Is my girlfriend too much about money?

[katiegrl]

Sorry I mispelled. I meant homemade soap. I gave her a few bars of homemade soaps with fruity senses.

 

No you spelled it correctly the first time.... and for the record I think that is a very sweet gift.

 

 

Sounds like something my own bf would buy me... it's very romantic (and clearly appropriate for a feminine woman).

 

 

You can use the soaps while taking a bath or showering together!

 

 

Although if they smell like fruit or flowers, you may just want to use them on her....hehe.

Edited August 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

Sorry I mispelled. I meant homemade soap. I gave her a few bars of homemade soaps with fruity senses.

 

haha! I'm sorry I need glasses but I'm still in my denial phase.

 

Home made soap is a very nice and personal gift.

[joseb]

Honestly op I think you two are on a very different page when it comes to money and how you perceive and show signs of affection.

 

For me, the home-made soap your mum made is a sweet and personal gift. But your gf seems to only think in monetary terms, so because it didn't cost $xxx it's no good.

 

I don't much like the sound of your gf.

 

I'm also doubtful of her story about the ex taking all her money. I think she just can't manage money.

 

Apart from physical attraction, what is it about the relationship that makes you think she is marriage material?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well the reason why I think she is marriage material is because that problem is probably only 5% of the relationship, when the rest is all good. She helps me out like how she helped me get a job; we have a lot of fun together; we like a lot of the same things.

 

We talked about it and she said that this 5% I talk about is okay, because no relationship is perfect and other couples accept the flaws of their relationships, because no relationship is perfect. The difference is, is that I have been letting it bother me too much. She says that if we disagree on something, all I have to do is, agree to disagree and move on, but I have a problem of holding onto things, she says.

 

If you say this is a big problem, then this 5% is significant though.

[Gaeta]

Isn't it contradicting that you say it represents 5% of your relationship then you say it's bothering you too much.

[ironpony]

I saw it as 5% cause she only brings it up once in a while.

[Versacehottie]

Isn't it contradicting that you say it represents 5% of your relationship then you say it's bothering you too much.

 

It sounds like it's more than 5%.

 

Maybe it takes up 5% of the your time with her and or conversations but its importance sounds way higher than 5%. Money is the biggest cause of problems in married couples. I don't think you are on same page and you need to get there and stay there to make it work.

[anna121]

It used to be like that. When I got married we had a big wedding with 200 guests and we paid everything. Nowadays couples charge a fee. It's rare you get a wedding invitation with no fee. Well, it's rare to get a wedding invitation period lol

 

Just because the "Canada" thing came up.

 

I live in Canada and I have never been presented with any kind of fee for such an event.

 

If it's a wedding, you tend to use the gift to make your contribution.

 

Family reunions/events are paid for by those closest to the person. Eg., my MIL has a milestone birthday coming up. My hubby and his brother will kick in some of the $$$, as will she and her husband. No one else will be expected to pay a dime.

[Gaeta]

Just because the "Canada" thing came up.

 

I live in Canada and I have never been presented with any kind of fee for such an event.

 

If it's a wedding, you tend to use the gift to make your contribution.

 

Family reunions/events are paid for by those closest to the person. Eg., my MIL has a milestone birthday coming up. My hubby and his brother will kick in some of the $$$, as will she and her husband. No one else will be expected to pay a dime.

 

Well, I'm French Canadian, you know how we like to do things differently. ;-)

[Versacehottie]

I saw it as 5% cause she only brings it up once in a while.

 

Yeah in quantity of time with the relationship discussions but you both care about it a lot. If one of other of you care about it more than 5% worth then it will be source of a lot of potential conflict.

 

I would venture to guess that it would be hard to find many people or couples who would truly rank money in importance as 5% of the relationship in terms of importance. If it goes wrong, as in differing opinions as to how to spend and manage, it can color the entire relationship.

[Leigh 87]

Look I am sorry, you sound like a really nice person but you definitely sounds way too tight with money for me. I would never date a man who got me soap for my birthday...

 

Soap on a birthday isn't acceptable for most woman.

 

I also don't think a man has to lavish a woman with thousand dollars necklaces for every Christmas birthday or holiday, either.

 

Look. She is not in the wrong for having a love language that is different to yours. I am like your girl. I am only into men who actually ENJOY and WANT to be the ones to date me out on romantic dates at restaurants once in a while. I need a man who will come to my family events and pay for me rather than embarrassing me in front of my entire family by asking for my half.

 

However! -

If my guy was short of cash, I also totally wouldn't hood it against him if he couldn't afford it.... I would tell him not to worry at all and I would totally about him! I also shout my men meals too! I need a generous man with his money but I in turn, need a partner who I can also enjoy being generous with.

 

I dated a man like you for nearly one year. I dumped him because like you girlfriend, I really value gifts and being a bit pampered and spoilt now and again! I am an only child and my parents are SUPER generous and, in turn, I am INNATELY super generous and cannot change this charateristic.... So it makes sense that it would never work with a man like you, because we would both feel uncomfortable when I bought you lavish gifts and you bought me a bunch of flowers or soap for my birthdays.....

 

And my ex was app about saving for his house...He didn't want to go all out and spoil me for Christmas. He'd get me a perfume while my friends would be totally spoilt rotten with at least a necklace... And no, my friends more generous partners didn't fall short in other areas...they also adored and treated their partners like gold- AND they spoilt them rotten and never EVER dared expected their partners to go halves.

 

Some men want to save for mortgages and houses and sensible stuff at the cost of getting their partners very simple and inexpensive gifts and wanting them to go halves for some things. Other men, MY types of men, are more generous with their money in addition and still put SOME money aside for housed and the important stuff.

[Leigh 87]

neither of you have unrealistic goals and expectations.

 

It's very reasonable of you to want a girlfriend who doesn't want to be wined and wined and who goes halves with you some of the times you do go out.

It is realistic to find a girl who is happy with a cheap birthday and Christmas gift....some women don't even need any gift at all beyond flowers and a card!

 

But it is also realistic and not hard to find men who are generous with their money. Who enjoy and want to treat their girls to dinners out and wouldn't dream of wanting the girl to pay her half.

 

Both you and your girlfriends want different things. She wants a man who spoils her and treats her to dinners out and pays for her. Where as you want a girl who is happy to go halves most of the time.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. I wouldn't have gotten just soap, but she was being spoiled at the time, and I had become turned off at spending too much on her at the time.

 

But I am two opinions here. Some say I am the cheap one, and some say she is the spoiled one. Which one is it? How do I know what the right decision is to make?

[katiegrl]

Okay thanks. I wouldn't have gotten just soap, but she was being spoiled at the time, and I had become turned off at spending too much on her at the time.

 

But I am two opinions here. Some say I am the cheap one, and some say she is the spoiled one. Which one is it? How do I know what the right decision is to make?

 

Re second paragraph .... how about it's a little of both?

 

Which indicates incompatibility....at least with respect to money.

 

It's gonna take a lot of compromise on both your parts....

 

Are you willing to compromise?

 

Is she?

 

Communicate.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Well I will apologize for the soap and tell her I will get her something better next time. She actually wanted to go to a spa, but it was like $90, for a day at the spa.

 

Was I being cheap for not wanting to spend $90? Perhaps it was my fault at the time, because at that time since I was paying for her at family functions, I could have not have gone and used that money for a spa gift instead.

 

What if I told her that I was sorry for being cheap on her birthday and I will do better next time. But I what if I also told her that if she continues to bring up issues with money that I will break up and the marriage is off? It is kind of rash, but I think at this point it needs to be said.

 

Is this the right way to approach it, or what I can I do? I have already talked to her about it before but after this birthday thing where she had to rub it in my face that her gift to me is a lot better than mine to her, I think she needs to have a rule laid down to her or something. What do you think?

[introverted1]

Okay thanks. I wouldn't have gotten just soap, but she was being spoiled at the time, and I had become turned off at spending too much on her at the time.

 

But I am two opinions here. Some say I am the cheap one, and some say she is the spoiled one. Which one is it? How do I know what the right decision is to make?

 

I think you need to talk with your gf. My take is that she has a lot of expectations about you paying for things that you don't agree with and instead of discussing these with her, you "punish" her by not taking her out on her birthday or giving her soap your mom made (which would be a charming gift from your mom but not from you).

 

You need to be more direct with her. Have a conversation about money and in what ways it is truly important to each of you. What does she need? What do you? Can you arrive at a common ground?

[katiegrl]

First off, DO NOT apologize for buying her soap! It was a nice gift!

 

DO NOT tell her "you will do better next time.". Ugh, what are thinking? That sounds like something a six year old would say to his mother!

 

And re the cheap issue, I am sure it's not just about the soap. It's more likely a combination of different situations wherein you presented yourself as somewhat cheap. In HER mind anyway.

 

Like not wanting to take her out to dinner for your anniversary.... for example.

 

Discuss with HER (not us) how you can both compromise ....for the good if the relationship.

Edited August 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[introverted1]

Katie, he did not buy her soap. He gave her soap his mother made. Basically, the only effort was on his mother's part.

[katiegrl]

Katie, he did not buy her soap. He gave her soap his mother made. Basically, the only effort was on his mother's part.

 

I knew that...but it was thoughtful nevertheless...IMO. Perhaps not as a birthday gift, more so as a "just because" gift.

 

I love "just because" gifts...more so than the obligatory birthday and holiday gifts! But I am weird ... so don't go by me ..lol

 

Most women love bday and holiday gifts ..the more elaborate the better.

 

But this issue is much larger and deeper than just the soap...

 

Frankly, I don't have much advice except talk to her and work out a compromise that you are both comfortable with

[acapelo_dp]

I would be really upset if my boyfriend got me handmade soap his mother had made. That states to me no effort was put in, honestly. However, she is being unrealistic with expecting for you to pay for both yourself and HER at these family functions that happen frequently. I would not be embarrassed in the least paying for my own meal. I would just simply stop going to the family functions for awhile, and plan a nice date together you can afford to make up for it.

 

There are a lot of date ideas that do not involve spending money or very little. A picnic in the park, a walk, going to a movie on cheap night (if you guys have that there), cooking dinner at home and cuddling up watching a film after. Bake together. If she isn't down for that sometimes then I would say you need to make it clear to her what your budget is and stick to it.

[Gary S]

My question is, what does does she do for you? Does she cook meals for you occasionally, rub your back, anything? Yes, it's important. Does she make your life better or worse? Is she just a warm body?

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. Yeah she does those things. She is much more than just a warm body. I often think of her as the one, the only doubt I have, is this one issue. I can do more on the next birthday gift for sure.

 

My last birthday gift previous to that, was I took her on a trip to another city for the gift. I payed for a 4 day trip, which I liked doing for her. However, she wanted me to hang out with some friends, which was fine, but for a few hours, I wanted to take off, and hang out with an old friend who had moved there a few years ago.

 

But she was against this and said it was my gift to her, and that I agreed to spend time with her. But I felt that spending a few hours with my friend was not too much to ask, out four days, and she had a huge fight with me over it, and I feel that this is where a lot of it started, and I took a step back at this point as well.

 

It wasn't money that was the issue because I still spent it on her, such as her family functions. I am just saying that I took a step back on how I approach birthdays. But since the soap was too effortless cause my mom made it, I have no problem doing more next time.

 

I had talked to her about it, and she said that on that trip she was going through a bad time because of other issues.

 

But since she is the one to me, aside from this one issue. I have had talked with her about it before and she says that I am taking it too sensitively. But she also gave me a deadline to marry her. It has to be by the end of this year, because three years of dating is enough to wait she says, and she is done after. So I have a decision to make and would like to know if issues with money will be recurring into a marriage, but it's hard to really know since I am not sure if the talk has done any good or not. what do you think?

[Qboro90]

Okay thanks. Yeah she does those things. She is much more than just a warm body. I often think of her as the one, the only doubt I have, is this one issue. I can do more on the next birthday gift for sure.

 

My last birthday gift previous to that, was I took her on a trip to another city for the gift. I payed for a 4 day trip, which I liked doing for her. However, she wanted me to hang out with some friends, which was fine, but for a few hours, I wanted to take off, and hang out with an old friend who had moved there a few years ago.

 

But she was against this and said it was my gift to her, and that I agreed to spend time with her. But I felt that spending a few hours with my friend was not too much to ask, out four days, and she had a huge fight with me over it, and I feel that this is where a lot of it started, and I took a step back at this point as well.

 

It wasn't money that was the issue because I still spent it on her, such as her family functions. I am just saying that I took a step back on how I approach birthdays. But since the soap was too effortless cause my mom made it, I have no problem doing more next time.

 

I had talked to her about it, and she said that on that trip she was going through a bad time because of other issues.

 

But since she is the one to me, aside from this one issue. I have had talked with her about it before and she says that I am taking it too sensitively. But she also gave me a deadline to marry her. It has to be by the end of this year, because three years of dating is enough to wait she says, and she is done after. So I have a decision to make and would like to know if issues with money will be recurring into a marriage, but it's hard to really know since I am not sure if the talk has done any good or not. what do you think?

 

 

First off, the soap was a terrible birthday gift. Cmon you have to know that a girl isn't going to be thrilled if her boyfriend gives her "soap my mom made" for her birthday. That's pretty basic perception and awareness so it's a bit odd that this didn't seem like a bad move to you to begin with.

 

Do not apologize for the gift and say you'll do better next year. That's the last thing she wants to hear. A better idea would be for you to go out and get her something randomly in the next couple of weeks and give it to her as a surprise gift. Say "I just saw this and thought of you so I got it for you". That will get you some points with her and put her in a good mood. There are lots of cheap but classy gifts you can get for her. My gf likes rings, nothing expensive just a gold plated or silver ring in the shape of a arrow or open star... Stuff like that doesn't cost more than $50-60. Or if you get tickets to a show and you can both go see that together. And if you can't do that then the safest move that all girls enjoy..... Flowers on a random day.... Leave flowers at her house or bring them over next time you see her. When she says "what are these for?" ... You just kiss her and say "just because I love you"

 

I can see how your gf would be angry if you do the bear minimum when it comes to gifts and getting things/spending money. If the only time you get her anything is on a holiday.. I.e birthdays, valentines, Xmas, etc.. Then she's probably feeling like you only do that because you're required to.

 

 

And going back to the 4 day trip you had gotten for her. Again, common sense... When you book a vacation or getaway for you and your gf... You don't spend or ask to spend one or any of those days with anyone else besides her!.... Doesn't matter if it's a friend you haven't seen in a while or not... That trip was for you and her. By seeing your friend it makes it seem like you would've went there with or without her in order to see your friend and she was just a "oh yea here I got you a ticket, you can come with me" kind of person for that.

 

Have a little bit of sensitivity and awareness of what a girl thinks. You seem to think rationally for a guy but don't realize that women see things and interpret things differently. Sometimes it doesn't make sense but it's your job to know what your gf is like and what will make her feel bad.

[Versacehottie]

When you say you will get her a better gift next year, what makes you think there will be a next year between the two of you?

 

You might not get another chance to do a better birthday gift or show her you are not cheap and immensely practical.

[Diezel]

I think you two are really incompatible.

 

And you're BOTH too much about money. Her for spending it and you for not. Dangerous balance. This drives a lot of marriages to divorce, where you get to spend even more of it, where you could have saved money by not doing so.