Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[kgcolonel]

TC

 

Just a quick question , do you know where your STBXW is staying and what she is up to? Original I know you were leaning strongly to D but now it appears that you may be giving it a little time to finalize your decision. I think that is wise however I am curious if you are aware of her current activity?

 

I am. Not intending to stike a nerve but just thinking that if she sees no hope she may self sabotage any opportunity.

[tomcook]

This is your original post. Cheating with three men - that you know of - means she's a serial cheater....

 

Hey thanks yet again for your post drifter. I know. I know. 27 pages of back and forth. With your experience, I know that you know it takes a while to get through to some of the BS's. I am not in denial of any of what you have listed there. I will stop the back and forth in my head, but I will give it a little time, like fellini, SummerDreams, qubist, etc stated. I think they may have a point. It's not meeting her in the middle, but meeting myself in the middle of two polar opposite decisions. My feelings RIGHT NOW after the last revelation? I am used to the familiarity of the relationship and spending time with her, but I don't want it to continue. However, what my feelings will be once I fully absorb everything and my head levels out? Not so sure about that yet. That's why I feel like I'll make a decision I can live with if I do give it some time. I won't have to deal with so many what-ifs because I'll know I put a considerable amount of thought and time into the decision, as long as we stay separated, go NC, and I can think for myself instead of being emotionally persuaded.

 

I understand that 27 pages is embarrassing for you to be a part of, but I would be disappointed if you stopped giving your input. You've been one of the best of those who have assisted me here. You've made very good observations, pointed out many things that I could not see myself, and have given me that fire to push forward through the tougher choices, even if I only meet you half way sometimes. Your input is greatly appreciated drifter.

Edited September 11, 2015 by tomcook
You're usage correction

[tomcook]

TC

 

Just a quick question , do you know where your STBXW is staying and what she is up to? Original I know you were leaning strongly to D but now it appears that you may be giving it a little time to finalize your decision. I think that is wise however I am curious if you are aware of her current activity?

 

I am. Not intending to stike a nerve but just thinking that if she sees no hope she may self sabotage any opportunity.

 

I am so glad that somebody has finally mentioned this. I've been thinking the same exact thing. That is why I do not want to make it sound entirely hopeless in text messages, but I also do not want to make it sound hopeful to where she'll still think she has me by the balls, for lack of better words.

 

I have been monitoring her activity the best I can. I know she is staying at her FEMALE friend's apartment that lives about a mile down the street. However, last night I got a little suspicious, because I saw texts between the two of them when they should have been together. Through digging, I later realized that it was because she went to the store for just a few minutes. Not her words, that was my own error. However, I can never be too sure. There are still gaps that I cannot possibly monitor, and she is not dumb, and you are correct, she is probably feeling pretty hopeless.

[sidney2718]

Thanks for your post Sidney, all three of them. Yeah that part about oral is really messed up. Like it's no problem if she didn't care for it that much with her husband. Everyone has their preferences, but hearing that really made me sad. I know what you mean about the pain going away sooner, but I do think the other posters have a decent point about waiting it out for a little bit and really giving myself time to think of my ultimate decision, as opposed to making an emotionally charged decision to divorce while I am clearly still very angry. As far as the how, yeah, I would love to know. I think I may have asked but we got too deep into the oral/hand job bull crap. I honestly doubt I'll ever know ANY of the intimate details or how things came about (better timeline), whether divorced or not. I will ask her for a proper timeline similar to BigDaddyT I believe, but based on what I've learned from you guys and sadly firsthand now is that it will probably be 10x worse in reality and be missing much of the juice of the story. That's one of the reasons I've taken it so hard. I don't know about others. It's that feeling of knowing that you weren't there and can't possibly know everything the way her and the scumbags do, and probably never will know the half of it. What're you gonna do though? Nobody said life was gonna be fair, so screw it. I will not give in to her emotional persuasions though. Nope. I'm taking as much time as I need until I feel ready to make an appropriate decision.

 

Tom, I'm not trying to make you crazy. Really. And I agree that most of the time the details don't matter much. But in this case she keeps denying that there is any more to the story and we all know that there was more to the story. BJ's don't just happen all by themselves. The thing is that I'm almost certain that the details would reveal that she not only did not stop him, but actively encouraged him. And I'd bet that she took care of him too.

 

That, of course, raises all sorts of other questions such as "what happened before that set up this get together?"

 

It is my opinion that you've been too much of a nice guy. You won't push her because she gets unhappy. You won't make demands of her because it wouldn't be fair. And it is hard for you watching her suffer over telling you.

 

She knows the truth, and so does the other guy. You are the one who does not know the truth.

 

My advice, if you want something proactive, is that you let her know how you REALLY feel. Don't trickle truth her just to avoid her feeling unhappy. Tell her that you are really on the border of divorce. Tell her that what you need is for her to find ways to give you confidence in her and trust in her. That's her job. Just not talking about it won't do it at all.

 

She's got to do the heavy lifting here, not you.

[tomcook]

...My advice, if you want something proactive, is that you let her know how you REALLY feel. Don't trickle truth her just to avoid her feeling unhappy. Tell her that you are really on the border of divorce. Tell her that what you need is for her to find ways to give you confidence in her and trust in her. That's her job. Just not talking about it won't do it at all....

.

 

Thanks for your post Sidney. No worries, you're not making me crazy. I absolutely agree with you. I told her that we need to go no contact, and that it may be good for the both of us in order to reflect on ourselves. She said she understands and asked if it could begin tomorrow. I said that'll be fine I guess. I just got off the phone with her, and I explained to her what my counselor told me, and that this doesn't necessarily mean divorce. However, if there is a reconciliation, there is going to be a postnup, a written agreement from me that she must abide by as well. This would also be a trial run. If she fails, divorce. Period. I explained to her that this option is not what I have decided though. It is if, and only if, I decide in favor of reconciliation. I also explained that during that trial run, I may still be resenting her, angry, and have outbursts that she would just have to deal with.

 

I also discussed divorce options with her in the conversation. I didn't want her to lose hope, but I also want her to know just how real this is. Trying to at least give her a little peace with whatever decision I make, to avoid any fallout. I have to admit, we made each other laugh a couple of times during the conversation. True, it was nice to hear her voice, but I am still standing strong and considering my options. Surprisingly, once again she mentioned the polygraph. She said she would like to do it on her own whether we divorce or not, just so I can get some peace of mind. This is far from over though. Now we begin the NC phase. Does that somewhat achieve what you're advising here?

[sidney2718]

I also discussed divorce options with her in the conversation. I didn't want her to lose hope, but I also want her to know just how real this is. Trying to at least give her a little peace with whatever decision I make, to avoid any fallout. I have to admit, we made each other laugh a couple of times during the conversation. True, it was nice to hear her voice, but I am still standing strong and considering my options. Surprisingly, once again she mentioned the polygraph. She said she would like to do it on her own whether we divorce or not, just so I can get some peace of mind. This is far from over though. Now we begin the NC phase. Does that somewhat achieve what you're advising here?

 

I posted when I read the posting of yours that I quoted. By that time there was another two or three pages of comments by you. So what I wrote is now somewhat obsolete.

 

So now I'm going to start another firestorm. Polygraphs are uncertain. So uncertain that they are not admissible as evidence in court. You can check on line for details.

 

The problem now is giving her hope with the understanding that you need to know more in order for YOU to have hope. Be honest with her. Tell her how chewed up by all this you are. Let her know that you think that her story may not be the total truth and that bothers you. Heck, do you even know WHY she went out with those guys? That alone would be a marriage breaker for many.

 

It is good that the two of you have no children. I'd talk about that with her. Point out that if this had happened after you had children together the result would have been catastrophic for the child. She doesn't only have to convince you, she has to fix what is broken in her. You can't do it for her and you can't raise a decent family with a spouse that doesn't mind having another man's hand in her pants.

 

She may, in fact, not be ready to settle down. Then it would be good for you to know that now. You can separate or even divorce and perhaps you two could get together again down the road when she's done having fun with guy's hands on her. Or perhaps you'll have found a better woman by then. Life is full of chance. There's no such thing as a totally safe life.

[tomcook]

I posted when I read the posting of yours that I quoted. By that time there was another two or three pages of comments by you. So what I wrote is now somewhat obsolete.

 

So now I'm going to start another firestorm....

 

Hahaha, yeah I post those comments fast, but I certainly welcome the new firestorm. I like this. Screw the polygraphs I guess. I will talk to her before the no contact period starts. I told her that we need to meet at least once for a coffee to discuss a few things, so I will definitely make the point you made the focus of that talk. I did try to tell her on the phone that maybe she was just doing this out of comfort, and not because she really wants to be with me. She said she knows what she wants, but I felt a little disturbance in the force, and then she said she doesn't want to say anything more right now so as not to influence my decision one way or another. She has been trying to be respectful of that, which I in return respect. However, I feel like this may have been a feeling of doubt of her own statement. Maybe she isn't ready, but it's too frightening for her. I would love to end it in a peaceful way if that's how she felt, even if we never got together again. We could just both consider it a chapter in our lives. Anyhow, I'll try not to run this any longer than it needs to be. I will definitely set up the meeting and discuss all of these points with her. I just hope I can get her to discover how she really feels, and if she is really going after another chance out of love, or out of comfort. I will also, of course, mention all of the other points as well about my need to know, and her need to change herself.

[SummerDreams]

Tom this is how I see you while interacting with your wife: Like your kid has done a terrible thing and you want to punish it, but instead the only thing you do is apologize and feel bad for planning to do what you have read is good to do in order to punish the kid. "The kid psychologist suggests that I make you stay in your room for two days so you learn never to make this thing again, I am warning you that I have to do it, I am not sure whether I will though, please dont feel bad if I do it, please dont hurt that much, if I do it I will give you a warning first although I dont want to do it.........and so on". Do you consider this to be the way to punish a kid in order to learn a lesson? You are protecting your wife from pain SHE has created with her immature actions. You feel bad to make her sad while she should now do her best to make you forgive her. You not hurting her is rooted deeply in your head. I dont know if you ser how you act, maybe you will see it now that I tell you. Honestly if you were next to me I would want to shake you and shout to you "Wake up man! You dont deserve this. All the time you are spending obsessing with an immature selfish girl, you lose the chance to improve yourself and meet a real good woman."

[tomcook]

Tom this is how I see you while interacting with your wife: Like your kid has done a terrible thing and you want to punish it, but instead the only thing you do is apologize and feel bad for planning to do what you have read is good to do in order to punish the kid. "The kid psychologist suggests that I make you stay in your room for two days so you learn never to make this thing again, I am warning you that I have to do it, I am not sure whether I will though, please dont feel bad if I do it, please dont hurt that much, if I do it I will give you a warning first although I dont want to do it.........and so on". Do you consider this to be the way to punish a kid in order to learn a lesson? You are protecting your wife from pain SHE has created with her immature actions. You feel bad to make her sad while she should now do her best to make you forgive her. You not hurting her is rooted deeply in your head. I dont know if you ser how you act, maybe you will see it now that I tell you. Honestly if you were next to me I would want to shake you and shout to you "Wake up man! You dont deserve this. All the time you are spending obsessing with an immature selfish girl, you lose the chance to improve yourself and meet a real good woman."

 

I know SummerDreams. You're right. I completely lost it tonight everyone. I remembered one of the guys that she messed with, and I just completely lost it while I was here at home with a friend. I guess I look seriously messed up when I'm mad, because he started to get concerned that I was either going to hurt myself, or hurt the OM. I just can't do this. I was remembering this *******, and the fact that I dislike him more than the other 2 guys for so many reason. For one he messed with her twice (hence the 4 times). Secondly, I did not trust him over a year before the PA, and I told her. He was the one who sent her religious crap, and tried to act faithful. He joined a religious organization that she was the president of literally the semester, just a couple months from cheating on me. He was the one that she sent the stupid message about being a good dancer too, which was deleted. He was the one that I told her not to talk to so late. He is the one that she basically forced me to meet after a religious sermon thing (which I don't go to very often at all) and was late. I complained about it. She got mad at me for the rest of the day. So I went out of my way to meet someone I did not care for, shook his hand, and all of that bull****. I bent over backwards for her so often, it makes me sick to think about. So, who does she go and cheat with, and who is forceful and tries to get her to give him oral (which she did) and supposedly tried to make her have sex saying nobody would know (apparently)? This same guy. I would really like to break his neck for it, and that is an understatement. I just went crazy when I thought of all of this again.

[tomcook]

Since I can't have my way and kick his face into a curb, I'm forcing her to file sexual assault charges against him, and I will rip everything that's important to him away piece by piece. School, reputation, **** him.

[SummerDreams]

I officially dont know what to tell you anymore. Such a shame. Ruining ypur health for such worthless people...

[tomcook]

I officially dont know what to tell you anymore. Such a shame. Ruining ypur health for such worthless people...

 

I am sorry SummerDreams. I am shaking out of control right now. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the gates of hell just opened up inside of me. I haven't been this angry since I first found out, but I'm losing it. I need to get a grip on things quickly.

[qubist]

I am sorry SummerDreams. I am shaking out of control right now. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the gates of hell just opened up inside of me. I haven't been this angry since I first found out, but I'm losing it. I need to get a grip on things quickly.

Tom: you are angry and stressed because you have been spending too much energy since Dday. you have to stop torturing yourself, it'll only get worst till you exhaust yourself.let's put the facts:

1- she cheated, admitted but did not tell you the whole nine yard of her multiple affairs

2- she is sorry, wants to R.

3- you can't forget and completely forgive but at the same time you can't let her go.

4- she is young immature, and like almost everybody else is not aware of what it really takes to really R, which is normal she said she wanted too but, Not trying to be devil advocate here, unless someone shows her how she will not do it the right way.

 

Tom. it is time for you to act as I told you many time you can survive this with her or without her.

if you can't let her go. you can just sit here and assume that she magically starts making the right moves. it seems to me that you expect taht you are just going to wake up one day and find yourself either forgetting about her or forgiving her completely without any pain or sacrifice. that's not happening you gotta take action my friend. we can tell you to do x,y and z but at the end you the one who will have to choose the path and most importantly live with the consequences. the only thing I'm urging yuo to to is to stop sitting and torturing yourself.

here are the choices:

1- Divorce go away complete NC start a new life.

2- stay with her and start from scratch

3- try R put a time table and plan that you both agree, reach out to some professional therapy for her. then make a decision later

I do not recommend choice#2 BTW. but I'm fine with either 1 or 2.

anything but torturing yourself

[tomcook]

Tom: you are angry and stressed because you have been spending too much energy since Dday. you have to stop torturing yourself, it'll only get worst till you exhaust yourself.let's put the facts:

1- she cheated, admitted but did not tell you the whole nine yard of her multiple affairs

2- she is sorry, wants to R.

3- you can't forget and completely forgive but at the same time you can't let her go.

4- she is young immature, and like almost everybody else is not aware of what it really takes to really R, which is normal she said she wanted too but, Not trying to be devil advocate here, unless someone shows her how she will not do it the right way.

 

Tom. it is time for you to act as I told you many time you can survive this with her or without her.

if you can't let her go. you can just sit here and assume that she magically starts making the right moves. it seems to me that you expect taht you are just going to wake up one day and find yourself either forgetting about her or forgiving her completely without any pain or sacrifice. that's not happening you gotta take action my friend. we can tell you to do x,y and z but at the end you the one who will have to choose the path and most importantly live with the consequences. the only thing I'm urging yuo to to is to stop sitting and torturing yourself.

here are the choices:

1- Divorce go away complete NC start a new life.

2- stay with her and start from scratch

3- try R put a time table and plan that you both agree, reach out to some professional therapy for her. then make a decision later

I do not recommend choice#2 BTW. but I'm fine with either 1 or 2.

anything but torturing yourself

 

She just recited the whole story of the OM that was forceful for the police report. She said she was afraid of her mom finding out, and it was too much for me. I told her not to worry about it anymore. I told her that I have given up, and that I have no fight left in me. I am done with the marriage. I cried. She said it would haunt her forever that she lost the one she loved and that she will be forever sorry for what she's done. I told her not to let it haunt her, and that I forgive her, but I wouldn't be able to forgive her if I was with her, and I would make her life a living hell. I told her to be free, and maybe some day when we grow as people, we will meet again. Thank you qubist. Thank you all. Very tough. I finally went over the edge and could not take it anymore. I have taken your advice. I have officially taken action to choose to put a stop to torturing myself.

[qubist]

She just recited the whole story of the OM that was forceful for the police report. She said she was afraid of her mom finding out, and it was too much for me. I told her not to worry about it anymore. I told her that I have given up, and that I have no fight left in me. I am done with the marriage. I cried. She said it would haunt her forever that she lost the one she loved and that she will be forever sorry for what she's done. I told her not to let it haunt her, and that I forgive her, but I wouldn't be able to forgive her if I was with her, and I would make her life a living hell. I told her to be free, and maybe some day when we grow as people, we will meet again. Thank you qubist. Thank you all. Very tough. I finally went over the edge and could not take it anymore. I have taken your advice. I have officially taken action to choose to put a stop to torturing myself.

Tomcook: I feel your pain, but I'm glad you came to a decision. it is tough but that was expected. you will be fine trust me. you are both young and if you do the right thing you will get out of this with a good lesson. you did it the right way too by forgiving her and not holding any grudge or hate against her. who knows what the future holds for both of you. that will bring the real her out. good luck

[World's.Edge]

I am sorry SummerDreams. I am shaking out of control right now. I don't know what happened, but I feel like the gates of hell just opened up inside of me. I haven't been this angry since I first found out, but I'm losing it. I need to get a grip on things quickly.

You were in shock and have been exhausting yourself, the shock has worn off but your efforts have caught up to you and now you're feeling the emotions and fatigue.

 

I recommend that you start working out to help channel your emotions into a productive physical outlet. Exercise, join a gym, take a sport, etc.

 

File for divorce and Maintain No Contact with your wife unless it involves legal, financial or household matters. Take time to heal and focus on yourself so that you can move on. It'll take time but in the end you will be okay.

[tomcook]

Tomcook: I feel your pain, but I'm glad you came to a decision. it is tough but that was expected. you will be fine trust me. you are both young and if you do the right thing you will get out of this with a good lesson. you did it the right way too by forgiving her and not holding any grudge or hate against her. who knows what the future holds for both of you. that will bring the real her out. good luck

 

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

[tomcook]

You were in shock and have been exhausting yourself, the shock has worn off but your efforts have caught up to you and now you're feeling the emotions and fatigue.

 

I recommend that you start working out to help channel your emotions into a productive physical outlet. Exercise, join a gym, take a sport, etc.

 

File for divorce and Maintain No Contact with your wife unless it involves legal, financial or household matters. Take time to heal and focus on yourself so that you can move on. It'll take time but in the end you will be okay.

 

Thank you World's.Edge. I can get through this. I just want some reassurance that I made the right decision to go straight for divorce and not for the trial period that I had been considering. She seemed so sad and disappointed. It was very hard for me to stand my ground, but I did. I will get started I guess, but please somebody give me some reassurance that I went the right way. God, this has been the hardest decision of my entire life. Hardest year of my life.

[qubist]

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

TomCook: I don't know how many times I wrote this but I will say it again.YOU CAN MAKE IT EITHER WAY AND BE HAPPY. you are not at fault if you don't want to give her another chance you shouldn't feel guilty about it and you can go through it and see satisfaction in that decision if you want to. but ,and again this is my opinion, giving her another chance is an option too as long as you both do the right thing.

you are young which is a good thing in either route you choose. if you leave you still have your life in front of you to start from scratch. if you decide to R with a plan you still can afford a tryout period then determine whether to move out or stay.

I will not choose for you my friend and I suggest you don't let anybody here or anywhere else choose for you . just make a decision. but I f I were you I would lay out a plan of 6 to 8 months before I file for D if she is willing to work with you and she sounds she is based on what you wrote. maybe I'm saying this based on my bad experience when I wasn't patient but my case was different than yours.

[fellini]

Truth be told no one decision will make will determine our happiness or prevent us from achieving it. Especially if we are not deceiving ourselves when deciding.

 

But even if we make a "wrong" decision, whatever that is, we can and more likely than not, be happy.

 

I want to be with my WW. I can be happy with that decision. I am also absolutely certain I can be happy WITHOUT my WW.

 

You have not been able to reach this point in your path because you are an extremely impatient BS who, at the deepest of levels, has not grasped the totality of what has happened. You continue to speak about this infidelity as though you were somehow involved in it. You were not, but the betrayal, like all betrayal does implicate you because it is your shared relationship which has been put to the test. But seeing infidelity through the singular eyes of a betrayed, through the very narrow perspective of the trauma, is only ONE aspect of the truth. Those who cannot move beyond that should probably give up their relationship because the infidelity will become an addiction for them. First you would have to let go of seeing your wife as a pure good woman who belongs to you and has no life or existence outside of her relationship with you, and then you would have to let go of the addiction to her infidelity as it has come to shape who you have become. And as others have said here, many BS's cannot make that transition.

 

It's not true that a BS can never let go. Some can, let go 100% of everything? Not likely, but enough to move forward and make something genuinely good AFTER (or as they say "from") the infidelity. Something more solid and lasting.

 

The test of whether that BS is you is proving to be unlikely.

 

You will be a happy man once you allow yourself to pass through this.

 

But you have more trauma to negotiate, and you are clearly now adding to that drama your inabiltity to hold off and as a result are doing things that go both in favor and against your nature at the same time.

 

This betrayal seems to have turned you into a scatter bomb ripping through flesh and bone even in places that were not the target. You need peace and tranquility, but you continue to crave violence and action.

 

It does not matter what you decide to do. Just try to be honest with yourself, with the man you want to be, and do it. Get outside and breath some fresh air. Stop sitting at your computer screen frantically awaiting the next post in LS. Go out and live.

 

 

 

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

[MrBojangles]

if you don't want to give her another chance you shouldn't feel guilty about it and you can go through it and see satisfaction in that decision if you want to. but ,and again this is my opinion, giving her another chance is an option too as long as you both do the right thing.

 

 

 

 

I will not choose for you my friend and I suggest you don't let anybody here or anywhere else choose for you . just make a decision. but I f I were you I would lay out a plan of 6 to 8 months before I file for D if she is willing to work with you and she sounds she is based on what you wrote.

 

 

 

Very good points to consider TomCook ^^^

 

You're like many other men, myself included, in that you have your pride and ego to consider in all of this. My advice would be, take it slow, don't rush to end your marriage if she's showing a willingness to work on repairing the damage that she's caused.

 

It's very obvious that you still love her, so why not consider slowing the rush to end your marriage a bit, and get you both into counseling before giving up completely? Of course this is just my two cents, ultimately this is only a decision that you can make, and will based on what you can live with.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[Mz. Pixie]

She's filing assault charges on a guy?

 

Is there a possibility she's made this up? As an abuse survivor it truly makes me sick to think someone would lie.

 

Did the other two come after this one Tom? Or before? If after why would she not be too traumatized to be intimate with anyone at any level? If she was assaulted!

 

This has taken a horrific turn.

[SummerDreams]

Tom it seems you are a person who functions better with being given instructions. As far as my humble opinion stands since this is your life, I can tell you you did the right thing for your own good. Time would not make you feel less betrayed or disrespected. It would just keep you hoping and torturing yourself and the result would be exactly what you did today. Forgiveness comes only after understanding why someone did a mistake and you are nowhere near to understanding why your stbxw acted like she did. Is it pure immaturity? Stupidity? Deceive? Hate? Does it matter? The fact you cant ignore is that her actions destroyed your trust in her and a marriage without trust is a joke.

 

Next step to take: Surround yourself with friends and family and let them know what you are going through and ask for their support. Start IC immediately. Stop communicating with your stbxw NOW. Make plans for 2-3 weekends to come with friends. Focus on your job more than usual. Start reading stuff about steps through and after the divorce. Always remember that you overly exceeded anyone's expectations of what you could have done. You will survive just fine. Every ending is a new start. Positivr thinking is a must. Stay with us and talk to us if you dont have someone with you all the time. You can do this.

[Bigdaddyt]

Thanks for being there for me qubist. True. Who knows what the future holds? I would love to see the real her. She came over. We cried and hugged. She asked me why I was giving up and cried and cried. She kept telling me she doesn't want to give up, and that I have everything there is to know. I told her that I would make her miserable. She said she liked the idea of getting together and trying under a trial period with an agreement, but I did not give in (although I wanted to). I stood my ground, but this hurts. Please tell me I made the right call in not going the trial period route. I don't want to live a life full of regret and what-ifs. I am glad I stood my ground though. I am glad to hear the reassurance of being fine. One day at a time, this will go.

 

Tom, You are showing amazing strength through this ordeal. No one can tell you what the right choice is we all are wired differently and process emotions at a different speed. You have to make this decision all by yourself from what you know is right for you. Be prepared for your WW to come back to you again and again as she realizes what she just lost and her cruel reality sets in.

Be strong and make smart emotionless decisions. You are doing good.

[qubist]

Tom, You are showing amazing strength through this ordeal. No one can tell you what the right choice is we all are wired differently and process emotions at a different speed. You have to make this decision all by yourself from what you know is right for you. Be prepared for your WW to come back to you again and again as she realizes what she just lost and her cruel reality sets in.

Be strong and make smart emotionless decisions. You are doing good.

BigdaddyT : all Tom has to do is see your situation and compere the two he would find out that his is much easier once he stops punishing himself. he has no kids they are both in their mid 20s. his W is not some Psycho like yours,she is not Bisexual. I read your story and the story of a guy whose wife got impregnate by the OM my mind wanted to blow up.

Tomcook: trust me, your situation is very easy if you take it that way