What do I tell adopted sibling?

[Tread Carefully]

I really need some advice because I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

I am my Mom's youngest child. She had 5 children. She was forced to give up the 3rd one for adoption because she wasn't married. My siblings were all very much older than me so when I was growing up it was mostly just her and I. She told me all about my brother she had to give up except who his father was. She was always sad when she talked about him. She really did love him.

 

I was little but I promised her I would find him for her. I kept my promise. I did everything I could and finally a little information was released to me. It came while she was on her death bed. I told her everything. She cried a lot but was comforted knowing this info.

 

Finally, a few years later, my info was released to him and he found me. It was wonderful to talk to him and share pictures! There have been sooo many emotions! It was hard telling him that she and 2 of my siblings had died. As expected he is full of questions about our Mom and our life etc. My remaining sibling and I have talked about this and we're not sure what all to tell him.

 

See, growing up, we always called him the 'Lucky One'. He escaped.

Our Mom was not the best Mom in the world but she did try. She was very physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. Very.

 

I have good memories of her that I want to share but I don't know about the rest. Do we tell him the truth? How do I do this? It will hurt him!

 

I really don't know what to do. Can anyone help, please?

[almond]

Tell him the truth - he deserves to know. He is an adult (I assume), and he will be able to handle it okay. Share the good along with the bad, but don't lie to him.

[Tayla]

Sure! Tell him with compassion and respect for the lady who made a decision that haunted her til her last breath. Being tactful is an art. Who is it serving for you to tell your childhood when he knows nothing of that life? weigh out what benefit it would do him.

 

I recall after my parent passed, many a dark secret was uttered because my mom wasn't there to defend herself. Luckily I understood all to well the real reason folks chose to wait to share... marring the soul of a life lived in not the best of situations seemed to make them feel better... yet I saw there darken hearts... and it saddened me to know there is unkindness amongst the living. Lesson learned.

[SolG]

Hello OP. I'm adopted. I consider myself incredibly blessed

 

We are whence we came. No matter how well adjusted, most adoptees have a sense of something missing in the absence of full knowledge of their origins. Not just the identity of the biological parents, but the circumstances and whys, and who they really were/are as people.

 

It's actually really important to know the whole truth. Warts and all. It's difficult to explain... But putting those little pieces back in the empty spaces of identity... It really helps with the 'primal wound'.

[TaraMaiden2]

Is it possible her abusive behaviour was HER way of off-loading the guilt of having given her child up for adoption?

 

Please know: I am not for one nano-second suggesting you should make allowances for her behaviour, excuse it, or justify it.

 

Abuse is wrong, whatever the reasons and fundamental and underpinning causes.

But abuse is a symptom of a personal problem.

No person is abusive and cruel, and doesn't have a background issue or psychological mis-wire for inflicting pain and suffering on others.

 

Nobody is cruel and abusive, simply because they're cruel and abusive.

Be it a mental issue, psychological or overt and obvious - there's always an underlying cause.

 

Which is why I wondered if this wasn't some kind of self-hatred transference to you as children, because she hated herself for having given her son up for adoption, and a resentment that you were still with her...

 

This isn't to justify or explain her behaviour, with a view of dismissing it.

 

I hope you've managed to work through the experiences you had, and were able to find some forgiveness and peace in your heart for her actions...

 

I merely offer this as a means of making it easier for you to explain or reveal her behaviour to your brother....

[Tread Carefully]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses.

 

SolG-

I think that's what he's been trying to tell us, without directly telling us. He's been so excited and has so many questions, as do his children. I just didn't want to hurt him. He has really nice parents that raised him. I'm very thankful for that.

 

Tara-

My Mom's upbringing was much like my own, she didn't know any different I guess. You are correct though that she did harbor a ton of resentment for her first two children for having to give up the third. She did not have an easy life by any means. The instant I saw her in bed sick with cancer, I forgave her absolutely everything. She's my Mom and she did her best with what she had.

 

As for me, I've been through a lot of counseling because I went the complete opposite direction. I was the 'fixer' and the people pleaser. So yeah, lots of counseling before she died and after she died. It was an immense help and I learned a lot.

 

Thank you again everyone for caring enough to post. Thinking about this is bringing back some not so awesome memories. I wanted to spare him that but the first poster was right, he's an adult with grown children of his own.

 

I'm leaning more towards telling the truth but do I go into detail or just what I'm comfortable with?

[TaraMaiden2]

Why not just tell him the basics and let him ask questions in his own time?

Then answer those questions in as unbiased and compassionate a way as you can.

 

Sometimes, when we feed information, the other person may want to know everything, but they may not be ready to know everything.

If you let him ask, and investigate things himself - then he will gauge his own receptivity.

And if you are gentle in your telling, all will be well....

Don't think you have to take the lead, simply because YOU found HIM.

 

If he's a grown man with a family, he probably has a head on his shoulders.

Let HIM use it.