Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[tomcook]

Sorry Tom. The statistics on this board and in doing any kind of research as to how many cheaters employ the "trickle truth" strategy.

 

I noticed earlier I believe that this is your first real serious relationship. Is that right and I'm not confused? That in itself says a bit about why you may be reluctant to leave.

 

What I think may be on your heart is I need to make a decision. Any decision. So that the limbo ends for you even if you end it yourself however I'm not sure that will work.

 

I totally believe you should be in the parking lot for the polygraph. Then you might get it.

 

Even if you do are you prepared to bird dog her for the rest of your life to make sure she's being faithful?

 

Three. Not just one Tom. Not a long term marriage wracked with problems-illness etc. Life will bring challenges. And you want the one who can hang in. Trust me.

 

Yeah. That's the thing Mz. Pixie. I would love to get the parking lot confession, just to finally (hopefully) hear the end of it once and for all. However, I do not want to give her false hope. With my current knowledge, I already have close to 100% intention on divorce, and if in the parking lot more details are to come out (and they probably will give her now impressive track record of trickled truth), I do not want to give her any false hope that there will be a reconciliation. Despite everything you all hear me say, the resentment, the disappointment, I feel for her. I do. I am sorry I cannot swoop in and rescue her from her misery. It's sad, but I can't do it anymore though. I did it far too long, and she acted in an incredibly cold manner without any regard to her husband. I think it would be better for both of us to not be with one another anymore, and that is why I have continued to numb myself up and stand my ground. It's killing me, and I know I'm going to have weak moments, but I have to keep it together.

[tomcook]

Tom

 

You know my thoughts on this...She's not mature enough to be married . She isn't taking it seriously and she's not done playing field .

 

fear is that she'll hurt you again and it's because she sees you love her too much. You both said cheating was a dealbreaker right? She didn't just do it once, with one guy......I reckon this was a MFM and she went ALL the way.

 

You need to detach and do the 180 . You need to gain confidence and know you'll be okay without her in your life.

 

Tom - you deserve an honest woman to match your kindness.

 

I do know your thoughts. Certainly. As always Sandy, thank you. I've only known you all for a short while, but you're all incredible. Thank you.

 

I do fear that she will hurt me again, and if not, I don't know if I could ever even look at her the same again, and it gets worse with each trickled truth.

 

I am not familiar with the acronyms. When you say MFM, do you mean Male-Female-Male? If so, and if that's true, horrible. Disgusting, and horrible. I am definitely in the process of detaching right now, and I was discussing the 180 with a friend earlier. Oh, and yes, cheating was considered a dealbreaker. I made that clear more times than I can remember over the course of our 4 years together, and she knows that. I guess maybe she had read that a lot of marriages that go through this end up reconciling and becoming stronger, so that probably gave her hope.

 

My sympathetic side kept me here. I felt for her, and wanted to stay, get over everything, and put it behind me (way too many "and's" there). However, I think she crossed a line, and I think I knew that was a line that should never be crossed and that is why I stressed the importance of it. She followed it, to the best of my knowledge, but she eventually let herself go all out, and now she will most likely lose someone special to her and suffer the consequences of her bad decisions.

 

And for that last remark, thank you Sandy. I think I deserve an honest woman too. Thank you for your uplifting words of kindness. It really means a lot more than I know how to express in text.

 

I know I must seem a bit slow to all of you, but every word you all say means a great deal to me, and I am trying to make my own decisions of course, but apply the great wisdom you all have shown me.

[tomcook]

Hello all, I think I have managed to reply to all of you individually. If I missed you, I apologize. Here is my general reply to the thread though.

 

My wife is gone. The separation, whatever it is exactly, is in progress, and had been for most of the day. I had a long talk with my best friend out here and he is still in shock. He really liked my wife a lot, and thought of her as a little sister. He is finally more on my end of things now. He still hopes for the best, but he thinks she has mistreated me for a long time, as in, the relationship dynamic was all screwed up. I met my wife to give her the car keys, and she asked me if I wanted my drink that I left in the car, I said yeah, and when I went to take it, she looked at me for a while, smiled, and asked me what I was looking at. I told her nothing, and said I guess I'll see you later, and she did her cute little wave thing with her hand behind her back. It was somewhat sad, but I offered no hugs and kisses, thankfully.

 

I have changed all of the passwords to all of my emails and bank accounts, as well as the emails associated with those accounts.

 

I guess my question for tonight is, what do I do now? I know some of you have said polygraph parking lot confession and offer to work it out if she is honest. Some of you have said file for divorce and never look back. Some of you have said file for divorce and see if that sparks a serious change in her, then offer to reconcile if I am satisfied. I think one of you, possibly drifter, said to just strike and tell her that she lying and I want the full ugly truth. I am still pretty depressed, in shock, but I do feel pretty strong and free at the same time. I'm a little apprehensive with my next steps though, and I am trying to tread carefully here, as I do not want to make any stupid decisions.

[SummerDreams]

Tom I am sad that you are going through such pain but I feel like a doctor who makes a surgery to a patient, make them hurt like hell but he is sure he did the right thing cause sooner or later the patient will be healed and better than before. I do not know the process of divorce so I will let others contribute to this part. My opinion is the following; your wife is a very young person and thus immature. She knows nothing of the pain caused by infidelity simply because her friends treat it as a joke and maybe dont care about it that much. Marriage situation is too much for her to handle. Since you consider infidelity a deal breaker, I see no way for you to accept an open kind of marriage with your wife having flings and one night stands. So in my opinion the info you have is more than enough to rempve yourself from this hurtful situation. Surround yourself with friends and family members, dedicate more hours to work, plan things with friends for each one of the coming weekends and start IC to be helped in a deeper level. I assure you the pain will eventually lessen more and more and all this will become a nightmare you wont remember. Keep in mind from now on that you should choose a woman not from her looks and external cuteness but from her inner beauty and maturity, integrity of character, loyalty and all these traits. Do not compromise with anything less.

[tomcook]

Tom I am sad that you are going through such pain but I feel like a doctor who makes a surgery to a patient, make them hurt like hell but he is sure he did the right thing cause sooner or later the patient will be healed and better than before. I do not know the process of divorce so I will let others contribute to this part. My opinion is the following; your wife is a very young person and thus immature. She knows nothing of the pain caused by infidelity simply because her friends treat it as a joke and maybe dont care about it that much. Marriage situation is too much for her to handle. Since you consider infidelity a deal breaker, I see no way for you to accept an open kind of marriage with your wife having flings and one night stands. So in my opinion the info you have is more than enough to rempve yourself from this hurtful situation. Surround yourself with friends and family members, dedicate more hours to work, plan things with friends for each one of the coming weekends and start IC to be helped in a deeper level. I assure you the pain will eventually lessen more and more and all this will become a nightmare you wont remember. Keep in mind from now on that you should choose a woman not from her looks and external cuteness but from her inner beauty and maturity, integrity of character, loyalty and all these traits. Do not compromise with anything less.

 

Thanks SummerDreams. That's a good analogy. Sadly, I did see those things in her when we met. She's not the hottest girl on the planet. She is very beautiful though. I saw a lot of maturity in her for her age. She was also very nonjudgmental. She was kind, caring, I could share the world with her, but that changed rather fast. That's when I was blindly loyal to her and became more passive than I already am, which as we see now was a big mistake. Perhaps you are right SummerDreams. She stated that I now have everything. I basically told her that is bull**** and that's exactly what she told me last time. She said she is willing to do anything to prove it to me. She (on her own) stated that she would book the polygraph appointment herself. I told her that I would have to think about it. I am still thinking. It is going to be hard to break it to her, or at least break it to her in a way to where it would sound beneficial to her. As much crap as I've been put through by my family, my spouse, by people, it is still very hard for me sometimes to inflict pain upon them, especially someone who once had my heart. The good things about her are a terrible loss, but losing me will be an even more terrible loss for her because of her crap decision. All I can keep saying to myself is that it is a shame. Thanks for your post SummerDreams.

[eric1]

Tom -

 

You are in shock and are in no place to be making any decisions. You WILL settle in, but that day is not today (or even tomorrow). Give it a few days, you just went through a severe emotional event and you need time to heal up. Now is not the time to be making emotional decisions.

 

Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Make a checklist of everything you need to do for the next three days and just do what is on the list.

 

Wake up

Go to gym

Eat

Work

Eat lunch

Go Home

Call support network, etc.

Plan human interaction, go out with a friend or whatever. DO NOT DRINK

 

 

Drink atleast 100oz a water a day and eat. For you to heal emotionally your body MUST be running with enough fuel, or it redirects mental energy into keeping the systems running so to say. Buy a bunch of Muscle Milks if you can't choke food down.

[tomcook]

Tom -

 

You are in shock and are in no place to be making any decisions. You WILL settle in, but that day is not today (or even tomorrow). Give it a few days, you just went through a severe emotional event and you need time to heal up. Now is not the time to be making emotional decisions.

 

Concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. Make a checklist of everything you need to do for the next three days and just do what is on the list.

 

Wake up

Go to gym

Eat

Work

Eat lunch

Go Home

Call support network, etc.

Plan human interaction, go out with a friend or whatever. DO NOT DRINK

 

 

Drink atleast 100oz a water a day and eat. For you to heal emotionally your body MUST be running with enough fuel, or it redirects mental energy into keeping the systems running so to say. Buy a bunch of Muscle Milks if you can't choke food down.

 

You're the man Eric. Thanks. I appreciate the advice. I shall definitely take it. I know a lot of the folks here on my thread have been telling me to similar stuff, that was of course before this most recent event, so I will certainly listen to your advice, as well as all the others. Thanks for breaking down the details. I am glad you mentioned Muscle Milk. I feel like I will be going into one of those phases where I don't eat again. When I first found out back in early March, I think I lost around 20 pounds in just a single month or two. It got pretty bad. I know what to do this time though. Thanks again Eric.

[road]

Thanks qubist. Good to see you on my thread again. Yeah, I need to make my decision quick.

 

 

No you do not need to make any fast decisions. It takes 6 months after D day for the BS mind to process that the affair happened for calm rational decisions can be made.

[road]

We are already separated. She is at a friend's house (or at a boyfriend's house getting it on), but I may meet her later this week. It does feel like crap that it is coming to this, but I know this is what I was leaning to from the beginning. It's just been hard to get here with all the tears and manipulative remarks. If she really cared, she wouldn't have continue to trickle the damn truth.

 

 

Being separated never facilitates recovery it only facilitates divorce.

 

 

As to not caring because she it trickle truthing is nothing farther from the truth.

 

 

WW's compartmentise their minds. This is how they are able to have an affair. When the affair is discovered they are forced to admit to themselves that their affair was wrong. However to admit that fact to others is more embarrassing and painful.

 

 

Also telling the BH what happened in the affair is just as painful for her as well.

 

 

Then the WW does not want to answer the BH's questions because she knows the answers will hurt the BH as well.

 

 

So to minimize the pain for all the WW refuses to tell her BH anything. Though the WW being pushed for details from her BH she tells her BH a little bit. Then the BH suspects his WW has more to tell and pushes for more details. Thus the trickle truth continues.

[tomcook]

No you do not need to make any fast decisions. It takes 6 months after D day for the BS mind to process that the affair happened for calm rational decisions can be made.

 

Makes sense road. That's another reason I didn't make any hasty emotionally charged decisions right after finding out. I guess my official D-Day for learning about the EA was in early February, and then the PA was early March, which has been 6-7 months. The problem is the ****ing trickled truth, especially this last one (even though I asked for it). This one has been almost like reliving the discovery and the betrayal. It's that same feeling where you start imagining a situation, or you get the mind movies that make you just want to fall to your knees in tears.

 

When is my 6 month mark if I keep getting newer D-Day's. When am I going to say enough is enough and call it quits? NOW she is willing to book the polygraph herself and is willing to prove to me on her own that I know everything there is to know, but after what, after what hell I've been through do I finally get to hear that? That's great that she took her sweet time, but the trust is gone. I don't think she FULLY gets that yet. I am at a point where I can almost question every single thing she's said in the past however many years, and it sucks. I am already an insecure person, so that only made it worse on me. Life is a bitch sometimes, and I feel sorry for anyone who has had to go through this crap, or gone through anything worse (because I know anything bad can always be worse).

 

You'd think it would be easy for me given the facts, but no, the lady makes it hard on me by tugging at my damn heart strings. She knows I'm sympathetic, and I don't want to hurt her. Not this time though. She doesn't get it her way. She needs to learn once and for all that there are consequences to be had (besides the guilt) when you want to break the rules. That's like me saying, "Oh, I forgot to pay rent. My uncle died. Please give me a break." Yeah maybe they feel sorry for me, but I bet I'll still have to pay the price for my mistake.

 

I won't file for divorce yet, especially considering that I am extremely furious at the moment, but I can tell you that I am definitely still leaning towards my freedom from her, because there has to be a line drawn somewhere and I think we all know that I've let her cross way over that line. A part of me doesn't want to do it. I want her to change, and want to give her a chance, and want to believe her sweet side, but you can't ****ing tell someone how much you want to be better for them, and thank them for taking your word, and still be betraying them at the same time. It invalidates any genuine anything from the whole scenario. My heart may be a weak romantic's, but the **** if I care what my heart says anymore.

[road]

Makes sense road. That's another reason I didn't make any hasty emotionally charged decisions right after finding out. I guess my official D-Day for learning about the EA was in early February, and then the PA was early March, which has been 6-7 months. The problem is the ****ing trickled truth, especially this last one (even though I asked for it). This one has been almost like reliving the discovery and the betrayal. It's that same feeling where you start imagining a situation, or you get the mind movies that make you just want to fall to your knees in tears.

 

When is my 6 month mark if I keep getting newer D-Day's. When am I going to say enough is enough and call it quits? NOW she is willing to book the polygraph herself and is willing to prove to me on her own that I know everything there is to know, but after what, after what hell I've been through do I finally get to hear that? That's great that she took her sweet time, but the trust is gone. I don't think she FULLY gets that yet. I am at a point where I can almost question every single thing she's said in the past however many years, and it sucks. I am already an insecure person, so that only made it worse on me. Life is a bitch sometimes, and I feel sorry for anyone who has had to go through this crap, or gone through anything worse (because I know anything bad can always be worse).

 

You'd think it would be easy for me given the facts, but no, the lady makes it hard on me by tugging at my damn heart strings. She knows I'm sympathetic, and I don't want to hurt her. Not this time though. She doesn't get it her way. She needs to learn once and for all that there are consequences to be had (besides the guilt) when you want to break the rules. That's like me saying, "Oh, I forgot to pay rent. My uncle died. Please give me a break." Yeah maybe they feel sorry for me, but I bet I'll still have to pay the price for my mistake.

 

I won't file for divorce yet, especially considering that I am extremely furious at the moment, but I can tell you that I am definitely still leaning towards my freedom from her, because there has to be a line drawn somewhere and I think we all know that I've let her cross way over that line. A part of me doesn't want to do it. I want her to change, and want to give her a chance, and want to believe her sweet side, but you can't ****ing tell someone how much you want to be better for them, and thank them for taking your word, and still be betraying them at the same time. It invalidates any genuine anything from the whole scenario. My heart may be a weak romantic's, but the **** if I care what my heart says anymore.

 

 

How about 6 months from the polygraph test?

[tomcook]

Being separated never facilitates recovery it only facilitates divorce.

 

 

As to not caring because she it trickle truthing is nothing farther from the truth.

 

 

WW's compartmentise their minds. This is how they are able to have an affair. When the affair is discovered they are forced to admit to themselves that their affair was wrong. However to admit that fact to others is more embarrassing and painful.

 

 

Also telling the BH what happened in the affair is just as painful for her as well.

 

 

Then the WW does not want to answer the BH's questions because she knows the answers will hurt the BH as well.

 

 

So to minimize the pain for all the WW refuses to tell her BH anything. Though the WW being pushed for details from her BH she tells her BH a little bit. Then the BH suspects his WW has more to tell and pushes for more details. Thus the trickle truth continues.

 

Thank you road for this very informative explanation. I apologize for my rant in the post right before this. It's not aimed at you obviously. It's just been a frustrating day. That is what I assumed, part of what I heard from a couple of posters, and now you have broken it down a little more. Now, you are the one appealing to my sympathetic side.

 

I know it has to be hard for her. It's hard for me to admit the truth of things, and I believe she loves me and wants to be with me. That may be the one thing I do believe. However, the trickled truth is crushing. She said she wanted to tell me in our talks that we agreed to, but we never got to having one of the talks because we were both busy. She said it's embarrassing and she didn't want to hurt me. I get it, or at least I partly believe that.

 

She basically said in a text today that she didn't think she would have the chance (or courage, not sure) to tell me sooner than 5 years from now or something. So, I told her to imagine that. You're not telling me because you don't want to hurt me, but you want to tell me 5 years from now when I finally get back to being myself a little more only to devastate me, and make me feel the betrayal is present tense again, but even worse now. How can that be an ideal route to take? I get her approach. I do get it, but it should also be obvious that would kill me to hear that. You want me to go 5 years in possibly, waste more of my life, and then hear it. What if THAT was my dealbreaker? I would have wasted nearly 10 years of my life with someone who was stabbing me in the back through the willful omission of facts.

[tomcook]

How about 6 months from the polygraph test?

 

That actually sounds like a decent timeline. It's not so long that I want to kill myself, but it is long enough for me to make an emotionally stable decision. What about the separation/structured separation? How long should that last in that case, since it has already started?

[Mz. Pixie]

I will add something I'm not sure if anyone else has.

 

Do not seek out the company of the opposite sex now. Period.

 

You will be tempted. Sorely. However it will not be good for you. You're all over the place. And you will hurt another person perhaps-the one you get involved in. Or you won't see them clearly.

 

Her text about the five years sounds like a pretty good close confession. Or am I reading that incorrectly.

 

Don't even joke about ending your life. Your life is just beginning. You will recover and love again. Promise.

[qubist]

That actually sounds like a decent timeline. It's not so long that I want to kill myself, but it is long enough for me to make an emotionally stable decision. What about the separation/structured separation? How long should that last in that case, since it has already started?

 

Tom: i see a lot frustration which is a sign of excessive stress on you. you need to calm down. It is true what Road explained, there is thread that still active where the OP is a cheating wife that didn't want to tell her H. everyone advised her to do so it took a lot of push for her to do it, her excuse was exactly what Road wrote, confessing was a punishment for both the OP and her BH, we can sit her and argue whether she should tell you everything or not. I do believe that eventually she should in order to completely R however I do believe that it doesn't have to be now. every case is different.

while I commend your patience I have tell you that you are burning your nerves so bad. you have to make a decision one way or another. in my opinion. you should take some time off go to a calm place think it all over than choose one of these 2 things

1- just tell her you can live with this and move on then file for D: if you do it you will still be in pain, make no mistake about it but with time you will move on you are still young.

2- give her a second chance, knowing that this is a pumpy road for both of you. both of you will have to understand what you need to do. she will have to pull up with you as a BH like every other WW have too which include the possibility of you just having enough and walking out;and you you understand that she has personalty flaws that you will have to help her correct, you also know and understand that she's been tikle-truthing you and will just learn to live with it for now hopefully she would realize one day that the best thing for everyone if she comes out clean. in this case IV will be highly recommended for her.

Tom I'm not going to suggest which route you take and honestly you shouldn't listen to me or anybody else but YOU. the only thing I'm asking you to do is to stop torturing yourself, make a decision and move on

[sandylee1]

Tom

 

Is she saying there's more, but she won't be able to tell you till 5 more years?

 

MFM is as you guessed. Two guys present and one girl (that's how I understood it ) what else could it be?

I get that she's ashamed about what she's done and feels embarrassed, but what I'm not seeing from what you say , is remorse.

 

If she was a bit more clever, she would have been so remorseful to you and you wouldn't have even dug for more information. I think what's pushed you to this point is her attitude. When some women have a guy who loves them so much like you, they take advantage and feel safe in the knowledge you'll always be there.

 

Remember she said she won't make up stuff to please you? That almost convinced you nothing happened - now she went down on them. So you know how easily she lies and could have you fooled.

 

Marriage is hard work at the best of times you have lots of tricky times to get through. When one spouse cheats, it just destroys everything and it's never the same again.

 

Your wife has a lot of growing up to do. I know she could cheat at any age. I hear of women over 65 cheating......sounds terrible but that's what they are like . They've cheated all their lives.

 

Take the time to work on you. No matter how much love you have for her, is that love enough to excuse her having other men in her mouth? Risking your health? Is that showing you respect?

 

Is this woman good enough to be a mother to your future children ? Is she worthy of having your heart?

 

Protect your heart Tom, because she won't.

 

Maybe she'll be a better person in a few years time.

 

No need to be hasty. I see you as a loving young man, who has been disrespected because you're a bit naive and a nice guy. I'm not saying to become someone else, but rather have a woman love and respect you as you are.

 

You are important

You are loyal

You are kind

You deserve respect

You deserve a faithful wife

 

Don't settle for less. Sit back and watch her actions.

[fellini]

Being separated never facilitates recovery it only facilitates divorce.

 

That's a pretty strong assertion. In fact, the concept of "structured separation" is exactly designed to be a last resort to save a marriage, not a door to ending it.

 

And in fact, my WW and I did a one month structured separation and it is probably the only reason we are still together 2.5 years later.

 

Then we can add the myriad of stories of people who separate, don't work on ANYTHING, but end up back together again.

[Mz. Pixie]

Actions will outweigh words every time.

 

Tom if you are in crisis call a close friend.

[fellini]

That actually sounds like a decent timeline. It's not so long that I want to kill myself, but it is long enough for me to make an emotionally stable decision. What about the separation/structured separation? How long should that last in that case, since it has already started?

 

I have to say Tom, you seem to flying on the seat of your pants. You have enacted a separation (could be a good thing) but you haven't really thought about what a) is the structure and b) the purpose both for you and for her.

 

What is the point of having a structured separation if you don't agree on the terms? Separating to "get your head together" seems pretty risky. You are a BS in trauma over this. You need concrete steps or you are just waiting her out.

 

Other issue: you continue to talk about what she DID to you. And your talk continues to be supporting the idea that you are deciding between this woman and "another good woman out there" who what? won't cheat on you? Really?

 

Correct me if I am wrong...

 

You love this woman.

You are in pain.

Your emotions are all over the place.

You can't think straight.

You want more answers (or possible "more details")

 

You want to separate, possibly even divorce, throw in the towel, but you are still hoovering around your concept of your wife like she has a chance for forgiveness.

 

This is precisely why I recommended you set yourself up with a CHUNK of time (3 months for example - not one year like you said, whatever) to sit tight and work through this together. THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT HER! She has her sh-t to deal with and you have yours. I assure you in those three months I gave myself (then extended it to 2 more, then 4 more) I was out the door more times than I can count on two hands. But I reminded myself to push through the bad days, and on the side of the anger or pain, I was back trying to make it work.

 

You seem to have fast tracked your timeline for 1) recovery and 2) reconciliation. Listen: if you haven't fully recovered from the blow of what truth you have, what makes you think she has? Telling someone for the 10th time "this is your chance to clear the air" is NOT GOING TO WORK ON CHEATERS. They know all about procrastination.

 

If you have REALLY thrown in the towel on your marriage, which is a perfectly reasonable expectation, then throw IN THE TOWEL.

 

But if there is a voice in the back of your mind thinking she is going to suddenly come clean, or you are trying to strategically pull truth out of her before she is ready to do so, or you are reluctant for whatever reason to throw in the towel, THEN DON'T DO IT.

 

Life has taught me it is a mistake to ACT contrary to what we actually FEEL.

 

You are in a structured separation, as you say. Now is your time to think about what YOU WANT FOR YOU, not what she has to do for you while you are separated. If you ever decide to get back together, then you should speak about what are the requirements each has to each other to make it work. But your separation from her is NOT a strategy for getting her to do what you want her to do, it is only going to distract her into figuring out how to end the separation!

 

Hope that makes sense to you.

[tomcook]

Thanks for your replies. I'll take it all into consideration. I know I should listen to what I'm feeling obviously, but I can't tell what I feel. I feel two polar opposite things at the same time. Anyway, you all made good points though. I will sit, think about it, and update you all later on today. Thanks everybody.

[qubist]

Thanks for your replies. I'll take it all into consideration. I know I should listen to what I'm feeling obviously, but I can't tell what I feel. I feel two polar opposite things at the same time. Anyway, you all made good points though. I will sit, think about it, and update you all later on today. Thanks everybody.

 

Good luck.

[drifter777]

Thanks for your replies. I'll take it all into consideration. I know I should listen to what I'm feeling obviously, but I can't tell what I feel. I feel two polar opposite things at the same time. Anyway, you all made good points though. I will sit, think about it, and update you all later on today. Thanks everybody.

 

I support the idea of a separation so that you can prepare for divorce - and there's a simple reason for this: you have made post after post telling all of us that you will never "get over" the sexual component of her cheating. You don't always say it overtly but it's in your words nonetheless.

 

You just found out that she did a lot more sexually than she admitted to previously. Even though what you already knew was unthinkable, you were holding out hope that if that's all it was then maybe you could learn to live with it. This latest revelation is stunning and your worst fear's have come true and you know there's more.

 

You readily admit that when you are with her she plies you with tears and smiles and kisses and (sex?) and does everything in her power to manipulate and distract you away from her cheating. That's her job right now - to gaslight you so you will continue providing care and support for her. She's just as "comfortable" with your relationship as you are and it's scary for her to see it end. So, that's the situation you will remain in as long as you continue to have any contact with her.

[tomcook]

I support the idea of a separation so that you can prepare for divorce - and there's a simple reason for this: you have made post after post telling all of us that you will never "get over" the sexual component of her cheating. You don't always say it overtly but it's in your words nonetheless.

 

You just found out that she did a lot more sexually than she admitted to previously. Even though what you already knew was unthinkable, you were holding out hope that if that's all it was then maybe you could learn to live with it. This latest revelation is stunning and your worst fear's have come true and you know there's more.

 

You readily admit that when you are with her she plies you with tears and smiles and kisses and (sex?) and does everything in her power to manipulate and distract you away from her cheating. That's her job right now - to gaslight you so you will continue providing care and support for her. She's just as "comfortable" with your relationship as you are and it's scary for her to see it end. So, that's the situation you will remain in as long as you continue to have any contact with her.

 

I think you and I are mostly on the same page, especially with the claim that I will not get over the sexual component. However, according to some of the other posters like Fellini or Road for instance, I may not have given myself enough time to truly "get over" it. What is your opinion on that aspect? Of course, no matter what way I eventually take, I am still doing the 180, and if I choose to reconcile for some reason, then I will be writing up a reconciliation agreement that wouldn't just cover infidelity. It would also have to cover all of the other mistreatment in the relationship. I totally agree on the comfort part though. I feel like check had already checked out of the marriage when she cheated based on what she said which is understandable. Sometimes, things just don't work out. So yeah, I think she was just as scared to see it end, and chose to go ahead and get some side action. What do they say? She went ahead and had her cake and ate it too.I think the same applies to me, as you or another poster mentioned a few days ago. I am trying to do the same thing, except without the cheating. I am trying to free myself from her, start life 2.0, but I also am choosing to stay for the comfort, routine, and familiarity of my life with her. The mind can really work against you.

[turnera]

Over on another forum, a common saying is, 'If she says they talked, they kissed; if she says they kissed, they fooled around; if she says they fooled around, they had intercourse.'

 

It's just the way waywards minimalize what they did, in their own heads, so as to not have to see the truth in the mirror or to hurt you.

[drifter777]

I think you and I are mostly on the same page, especially with the claim that I will not get over the sexual component. However, according to some of the other posters like Fellini or Road for instance, I may not have given myself enough time to truly "get over" it. What is your opinion on that aspect? Of course, no matter what way I eventually take, I am still doing the 180, and if I choose to reconcile for some reason, then I will be writing up a reconciliation agreement that wouldn't just cover infidelity. It would also have to cover all of the other mistreatment in the relationship. I totally agree on the comfort part though. I feel like check had already checked out of the marriage when she cheated based on what she said which is understandable. Sometimes, things just don't work out. So yeah, I think she was just as scared to see it end, and chose to go ahead and get some side action. What do they say? She went ahead and had her cake and ate it too.I think the same applies to me, as you or another poster mentioned a few days ago. I am trying to do the same thing, except without the cheating. I am trying to free myself from her, start life 2.0, but I also am choosing to stay for the comfort, routine, and familiarity of my life with her. The mind can really work against you.

 

After the initial severe shock and anger and pain of d-day begin to wear off - maybe a few days - I think a BH knows whether he can ever get past the sex. For some men "sex is just sex" and they are much more hurt by the emotional aspect and all the lies. Of course the sex hurts but it is not their primary focus of her cheating. But for many men the sexual part is a killer. These are men who view sex as sort of sacred and something that is exclusive to their relationship. Something that they promised they would never share with another. Those men - and they know who they are very early after d-day - those men shouldn't even try reconciliation. Most of them will at least stay and try to re-orient their world. They try to see their wife and marriage the way it used to be and hope that a miracle will happen and things will be good again. But, in their heart, they know that they will never look at her without seeing her as tainted. They know that reconciliation means they settle for a woman who betrayed them in the worst possible way.

 

You know if you can ever get past the sex. And I don't mean just learn to live with it but actually accept it and rebuild everything from there. You know enough to make this determination now and you don't even know the full extent yet. So your choice is to end your marriage quickly and start working on your personal healing or stay where you are and slug it out for a while.

 

You trying to "have your cake and eat it too" is unfair at this point. You've been devastated - discovering such a betrayal is a shock to your very soul. For you to react in this knee-jerk, all-over-the-place, crying one minute and hopeful the next is typical of nearly every BS. As you begin to absorb the reality of it all you will want to make decisions. No one wants to stay stuck in pain and you will try to find a way to move forward and find healing. For now I strongly urge you to go completely No Contact with your WW and use the solitude to decide on what path you want to move forward on.

Edited September 10, 2015 by drifter777