Hurt and

[LG13]

Hi All,

 

 

I am a MM and had a 4 month affair with a MW. I am married18 years to a great person but I fell out of love a long time ago. We were very young when she got pregnant (H18, M19) so we got married very quickly and build a life together.

 

 

I met my affair partner a few years ago, she is married to my wifes cousin (who was also my friend).We spend a huge amount of time in each others company and I felt very strongly for her but didn't think she felt the same until a few months ago when she kissed me. That was the beginning

 

 

We have shared some amazing time together, not just sex butour souls. I do love her very much but felt terrible all the time about the affair (Guilty, Insecure, Kids involved etc..). It got to the point where we planned to be together for good but when I reflected on that, I realised that we would be sacrificing our kids happiness for our own and that in the long term I would not be able to live with myself and this would put a huge strain on our relationship.

 

 

I finished the affair about 1 month ago and it has been N/Csince then. I felt a lot of pain and loneliness but assumed it would pass. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and If anything the pain is getting worse. I miss her so much I am actually physically hurting. I feel like contacting her but the reasons for finishing are still there:

 

 

At this point there are only 2 options (I could never goback to having an affair again)

 

 

a) finish my marriage and confess everything to our spouses,which she said she would do many times but not sure now since I finished it and hurt her even though I had promised many times I would never leave or

 

 

b) leave things as they are now.. This option is hurting so bad, I have never felt love like I did in this relationship and feel I maynever have this again

 

 

I know what I have done is terrible and feel bad about it but dont regret having the affair as it is the only time I ever experiencedlove like this

 

 

I just felt I needed to share this with someone

[Sassy Girl]

I think you should both confess to your affair because it will snap you right out of that affair bubble quicker than your head can spin.

 

Once you see the fallout from your double betrayal and all the cards are on the table you can begin to move forward openly and authentically:

 

Who knows - your spouses might not want to reconcile after the betrayal which will leave you both free and clear to sail off into the sunset together.

 

But finally - and this is the best reason- set your spouses free to be loved the way they deserve. To be honored and treasured by loyal, faithful partners. They deserve that, don't you think?

[LG13]

I think you should both confess to your affair because it will snap you right out of that affair bubble quicker than your head can spin.

 

Once you see the fallout from your double betrayal and all the cards are on the table you can begin to move forward openly and authentically:

 

Who knows - your spouses might not want to reconcile after the betrayal which will leave you both free and clear to sail off into the sunset together.

 

But finally - and this is the best reason- set your spouses free to be loved the way they deserve. To be honored and treasured by loyal, faithful partners. They deserve that, don't you think?

 

 

Thanks Sassy Girl for your input, I would have had the same views before my affair and I am not going to try defend what cannot be defended.

All I can say is this happened and made me realise that I am not the person I thought I was. But strangely enough I dont regret it.

[Sassy Girl]

Thanks Sassy Girl for your input, I would have had the same views before my affair and I am not going to try defend what cannot be defended.

All I can say is this happened and made me realise that I am not the person I thought I was. But strangely enough I dont regret it.

 

So who do you want to be?

 

Regret is a funny thing. It's hard to find regret when youve not had to face the consequences of your actions. Confession should fix that.

[LG13]

So who do you want to be?

 

 

I want to be a good husband and father. I also want to be with someone that I love. But I cant have both. so I choose to try be a good father by ending Affair and going N/C. Im in day 30.

 

Regret is a funny thing. It's hard to find regret when youve not had to face the consequences of your actions. Confession should fix that.

 

 

Agree...its easy to say I dont regret it as I havnt had to deal with DDay like some other stories here. I know its easy to say but deep down I know I still would not regret the time we shared. I would have regrets about hurting people who are innocent..partners, kids etc..

[ladydesigner]

Thanks Sassy Girl for your input, I would have had the same views before my affair and I am not going to try defend what cannot be defended.

All I can say is this happened and made me realise that I am not the person I thought I was. But strangely enough I dont regret it.

 

That's because no one else knows. If you told your wife I bet you would feel some kind of regret.

 

Sorry I just noticed Sassy Girl had the same response

[ladydesigner]

Agree...its easy to say I dont regret it as I havnt had to deal with DDay like some other stories here. I know its easy to say but deep down I know I still would not regret the time we shared. I would have regrets about hurting people who are innocent..partners, kids etc..

 

I thought this at one time too, but I have regret now that I am 7 years out from my A. There are no warm fuzzies left for my xAp

[CarrieT]

For many children who grow up in households where there has been an infidelity, many find out as adults that their parents "stayed for the children."

 

The loveless relationship between the parents is more than evident by the children and what hurts them more? Teaching them that living and staying in a marriage where there is no love is more important than "sacrificing" themselves for their children?

 

See the double standard here? I believe you do more damage to kids by subjecting them to a family life where the parents aren't honest with each other about their feelings and maintain a "front" that is mostly transparent.

 

My nephew and niece went through that kind of hell and, as adults, finally had the gumption to ask their parents, "Why did you stay together when it was obvious you didn't love each other and were in a hateful marriage?"

[privategal]

I wouldn't stay. You get one life..stay and sacrifice happiness, leave and deal with regret people were hurt but its still authentic, still kids recover, still leaving is the honest route.

Leave either way and know you tried to stay but you both deserve love.

Let your xap know how you feel. Let her know and see where she stands but dont stay.

It would hurt me for my spouse to go but would hurt worse if he stayed where his heart wasn't in it.

My parents divorced, my mother remarried and divorced again. Im resilient, sucessful, any challenges or unhappiness I face is not because I am a product of divorce.

It doesn't have to be ugly, you don't have to have a bitter divorce. You can coparent and be friends.

You can be free and still be a wonderful loving parent.

Be brave here. Staying is easy but you will live a long painful life instead of taking the chance to go.

Its ok it didn't work. Kids will recover if you show love and take time to adjust and do ic before fully jumping both feet in with ap if shes willing to take a chance.

[Sweetgirlie]

I wouldn't stay. You get one life..stay and sacrifice happiness, leave and deal with regret people were hurt but its still authentic, still kids recover, still leaving is the honest route.

Leave either way and know you tried to stay but you both deserve love.

Let your xap know how you feel. Let her know and see where she stands but dont stay.

It would hurt me for my spouse to go but would hurt worse if he stayed where his heart wasn't in it.

My parents divorced, my mother remarried and divorced again. Im resilient, sucessful, any challenges or unhappiness I face is not because I am a product of divorce.

It doesn't have to be ugly, you don't have to have a bitter divorce. You can coparent and be friends.

You can be free and still be a wonderful loving parent.

Be brave here. Staying is easy but you will live a long painful life instead of taking the chance to go.

Its ok it didn't work. Kids will recover if you show love and take time to adjust and do ic before fully jumping both feet in with ap if shes willing to take a chance.

 

 

You may find as I did that your AP gets cold feet and suddenly doesn't want to lose the life they have known.

[LG13]

For many children who grow up in households where there has been an infidelity, many find out as adults that their parents "stayed for the children."

 

The loveless relationship between the parents is more than evident by the children and what hurts them more? Teaching them that living and staying in a marriage where there is no love is more important than "sacrificing" themselves for their children?

 

See the double standard here? I believe you do more damage to kids by subjecting them to a family life where the parents aren't honest with each other about their feelings and maintain a "front" that is mostly transparent.

 

My nephew and niece went through that kind of hell and, as adults, finally had the gumption to ask their parents, "Why did you stay together when it was obvious you didn't love each other and were in a hateful marriage?"

Thanks Carrie for you thoughts. I too have thought about this - staying in loveless relationships would be bad for the kids in the long run but then I think that maybe I am playing mind games with myself so that I get the answer I want (which is to spend the rest of my life with AP) and justifying it by saying that it is actully better for the kids then current situation...when all I know is that it would cause a lot of hurt for them in the short term. My affair partners kids are younger (3 and 10), mine are 13 and 15.

[LG13]

I wouldn't stay. You get one life..stay and sacrifice happiness, leave and deal with regret people were hurt but its still authentic, still kids recover, still leaving is the honest route.

Leave either way and know you tried to stay but you both deserve love.

Let your xap know how you feel. Let her know and see where she stands but dont stay.

It would hurt me for my spouse to go but would hurt worse if he stayed where his heart wasn't in it.

My parents divorced, my mother remarried and divorced again. Im resilient, sucessful, any challenges or unhappiness I face is not because I am a product of divorce.

It doesn't have to be ugly, you don't have to have a bitter divorce. You can coparent and be friends.

You can be free and still be a wonderful loving parent.

Be brave here. Staying is easy but you will live a long painful life instead of taking the chance to go.

Its ok it didn't work. Kids will recover if you show love and take time to adjust and do ic before fully jumping both feet in with ap if shes willing to take a chance.

thanks Privategal, I am very tempted to contact AP and tell her how I feel but not sure if that would be fair if I have not fully decided what I want to do...on the other hand she may say that she is now not willing to leave her life in which case I can stop thinking about all the "what ifs" and it would make things simplier. On the other hand she may say she is willing and then I would feel the ball is totally in my court and I would have to make the decision....but by doing nothing time is just moving on but I am not!

[LG13]

You may find as I did that your AP gets cold feet and suddenly doesn't want to lose the life they have known.

 

 

agree this could happen and then I would have to accept it. But I would know I tried everything I could do even if that meant getting rejected!

 

 

Although she did say many times that she wanted to be with me and would make the move. Although her kids are quite young and her husband is a good father - that might affect her decision if this was to become real "make or brake"!

[Syirrus]

I think having the affair was an expression of what you wanted out of what you were missing. I think the best thing to do for yourself is to confess. If not, it will hang over you. It's not the end of the world in the big scheme of things. What's important is that you figure out who you really are, because in the end you have to sleep with yourself regardless of who agrees with your decisions or not.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Syirrus

[NewLeaf512]

I think there is a third option

 

 

C. keep N/C. keep going to IC. It's all pretty new. Your A has a whole other dimensions because it involves the cousin of your wife. Your children have to come first. Do nothing other than N/C, go to therapy and try to work on things with your BW for a period of time that you agree with your therapist. (I'd say a year) In most cases I'd advocate for confession to your BW, and that is probably still the thing that must happen but not when you are still flip flopping in your head about how much you miss OW. This back and forth has the potential to hurt your BS and children more.

 

 

If at the end of the year, you still cant see a way to having a loving relationship with BS treating her as she deserves, you must leave her. Even if you can treat her in the way she deserves, and want to stay, both involve a confession, I just don't know if I'd mention it was BS cousin.

 

 

The BS will have more to offer here than I.

 

 

As that was a bit rambling:

 

 

for now: No A. Keep N/C. Go to therapy. Work through your crap until you know what you are doing for about a year, less if you can. Confess and leave, confess and beg BS to keep you. I don't know if I would reveal it is BS cousin.

 

 

Over to you all BS....

[Popsicle]

I say pick option B. In time your feelings will fade, if you want them too and accept the situation.

 

Don't confess and put your W and kids in pain too. Likely your M will change very little anyway. Stay in IC and work on valuing your M.

[lemondrop21]

You mentioned that you are going to counseling. Does your therapist feel that you should confess, or have you mentioned this to him/her as a possibility? There are a lot of pro-confession people here on this board and it may be the way to go, however we don't know the details of your situation so it may be best to talk it out with someone who knows more, if you are considering going that route.

 

In terms of reaching out to your AP... I think I agree with your instinct that it's a bit hurtful to her for you to do this at this point, since you haven't yet made the decision to leave your wife. If her feelings for you were as intense as your feelings were for her, then I think she will VERY likely be willing to take you back once you've left your wife.

[LG13]

You mentioned that you are going to counseling. Does your therapist feel that you should confess, or have you mentioned this to him/her as a possibility? There are a lot of pro-confession people here on this board and it may be the way to go, however we don't know the details of your situation so it may be best to talk it out with someone who knows more, if you are considering going that route.

 

In terms of reaching out to your AP... I think I agree with your instinct that it's a bit hurtful to her for you to do this at this point, since you haven't yet made the decision to leave your wife. If her feelings for you were as intense as your feelings were for her, then I think she will VERY likely be willing to take you back once you've left your wife.

 

 

I rang my AP today. I told her how I felt and we spoke for about 1.5 hrs. So she said she feels the same as I do. Doest love her H and wants to be with me for rest of our lives.

We both agreed that we are not going back to having an affair. So now it is to plan how to move things forward and minimising the hurt for everyone involved.

 

 

I am scared of the impact and in some ways it is still surreal (I know! when the confessions start it wont be surreal for long).

 

 

Today was about me telling her that I love her and seeing if she felt the same, which she said she did. I asked her to have a good think about things and we can talk again tomorrow. Once we both agree a way forward, we can then make our confessions.

 

 

There will be no physical contact until we are together as a normal couple.

This will take time, probably months but I hope it can work out.

 

 

Thanks for all the advice (even the advice I didnt follow).

[Lois_Griffin]

Why does your ex-OW have to be in agreement to leave her marriage in order for you to leave yours?

 

How about you leave your marriage on your OWN steam because the love is gone for you and you're just going through the motions at this point?

 

Stop being a damned coward and needing to have someone waiting for you on the other side. Are you that much of a child that you can't live on your own and take care of yourself? Jesus.

[amomwhoknows]

I want to tell you how terribly complicated this is going to be because SHE IS YOUR COUSIN'S WIFE. Can you imagine how awful this is going to be for him? How will you manage family gatherings? Will you show up at Cousin Sue's wedding with the OW while he is there too.

 

To be clear, friends don't do this to friends.

 

Affair love often isn't real. It is a fantasy -- no real life experiences, no challenges, just the rush of the cheating.

 

Get a divorce if that is what you both want. Stay the hell away from each other for a really long time and then see.

 

But this isn't going to go well at all.

[LG13]

Why does your ex-OW have to be in agreement to leave her marriage in order for you to leave yours?

 

How about you leave your marriage on your OWN steam because the love is gone for you and you're just going through the motions at this point?

 

Stop being a damned coward and needing to have someone waiting for you on the other side. Are you that much of a child that you can't live on your own and take care of yourself? Jesus.

 

 

This is complicated

 

 

1) I am in love with OW and it would obviously affect a number of things (timing, type of accommodation etc..) if we are planningto be together.

2) I do feel like a coward some times - not confessing everything and being with the person I love. Leaving her with someone that she doesn't love. But I was conflicted due to Kids being involved.

3) I have come to terms that my M is over either way but could stick it out for another few years for sake of Kids if OW wasnt in my life.

[amomwhoknows]

This is complicated

 

 

1) I am in love with OW and it would obviously affect a number of things (timing, type of accommodation etc..) if we are planningto be together.

2) I do feel like a coward some times - not confessing everything and being with the person I love. Leaving her with someone that she doesn't love. But I was conflicted due to Kids being involved.

3) I have come to terms that my M is over either way but could stick it out for another few years for sake of Kids if OW wasnt in my life.

 

You are going to move straight in with each other. Terrible plan.

 

Are you aware of the statistics related to second marriages? (they are even worse when children are involved.)

[LG13]

I want to tell you how terribly complicated this is going to be because SHE IS YOUR COUSIN'S WIFE. Can you imagine how awful this is going to be for him? How will you manage family gatherings? Will you show up at Cousin Sue's wedding with the OW while he is there too.

 

To be clear, friends don't do this to friends.

 

Affair love often isn't real. It is a fantasy -- no real life experiences, no challenges, just the rush of the cheating.

 

Get a divorce if that is what you both want. Stay the hell away from each other for a really long time and then see.

 

But this isn't going to go well at all.

 

 

No she is the wife of my wifes cousin who was also my friend...so we wont be involved in that family circle after we are toghter but it is complicated none the less as my in-laws wont be happy and they will be involved in my childrens lives...and it scares me but on the other hand I love this person..not just a few months we have been in each others lives for years and the love has grown over that time...if I'm honest our emotional affair started about 2 years ago...

[LG13]

You are going to move straight in with each other. Terrible plan.

 

Are you aware of the statistics related to second marriages? (they are even worse when children are involved.)

 

Not sure if we are going to move in straight away...this will take months but I plan on purchasing a house for me to live in... and it would need to be suitable for the "new family" situaiton...I dont have all the answers this is all just happening...we will talk it over a lot more before we do anything...

[Lovemesomehim]

I think confessing is the best option. It will hurt the spouses but you knew that when you decided to have an affair.