Mother always borrowing money or needing me in general. Should I just say no?

[jessiejae]

My mother always seems to need me. She has never worked in her life only short periods of time. When she was younger she had men give her money or she lived with her parents. Now she is on SSI. She never learned how to drive even though her ex offered to teach her and even buy her a car after she learned. She expects me to take her places and lend her money when she needs it. She never has money for basic needs like food etc.

 

I wouldn't mind helping but I feel like she never even tried in life. I grew up poor and even went hungry sometimes bc of her irresponsibility. Now she wants me to help her. I know she's had a hard life bad things have happened to her. But I resent her. She is not my child. I'm moving to another state and will only visit twice a yr. She doesn't have any friends either. She depends on me to entertain her, drive her around, and provide her with money.

 

She said she won't have to borrow money from me anymore but she always does. I will prob be expected to wire her money after I move.

[empresario]

My mother always seems to need me. She has never worked in her life only short periods of time. When she was younger she had men give her money or she lived with her parents. Now she is on SSI. She never learned how to drive even though her ex offered to teach her and even buy her a car after she learned. She expects me to take her places and lend her money when she needs it. She never has money for basic needs like food etc.

 

I wouldn't mind helping but I feel like she never even tried in life. I grew up poor and even went hungry sometimes bc of her irresponsibility. Now she wants me to help her. I know she's had a hard life bad things have happened to her. But I resent her. She is not my child. I'm moving to another state and will only visit twice a yr. She doesn't have any friends either. She depends on me to entertain her, drive her around, and provide her with money.

 

She said she won't have to borrow money from me anymore but she always does. I will prob be expected to wire her money after I move.

 

You are enabling. Of course, you already know that from the message and title.

 

Yes, she is asking because she knows you will. My sister is the same way. It's rough because you love them and want to help...but you need to realize she doesn't see it as you helping her...she sees it as something she deserves or something she's always had.

 

Take my sister, for example. Through college, even when I had 9 dollars in my bank account, I always found extra to send to her. Why? Looking back I have no idea. My parents paid for her college. I paid for my own. My mom paid all her bills. I paid for my own. My mom gave her all her furniture. I bought my own.

 

For every thing she got, I earned. And on top of that I gave to her. This went on nearly my whole youth until a couple years ago. She got pregnant (her own fault, didn't use protection) and started upping the amounts. Instead of asking for 'a couple hundred to make ends meet', she would just not pay bills. After they were delinquent she'd call me and say "I can't get to my job to pay for your niece if you don't call in and pay my 6-month delinquent auto-insurance". I felt like my only option was to help.

 

After a while I started saying no. It is never 'borrowing' money, as you know. It's taking money. and we're humans, we're resilient. It only took me a couple times of saying no before she figured out how to make ends meet by herself. She had to declare bankruptcy. She had to work hard and get a better job...but now she is self-sufficient because she had no other option. Millions of people earn their own way. You mom is not an exception. My sister is not an exception.

[d0nnivain]

Spring for the cost of a financial responsibility class but nothing more.

[Diezel]

You keep saying mother... I keep reading money leech.

[Tayla]

You sound like you are being taken advantage of. Is that your stance?

 

I will refrain from the parental side as I am sure your mom has her humble reasons for needing assistance.

 

Sure hope you both realize that your human with needs and life choices of your own. It kinda makes things a little more even when we do that.

[Siquijor]

My mother always seems to need me. She has never worked in her life only short periods of time. When she was younger she had men give her money or she lived with her parents. Now she is on SSI. She never learned how to drive even though her ex offered to teach her and even buy her a car after she learned. She expects me to take her places and lend her money when she needs it. She never has money for basic needs like food etc.

 

I wouldn't mind helping but I feel like she never even tried in life. I grew up poor and even went hungry sometimes bc of her irresponsibility. Now she wants me to help her. I know she's had a hard life bad things have happened to her. But I resent her. She is not my child. I'm moving to another state and will only visit twice a yr. She doesn't have any friends either. She depends on me to entertain her, drive her around, and provide her with money.

 

She said she won't have to borrow money from me anymore but she always does. I will prob be expected to wire her money after I move.

 

 

Parasite alert!

 

 

You're not a daughter to her, you're a servant.

 

 

She should stop relying on you and learn to stand on her own two feet.

 

 

You owe her nothing.

[jessiejae]

she will say things like oh you don't have to be bothered with me im not going to bother anyone i will leave everyone alone when someone doesn't want to do something for her. I don't like to think she's trying to make me feel guilty she denies it. It's hard to think your own mother is behaving like this but I can't help but feel like she's manipulating me.

 

My grandmother enabled some of her children at 60 years old some of them are also in my mother's situation bc they always had her to financially bail them out. When she died they didn't know what to do. As soon as I turned 18 I had to start loaning my mother money and doing her favors. There were times she would just move knowing she didn't have the money to cover the costs and tell me I had to loan her money at the last minute bc she knew I had to live w her during my vacation from living in a dorm. Now 8 yrs later I'm still doing her favors.

 

I wouldn't mind at all if she tried harder when I was a kid. Letting your kid go hungry bc you are too lazy to get a job or telling a small child your problems using them as a therapist is just abusive. She would get a job for a few months and then quit bc she didn't like her co workers or couldn't have her way with her boss then I would end up going hungry. I would never allow that to happen if I had a child. She suffered from depression after a tragedy but it seems like she was also irresponsible with my sister too before she died. My mother always plays like she is an angel. She did cook and clean for me and when I was a child. She read to me and helped with school stuff when I was really young. There are worse mothers but she just didn't do enough for me.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is completely toxic...please read Susan Forwards Toxic Parents. You are the child, not the parent. It is time to let her go. Love doesn't look like this, parents don't behave like this. This is so sad for you. It is time for you to live your own life. Please get counseling to deal with her neglects and boundary issues and go No Contact if she doesn't respect your boundaries.

Good luck,

Grumps

[Tayla]

jessie, you sound like you are at wits end. How sad.

 

Walk away. Everyone seems to be encouraging you to disown your mom, so do it.

 

My Opinion still stands from my first response. But its not for you...I get it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sounds like she needs to be placed under Conservatorship. Don't give her a penny & every time she asks, block her for awhile.

 

 

One of the worst things is parents that should have never had kids & caused long term trauma to their kids due to their irresponsible & selfish behavior. Then they play the woe is me & you owe me because I "raised" you card. So repulsive.

[pteromom]

she will say things like oh you don't have to be bothered with me im not going to bother anyone i will leave everyone alone

 

"OK mom. I love you and will talk to you soon."

 

Don't let the guilt work.

 

When you WANT to see her/talk to her, then do. When you don't, don't.

 

There are worse mothers but she just didn't do enough for me.

 

You aren't a kid anymore. You are an adult. You have to let go of all this old hurt, and understand that she did the best she knew how to do.

 

But NOW, you are in charge of your life. It's up to you whether you give her money. You can say "I am sorry, I just don't have it to give." and once you say that a few times, she'll get the hint. You can not pick up the phone. You can not be so available. You don't HAVE to move to another state. You just have to be assertive and maintain your own boundaries.

[empresario]

she will say things like oh you don't have to be bothered with me im not going to bother anyone i will leave everyone alone when someone doesn't want to do something for her. I don't like to think she's trying to make me feel guilty she denies it. It's hard to think your own mother is behaving like this but I can't help but feel like she's manipulating me.

 

My grandmother enabled some of her children at 60 years old some of them are also in my mother's situation bc they always had her to financially bail them out. When she died they didn't know what to do. As soon as I turned 18 I had to start loaning my mother money and doing her favors. There were times she would just move knowing she didn't have the money to cover the costs and tell me I had to loan her money at the last minute bc she knew I had to live w her during my vacation from living in a dorm. Now 8 yrs later I'm still doing her favors.

 

I wouldn't mind at all if she tried harder when I was a kid. Letting your kid go hungry bc you are too lazy to get a job or telling a small child your problems using them as a therapist is just abusive. She would get a job for a few months and then quit bc she didn't like her co workers or couldn't have her way with her boss then I would end up going hungry. I would never allow that to happen if I had a child. She suffered from depression after a tragedy but it seems like she was also irresponsible with my sister too before she died. My mother always plays like she is an angel. She did cook and clean for me and when I was a child. She read to me and helped with school stuff when I was really young. There are worse mothers but she just didn't do enough for me.

 

 

 

Stop saying she 'borrows' money or that you 'lent' her money. You need to start psychologically seeing this for what it is...

 

 

She is stealing from you.

 

 

That's the cold truth, friend. It's no different than if you lent a friend 100 bucks, then instead of paying you back they simply asked for more. Feuds were started over less.

 

 

She's your mom. You love her. And in her own way she loves you too. But for you to see this thing objectively you have to take a step back and realize she's hurting your future. You're hanging off a cliff and she's grasping frantically at your ankles. Time to shake off the dead weight.

[jessiejae]

I've had it. Yesterday I gave her enough food to last a week and I injured my right foot taking out her trash (she has trouble walking). Now she's disappointed in me bc I won't take her to buy junk food. My foot is swollen and I have to walk around at work. I'm ok to drive but I feel like she's not even considering how I feel. She asked but I doubt she cares. When I said no she started saying oh that's ok I won't have to ask anyone for anything I will start doing things on me own. Sounding disgusted the entire time. Yet she still wants me to take her to the store tomorrow. The crazy thing is I'll prob end up taking her. Sometimes I yell and curse at her. I feel like I can't control my anger when it comes to her. She always says I embarrass her in front of other people. I don't think she deserves my respect. I love her but I can't respect her. I know I should get over my past with her but it's so hard given she behaves the same way presently.

[Siquijor]

I feel like she's not even considering how I feel.

 

 

That's an understatement. She's an utterly selfish individual who doesn't deserve you.

 

 

I think it's high time you told her a few home truths for your own sake.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I've had it. Yesterday I gave her enough food to last a week and I injured my right foot taking out her trash (she has trouble walking). Now she's disappointed in me bc I won't take her to buy junk food. My foot is swollen and I have to walk around at work. I'm ok to drive but I feel like she's not even considering how I feel. She asked but I doubt she cares. When I said no she started saying oh that's ok I won't have to ask anyone for anything I will start doing things on me own. Sounding disgusted the entire time. Yet she still wants me to take her to the store tomorrow. The crazy thing is I'll prob end up taking her. Sometimes I yell and curse at her. I feel like I can't control my anger when it comes to her. She always says I embarrass her in front of other people. I don't think she deserves my respect. I love her but I can't respect her. I know I should get over my past with her but it's so hard given she behaves the same way presently.

 

 

What would happen if you dropped dead? Who would"take care" (really enable) her?

 

 

Call up your government social services agency & see what resources are available to her, if she qualifies. I'm sure there's stuff like; dial a ride, meals on wheels & other volunteer services she can use.

 

 

Start off with small steps.