" I am letting my feelings fade"

[UltimaWeapon]

Quick Recap:

 

Male 24, Female 21

 

Been seeing her since Feb 2015- up until July 2015

 

She wanted a relationship like in the first 2 months- after seeing me a few times. I did not want to rush into anything and wanted to continue to get to know her and develop feelings and just take it easy.

 

I told her straight up everything- I just need more time to be used to all this- I want to continue to see you and its heading in that direction.

 

We agreed at the beginning to only see each other exclusively

 

I have been through a difficult past where I got cheated on by my ex of 4.5 years and many other times where I got played by girls so I was extremely cautious and did not want to rush into something so quick.

 

Everything was great between us- we talked everyday- would see each other once or twice a week. We had sex and the relationship continued to develop and progress and I felt it was finally time to make the move and make things official between us- even though for all purposes in my mind we were a couple- we just needed a title at the end of the day.

 

2 days before I asked her to be official - she told my friends in person " I am waiting on him to make it official between us"

 

I asked her in July to be official with me after she wanted to be in a relationship the entire time...her reply was something I did not expect.

 

She started giving me excuses- why now? why should I when you want to be in one now? You didnt put in any effort- you didn't wine and dine me- I made it too easy for you. 2 months ago when I asked you- you said im not ready but its going in that direction- I took the thought of us being serious out of my mind- now I don't know. You gave me 2 months to doubt you and us, etc.

 

We got into a huge argument and I told her you are giving me bull**** excuses and I don't understand- you are crazy about me and wanted this all along- why are you acting like this now? I yelled and snapped at her and made her cry because of it. I told her she didn't know what she wanted- she says one thing does another- she is spoiled and basically messed everything up right now with her excuses.

 

She told me she was gona say yes to me but since I reacted the way I did she couldn't anymore?? lol

 

Apparently her feelings also managed to change because of this so called argument- literally overnight- and this is a text message convo that I had with her- I was wondering if anyone can give me some insight on what is going on her and why she is saying these things?

 

She did not want to fix anything between us after that argument- completely shut me out for the entire month- did not want to talk about it in person or over the phone- kept saying I am pressuring her and suffocating her and stonewalled me to the point where I couldn't do anything. Eventually at the end of the month of July she just told me

 

" I am out- I don't think I want to do this anymore- your pressuring me too much "

 

All I wanted was to see her in person so we could talk about fixing the situation and just hang out- she just would not let it happen.

 

even went as far as to say Im pushing you away so I can miss you?

 

 

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Here is the text exchange between us :

 

 

Me: What I don't get is how you can flip 180 on me in terms of your feelings. I know they didn't disappear. How could they? that fast?

 

Her: The feelings can be there and they are...but I am not going to date you.

 

Me: See I don't get that at all

 

Her: Well that's too bad

 

Me: If you have those feelings why are you fighting it?

 

Her: I don't have to explain myself (???)

 

Me: Is it your parents?

 

Her: Because I am letting them fade..they are not the reason

 

Me: So your killing your feelings for me..but you wanted this all along. I don't understand that at all...why complicate things when it can be so easy?

 

Her: Because I didn't like who you were that day (referring to the day of the argument) , I didn't like some of the things you said before, I don't like your views on some things. And I am not going to explain further.

 

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Can anyone make sense of this for me? If she has feelings why is she letting it end over such stupid reasons? Those aren't even legitimate reasons to end a relationship over.

 

We had one big argument- I made her cry- I yelled and because of that now shes using all of that against me as the reason behind the break up happening? She kept saying how the day of the argument was a HUGE turn off for her?? IT WAS OUR FIRST FIGHT

 

" No one yells at me like that and I never cry- why should you be any different?"

 

How can you flip ur feelings like this over an argument???

 

What do you guys think about the text convo?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Walk away? She's clearly not interested in seeing you anymore!

[UltimaWeapon]

I have walked away from her and the situation

 

the reason I am posting is because I can't wrap my head around her behavior

 

I am just left with questions and I can't understand why she would throw this all away over something so stupid that can easily be fixed

[Jacob_Duluoz]

She didn't like who you are when you're angry and there appears to be some lurking value issue that's unnamed. If you have a desire for self-punishment you could beg to know why she really really doesn't like you, but she doesn't like you anymore. You two didn't seem to have much to throw away, you're not even official.

 

What's so stupid it can't be fixed? Her complaining you didn't wine and dine her, do you think you're simply going to buy your way into her heart? You should have put in more effort as she noted and said yes when she claims she asked you two months ago! You're not going to fix this, you didn't commit when she wanted and you haven't been the boyfriend she wanted. Her mind has been made up for awhile.

[yxalitis]

It comes down to this...

People can SAY one thing...and FEEL another.

and they do this

 

All

 

The

 

Time

 

There is no point in trying to understand the "WHY"

Just focus on the "What" and move on.

 

Life becomes easier that way

[UltimaWeapon]

She didn't like who you are when you're angry and there appears to be some lurking value issue that's unnamed. If you have a desire for self-punishment you could beg to know why she really really doesn't like you, but she doesn't like you anymore. You two didn't seem to have much to throw away, you're not even official.

 

What's so stupid it can't be fixed? Her complaining you didn't wine and dine her, do you think you're simply going to buy your way into her heart? You should have put in more effort as she noted and said yes when she claims she asked you two months ago! You're not going to fix this, you didn't commit when she wanted and you haven't been the boyfriend she wanted. Her mind has been made up for awhile.

 

She agreed when I told her that I needed more time to let her in and to develop those feelings and more time for me to get used to all this. If she did not agree she could have walked away; she didn't. I was being genuine in my approach- I didn't want to rush into anything at the time- and wanted things to feel right.

 

That was one of the reasons why I was so happy and proud that she agreed- I mean at the end of the day all it was- was a title- we still continued to do everything a couple would do! It's not like I disappeared for 2 months and came back saying " Ye I'm ready for a relationship now!"

 

I was there by her side the entire time

 

I understand it wasn't on her terms anymore but if she had any sort of problems she could have told me about it.

 

I invested my time and put effort into something I thought was going somewhere:

 

- I took her out for drinks several times ( 1 on 1, as well as wit my friends and her friends)

- She came over many times to my place to hangout

- We went swimming and tanning

- We went out clubbing together

- I came to see her for her birthday party and was wit her that night

- I bought her a nice bday card as well as some other small things that I gave her

- we hung out on canada day and she slept over - I took care of her that night because she was drunk

- we went on several dates to parks and different places downtown and just walked around and enjoyed the scenery and views

- She met my entire family as well

 

 

- I bought her a huge bouquet and sent it to her place to apologize for my behavior after our argument that was delivered to her door. I have never done that for anyone before.

 

- I tried with every fibre of my being to fix our situation and just wanted to see her after we had our argument

 

She even told me : We don't have to do anything fancy- as long as I am spending my time with you that's all that matters. I love just hanging out with you and it doesn't matter what we do

 

And I didn't put in any effort???

 

All I didn't do was have dinner with her or take her to the movies and she uses that against me??

 

I didn't want to take her to a fancy dinner until she was truly my GF and we made it official.- I wanted it to be special and something memorable. My Plan was to take her out for dinner after I asked her to be my GF... I did not want to do everything before- otherwise what mystery or surprises can I have after?

Edited August 26, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[UltimaWeapon]

When you ask someone who wanted to be with you the entire time in a full blown relationship (BF GF )and they respond with statements such as this:

 

- You didn't wine and dine me or take me to the movies

- I made it too easy for you

- I threw myself at you

- You put in no effort

- 2 months ago wen I asked you and you said you weren't ready I took that thought of us being official out of my mind

- You want to take my freedom away

- You gave me 2 months to doubt you- and to doubt your relationship..I questioned myself. Why isn't he ready? What am I doing wrong? Am I sure about him? I started comparing myself to you.

 

Where is there a yes in this at all? Its a full blown rejection disguised by excuses. That is exactly how I felt about it. She was never going to say YES. It's like she waited for me to finally make the move so she could reject me because it wasn't on her terms.

 

Who says this to someone when they ask them to be official??? AFTER 6 months of seeing the person!!! Like seriously though?

 

 

If she had any issues why did she stay?? if she was gona use this against me after? She could have walked away at any time. She never did.

 

 

Suddenly because I didn't take her to the movies or dinner she can't be with me?? like??

 

Is it my fault she threw herself at me?? Is it my fault she made it too easy for me?? Am I suppose to chase this girl now? like what did she want? Nothing was ever good enough!!!

 

How immature and childish is this?

Edited August 26, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[Jacob_Duluoz]

Well then in a way, you're cutting your losses aren't you? Life isn't fair.

[Qboro90]

When you posted about this topic previously you were given the advice to pull back and not contact her so that she could relinquish some of the power you'd given her by apologizing to an excessive point and most likely her losing some respect for you along the way. So if you just are looking to rant about how girls don't make sense and it's not fair then say so because the advice you were given could've saved you from exactly the type of exchange you just posted with her.

 

You're trying to prove to her that what she's saying and feeling are opposites and don't make sense. "Why don't you go with your feelings? Why are you trying to let them fade? Are your parents making you do this?" Dude cmon really? Saying things like that is never going to get any girl back together with you.

 

Just accept the fact that she doesn't want to date you and her logic and reasoning behind it are nonsensical. Why doesn't it make sense and why is she being immature about it? Umm because she can and that's what a lot of girls and guys for that matter do. She might not know the exact reason she doesn't wanna try again with you... She just knows she doesn't. So you pushing and asking "why why why?" Is just forcing her to make **** up so you'll leave her alone. Maybe take the advice this time and stop contacting her. See how that works out instead of going about it your way and making this girl really not like you.

[UltimaWeapon]

When you posted about this topic previously you were given the advice to pull back and not contact her so that she could relinquish some of the power you'd given her by apologizing to an excessive point and most likely her losing some respect for you along the way. So if you just are looking to rant about how girls don't make sense and it's not fair then say so because the advice you were given could've saved you from exactly the type of exchange you just posted with her.

 

You're trying to prove to her that what she's saying and feeling are opposites and don't make sense. "Why don't you go with your feelings? Why are you trying to let them fade? Are your parents making you do this?" Dude cmon really? Saying things like that is never going to get any girl back together with you.

 

Just accept the fact that she doesn't want to date you and her logic and reasoning behind it are nonsensical. Why doesn't it make sense and why is she being immature about it? Umm because she can and that's what a lot of girls and guys for that matter do. She might not know the exact reason she doesn't wanna try again with you... She just knows she doesn't. So you pushing and asking "why why why?" Is just forcing her to make **** up so you'll leave her alone. Maybe take the advice this time and stop contacting her. See how that works out instead of going about it your way and making this girl really not like you.

 

I took your advice and have went NC - this exchange was from the beginning of the month when we were still talking

 

I just wanted insight on why she was saying the things she was

Edited August 26, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[Qboro90]

Hahah so you're wondering what a girl is thinking..... Join the freaking club. You'll never really know.. And no one here can tell you, sorry to say. Sometimes there is no logical reason behind it, no steps to how they got to where they are, nothing sensical as to what they say or feel or do. That's why movies are made such as "What women want" and "he's just not that into you".... No one freaking knows. Stop beating yourself up and racking your brain to find the logic behind it. Of course that would help you understand and move on... But she's just too immature or rude to elaborate and/or discuss it further. She might be saying these things because she doesn't want to address a deeper issue and if that's the case then you don't wanna know anyway.

 

If she came out and said "fine jeez I like someone else, can you leave me alone now!?" Would you feel better? Just leave it be, she's done. Talking to her and thinking about it isn't going to change anything.

[UltimaWeapon]

Hahah so you're wondering what a girl is thinking..... Join the freaking club. You'll never really know.. And no one here can tell you, sorry to say. Sometimes there is no logical reason behind it, no steps to how they got to where they are, nothing sensical as to what they say or feel or do. That's why movies are made such as "What women want" and "he's just not that into you".... No one freaking knows. Stop beating yourself up and racking your brain to find the logic behind it. Of course that would help you understand and move on... But she's just too immature or rude to elaborate and/or discuss it further. She might be saying these things because she doesn't want to address a deeper issue and if that's the case then you don't wanna know anyway.

 

If she came out and said "fine jeez I like someone else, can you leave me alone now!?" Would you feel better? Just leave it be, she's done. Talking to her and thinking about it isn't going to change anything.

 

 

I guess in time we will see what happens..and with NC how she reacts to me being truly gone.

 

My birthday is on Saturday- I am expecting her to message me and say happy bday or something like that- what should I do if she messages me?

 

Reply? see the message but dont say anything? or just ignore it all together?

Edited August 26, 2015 by UltimaWeapon

[Qboro90]

"Thank you"

 

 

That's it. Nothing rlse

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm a woman too (though I'm in my thirties now) Here's my take:

 

First, you waited way too long to make things official. Sorry, but dating since February and not being official until July would have me doubting you too.

 

Second, yelling at her and making her cry was a terrible reaction. That only shows that don't know how to manage your emotions. Any doubts she was having were confirmed by this.

 

Third, her feelings didn't change only as a result of this argument. That just sealed the deal. She was probably getting tired of waiting around for you and started to lose interest. Yes, that does happen.

 

Fourth, (and this is only speculation) someone else might have caught her eye. So by the time you finally got around to asking her to be official, she was already mostly out the door and it was easy for her to turn you down.

 

OP, to be honest, you come across as a bit entitled. And I expect you'll disagree with a lot of what I have said. No, you didn't rush into anything but she also doesn't owe you an explanation. She was never your girlfriend. She can walk away if she chooses, and it doesn't really matter if her explanation is satisfactory for you or not. You snapping and yelling just nailed the coffin closed. Anger like that is a huge turn-off, but I don't believe that was the only reason she lost interest and feelings for you. I think it had been coming for a while. And then you trying to convince her that she does have feelings and to stay is weak and a little desperate. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that for whatever reason (and you may never really know why) she doesn't want this anymore. Let it go.

 

Don't expect a birthday message from her. Why would you?

 

If for some reason she does message you, say "thank you." The end.

[spiderlily12]

I feel like you're very confused about what she's thinking and why she can just as you say flip 180 degrees.

 

So I'll try to help by showing you her perspective. But this is just what I think she might be thinking, looking at things you've written, and reflecting on my own experiences as a young girl.

 

In the beginning she was attracted to you as a potential bf. Without necessarily thinking too much about that (she's only 21 remember!) she wanted to date you and be bf/gf because the attraction was there. It wasn't really as though she had thought deeply about being with you long term, she wanted a bf and she liked you, so simple is as simple does. Maybe you fit everything she thought she wanted in a boyfriend well enough.

 

So when you knocked her back that must have stung her pride. It might have even made her want you a bit more. Perhaps she was a little bit impressed that you were taking her/the potential relationship seriously.

 

However you guys continued to act like a couple so that was fine by her since that's what she wanted.

 

In other words, although she said she wanted a "relationship" in the beginning and you didn't, you were both doing the same thing; i.e. sizing the other person up, and trying things out.

 

During this period of you guys "seeing" each other unofficially there must have been things about the relationship she liked and didn't like. That's pretty normal. For example you're older than her. She must have thought you would spoil her, or maybe she just expects that from any bf. She thought you would take her out to expensive dinners and let her dress up, buy her little gifts here and there. Some girls want that in a relationship. You didn't give her that, she was disappointed. There was probably other stuff too.

 

Still there was things in the relationship she did like. She genuinely had feelings for you, enjoyed your time together. So she stuck to it. The whole time she was weighing the pros vs cons too, just like you. She knew you were doing it too since you refused to commit to an official relationship. Deep down she must have wondered what she was doing wrong, why you waited so long to make things official. Although this probably drove her to do things your way a bit, and not raise complaints about things that bothered her- at the same time she would be secretly unhappy about some things and not able to tell you, since well, you had already told her you weren't sure about long term.

 

Also yes the fact that you waited so long would have made her feel a bit rejected, so she would have wanted to make you feel the same way if the tables were turned, and not accept you so easily like she's begging for a relationship with you. She probably has her pride too.

 

In her mind she would have justified it as - well I'm not completely happy now but I won't talk to him about it (or won't talk to him too seriously), since this might drive him away. If in the end doesn't work out, whatever the next guy will treat me better. But in the end if he does want to be together, I'll talk to him about A and B and C, etc etc.

 

When you finally did talk to her - it was her turn. Finally she had the upper hand. From what you told me I think she did have the intention of accepting. This means at this point in time in her mind the good outweighed the bad. But she wanted to put you through your paces, make you beg a bit since she had been doing that for the past few months. She also saw it as her opportunity to speak about what she wanted in the relationship. Basically what she told you: she thought she had "made it too easy for you", and that she had no power in the relationship. All the insecurities and unhappiness she had been bottling up (not to say she didn't have joys as well, she clearly did), finally all came out.

 

Your response was not what she expected. That's not to say you were wrong. I can understand from your perspective you were like WTF, you thought this was what she wanted, why is she making things so difficult. You were being honest and direct. But she wanted you to beg a little bit, tell her how much you loved her and that you too were willing to change to accommodate her needs. Remember she's 21, that's very young. I don't think she had much relationship experience.

 

The fact that you got angry shocked her. It really destroyed her fantasies about your relationship. Perhaps if she was older and she was more realistic, maybe if her feelings for you were stronger, you would have fought and come back stronger.That didn't happen. Either she was too idealistic, unable to deal with the fact that her potential boyfriend might treat her this way (you said you'd never really fought before); or her feelings for you were not at that stage yet, but after this event her feelings of hurt and anger overrode her warm feelings towards you. She's probably thinking she's young, can find someone better who won't "treat her this way", and she can start fresh without all the baggage. She felt sorry for herself and cried because of it.

 

I'm not saying you are wrong. Perhaps in an ideal world you wouldn't have yelled but everyone gets angry. Everyone has a different opinion and perspective and needs and wants. Your one is really easy to understand and not unreasonable. There's very few relationships were couples don't blow up at each other. A sign of whether things are going to work out in the long term is whether the couple cares enough about the relationship to forgive each other, and move on.

 

That's unfortunately not the case with yours. What happened made her give up on you- but probably initially not completely. Like she said her feelings were still there to some degree. She wanted some time to think. She said to you she wanted some time alone to "miss you", and remember the good things about the relationship.

 

However during this time you didn't let her do that. Instead you constantly called her and texted her. She already felt angry and hurt and stressed out by what happened, and your constant barrage of questions made her feel like she was being interrogated. Her feelings for you deteriorated further to the point where she felt like you were bothering her. Also perhaps you seemed desperate to her, which also changed her feelings towards you (previously you were the one she wasn't sure she could get).

 

Again you're not wrong. When I fight with my guy I do want him to call and text me, even if I'm stonewalling him (I'm stubborn). He makes me talk about our problems and so I let it all out, and in the end we talk about it and I feel better. However that's because in the end I'm emotionally invested in the relationship for the long term (as are you probably at this point) - but she's not.

 

Your mistake is assuming she heavily was emotionally invested just because she said she was, whereas she wasn't. She might have made it sound like she was but she wasn't really, at least to a great degree. She liked you and she was trying out the relationship. Like others have said, and exactly as you think, if she was; one fight wouldn't have been enough to tip the scales and suddenly make her scared of your presence.

 

The fact was her feelings for you weren't that strong at that point, or maybe she's too idealistic and clung onto a fantasy of you and your relationship, rather than what an actual relationship.

 

Both not things you can help. Don't beat yourself with it, just move on. There may be a chance after you let things calm down she might come to remember the good things about your relationship (maybe after the next guy she dates isn't 100% Prince Charming either - personally I think they're very boring), but don't bank on it and don't hold out on it.

 

This relationship didn't work out. Even if she had agreed that day, there's still a good chance you would have had a similar fight sooner or later and the same result. Remember good relationships can withstand harsh winds, and yours didn't.

 

Again these are just my conjectures. But maybe there's some truth in it. Hopefully it will help you understand her perspective some what and in turn help you move on

[OMC]

immature psycho. Next...

[ivionthenet]

I think most responses here are quite accurate as to how you should be approaching this situation.

 

Just one more thing to add:

 

When she responded vaguely to your proposal of being official and the scales finally tipped and she brought up totally legit things that weren't even a big deal and you could have easily turned to your advantage ( e.g.:dining out... you could have said: well, honey this is the beginning of me spoiling you rotten as my GF and so on for all the other things)

 

but no

 

you couldn't handle being the one making the effort

 

...instead you freak out because you all of a sudden lost your position as the top dog (after months and months of waiting around on her behalf) and snap at her, YELL at her and make her cry...jeeez what other explanation do you need?

 

she is way happy to have you out of her life and is glad to have dodged the bullet in time

 

you've got serious ego issues

[Versacehottie]

I really couldn't have said it any better than Expat did. I'm sure that is exactly what happened.

 

You wanted to dial it down from the beginning and she allowed it to have a chance with you. She probably wanted more from the beginning in terms of how you were treating her and felt taken for granted and there were probably MANY times during that period where she questioned if she should be with you (to herself privately). When you granted her gf status and it blew up into an argument it was just the final straw. I think it's possible that she is used to be treated more like a princess from some of the things she said. I think the way you handled it showed entitlement and one-sided-ness. Both of you might be immature and inexperienced about this. Though I completely think how she handled break up with you as mature and measured. It's just unfortunate that's all. But keep in mind if you drag things out, and other person wants more, you are always going to be in risk of this result. Too little, too late.

 

I think you might want to re-visit the history of your relationship and ask yourself if what you gave was truly effort or just baseline to get by. You might be able to learn something from that. I'm not sure, but it could be interpreted as giving not very much. From some of the things you said, she also may have been expecting over-the-top too much as that is what she was used to (right or wrong) or material things as an symbol of how much you cared.

 

That fight sounded really ugly and unnecessary. I think it would be a breaking point for a lot of us.

[UltimaWeapon]

 

Both not things you can help. Don't beat yourself with it, just move on. There may be a chance after you let things calm down she might come to remember the good things about your relationship (maybe after the next guy she dates isn't 100% Prince Charming either - personally I think they're very boring), but don't bank on it and don't hold out on it.

 

This relationship didn't work out. Even if she had agreed that day, there's still a good chance you would have had a similar fight sooner or later and the same result. Remember good relationships can withstand harsh winds, and yours didn't.

 

Again these are just my conjectures. But maybe there's some truth in it. Hopefully it will help you understand her perspective some what and in turn help you move on

 

Thank you for your reply- I really appreciate you taking the time out to explain her perspective.

 

I agree I shouldn't have gotten mad at the time but I couldn't help my feelings because to me it was a straight up rejection.

 

There was no yes - she did not seem happy- it wasn't the reaction I thought I would get at all.

 

I waited for her to tell me everything she had to say- I reacted to her AFTER- there was no YES after those excuses and during this time - I was listening to what she was saying and in all honesty its as if she just did not want a relationship.

 

I couldn't help my emotions after because to me this was game playing at it's finest and I got really upset with that.

 

She even told me that day- I waited for you extra 2 months- now I want you to wait for me?? I am like wait for what? you wanted this all along- what am I going to wait for?

 

Shes like my answer? I am like why would I wait when you wanted this all along? shes like well now I need to think about it.

 

 

I don't get this whole I waited for you 2 extra months?? We continued doing everything we always have-we just didn't have a title at the end of the day. It's not like I disappeared 2 months and came back without seeing her once - we continued seeing each other and things continued to develop.

 

suddenly when I want us to be official its an issue??

 

Not only that she stone walled me the entire time after- did not want to meet up in person. claimed how drained and emotionally tired she was, how she did not have motivation to fix anything now. She wanted me to wait the entire month in LIMBO - not talking not doing anything- just waiting on her answer? She claimed her parents did not want her to see me at this point because of the argument and she wanted to " Lay Low" for those 3 weeks until she moved August first (she is literally down the street from me now)

 

Something did not feel right about this at all and I told her so I won't see you at all- shes like probably not unless I am downtown with my friends.

 

I didn't know how to react to this- she was going out partying- hanging out wit friends, but when it came to our situation she needed time to lay low?? Something in my gut feeling screamed she was not being honest with me at all and something else was going on. She had time for everyone else but now suddenly she can't see me to just TALK in person?

 

This was game playing on her end- she even said at the beginning when I asked her- Why should I be in a relationship now that you want one?

 

I was shocked when she said this- because this is all a power trip to her and a source of ego boosting- it's like she got a high from rejecting me

 

How am I suppose to deal with that when my feelings were genuine and I really put myself out there for her- I asked her to be official wit me - that took a lot of courage from me on my end because of all the stuff that happened to me in the past.

 

Also, her feelings/ how she acted towards me never changed- she initiated always- would text me all the time- always would want to see me.

 

She slept over the day of Canada day with me and was with me that night- she was affectionate in public. She told my friends in person " I am waiting on him to make it official"

 

I even told her the night before I was gona ask her to be my gf that there is something that I want to talk to you about and its important- its nothing bad but you will see tomorrow when we hang out.

 

She asked me if I was going to make her my gf and I told her I won't say anything and that she will find out tomorrow (therefore she had an idea of what I was going to do)

 

She even told me after the argument- she was pressured and panicked when I asked her and didn't know how to respond..I have no idea what that means when she wanted a relationship all along and would talk about things like that constantly.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, you now know she doesn't want to make things official so you can move on.

 

All the "why's" and "what if's" won't bring you the answers you want. You can go back and analyze and question everything, but in the end, she had a change of heart.

 

As I said before, I suspect there's more to it than just this last argument. But does it really matter? I don't see how that would necessarily change anything. If she wanted to be with you, she'd have accepted.

[UltimaWeapon]

I think most responses here are quite accurate as to how you should be approaching this situation.

 

Just one more thing to add:

 

When she responded vaguely to your proposal of being official and the scales finally tipped and she brought up totally legit things that weren't even a big deal and you could have easily turned to your advantage ( e.g.:dining out... you could have said: well, honey this is the beginning of me spoiling you rotten as my GF and so on for all the other things)

 

but no

 

you couldn't handle being the one making the effort

 

...instead you freak out because you all of a sudden lost your position as the top dog (after months and months of waiting around on her behalf) and snap at her, YELL at her and make her cry...jeeez what other explanation do you need?

 

she is way happy to have you out of her life and is glad to have dodged the bullet in time

 

you've got serious ego issues

 

 

I got mad at her AFTER her excuses- I waited for her to explain herself and we talked about everything she was saying. There was no YES after those excuses- it was just reason after reason of why she doesn't want too be with me or can't be with me now.

 

The reason I got angry was because of this- if she had any of these issues she could have addressed it long ago- and if she did not want to be with me- she could have stopped seeing me long ago as well.

 

She never did. and now suddenly she drops this huge bomb on me and all these excuses?? All i told her when she asked me was I needed more time for the feelings to develop- I did not want to rush into anything that quickly and for us to take our time and that we are headed in that direction. I told her if I did not want to see you or not want to be with you I would have told you and I would have stopped doing this. I told her straight up how I felt- I was honest and genuine. I never gave her random excuses like she was giving me. Keep in mind this is after 5 months going onto 6- for her to bring all this up??? like why would you wait this long and for me to finally ask you to be my GF for you to spring all this on me?

 

Anyone would have reacted the way I did- its a slap to the face entirely. It's like she was wasting my time- she knew it was heading in that direction and suddenly now all these things are problems??

 

There was no months of waiting- we were essentially a couple we just didn't have a title at the end of the day. Nothing changed with her behavior from the time she asked me to be official till when I asked her in those 2 months. Our relationship just kept increasing in intensity and she even slept over for the first time. We did everything a couple would do- I just didn't take her out to the movies or wined and dined her at that time. I wanted to do this after I asked her to be official with me.

 

I get I shouldn't have reacted the way I did...but the reason I did was because of her EXCUSES- who says those things when someone asks them to be official after such a long time of seeing each other??

 

It's like she was trying to get back at me for not wanting to be in a relationship at the time- I was just being genuine- I wasn't game playing at all...It didn't feel right at the time- she wanted a relationship so quickly that her feelings did not match up with the duration of the relationship - it was too soon and sudden and I did not want to get into something for it to end right away.

 

I sent her an entire bouquet of flowers to her door to apologize for getting angry at her- I tried to see her and fix things between us- she just did not want too- wanted me to wait the ENTIRE MONTH for her without seeing her or talking?? like what kind of games are these??

 

She even said I want YOU to wait for me now...this was complete game playing on her end and her trying to take all the power back.

 

I just wanted us to be together officially

[ExpatInItaly]

I got mad at her AFTER her excuses- I waited for her to explain herself and we talked about everything she was saying. There was no YES after those excuses- it was just reason after reason of why she doesn't want too be with me or can't be with me now.

 

The reason I got angry was because of this- if she had any of these issues she could have addressed it long ago- and if she did not want to be with me- she could have stopped seeing me long ago as well.

 

She never did. and now suddenly she drops this huge bomb on me and all these excuses?? All i told her when she asked me was I needed more time for the feelings to develop- I did not want to rush into anything that quickly and for us to take our time and that we are headed in that direction. I told her if I did not want to see you or not want to be with you I would have told you and I would have stopped doing this. I told her straight up how I felt- I was honest and genuine. I never gave her random excuses like she was giving me. Keep in mind this is after 5 months going onto 6- for her to bring all this up??? like why would you wait this long and for me to finally ask you to be my GF for you to spring all this on me?

 

Anyone would have reacted the way I did- its a slap to the face entirely. It's like she was wasting my time- she knew it was heading in that direction and suddenly now all these things are problems??

 

There was no months of waiting- we were essentially a couple we just didn't have a title at the end of the day. Nothing changed with her behavior from the time she asked me to be official till when I asked her in those 2 months. Our relationship just kept increasing in intensity and she even slept over for the first time. We did everything a couple would do- I just didn't take her out to the movies or wined and dined her at that time. I wanted to do this after I asked her to be official with me.

 

I get I shouldn't have reacted the way I did...but the reason I did was because of her EXCUSES- who says those things when someone asks them to be official after such a long time of seeing each other??

 

It's like she was trying to get back at me for not wanting to be in a relationship at the time- I was just being genuine- I wasn't game playing at all...It didn't feel right at the time- she wanted a relationship so quickly that her feelings did not match up with the duration of the relationship - it was too soon and sudden and I did not want to get into something for it to end right away.

 

I sent her an entire bouquet of flowers to her door to apologize for getting angry at her- I tried to see her and fix things between us- she just did not want too- wanted me to wait the ENTIRE MONTH for her without seeing her or talking?? like what kind of games are these??

 

She even said I want YOU to wait for me now...this was complete game playing on her end and her trying to take all the power back.

 

I just wanted us to be together officially

 

This is probably a big factor. She did wait for you to finally make it official. I wouldn't have been thrilled at that either, especially since you state you were acting as a couple anyway. So why the wait until July to decide that you like her enough to call her your girlfriend?

 

In the end, you're obviously not compatible. She wanted a title sooner, you didn't. She wanted perhaps a bit more romance, and you weren't comfortable with that. You wanted different things at different paces. And that's not wrong for either of you. It's just not a match. And if she is just playing games and taking her power back, why do you want a girl who does that anyway?

 

But I have to be blunt - the more you write, the more I suspect there may be another guy on her radar. She perhaps want to see if that goes anywhere.

[UltimaWeapon]

Well, you now know she doesn't want to make things official so you can move on.

 

All the "why's" and "what if's" won't bring you the answers you want. You can go back and analyze and question everything, but in the end, she had a change of heart.

 

As I said before, I suspect there's more to it than just this last argument. But does it really matter? I don't see how that would necessarily change anything. If she wanted to be with you, she'd have accepted.

 

I don't know what it can be considering everything was fine up until the argument, unless she started seeing someone else or talking to someone else- but that doesn't make sense because she was out in public with me on Canada day- even slept over- and came over again 2 days later and that is when we had the argument.. if she had someone else she would have backed off from me and I would have noticed this before- her behavior did not change at all towards me. so her reaction when I asked her to be official with me caught me completely off guard and I was not expecting it at all.

 

Her actions did not match up her words at all--- and than she was using the argument as the reason why she didn't say YES. Like I said previously I waited for her to explain herself and say everything she had to say before I reacted- there was no YES there to me it was a flat out rejection on her end.

 

But like you said- for it to end over this argument?? and for her to use this argument as the main reason- doesn't add up. There is something else going on that I don't know about. She was acting really sketchy after everything.

 

I am convinced she cried because she felt guilty for something she did.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know what it can be considering everything was fine up until the argument, unless she started seeing someone else or talking to someone else- but that doesn't make sense because she was out in public with me on Canada day- even slept over- and came over again 2 days later and that is when we had the argument.. if she had someone else she would have backed off from me and I would have noticed this before- her behavior did not change at all towards me. so her reaction when I asked her to be official with me caught me completely off guard and I was not expecting it at all.

 

Her actions did not match up her words at all--- and than she was using the argument as the reason why she didn't say YES. Like I said previously I waited for her to explain herself and say everything she had to say before I reacted- there was no YES there to me it was a flat out rejection on her end.

 

But like you said- for it to end over this argument?? and for her to use this argument as the main reason- doesn't add up. There is something else going on that I don't know about. She was acting really sketchy after everything.

 

I am convinced she cried because she felt guilty for something she did.

 

You may not have noticed a thing if she'd started talking to someone else. Don't assume you would've caught on right away.

 

And do you really want to know what else is going on with her? Would that somehow change the situation? Likely not.

 

It's time to just let it go.

[UltimaWeapon]

This is probably a big factor. She did wait for you to finally make it official. I wouldn't have been thrilled at that either, especially since you state you were acting as a couple anyway. So why the wait until July to decide that you like her enough to call her your girlfriend?

 

In the end, you're obviously not compatible. She wanted a title sooner, you didn't. She wanted perhaps a bit more romance, and you weren't comfortable with that. You wanted different things at different paces. And that's not wrong for either of you. It's just not a match. And if she is just playing games and taking her power back, why do you want a girl who does that anyway?

 

But I have to be blunt - the more you write, the more I suspect there may be another guy on her radar. She perhaps want to see if that goes anywhere.

 

 

The title talk wasn't even something that I felt would turn to what it did..It was just for her and me to know that we were on the same page and that we were official. I felt that we were both BF and GF in my eyes at least- based on how we were acting- that's why when I asked her - her reaction was not a reaction of someone who was happy or someone who wanted a relationship- even though her actions stated that she did.

 

That is why I was so taken back- because I felt played completely by her.

 

It also felt like she got used to having me there not necessarily as the OFFICIAL BF but the same thing nonetheless and she didn't have to have a title- but still got all the benefits of having one- and when I finally asked her to be together- I guess because she was moving out soon wit her roommate and the fact that she wants her freedom or freedom in general- it scared her and I guess she was too comfortable just "seeing" me without the title...and when it was suppose to become official she panicked and got scared.

 

I really don't know....

Edited August 26, 2015 by UltimaWeapon