Ex wants me back after year apart

[lovesfool]

To give you a brief background to my situation, I was dating a guy for a few months. We were both new to the dating scene, not having been in a relationship before, so it was all a new experience for both of us. There were some intimacy issues and neither of us were very good at expressing our emotions. I felt him get distant, so asked him about it a number of times, but he said everything was fine. Finally he decided to break up with me, saying that he was too busy with work and that he would be working abroad for a year and said it was best to end it now instead of dragging it on.

 

Of course I didn't believe him. I just assumed he didn't like me anymore, but he always denied this.

 

I tried to contact him a couple of months after the breakup, but he ignored me for almost a year. He reinitiated contact about 6 months ago expressing interest in getting back together once he returned home. Two weeks ago he landed back in the country and messaged me, asking to meet.

 

He flat out said he wanted to try our relationship again. He said that the real reason he broke up with me was because we weren't like a real couple (moving abroad was a secondary issue). We weren't very intimate, we never really expressed our feelings to each other and that we were more like friends than girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

I don't know if I can believe him. He never mentioned these reasons when we broke up (maybe because like he said, we weren't good at expressing ourselves). Then he ignored me for months, which to me sounds like someone that doesn't care, but he claims it would have been too difficult to stay in contact.

 

I am just worried that he's not completely honest with me and actually just dumped me because he was tired of our relationship and wanted to try dating again, then when he realised there wasn't anything else out there, he came back to me. Of course he denies this.

 

Is it a good idea to try and rekindle things? From what he has said to me, it sounds like he has really thought long and hard about our relationship and what was wrong and how we can make it work. Maybe he has learned a lot from our time apart, I don't know. I can only go by what he says. He always expressed an interest in getting back together, but I just thought it was to lessen the blow of the breakup.

 

After we broke up, I would have done anything to get him back. I asked for advice a few times here, and after months of dwelling on trying to get him back, I took another approach and thought about all of his negative traits, to try and move on. I am worried these things are clouding my vision again. There are some things I don't like about him - his friends seem unlikable (from stories he's told me), he is very poor at texting me back, he smokes, I also saw him litter a couple of times. I don't know if I am just being very picky or if these are real issues.

 

I did make a list of all of his good traits as well, and really his good traits won out without a doubt. He's intelligent, witty, ambitious and he makes me laugh. Thinking about being back with him makes me really happy.

 

But I am still having doubts, maybe just because he hurt me the first time around. Is it worth trying things again, or am I being foolish and setting myself up for emotional pain in the future?

[Syirrus]

To give you a brief background to my situation, I was dating a guy for a few months. We were both new to the dating scene, not having been in a relationship before, so it was all a new experience for both of us. There were some intimacy issues and neither of us were very good at expressing our emotions. I felt him get distant, so asked him about it a number of times, but he said everything was fine. Finally he decided to break up with me, saying that he was too busy with work and that he would be working abroad for a year and said it was best to end it now instead of dragging it on.

 

Of course I didn't believe him. I just assumed he didn't like me anymore, but he always denied this.

 

I tried to contact him a couple of months after the breakup, but he ignored me for almost a year. He reinitiated contact about 6 months ago expressing interest in getting back together once he returned home. Two weeks ago he landed back in the country and messaged me, asking to meet.

 

He flat out said he wanted to try our relationship again. He said that the real reason he broke up with me was because we weren't like a real couple (moving abroad was a secondary issue). We weren't very intimate, we never really expressed our feelings to each other and that we were more like friends than girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

I don't know if I can believe him. He never mentioned these reasons when we broke up (maybe because like he said, we weren't good at expressing ourselves). Then he ignored me for months, which to me sounds like someone that doesn't care, but he claims it would have been too difficult to stay in contact.

 

I am just worried that he's not completely honest with me and actually just dumped me because he was tired of our relationship and wanted to try dating again, then when he realised there wasn't anything else out there, he came back to me. Of course he denies this.

 

Is it a good idea to try and rekindle things? From what he has said to me, it sounds like he has really thought long and hard about our relationship and what was wrong and how we can make it work. Maybe he has learned a lot from our time apart, I don't know. I can only go by what he says. He always expressed an interest in getting back together, but I just thought it was to lessen the blow of the breakup.

 

After we broke up, I would have done anything to get him back. I asked for advice a few times here, and after months of dwelling on trying to get him back, I took another approach and thought about all of his negative traits, to try and move on. I am worried these things are clouding my vision again. There are some things I don't like about him - his friends seem unlikable (from stories he's told me), he is very poor at texting me back, he smokes, I also saw him litter a couple of times. I don't know if I am just being very picky or if these are real issues.

 

I did make a list of all of his good traits as well, and really his good traits won out without a doubt. He's intelligent, witty, ambitious and he makes me laugh. Thinking about being back with him makes me really happy.

 

But I am still having doubts, maybe just because he hurt me the first time around. Is it worth trying things again, or am I being foolish and setting myself up for emotional pain in the future?

 

I don't think you are being foolish, just a human with feelings. You're feelings matter and when I read your post, I see that you are still very much hurt from the experience you had with him. Yes there were feelings there, but I believe your instincts/gut about him are correct. He wasn't completely honest with you, so why should you trust him with something sacred.... that's you .

 

As much of a great feeling it may be to speak with or to contemplate being something with him, I think it's too soon to tell. The time for that was a year ago, but you weren't on his radar enough for him to even be forthcoming. That's not a knock on you, you definitely have the moral high ground. I wouldn't trust it personally, but if you enchanted by the possibility, I would make him work for it.

 

Does that make sense?

 

John

[xpaperxcutx]

Well, you have to ask yourself this question- DO YOU want to give it a try again?

 

 

Has he changed at all to make you reconsider him again?

 

 

In all honesty, I think when a guy breaks up with you, there's always likely chance that they will want to break up with you.

 

 

Also, I would like to point out that his excuse for wanting the first breakup made it seem that the two of you were incompatible. If you guys lacked chemistry to begin with, what could have changed a year on to make things work again?

 

 

He only just got back to the country. I think it would be best if the two of you reconnect as friends first before jumping back into the relationship. His past behavior of ignoring you raises red flags.

[lovesfool]

Well, you have to ask yourself this question- DO YOU want to give it a try again?

 

If it wasn't for the lingering doubts about why he broke up with me in the first place, I would have said yes.

 

Has he changed at all to make you reconsider him again?

 

He most certainly appears to be more expressive and has grown since we were in a relationship.

 

In all honesty, I think when a guy breaks up with you, there's always likely chance that they will want to break up with you.

 

Do you mean break up with me again?

 

Also, I would like to point out that his excuse for wanting the first breakup made it seem that the two of you were incompatible. If you guys lacked chemistry to begin with, what could have changed a year on to make things work again?

 

We were both in a weird place in our lives where we didn't really know what we were doing. We both had some emotional issues and were fearful of being open with each other.

 

He only just got back to the country. I think it would be best if the two of you reconnect as friends first before jumping back into the relationship. His past behavior of ignoring you raises red flags.

 

I think you are right. Once he began ignoring me I took it as a sign that he didn't care about me. He denies it, but how can I believe him? Is there any way of overcoming that doubt?

[Justme1977]

try one date before making any decisions.

[lovesfool]

I do plan to meet him. I've already spoken to him about the breakup, and how badly he treated me by ignoring me with no explanation. He said he was sorry and didn't realise that the way he broke up with me was really awful on me.

 

On the one hand I can understand if someone wants to permanently break up with you, no contact is the way to go indefinitely. But now he's saying he always wanted to get back together, but the time wasn't right until now.

 

Is that a fair excuse? Should I forgive him for the way he acted? I thought if he really cared for me he would have more consideration and wouldn't have ignored me (he said it would have been to hard on both of us to talk so soon after our break up).

 

Could it be put down to that this was his first relationship and didn't know how to deal with it?

 

I don't want to let him think that how he behaved was okay, but I don't want to be too harsh on him either. It's my first and only real relationship and I really don't know how to deal with this

[lovesfool]

This is a hypothetical situation for you to consider. Your ex has dumped you for whatever reason - long distance/incompatible/personal issues, it's not important. They ignore any attempt at contact from you to have a "clean break". Eventually they reach out, you both see what went wrong with the relationship and want to get back together.

 

You have looked at every aspect of why your relationship didn't work before, what has changed since and you know you can make it work, and you both are very willing to make it work. Put simply, you know it is worth trying again.

 

Even if you know you could have a great relationship, can you ever forgive an ex who ignored you after a break up? Is this a dealbreaker in a second chance relationship?

[carhill]

Even if you know you could have a great relationship, can you ever forgive an ex who ignored you after a break up?

 

I can't speak to relationships but I know what it was like to be ignored and abandoned during a marriage (after doesn't matter to me) and, while I won't speak ill of my exW, I'd sooner put a gun to my head than go through that again with that person. Perhaps that's short-sighted and people change but, with billions of people out there, I'd rather take another shot with someone else or be alone than deal with the risk of that again.

 

I would expect an ex to ignore me after we broke up or divorced. When I'm done with someone they cease to exist. Pretty normal stuff to me. We had our time. It's done.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

This is a hypothetical situation for you to consider. Your ex has dumped you for whatever reason - long distance/incompatible/personal issues, it's not important. They ignore any attempt at contact from you to have a "clean break". Eventually they reach out, you both see what went wrong with the relationship and want to get back together.

 

You have looked at every aspect of why your relationship didn't work before, what has changed since and you know you can make it work, and you both are very willing to make it work. Put simply, you know it is worth trying again.

 

Even if you know you could have a great relationship, can you ever forgive an ex who ignored you after a break up? Is this a dealbreaker in a second chance relationship?

 

Depends on the specific girl, time elapse, and if the juice is worth the squeeze,

Depends on the relationship and the reason for the break, all of which are important to me.

If they wronged me somehow, or disrespected me in some way,

It wouldn't even be a question, there'd be no relationship on ANY day.

 

However, if it WAS a clean break, and there was no disrespect or cheating for cause,

If it wasn't a breakup so she could simply enjoy someone else with the relationship on 'pause',

If it wasn't to respect her new man's wishes that she avoided contact with you,

Then.....maybe, just maybe, I'd consider doing a round 2.