Is my girlfriend too much about money?

[ironpony]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years now. We almost got engaged but some things have happened earlier this year, which made me cautious and she is acting different. Lately she has been inviting me to a lot of friends and family functions. Lots of birthdays mostly. However, I feel that I do not want to pay for dinner anymore, cause it has been too much money spent, and I would like a break. However, she got mad when I told her this and she now says that she and her family will feel rejected if I do not come to her brother's birthday dinner and pay for her as well.

 

It's just eating out can get quite expensive, especially with some of the restaurants people are choosing. Do I have the right not to come in order to save money, if I have been doing it too much, or is it my responsibility to come to her friend's and family's dinner invitations and pay for both of us, to be a good boyfriend? She says if I don't go to this one, that her family will possibly get a bad impression of me.

 

Well I suggested that for our anniversary, I cook her dinner myself. That way we will not have to eat out. She said that she thinks for an anniversary we should go out, for such an occasion. I named some places to go to dance after we have dinner. She said she didn't want to go dancing and wanted to go out to an actual place for dinner, and not just dance later on only.

 

She says it's okay for me not to want to eat out and spend as money. She is fine for me saving up money she says. But she says once in a while such as this one, you should spend some money to showy you love your gf, such as this type of occasion. She says she is supportive of me wanting to save money, but an anniversary is the wrong time to do it.

 

She says that my surprise of making her dinner is not romantic. She says that since we would be doing it at her place, since she lives alone, she would have to do most of the work cause she knows where everything is and what not. She also said it's not romantic, cause I am doing it to save money, and not out of romance. She said it's not romantic when your girlfriend is only worth 15 dollars in groceries, compared to her friends, who's boyfriends have no problems taking them out cause they consider them worth it.

 

 

Me and my girlfriend went to the movies. I felt like perhaps I have been paying for her too much lately, and feel I need to not spend as much money, and perhaps she could contribute some, with all due respect of course .

 

So I asked her if we could go dutch this time. She said sure no problem, and bought her own ticket. Later when the movie ended, she said she hated it and was a complete of waist of her money, which she could have used for better things, as she put it.

 

My best friend, about an hour later, texted us, saying he was going to a late showing of a movie, and wanted to know if we could come. I said I just came from a movie and wasn't felling like another one, but she wanted to go anyway, and asked if she could go with him, if he picked her up. I said I guess so, sure.

 

She told him though, that she could not afford it, now that she thinks about it, and he offered to pay, so she was fine with going then. I wonder if she was implying that I was cheap, just maybe, or perhaps I am reading it wrong, and it's no big deal. It just seemed strange.

 

However, we came close to getting married and talked about it a lot. Things have been going really well, accept for this one section of our relationship, but for the last few months it's been going good and she said it was just a phase cause of some other personal problems we have been having. But she hasn't had any problems lately, but.. maybe... just maybe.. she is keeping cool because we kept talking about getting married by the end of this year, but her behavior earlier this year, scared me to be honest.

 

What do you think? I am I been too cheap or money cautious? She does get me a lot of stuff, but I tell her not too, and that she spends too much on me sometimes and it's not neceessary. But the gestures are sweet. What do you think?

[casey.lives]

go out have fun - don't worry!! life is good now! when money becomes a problem that's when you should worry! enjoy yourselves!! you never know what can change in a moment!

[Qboro90]

How often do you take her out to dinner? Before you brought this up to her I mean. In the 2 years prior, how often were you going out together whether it be dinner, movies, drinks, etc where you were paying for the two of you? And have you went on any vacations together? Did you pay for those on your own or split it? Also do you spend a lot of money on each other gift wise for days, Xmas, etc?

 

A little more background on the history of how often you went out would help us advise you better.

[La.Primavera]

I'm not surprised you don't want to go to all her functions if she is expecting you to pay for both of you every time. I don't think you are being cheap at all. It actually sounds like she is the cheap one. Letting your friend pay for her movie ticket was a bit much.

 

The truth is some women feel entitled to have men pay for everything, while others like myself prefer things to be more equal. I also thought that offering to make her a romantic anniversary dinner was much more meaningful and romantic than going to a restaurant for dinner. It just goes to show how different we all are.

 

I guess you need to figure out if this is the dynamic you want with your future wife because that will never change. If all other aspects of your relationship are good then it may not be a deal breaker, but it is certainly worth thinking about before you take the next step.

[Els]

She says that my surprise of making her dinner is not romantic. She says that since we would be doing it at her place, since she lives alone, she would have to do most of the work cause she knows where everything is and what not.

 

Is this normally the case (she does most of the work) whenever the two of you eat in? If that is the case, it's completely understandable that she doesn't find you 'making her dinner' romantic, especially if she ends up cleaning up after. It's quite normal to want to be pampered a little on an infrequent occasion like an anniversary.

 

If she's wanting to be treated to fine dining every other day then I would say that you have a point, but in this case, I do think you should just have taken her out. If money is short for you, then do your research and find a nice cosy Italian restaurant or something where you can treat her to dinner for less than $50. If spending even $50 once a year is an issue, then there might be bigger problems in your life than your gf.

 

The whole movie thing with your friend was just strange, though. And immature, if she was doing it as a dig towards you.

[lino]

If you don't enjoy this now, the demands will only get higher once you're engaged/married.

 

I'd imagine she'll be the type to have the engagement ring valued as well behind your back to make sure you spent enou... I mean, love her

[Siquijor]

This relationship sounds one-sided to me.....and I think the way she went off to a late movie with your best friend shows a lack of respect towards you.

 

 

Ditch her and find someone more respectful and appreciative who doesn't pressurize you all the time.

[joseb]

Yeah on the face of it, you could say she is reasonable to want a special occasion like an anniversary to be memorable.

 

But I just get a bad vive about her.

The way she got your friend to pay for her cinema ticket.

The way she made you feel bad about her buying her own ticket, saying the movie sucked and was a waste of HER money.

The way she guilt trips you by referring to friends boyfriends.

The way she equates "love" with spending money.

 

Why is it assumed that you have to pay for everything? Has she no source of income?

 

How often does she treat YOU to something?

 

For me it's not about the money. Well it is a bit, for you, if it's becoming an issue so much that you are worried about your finances. It's more about her entitlement. Honestly, I would never put up with this kind of ****, but I know a lot of guys seem to be OK with it.

[lino]

They're ok with it because they won't get any action otherwise.

 

I don't know any guys who actually want to pay for everything.

[fitnessfan365]

Man she is full of $hit. It has nothing to do w-her family's impression of you.

 

The fact is that she's terrible w-money and has no concept of how to save. That's why she burns though it quickly on things for herself and over the top gifts for you on a whim. So when things come up she wants to do, she can't afford to go and uses you to pay for her. An ex GF of mine was exactly like this. I'll give you an example. Her best friend invited her to see a movie w-her. Then my ex invited me along because she claimed it was important I meet her best friend. But when we got up to the box office for the tickets, she said I had to pay because she had no money. I asked her "How would you have gone if I'd said no? She said "I wouldn't have been able to". So she flat out admitted she used me for a ticket.

 

My advice? Break up with her. She's manipulative and is completely irresponsible when it comes to money. If you stay with her, you'll always be forced to pick up the slack for her bad spending habits. You're better off meeting a woman that isn't financially irresponsible and that won't try to use you as an ATM.

[Winterina]

I would never let my boyfriend pay for everything, even if he had more money than me. It would make me feel like a free rider and like I am using him for money.

I pay for, at least, half of the things we do.

 

I know a few marriages where women are the ones spending all of their guys' money on clothes and whoknowswhat kind of crap. And it works for them. The only thing is that you know if he stayed without his money, she would be out of the door. When getting married, you need a person who will be with you through thick and thin. You know her best.

[Els]

The only thing is that you know if he stayed without his money, she would be out of the door.

 

How are people inferring this from the OP's post? It's like we're reading two completely different threads. The OP, from what I've read, doesn't have much money at all - if she was only with him for money, why would she stay with a man who has little money and does not have his own place, for 2.5 years? Gold diggers tend to go for men who have a lot of money for the digging.

 

Your inference about other couples in which the guy pays for a few dinners is also quite false. To many of them, it's about the intent (and in some cases cultural indoctrination). Many of them are quite happy with a man who makes minimum wage but treats them to ice cream or a $10 dinner sometimes. Or a man who invites them to a nice dinner at his place that he prepares by himself (instead of having her do most of the work, as in the OP's case).

 

That being said the OP's gf really does sound immature and manipulative, with what she did with his friend and the movie. She needs to learn to resolve conflict in a mature way instead of via passive-aggressive behaviour with a friend.

[d0nnivain]

Money makes people crazy & it's the leading cause of divorce. You two need to be on the same financial page or you really shouldn't get married.

 

 

Specific instances, like cooking her dinner on the anniversary, can be addressed on a case by case basis.

 

 

I'm put off by her insistence that you attend her expensive family functions & that you pay. My family often does expensive outings but when I was dating I always picked up the tab for that. It's appalling that she expects you to go to these events for her family & for you to pay.

 

 

Does she ever treat you to a night out? If you pay for everything that is her expectation.

 

 

You guys really have to talk about money. If you can't talk about money there is no hope for a future.

[Keenly]

She's a financial parasite and doesn't seem like she cares about the effect it has on you. The whole her demanding you later to show that you love her is such garbage.

 

 

When she looks at her engagement ring and doesn't say it but you see her face say "that's it?" I want you to think about this thread.

[cessna]

It has nothing to do with making a good impression on her family. Her family will like you if you treat your girlfriend with respect and treat her well. End of.

 

If they really do take a dim view of you not spending enough money on her then that says a lot more about them and the sort of people they,and your girlfriend, are.

 

Imagine of you do get engaged to this girl. I'll bet you she'll want a massive, lavish, waste of money wedding because it's "her special day" blah blah blah...

 

I'd sit her down and be brutally honest with her. She needs to stop expecting you to pay for everything otherwise you're out the door.

 

What do YOU honestly get out of this relationship?

[Diezel]

There's no right or wrong in this case - you two are simply incompatible.

 

End this before it gets worse.

[katiegrl]

.

 

The fact is that she's terrible w-money and has no concept of how to save. That's why she burns though it quickly on things for herself and over the top gifts for you on a whim. .

 

 

I did not see where the OP wrote anything about her buying him gifts, but if I missed it, or you have some inside info that the rest of don't.... then hell, OP if she is buying you elaborate and over-the-top gifts, then she is hardly a golddigger.... or too much about money (yours).

 

And the least you could do is take her out to dinner on your anniversary... without whining about it.

 

And for the record, I suck at managing money too, but my boyfriend is great with that, so he manages it.

 

I don't buy him elaborate gifts though...just on his birthday and Christmas sometimes when I know it's something he really wants.

 

I don't think being bad at managing money is a good reason to break up with someone... especially since, again she is buying you elaborate gifts.

 

To the contrary, she sounds generous (if, in fact, that is the case, and she IS buying you gifts.)

 

YOU can manage the money (paying bills, etc.).

 

JMO

Edited August 26, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I did not see where the OP wrote anything about her buying him gifts, but if I missed it, or you have some inside info that the rest of don't.... then hell, OP if she is buying you elaborate and over-the-top gifts, then she is hardly a golddigger.... or too much about money (yours).

 

And the least you could do is take her out to dinner on your anniversary... without whining about it.

 

And for the record, I suck at managing money too, but my boyfriend is great with that, so he manages it.

 

I don't buy him elaborate gifts though...just on his birthday and Christmas sometimes when I know it's something he really wants.

 

I don't think being bad at managing money is a good reason to break up with someone... especially since, again she is buying you elaborate gifts.

 

To the contrary, she sounds generous (if, in fact, that is the case, and she IS buying you gifts.)

 

YOU can manage the money (paying bills, etc.).

 

JMO

 

 

Actually, I went back and read the OP's initial post and I see where he wrote she buys him things...

 

 

>>She does get me a lot of stuff, but I tell her not too, and that she spends too much on me sometimes and it's not neceessary. But the gestures are sweet.

 

So IMO no she is not all about your money.... and I stick with what I said in my earlier post.

 

 

Take her out to dinner on your anniversary it would be a nice gesture...

 

 

As for paying for both of you when you go out with friends, depending on how often you do this....it might not be a big deal, given how often she surprises you with gifts...even though she may not be able to afford them.

 

 

Again, just my take from what you have posted.

[No_Go]

My boyfriend is very similar to OP's GF, except (thankfully!) the drama part.

 

He also likes to go out very frequently, and often expects me to pay for both, but in the same time he splurges too for things for us which are cool but not essential.

 

I had a long and hard time thinking he's too much focused on money. However, the more time we spend together, the more I realize that it is his personality (was low in money before and still can't get over his "old" mindset) + me not speaking up when I'm annoyed with overspending.

 

OP should probably explain to his GF what bothers him instead of building up resentment.

 

Actually, I went back and read the OP's initial post and I see where he wrote she buys him things...

 

 

>>She does get me a lot of stuff, but I tell her not too, and that she spends too much on me sometimes and it's not neceessary. But the gestures are sweet.

 

So IMO no she is not all about your money.... and I stick with what I said in my earlier post.

 

 

Take her out to dinner on your anniversary it would be a nice gesture...

 

 

As for paying for both of you when you go out with friends, depending on how often you do this....it might not be a big deal, given how often she surprises you with gifts...even though she may not be able to afford them.

 

 

Again, just my take from what you have posted.

[Walters]

Sounds like she does not show appreciation when you pay which leads you to think you are being taken advantage of.

 

She buys you gifts and she thinks it's a big deal but you don't care.

You pay for her during dates which is a big deal to you but to her it's expectation.

 

You guys need to talk about needs and expectations or things will get ugly.

[Oregon_Dude]

Now I aint sayin she's a golddigger..

[fitnessfan365]

Actually, I went back and read the OP's initial post and I see where he wrote she buys him things...

 

 

>>She does get me a lot of stuff, but I tell her not too, and that she spends too much on me sometimes and it's not neceessary. But the gestures are sweet.

 

So IMO no she is not all about your money.... and I stick with what I said in my earlier post.

 

 

Take her out to dinner on your anniversary it would be a nice gesture...

 

 

As for paying for both of you when you go out with friends, depending on how often you do this....it might not be a big deal, given how often she surprises you with gifts...even though she may not be able to afford them.

 

 

Again, just my take from what you have posted.

 

I don't think it's about her being a gold digger. I think it mainly has to do with her being financially irresponsible. Since she doesn't know how to budget properly, she's always burning through her money. Then if things come up she wants to go to w-friends or family, she can't afford it. So she'll invite the OP along to cover the tab. But it's not his job as her BF to be responsible for her bad spending habits.

 

An ex GF of mine was the exact same way. She'd burn through money left and right. When she'd plan dates, they'd always entail something she wanted to do instead of being for both our benefit. Movies she wanted to see, concerts she wanted to go to, etc.. But instead of paying like she should have because she planned, she'd cry poor and want me to pay. I already mentioned the movie incident which I was reminded of by the OP's story. But my all time favorite is when she planned a Vegas trip w-her friends. She begs me to come last minute claiming that she can't bear to be away from me. At first I agree because it's Vegas and also because I was flattered. But then the truth came out. Her friend she was sharing a room with owed my ex money. So to pay her back, the friend agreed to cover the entire hotel cost for the trip. But then she backed out last minute. So my ex proceeds to tell me that I'll have to pay the entire hotel expense because it's not in her trip budget. I broke up with her after that.

Edited August 27, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[joseb]

Actually, I went back and read the OP's initial post and I see where he wrote she buys him things...

 

 

>>She does get me a lot of stuff, but I tell her not too, and that she spends too much on me sometimes and it's not neceessary. But the gestures are sweet.

 

So IMO no she is not all about your money.... and I stick with what I said in my earlier post.

 

Take her out to dinner on your anniversary it would be a nice gesture...

 

I missed this too Katie. So I'd temper my distain for her somewhat now

I still think some of her behaviour is pretty manipulative.

 

Perhaps it's more of a basic incompatibility problem regarding budgeting, etc.

[joseb]

But my all time favorite is when she planned a Vegas trip w-her friends. She begs me to come last minute claiming that she can't bear to be away from me. At first I agree because it's Vegas and also because I was flattered. But then the truth came out. Her friend she was sharing a room with owed my ex money. So to pay her back, the friend agreed to cover the entire hotel cost for the trip. But then she backed out last minute. So my ex proceeds to tell me that I'll have to pay the entire hotel expense because it's not in her trip budget. I broke up with her after that.

 

Wow, hope if wasn't the penthouse suite?!

[fitnessfan365]

Wow, hope if wasn't the penthouse suite?!

 

Haha.. Thank god it wasn't. Since the airfare purchase would've been so last minute, it was more than double the usual. When she said she wanted me to pay the entire hotel room expense, I brought up the fact that I was paying $1000 round trip airfare to go for her. So the least she could do is pay for half the hotel expense. That's when she proceeded to tell me that it wasn't in her trip budget, and that her friend was originally paying the whole thing because of the debt.

 

So I asked "If I had said no, how were you planning on going?" Then she admitted that she wouldn't have been able to. I dumped her on the spot.