How do you trust again when so many people have betrayed you?

[AD1980]

I'm usually a very easy going person who's also fiercely loyal to people I love and try to stay positive..But lately Ive had very close friends and family members betray that trust..either stabbing me in the back or just forgetting our relationship all together..

 

How do I not get cynical and still have a trust in people when I've been screwed by people I've trusted and given my heart too?

 

I never wanted to be the cynical type who says all people are selfish and only out for themselves but it's becoming harder by the day not to think that way..

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I'd like to hear some suggestions on this as well. For too long I've been the nice guy and end up getting walked all over and/or cheated on. I've been doing more things for myself but I'm with the OP...always eager to hear more.

[StalwartMind]

Trust comes in many layers but no matter how safe or secure we may feel, it can easily be shattered in an instant. I don't believe you can ever fully protect yourself from someone misusing it, however there are many ways to combat potential disappointment, by improving your approach to different situations. My view is my own, it may not work for everyone, but it's at least a perspective from one individual.

 

I'm a very dedicated and compassionate individual, I give everything to those I have close to me, because I'm an all in person. This in theory also makes disappointment feel all the much more hurtful and worse when it does happen, but I can't imagine living a life without putting my trust in others.

 

So with that said, I actually encourage everyone to be skeptical, but never so much that you limit yourself from actually enjoying things or giving all of you to someone else again. Consider it more in the sense of being cautious and protecting your own interest. No matter how well you know someone or for how long, most people change over the course of time. To me consistency, honesty and actions matching words, are the key factors to decipher a situation. Will we ever know the full truth of any other individual, absolutely not, but if you surround yourself with people who do have some high integrity, who delivers time after time, then you are in what could be considered as a very fortunate and ideal situation.

 

No matter what, none of us must ever become complacent, be it with giving who we are, or what to expect in return with any kind of relationship. I don't want people in my company, who doesn't feel comfortable around me or who feel like they can't tell me things. I'm a very non judgmental person, so no matter how someone may feel I'll always be understanding, even if I may not necessarily enjoy or agree with it. No one is ever at their very best, we all have ups and downs, sometimes we are beside ourselves. No matter what, I do feel that if you can communicate, and have done so consistently, then you will typically have a pretty good idea if the current circumstances are matching the personality or traits of said person.

 

Any relationship requires effort and for you to invest yourself into that person so you understand every thought and reaction. It's by all means not easy, and no matter how well you know someone, there is always the risk one day things will change. If you do keep this in your mind always, not as a dominant thought, but just in the back of your head, then you shouldn't be surprised no matter what someone else may do. Basically you have to learn to live life, by accepting that anything is possible, either things will happen or they won't. I like to believe I'm a very dependable person, as such means everything to me. I also know that other people place value on the same things, and I like surrounding myself with similar minded folks.

 

No matter how good or great someone is, especially if you are entering a new relationship or friendship, don't just blindly believe others. Let them prove themselves and over time you'll discover if their words are met by corresponding actions. While patience may not be a critical issue, it certainly doesn't hurt if someone has it.

 

When you've had your world and trust shattered, it can and will take time to build up the mental capability to trust in others again. It can be hard to determine initially if a person is genuine or not, but again let anyone prove themselves to you. We all expect and require different things, as long as you feel your criteria is being met, then proceed and let things develop. No matter how other people may try to abuse, manipulate, deceive you, don't let that change the person you are. Do however let any bad experience be a lesson, and use it to protect yourself from feeling the same kind of intense hurt.

 

In a way all humans are selfish, all our actions and expectations are driven by our own desire. This certainly doesn't paint a beautiful images of humans as a race, but there's no real way around that. I can understand people ending up becoming cynical, negative, pessimistic and otherwise despising other humans, however no matter what happens or how others treat you, it should never be to the point where you feel the loss to enjoy life as you perhaps once did. The more we rely our own happiness on other people, the more prone we are to experience and feel disappointment.

 

The hardest and possibly most brutal part that very few will like to hear is that, you need to eliminate all negative aspects of your life, or it'll keep you tormented as long as you hold on to it. Sadly sometimes, some people have to even let go of their own family. Believe me, someone close to me has experienced some of the worst kind of betrayals you can possibly imagine. It can wreck a person severely, but this just goes to show even more that, none of us should put up with being treated poorly.

 

In the end, those people who are meant to be in our lives and be a big part of it, they will be. I'm not going to hold myself back from giving all I have and nor should anyone else. Every day is full of disappointment but also joy, some days just one or the other, but that's how life is. No matter how many "bad" people are out there, there will also always be good. It's all about finding those and holding on to them. Don't let rejection, betrayal or otherwise being hurt consume you, as you and anyone else who find themselves in a similar situation, you are too beautiful to not be enjoyed by someone else.

[Toodaloo]

The above post by Stalwart is a good one.

 

To learn to trust again you have to learn who you can trust and who to avoid.

 

Then practice by giving out small amounts of trust. Nothing big see how you get on with that. Let people EARN your trust before you go whole heartedly into anything.

 

I have also found that if you live your life in such a way that eliminates the need for others and you know you can cope on your own its much easier.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Sadly most nice people get taken advantage of by those without ethics or morals. People like that are social predators & can sense the weakness that trust is in their victims. Eventually something like the Voight-Kampff empathy test will be available to screen out sociopaths and others with social mental defects. Until then you have to initially trust & keep an eye open for patterns that indicate abusive traits. You also have to look hard at yourself & see if you are doing something that sends out the wrong signals. Abusers prefer easy targets.

[carhill]

First and foremost trust and believe in yourself and whatever happens with others happens and you always come back to yourself.

 

In matters of life consequence, where one's safety or life's work is at stake, utilize an old adage popularized by a past POTUS, Ronald Reagan, "trust, but verify", not in an emotional or paranoid way but rather a matter of fact way, completing the pieces of the trust puzzle in a healthy manner. If things work out, they do. If not, no problem. Billions more to interact with. Yeah, that goes for family too. They're some of the billions, just with similar DNA. No special dispensation.