my daughter is moving back home!

[jennie]

my 19 year old daughter and my 5 month old grandson are moving back home as they had to move out of where they were staying for various reasons.

 

my daughter and my boyfriend get along great and we operate as a family, she calls him daddy, he refers to her son as his grandson, etc.

 

the problem is that he likes quietness in the morning. this was a big problem for us before she moved out and had almost caused us to split up.

 

the baby cries in the morning like babies do and the t.v. is on, and baby things are in the living room.

 

he was always in a bad mood before she moved out and he never told me why, but the above reasons are why.

 

i never thought anything of it cause i raised three kids myself, he has none. i never think anything of the t.v. on in the morning or baby toys around the living room.

 

he never complained outwardly about this cause he just knows that that is how it is and she is my daughter and he did not want to cause problems.

 

well now she is moving back in on monday and all ready i am worried about how this may affect us again.

 

i am going to tell her to keep all baby things out of the living room, but i can't him crying and he is teething so that don't help either.

 

i'm worried that we will start fighting again just after we have finally started connecting again and getting along so very well.

 

any suggestions? i don't know how long she will be here, she don't want to move in and was not going to move in either, but circumstances beyond her control made her have to move back home.

 

i don't mind at all tho, i love so much to have my daughter and grandson at home, i love them both dearly and enjoy anytime i have with them.

 

however i don't want to feel like i have to choose between him and her, but i feel it heading that way again, as we have already aruged about the living room being so small, and he said how the house seems to keep getting smaller and smaller.

 

what can i do? help! and thanx

[Tony T]

I just think there is something terribly wrong with a relationship that has so many problems. I mean you guy gets pissed at almost everything. Are there any days where he's fine, you're happy and all is well.

 

Nothing to do with your daughter moving back. You have got to start saving your money for another try at a getaway. You are NOT in a happening relationship.

 

Nothing pleases this guy and everything pisses him off. You are probably the only woman in the world that would hang around him. He is a first class jerk!!! I don't like him.

 

If you got away from him, far, far away, you could probably come off most of your medications. He seems to be at the root of all your problems. Did I tell you I don't like him?

 

On another subject, why are you allowing you daughter to disrupt your life so much? She seems to be NOTHING but problems. I know you are her mom and all but you need to cut the cord real quick. She brings you as many problems as your guy does. Why are you allowing her to move back with you if she is going to cause so many problems?

[Zoner]

I completely disagree with the e-mail that Tony posted before mine(sorry). How could you not understand where he's coming from, most people wouldn't want their child with child living at home... anyways, adults have kids, not kids. It should also be kept in mind that it isn't his child. These things that you are speaking of are things that have the potential to destroy any relationship, not just yours. You really should set up a few guidelines regarding how long they are going to be there, it really isn't too much to ask, although I do understand the abruptness of the situation. it would probably hold any problems at bay if he were to know when the craziness will end. Any good man would not have a problem with that, but on the same token, he doesn't deserve to be reprimended for wanting peace and quiet. Just make him feel assured that it won't be like this for an incredibly long time.

my 19 year old daughter and my 5 month old grandson are moving back home as they had to move out of where they were staying for various reasons.

 

my daughter and my boyfriend get along great and we operate as a family, she calls him daddy, he refers to her son as his grandson, etc. the problem is that he likes quietness in the morning. this was a big problem for us before she moved out and had almost caused us to split up. the baby cries in the morning like babies do and the t.v. is on, and baby things are in the living room. he was always in a bad mood before she moved out and he never told me why, but the above reasons are why. i never thought anything of it cause i raised three kids myself, he has none. i never think anything of the t.v. on in the morning or baby toys around the living room. he never complained outwardly about this cause he just knows that that is how it is and she is my daughter and he did not want to cause problems. well now she is moving back in on monday and all ready i am worried about how this may affect us again. i am going to tell her to keep all baby things out of the living room, but i can't him crying and he is teething so that don't help either.

 

i'm worried that we will start fighting again just after we have finally started connecting again and getting along so very well. any suggestions? i don't know how long she will be here, she don't want to move in and was not going to move in either, but circumstances beyond her control made her have to move back home. i don't mind at all tho, i love so much to have my daughter and grandson at home, i love them both dearly and enjoy anytime i have with them. however i don't want to feel like i have to choose between him and her, but i feel it heading that way again, as we have already aruged about the living room being so small, and he said how the house seems to keep getting smaller and smaller.

 

what can i do? help! and thanx

[jennie]

tony, things have actually been very peaceful since i got back. part of the problem is/was my daughter living here and him wanting time alone with me.

 

my daughter does not want to move back she wants to have her own place and is working on it as we speak. i don't think that she causes problems directly, just indirectly.

 

i know that i have not painted a rosy picture of my boyfriend so i understand why you say what you say.

 

still things have been good for a while now. when i had left he had left two messages on the home phone, he was yelling at me about a bill i had mailed to the wrong place and he was being charged a late charge.

 

well we had left and when he came home he heard the messages he had left and finally for the first time realized what a jerk he was being.

 

that was what had finally opened his eyes, not my leaving but him hearing his own harsh words.

 

so he knows that she will only be here for as long as necessary and like i said they get along great! it's just that as adults i think we both need to be alone now.

 

she is not willingly coming back, only out of necessity. she will be out as soon as she can and that is fine with me too.

 

i love them both so much and i don't want to feel like i have to choose between either of them. like if he starts getting crabby again cause of the situation what am i suppose to do? tell her to move out?

 

i know that him and i have had our share of problems, but he is willing to work on them finally. he is even watching the john gray collection with me, nine videos!

 

he is practicing his temper and communication skills and i am trying to be patient as well. i know he has a good heart, he helps me out so much, and has done alot for my daughter and myself.

 

i did notlose my job afterall, andi have the potential to make $500.00 a week cleaning if i so choose. of course i choose.

 

i am going to get caught up on my bills and what i feel i owe him for all his help then i am going to open a savings acct. just for an emergency trip money.

 

that way when and if something comes up again, i can go, i wont have to sit here and "wish" i had the money, it will be safely tucked into the bank.

 

i want things to work out for us most of the time. but at time's like when he makes his little digs about my not working or not working, then i feel the need to leave him and get away to show him and myself that i don't "need" him to survive.

 

if the day comes again, i will be prepared! but i hope it does not come to that....

I just think there is something terribly wrong with a relationship that has so many problems. I mean you guy gets pissed at almost everything. Are there any days where he's fine, you're happy and all is well. Nothing to do with your daughter moving back. You have got to start saving your money for another try at a getaway. You are NOT in a happening relationship.

 

Nothing pleases this guy and everything pisses him off. You are probably the only woman in the world that would hang around him. He is a first class jerk!!! I don't like him. If you got away from him, far, far away, you could probably come off most of your medications. He seems to be at the root of all your problems. Did I tell you I don't like him? On another subject, why are you allowing you daughter to disrupt your life so much? She seems to be NOTHING but problems. I know you are her mom and all but you need to cut the cord real quick. She brings you as many problems as your guy does. Why are you allowing her to move back with you if she is going to cause so many problems?

[Tony T]

It's really great to hear things are going better. I just hate to see your daughter come back and spoil things.

 

She needs to get her own place as soon as possible. You deserve happiness after going through hell so many times. You don't need anymore aggravation. I hope your daughter understands that and makes life as pleasant for everyone as possible while she's there.

 

Do whatever you can to continue forward with this great improvement.

[Miss Mojo]

hi jennie,

 

i hope you don't mind me putting in my two cents worth. i have been following your posts for a while now and the one thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is this:-

 

this man will never give you the contentment and peace of mind you crave.

 

still things have been good for a while now.

 

this will probably be the catch-cry of your relationship with this man for the rest of your days if you stay with him. a content relationship, oozing with respect, should be saying, "things are good pretty much all the time (e.g. 95% of the time)". of course every relationship has it's ups and downs, but this man has so much control over your feelings it's unbelievable. i could be jumping the gun here, but i sense an inkling of emotional abuse - the way he puts you down and belittles you with his comments, the way he insults you about work.....nothing EVER seems to please him for long at all. example:-

 

he was yelling at me about a bill i had mailed to the wrong place and he was being charged a late charge.

 

he's a pain in the arse and i don't even know him. why doesn't he post his damn bills himself???? he's always finding something to pick at you for isn't he? if he was my father and he was treating my mother like that, i would tell him to get off his high horse and wake up to himself. is he having a mid-life crisis, or is he one of these people who are never happy unless they have something to complain about? i don't know how on earth you can stand living with him. if you read your posts as an outsider looking in, you will see that you are really punishing yourself with him here. he really makes you so unhappy at times.

 

...he heard the messages he had left and finally for the first time realized what a jerk he was being.

 

he's probably known what a jerk he's been all along. and i can guarantee you he will do it again, because you keep letting him.

 

i love them both so much and i don't want to feel like i have to choose between either of them. like if he starts getting crabby again cause of the situation what am i suppose to do? tell her to move out?

 

you seem to let those you love take advantage of your good nature. you don't have to choose between anyone. the facts are:

 

a) your daughter is your daughter, but the more you give in to her, the more she will play up on the fact of "oh mum, i am so messed up". i know that sounds harsh, but i have witnessed it in my family and it is nothing short of *infuriating*. she know's she's messed up, but the more you try and rescue her, the more she will understand that all she has to do is mess up and mum will be there in any way possible. it's one thing to help your daughter - any loving parent would because that love is unconditional. but at the same time, you have to have your limits so you are not getting walked all over.

 

example: my sister-in-law is the most irresponsible mother around. she is more important than anyone. her mother worries so much about her children that she will give into her at the click of her fingers. she is indirectly giving my sister-in-law all the freedom in the world she wants. as soon as she puts the "single-mother-gosh-i'm-so-stressed-and-messed-up" line on her, her mother gives in. for god's sake, her mother minds the kids when she wants to vacuum the floors. she shirks responsibility like you wouldn't believe and has dabbled in drugs too (speed, ecstacy etc). aaaaargh!!!!!! i want to tear my hear out thinking about it.

 

my mother on the other hand, who was a struggling single mother for most of my childhood years, won't do any favours that will ultimately fulfill her selfish wishes. she is manipulative and my mother knows this. my sister-in-law never asks for a favour from my mother. if her mother did the same, she'd have no choice but to wake up to herself. anyway, i'm getting off track here....

 

he is practicing his temper and communication skills and i am trying to be patient as well.

 

you've been TOO patient, to the point of selflesness. you have nothing to work on at all - except maybe being a bit selfish and REALLY putting your foot down. the sooner you do, the sooner it might wake those up around you who aren't givign you the respect you deserve.

 

i know he has a good heart, he helps me out so much, and has done alot for my daughter and myself.

 

aside from the help he has given you and your daughter, does he make you happy? does he bring out the best in you? do you feel you can be yourself without being criticised and patronised by him? do you feel comfortable and content?

 

i don't "need" him to survive.

 

that's damn right. you don't need him to survive. $500 a week doing cleaning is a really good wage. you are making a living for yourself. it's YOUR life and you need to have your own things.

 

phew, this is long. i hope you can start being a bit more selfish jenny. you seem to have lost sight of yourself in a lot of this and worry too much about those around you and what they say and do. don't put up with things that don't make you happy ok?

[Laurynn]

Miss Mojo, I surely don't want to offend you, I think you've given great advice (as always! :-)...I just wanted to point something out that might also be pertinent.

 

I don't know if it's fair of us to harshly judge Jennie's boyfriend. After all, we are only hearing Jennie's side of the story. From what I've read these past few months, I can certainly understand a lot of his frustrations. There aren't too many men out there, who work hard all day long and don't mind coming home to a girlfriend/wife who isn't working herself, contributing her fair share. I'm certainly not putting Jennie down, but she does have a whole heapin' helpin' of reasons why she hasn't been working since November. Obsessive compulsive disorder (I think she mentioned that/obsessive thoughts), Social phobia, anxiety, depression, etc etc. In all honesty, not too many men or women would tolerate (for very long), someone who had so many 'issues' to deal with.

 

Jennie strikes me as someone with a big heart, but as someone who maybe makes a lot of excuses, and maybe puts a lot of the blame on her boyfriend. If she was hell bent on getting a job, whether it was cleaning or not, I'm sure she would do it regardless. I'm sure that a cleaning job would be better than no job.

 

Also, I can totally understand her boyfriend's frustration with having Jennie's daughter and young baby in the house. Unless you've been a parent yourself (I'm guessing that J's boyfriend doesn't have his own kids), getting used to the noise of a newborn can be very tough. As well, up until Jennie's daughter moved out not long ago, Jennie said that she had to babysit her grandson, from 5-10pm, 6 nights a week. I don't see how that could be good for any relationship. I can understand her boyfriend resenting the fact that just about every evening of the week is spent where the baby is #1 priority. I recall Jennie mentioning that by the time 10pm rolled around, she was exhausted. How can there be quality time in a relationship, 'together time' when there is a newborn to care for? I will maybe sound like a bag, but I can understand his growing frustration.

 

I hope we all remember, that there are always two sides to every story. I'm surely not saying that Jennie is lying about what she's told us, not at all..I'm just saying that maybe her perception of things is different than her boyfriend's, and maybe we don't know the whole story.

 

I'm not saying Jennie is this type of person, but there are people in this world who seem to thrive on chaos and pandemonium......they always have some kind of problem going on, and they always have major problems dealing with these problems. Sometimes they even thrive on the attention they receive from sharing their constant problems. They complain and complain and complain about things, but never actually do anything about it. You can give them advice til you're blue in the face, but they'll still continue to complain about the same problems. Maybe they thrive on misery, I'm not sure.

 

If things are really so bad between Jennie and her boyfriend, in all this time she's been posting here, I'm really not sure why she hasn't found herself a job..any job....and saved up enough money to move away and start over. I know she did try in the past to leave, and the truck broke down........but she went back.

 

My instincts just tell me that I think we (all of us, not singling you out, Miss Mojo) need to consider that there are two sides to this story here......and maybe we shouldn't be so quick to pain J's boyfriend as a selfish, controlling, abusive b*stard. I'd be curious to know what his versions of things are. I'm sure he has his share of frustrations as well.

 

Hope I didn't offend anyone, including Jennie. I really do wish her the best. I believe she said she's starting counselling soon. I hope that will really help.

 

Laurynn

[Miss Mojo]

...i don't take offence to anything you wrote in your post above at all

 

....i think perhaps i might have given advice according to what i see the situation as. i can empathise with jenny's boyfriend about living with someone who has OCD (i've never known anyone who has it, so unfortunately, i can't say i know how he feels) althought i do understand it must be extremely tough. i only know person who has ADHD and that it is tough being around someone like that at times.

 

the one thing that makes me feel sad for jenny is that it is not her fault she has OCD, but when her boyfriend nitpicks at her all the time, it just doesn't seem fair. she is trying, and she is obviously at a spot in her life where things aren't easy for her. but then again, his reactions towards her may be as a result of living with someone with OCD. granted, if he didn't feel a thing for her or he was that heartless he would have left her, but he continues to stick with her, which obviously shows how he feels about her.

 

i do, however, understand the situation she is in with her daughter. it is like she is stuck between a rock and hard place - she loves her daughter unconditionally, and loves her grandchild unconditionally. i mentioned my sister-in-law before who has 2 children (a 7 year old and a 6 month old). she has moved in and out of her mothers house 11 times since the 7 year old was born. her mother has let her move in and out because what concerns her most is the children. her daughter is irresponsible, has dabbled in drugs and does not have the faintest idea about how to manage money and always has bills piled up. at first she always used to give in - "i'll pay this bill for you...i'll buy the children's food for you...i'll mind the kids for you if you want to go out....". it all boiled down to her grandchildren, yet my sister-in-law thought "cool, all i have to do is ask mum and she'll say yes". over time though, her mum has put her foot down and now my sister-in-law knows that she can't get away with so much. it is very hard and i hope i'm never in a situation like that with my children and grandchildren.

 

her mother is highly frustrated. her house isn't her own anymore and she 1 child running amok, and a baby who wakes at all hours. she once said to me that as much as she loves her daughter and her grandchildren, she's had her time for raising kids and is at an age where she needs her own space and peace and quiet.

 

i think i've probably made the mistake of getting so frustrated myslef because jenny shouldn't have to be living her life with so much ups and downs at her age. i really do feel for her....and yes, there are 2 sides to every story.

 

so i do understand where you are coming from laurynn and i do appreciate you pointing that out to me. thanks

[Laurynn]

Miss Mojo,

 

I really shouldn't have posted my post below yours. I honestly wasn't speaking directly to you.....I guess what I was saying was directed at anyone who was expressing such contempt for Jennie's b/f. I surely wasn't singling you out or trying to 'point out' anything to you, honest! :-)

 

L

[Miss Mojo]

that's ok laurynn!!

 

i didn't take anything personally. just consider yourself lucky i'm not paranoid! (although i do think the federal police have bugged my house and that someone follows me every time i go for a walk up the street. oh, that's just my shadow...)

 

nah, it's fine!!

 

:)