Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 Sounds like she does not show appreciation when you pay which leads you to think you are being taken advantage of. She buys you gifts and she thinks it's a big deal but you don't care. You pay for her during dates which is a big deal to you but to her it's expectation. You guys need to talk about needs and expectations or things will get ugly. I agree and think you both seem to have an issue with money.. she in her expectations and you seem a bit cheap... You are thinking of being engaged to be married and possibly have children so the whole she needs to pay more for herself needs to go, she should be your partner and not your roommate You need to discuss this with her and air it out, when you get married are you going to make her pay her half for dinners ? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 27, 2015 Share Posted August 27, 2015 So how many events a year are we talking about here? I come from a big tight knitted family and yes if someone has a gf or bf and they show up alone at a family dinner, especially if the event is special enough to be celebrated in a restaurant, people will be all over that person with 'where you're bf?'. 'how come he's not here?'. 'Why he could not free himself?' The first thing that comes to mind is to budget your outings together. Each time you're both paid put $20 in a jar. That's $40 a week, $160 a month. Once she sees the benefits of budgeting she'll get into it. Right now she doesn't do it because she thinks it's a chore. When she sees $ in that jar only meant for outings she'll get the hang of it and she'll start budgeting for other things she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 A few months ago, the events became a little too often I felt. I was invited to a family restaurant dinner and I payed for her, and then she said we are going to another one the next night. I said okay, but then looked at my budget later, and changed my mind, saying one was enough for one weekend. She then said she just won't invite me to any more family events and I haven't been going to any others since. That was a few months ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 A few months ago, the events became a little too often I felt. I was invited to a family restaurant dinner and I payed for her, and then she said we are going to another one the next night. I said okay, but then looked at my budget later, and changed my mind, saying one was enough for one weekend. She then said she just won't invite me to any more family events and I haven't been going to any others since. That was a few months ago. That was very passive aggressive of her. First she says you must go otherwise it will leave a bad impression on her family THEN she says she is not inviting you any longer. It just screams immaturity to me. By the way, I don't know about the others but if I invite my boyfriend to an event and it cost something I PAY for him. I would never dare invite him to my cousin's wedding and tell him 'you pay the $75X2'. That's just wrong. This weekend I have a family reunion and it's $103 per person. If I had a boyfriend to come along I would pay his $103 and when he invites me in his family and parties he pays my part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 If I had a boyfriend to come along I would pay his $103 and when he invites me in his family and parties he pays my part. Here's the rub, you might try but in the end he would pay the 103x2 or at least the 103 for himself as he wouldn't allow you to pay for him, that is what we do when we are courting and seriously thinking about marrying someone.. we put our best foot forward and one of those ways of doing so is taking care of the woman we are courting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Ironpony, I don't like the sound of this set-up, but before I make a comment, what does she do for a living? Which of you earns the most money? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Here's the rub, you might try but in the end he would pay the 103x2 or at least the 103 for himself as he wouldn't allow you to pay for him, that is what we do when we are courting and seriously thinking about marrying someone.. we put our best foot forward and one of those ways of doing so is taking care of the woman we are courting. I would not tell him there is a fee. I had this discussion with a friend not long ago. His girlfriend of 2 years invited him to an anniversary (her side of family). There was a $50 fee per person. She sent her rsvp 2 people attending. Then she told her boyfriend (my friend) we're going to that anniversary it's $50 per person and extended her hand for him to give her $50. He was very hurt of this because he pays for all of their dates, he takes her on weekends get away and he pays it all, he always pays their movies and dinners, concerts, theaters, etc. And she can't be kind and pay for him for this anniversary he'll attend only to make her happy. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) That was very passive aggressive of her. First she says you must go otherwise it will leave a bad impression on her family THEN she says she is not inviting you any longer. It just screams immaturity to me. By the way, I don't know about the others but if I invite my boyfriend to an event and it cost something I PAY for him. I would never dare invite him to my cousin's wedding and tell him 'you pay the $75X2'. That's just wrong. This weekend I have a family reunion and it's $103 per person. If I had a boyfriend to come along I would pay his $103 and when he invites me in his family and parties he pays my part. Maybe things are done differently in Canada but when I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion ....the person whose wedding it is or person coordinating the reunion pays for everyone. As an invitee, I don't pay for anything, I never heard of that. I am a considered a GUEST. I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion, the person who is getting married pays (or his or her family). I invite my boyfriend, we are both GUESTS at the wedding or reunion, therefore are not required to pay a dime. We bring a gift and that's it. Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Maybe things are done differently in Canada but when I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion ....the person whose wedding it is or person coordinating the reunion pays for everyone. As an invitee, I don't pay for anything, I never heard of that. I am a considered a GUEST. I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion, the person who is getting married pays (or his or her family). I invite my boyfriend, we are both GUESTS at the wedding or reunion, therefore are not required to pay a dime. We bring a gift and that's it. My boyfriend threw me a big 35th birthday bash and invited a bunch of our friends. HE paid for the whole thing. The invitees were all GUESTS and brought a gift. It was fabulous! It never would have occurred to him to expect those invited to pay...again they are considered guests....and if he/she wanted to bring a friend, the friend would be considered a guest as well. That's how it's done in my neck of the woods anyway. Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Maybe things are done differently in Canada but when I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion ....the person whose wedding it is or person coordinating the reunion pays for everyone. As an invitee, I don't pay for anything, I never heard of that. I am a considered a GUEST. I receive an invite to a wedding or reunion, the person who is getting married pays (or his or her family). I invite my boyfriend, we are both GUESTS at the wedding or reunion, therefore are not required to pay a dime. We bring a gift and that's it. It used to be like that. When I got married we had a big wedding with 200 guests and we paid everything. Nowadays couples charge a fee. It's rare you get a wedding invitation with no fee. Well, it's rare to get a wedding invitation period lol Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 It used to be like that. When I got married we had a big wedding with 200 guests and we paid everything. Nowadays couples charge a fee. It's rare you get a wedding invitation with no fee. Well, it's rare to get a wedding invitation period lol Wow that's very interesting Gaeta. Here in the U.S. it would be in very bad taste to ask your guests to contribute to your wedding/reception, etc. Never heard of that being done here.... again if it ever was...it would be very unusual and in very poor taste. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 My boyfriend threw me a big 35th birthday bash and invited a bunch of our friends. HE paid for the whole thing. The invitees were all GUESTS and brought a gift. It was fabulous! It never would have occurred to him to expect those invited to pay...again they are considered guests....and if he/she wanted to bring a friend, the friend would be considered a guest as well. That's how it's done in my neck of the woods anyway. Let me put you in a different context. If YOUR family decides to rent a 30 people cottage for a long weekend (my situation this weekend). The cost of the cottage is $3,000 and we split the cost. You invite your boyfriend to come along with you. Not your 5 year relationship boyfriend but someone you don't live with, someone you date. So you invite him to join you at that cottage. Are you gonna ask him to pay $100 for his share? I would not. It's me inviting him to join me in a family event. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Let me put you in a different context. If YOUR family decides to rent a 30 people cottage for a long weekend (my situation this weekend). The cost of the cottage is $3,000 and we split the cost. You invite your boyfriend to come along with you. Not your 5 year relationship boyfriend but someone you don't live with, someone you date. So you invite him to join you at that cottage. Are you gonna ask him to pay $100 for his share? I would not. It's me inviting him to join me in a family event. No of course not... I would never even mention that there "was" a cost...I would just pay for both of us. Of course! So I get your point about THAT type of situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Isn't it the same with OP. She keeps inviting him to HER family events and expecting him to pay for the both of them. She treats him like a wallet she can carry around. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Isn't it the same with OP. She keeps inviting him to HER family events and expecting him to pay for the both of them. She treats him like a wallet she can carry around. Yeah that takes a lot of nerve. However, IMO it was his responsibility from the get go to not allow this to continue happening...so HE set the precedent. I know for a fact that if I demanded that type of thing from my boyfriend, HE would definitely speak up about the unfairness of it... and frankly entitlement attitude I have about expecting him to always pay in situations like that. No way would he continue doing it! And then what, complain to his friends afterwards about it? No he would complain to ME about it! She sounds entitled and the OP sounds a bit passive aggressive IMO. Edited August 28, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
MovingOnIsHard Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Ironpony, I don't like the sound of this set-up, but before I make a comment, what does she do for a living? Which of you earns the most money? OP, can we have an answer to this question? Would help me formulate an educated opinion lol Anyway, I believe in equal contribution when it comes expenses done together. Either 50% at the get go or take turns paying. Otherwise, you're looking at a freeloader Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Okay thanks. She spends a lot on me though, for gifts and things but too much in my opinion, as she does not have that much money, but she says that's the point, and I should be as romantic towards her as she is to me. But I guess I felt that love can be expressed in other ways??? I was spent a lot on her functions at first but then started to feel like I was spending a little too much. I have the most money. She is actually broke because her previous boyfriend and her owned a business and lived together, and when she left him he ended up taking all the money from the business and all. So she lives from paycheck to paycheck on rent where as I am currently looking to buy my own house at the moment. That's where we are money wise. It's so hard to know what I should do because people have two views. On the other hand, some believe a man should spend money when courting to get the foot in the door, especially when they are thinking about marriage, and others think she is being passive aggressive. So how do I know what the right thing to do is? Edited August 28, 2015 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Okay thanks. I was like that at first but then started to feel like I was spending a little too much. It's so hard to know what I should do because people have two views. On the other hand, some believe a man should spend money when courting to get the foot in the door, especially when they are thinking about marriage, and others think she is being passive aggressive. So how do I know what the right thing to do is? I think you should decided what YOU believe is fair and follow that rule. People are not gonna have more respect for you because you let her ruin you. In one of my post I told you how you and her can budget for you outings. After a year and a half I don't call your situation 'courting' anymore. It's time you 2 start being sensitive to the other one financial situation. That means she needs to realize you are not a bank card. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 I would not tell him there is a fee. I had this discussion with a friend not long ago. His girlfriend of 2 years invited him to an anniversary (her side of family). There was a $50 fee per person. She sent her rsvp 2 people attending. Then she told her boyfriend (my friend) we're going to that anniversary it's $50 per person and extended her hand for him to give her $50. He was very hurt of this because he pays for all of their dates, he takes her on weekends get away and he pays it all, he always pays their movies and dinners, concerts, theaters, etc. And she can't be kind and pay for him for this anniversary he'll attend only to make her happy. I would have to break up with a woman like this on the spot. She RSVP'd that he would be attending without consulting him, then she demanded the money for his invitation. The selfishness.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) Okay thanks. She didn't RSVP though. She asked and I agreed, but then the event was split into two functions and I told her I did not want to pay for the second one, since I thought I was only paying for one. But it's so hard to know what to do because on the one hand, some believe a man should spend money when courting to get the foot in the door, especially when they are thinking about marriage, and others think she is being passive aggressive. But one person on hear said I was being passive aggressive and I set a precedent. If I was being like that, I did not mean to, but how do I know which views are the most right ones, if that makes sense? Edited August 28, 2015 by ironpony Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Okay thanks. She spends a lot on me though, for gifts and things but too much in my opinion, as she does not have that much money, but she says that's the point, and I should be as romantic towards her as she is to me. But I guess I felt that love can be expressed in other ways??? Yes and it should be shown in other ways. Tell her to stop buying you gifts( it's a very little girl way of thinking of love) and tell her to budget herself better and budget your outings together. She is actually broke because her previous boyfriend and her owned a business and lived together, and when she left him he ended up taking all the money from the business and all. So she lives from paycheck to paycheck on rent where as I am currently looking to buy my own house at the moment. That's where we are money wise. The real story is probably different. You cannot just take money out of a company just like that. If it's true and she was an actual shareholder of that company than she can give a 1 phone call the the IRS. Look at the way she manages her money, you think she could manage a company? I think they probably ran that company down. Link to post Share on other sites
UntitledNotepad Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Only betas let women tell them what to do. Be an alpha male and tell her "no". If she gets bitchy, break up with her right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 Okay thanks. I don't know about civil law much when it comes to business. She signed a contract that gave it to him and wasn't thinking clearly during the break up she said. However, she actually borrows a lot of money from him, which kind of bothers me. I mean it's weird to borrow money from your ex every so often, right? She says she wishes her boyfriend (me), would support her more in time of need. But I do take her out to some things such as ice cream or for a couple of drinks or things like that. We eat out once in a while. It's my birthday today, and she got me a big gift, but I do not know what it is yet but will be opening it later with everyone. She says that this is an example of how I should express love to her, cause on her last birthday, I only got her homemade soap that my mom made. She said it was just a spur the moment free gift from my mom and I didn't really put any thought into what she likes where as she puts a lot of thought into what I like with this current gift. What do you think of that? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Okay thanks. I don't know about civil law much when it comes to business. She signed a contract that gave it to him and wasn't thinking clearly during the break up she said. However, she actually borrows a lot of money from him, which kind of bothers me. I mean it's weird to borrow money from your ex every so often, right? She says she wishes her boyfriend (me), would support her more in time of need. But I do take her out to some things such as ice cream or for a couple of drinks or things like that. We eat out once in a while. It's my birthday today, and she got me a big gift, but I do not know what it is yet but will be opening it later with everyone. She says that this is an example of how I should express love to her, cause on her last birthday, I only got her homemade soap that my mom made. She said it was just a spur the moment free gift from my mom and I didn't really put any thought into what she likes where as she puts a lot of thought into what I like with this current gift. What do you think of that? Well dear, is this really the kind of person you want to get married to? * Making impulsive decision (company) * borrowing money from ex * Associating the size of gifts with the size of love * wanting you to support her money bad management * support her how? you pay her credit cards bills! Side note: You gave her home made soup for her birthday? huh!! What were you thinking about lol. That is awful ! Anyway, back to your problem. Your girlfriend is an opportunist. She may be fun, cute, and is great in bed but she is who she is, immature and opportunistic. Up to you to have someone like that in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ironpony Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Sorry I mispelled. I meant homemade soap. I gave her a few bars of homemade soaps with fruity senses. Link to post Share on other sites
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