[TaraMaiden2]

My wife asked where the "old me" went. I asked what she was trying to say. She said I was "cocky" when we first started going out. She said she was very attracted to my self confidence and arrogance. She wants me to get it back.

 

Are most women attracted to "cocky" men? Is this like wanting the bad boy?

 

When I met my last H he had a wicked sense of humour, a good taste for adventure, liked variety in his days and enjoyed a good, social life with plenty of good friends in an eclectic mix of people.

The moment I became pregnant with our first child, it was as if someone had thrown a switch, and he went from 'light' to 'dark'.

Mr no-nonsense, sensible, down-to-earth humourless responsible family man, emerged.

 

It's like he rushed into the phone-booth, stripped out of his "It's Mr Fun-guy!" outfit, and donned a totally grey suit, with features to match.

 

I would say this is what your wife is complaining about.

And while I would be the first to say that nobody has a right to dictate to us that we should change, and be who they want us to be, there is much to be said for listening, if someone as good as tells us, "You've changed and you're no fun any more."

 

She doesn't want to change you.

She wants you to revert to an aspect of who you used to be.

 

As Gorilla Theater has pointed out, there's a balance to be achieved. You can no longer, for instance, don your leather gear, pack nothing but a tent and your guitar, and head off into the wilderness for a bit of escapism.

But look at the stuff you used to do together, the things you shared and enjoyed, and ask yourself - did they absolutely HAVE to be left behind, entirely?

 

At the risk of spouting cliches: You only get one shot at this.

You really should - without hurting anyone else, or yourself - gain what enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction you can, in the best and most productive way possible.

 

I remember reading about a middle-aged couple who got married, settled down and had a family, and became Mr & Mrs typical suburbia, living in 'Pleasant Valley'... their entire lives revolved around the mundane, and bringing up the kids, until they completely lost their own identities, and ran on widely-separated parallel lines.

At some point, during this hum-drum existence, they agreed they had nowhere left to go, and nothing else to do, so that once their youngest had left the nest for Uni and independence, they would call it a day, set the divorce wheels in motion, and just go their separate ways.

Come that time, Mr &Mrs Dull decided to put a competition prize to good use (a whole host of camping equipment, including a canoe) and go on an outward-bound last holiday, together.

 

So Mr D took a while off work, (or he was already retired, I forget which) and off they went.

 

Had the time of their lives, re-connected, and stayed together.

 

Consider a similar adventure, and do something to find the old you.

 

You don't have to become a 'bad boy' to re-discover the guy she fell in love with.

Just exercise those memory cells, and TALK to her.

[Vercetti]

I wonder if it is easy to be both?

 

How is it hard to be an ******* that gets what you want, when want you want is yours and hers.