Am I Receiving Partial Truth?

[tomcook]

Okay Tom. So you are going to try the reconciliation route. Some pointers from experience (errors I made and things that seemed to work) Take them as needed:

 

1. Remember: Days and hours ahead in which you are thinking of leaving and decide to stay. They begin to eventually swing toward the latter if the process is working.......

 

I love this post Fellini. You are truly a wise man. Some of what you say sometimes is hard to swallow, but I know you are right. I mentioned some of your posts to my wife, and she likes them too. She is very appreciative of you taking the time to help and share of your own experience in this. Your advice is worth its weight in gold, and I appreciate it Fellini. I don't want to leave any of the other folks out either. They have also been tremendously supportive of me:

Qubist, ShatteredLady, SandyLee, TX-SC, RightThere, AliveAgain, Road, SummerDreams, Drifter, World's.Edge, Mr. Bojangles, BigDaddyT, Mz. Pixie, BetrayedH, Sidney, Understand50, Popsicle, Eric, JustAGuy, LoisGriffin, OldRover, Bryanp, Mr.Lucky, singer23, IAmGutted, salparadise, SSJRomance, Clarence_Boddicker, Not Camelot, harrybrown, TrustedThenBusted, WhatNotAgain, Timmos, 66Charger, Artie Lang, Morro72, m.snow, AlwaysGrowing, SpaceRitual, Marc878, deadelvis, happyman64, DKT3, Jacob_Duluoz, flowergirl14, Mr.Mind of Shazam, starpower, d0nnivain, bubbaganoosh, Spanz1, Turnera, nightmare01, lolablue17, SycamoreCircle, jbrent890, Vercetti, kgColonel, runredlights, OldShirt, etc. There are so many. I wanted to mention everyone but it's so many pages.

 

Took a lot to influencing me I guess, haha. Seriously though, thank you Fellini, and thank you all. This is not the happy ending (I'm not that naive anymore), but it is another one of my many, many thank you's.

 

No worries, I'll take your advice to heart the best that I can, and keep you all updated regularly.

Edited September 14, 2015 by tomcook

[fellini]

I wish you the best of luck. I don't think I have much more to say really, that isn't in these pages or in other threads.

 

Eventually you will find your spark.

 

At some point you may even begin to feel this:

 

Some men can get past infidelity. Some men cannot.

 

That is to say, it's about the man. Not the infidelity, not the wife. The infidelity and the wife remain. But what remains of the man? That is entirely up to you.

 

Go forward with eyes wide open.

[tomcook]

I wish you the best of luck. I don't think I have much more to say really, that isn't in these pages or in other threads.

 

Eventually you will find your spark.

 

At some point you may even begin to feel this:

 

Some men can get past infidelity. Some men cannot.

 

That is to say, it's about the man. Not the infidelity, not the wife. The infidelity and the wife remain. But what remains of the man? That is entirely up to you (everyone).

 

Go forward with eyes wide open.

 

Thanks a lot Fellini. That is what I am waiting to feel. In my current angry state, I can relate more to the man who doesn't get past it, but I know I have to give myself time to properly heal, then reanalyze the situation at that time. You've certainly earned your break from my thread. I will gladly update you if there is anything more in the coming days, months, etc.

 

If you are a faithful man, may God reward you for all of the time you (everyone) sacrifice here for others. If not, may the good come back around to you. Thanks again.

[Bigdaddyt]

I loved all of your posts. Thanks for all the support. After reading the posts by Qubist, Fellini, Mr. Bojangles, TX-SC, my friends and others, I have (and I'm afraid some of you will bash me for this) decided that I will give my marriage a trial period. As some of you said, she seems to genuinely want to work on this. She has volunteered to do anything I ask, anything, and has already put a good foot forward. I have told her that there will be a postnup agreement and I will demand her to do everything I ask in order to repair the relationship dynamic. She agreed, and said that she is willing to jump through hoops for me, as much as she has to in order to prove that she loves me, wants me, etc. She said she doesn't want to throw everything we've done away, and if after the trial I am still not satisfied, we can go our separate ways. She's answered every single one of my questions up to this point without getting upset and weird. She's cried a little, but still answered them, and told me how dumb she feels for doing all of this, and how great of a person I am, and all of that good stuff. I've told her that although what she did is stupid, I have forgiven her (whether we stay together or go our separate way), and I am only making her recall the information for my benefit, her benefit, out benefit in moving past this, if possible. I've told her that although I have chosen this route, I am still obviously in the aftermath of finding out the last bit of info, so my emotions are not 100% on this, as you all can understand. It took a lot of work to push me to the point of accepting divorce, and I explained to her that it will be a lot of work to get me back from it. In fact, I may or may not ever come back from the feeling of wanting to divorce if I do not learn to move past it, which is a shame, but I understand some BS's just never get there. She has to be prepared to face that, which has saddened her a lot, but she has been very understanding. She says that she is confident that I will heal and that she can change my mindset within a trial period. I feel, as some of the other posters mentioned, that the most sensible thing to do is to try for a set period, because who knows, maybe the changes that take place will really make me happy I tried. However, if not, at least we can both feel less guilty and say that we tried. I am working on the details right now. I'll keep you all updated. Thanks for all of your inputs.

 

Tom, I truly wish you the best of luck with your R. There will be good days and bad ahead, embrace the good and the bad days will pass.

[tomcook]

Tom, I truly wish you the best of luck with your R. There will be good days and bad ahead, embrace the good and the bad days will pass.

 

Thanks a lot Bigdaddyt. I will certainly do my best, but will try hard to be happy not matter the outcome. I also would like to wish you the best of luck. Going from the person you explained yourself as in your thread to the person that made all of the strong decisions you made is inspiring. It made me feel like even I could be strong when the time is right.

 

And by the way, you did not sound like a girl in that post. If that sounded like a girl, then I must sound like a girl in all of my posts. Don't be so hard on yourself man, haha.

[Popsicle]

You should have left.

[Bigdaddyt]

Thanks a lot Bigdaddyt. I will certainly do my best, but will try hard to be happy not matter the outcome. I also would like to wish you the best of luck. Going from the person you explained yourself as in your thread to the person that made all of the strong decisions you made is inspiring. It made me feel like even I could be strong when the time is right.

 

And by the way, you did not sound like a girl in that post. If that sounded like a girl, then I must sound like a girl in all of my posts. Don't be so hard on yourself man, haha.

 

Tom, I support your decision to R, you must always do what you know in your heart is the right choice for you. Do not let anyone make you second guess your decision , it is your decision that you alone must live with. You must give this everything that you have and do so without being afraid to fail. Best of luck my friend , Trust but verify

[MrBojangles]

Tom, every single case of infidelity is unique to the people that are actually involved. I would just add that you are no less of a man by giving reconciliation a real shot, with your W. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you do not have to justify your choice to ANYBODY else outside of your marriage.

 

I've been where you are in the past, and I let my pride / ego cause me to do some very dumb things, and walk away from what could have been saved. 12 years later, the regret of not having tried still remains. You owe it to yourself to give it an honest try.

 

Again, very best of luck to you both!

[qubist]

Tom, congratulations !!! I'm really happy you made a decision. I was afraid that you get stuck in the same cycle you've been in since Dday. Trust me you will feel a huge relief. The energy that you were waisting had almost exhausted you completely.

As for your decision to go for another chance, I personally think it was the right one. Based on what you described she deserve a second chance. Just be careful R could be challenging. But you will be OK. Fillini had some good advice for you. There are some dangerous slips that people fell for while R. But do not worry. We are here to guide the best we can

If I may suggest something. Close this thread and open a new one in the " second chance" section of the forum. You have passed the stage of reacting to her A. Now you are in the second stage. IMO it s better to stay away from all that can remind you of the first stage including this thread so you can focus on what's next

Like I said before you can find happiness either way you chose . Good luck

Edited September 14, 2015 by qubist

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay Tom. So you are going to try the reconciliation route. Some pointers from experience (errors I made and things that seemed to work) Take them as needed:

 

1. Remember: Days and hours ahead in which you are thinking of leaving and decide to stay. They begin to eventually swing toward the latter if the process is working.

 

2. About "jumping through hoops". Initially very important. Be very careful about abusing these "ultimatums". Initially you need to protect your vulnerable position, but sometimes things can go too far.

 

Moreover, what I soon learned is I didn't want to be married to a "hoop jumper", I wanted the whole woman. I wanted to be able to see she was doing the "right" things because that is what SHE wanted, not because it is what I demanded.

 

3. Try to ease up when you think she is back on board because really the only thing you can shoot for is a more or less stable woman who can self regulate her behaviours. Get yourself into a position whereby if she screws up (and by this I don't mean she doesn't jump through ALL your hoops when you say GIDDYUP, but rather she doesn't do something against your relationship) you walk. Get yourself to that place whereby being able to walk away from this is what you want, regardless of the consequences. Be not afraid/unable to leave. This is the most powerful way to stay.

 

4. Soon. Only you know when, it will be time to stop talking about the specific guys (mentioning their names, for example) and perhaps better to talk about the meaning of the infidelity. What she has to do is fix what it was that allowed her to do what she did, not "fix" things about the specific persons involved. Try to fix a time and place to talk about issues. Don't drag them all along the day everytime something pops into your head. Write it down, and then on that day, ask yourself if its still an issue bothering you.

 

I made the mistake of wanting to discuss every little doubt that passed through my head as it did. This was exhausting for both of us. And ultimately counterproductive. I learned that I have a responsiblility to control and process my own thoughts. She is not responsible for the thoughts that pass through your head today.

 

5. Do not become addicted to being the victim in this. Letting go can be letting go of the pain and trauma BUT this DOES NOT MEAN you have to forgive and forget the affair. She needs to be in this 100% but SO DO YOU. You will have to acknowledge which issues are tearing you up and keeping you down and preventing you from happiness and you need to work on those. She cannot take away your pain. She can only fight to convince you that she will not hurt you again.

 

6. Expressing your love to her is NOT forgiving her. Don't be afraid to dive back into a loving relationship. You are not letting anyone off the hook by doing so, and you are not being a dormat for it either.

 

We have one obligation in life and that is to be happy. Not try, not seek it. To be happy. And you will find this happiness in any place you choose, because it is not out there, it is in you.

 

Recover your spark.

 

This post is Golden Tom.

 

You've made the choice to stay. There are wise words here.

 

I support you if this is what you truly desire. And I wish you well.

[sidney2718]

I loved all of your posts. Thanks for all the support. After reading the posts by Qubist, Fellini, Mr. Bojangles, TX-SC, my friends and others, I have (and I'm afraid some of you will bash me for this) decided that I will give my marriage a trial period.

 

The best of luck to you Tom. If you and your wife are as willing to work as you indicate, I think that you have an excellent chance of success.

 

Remember though: it takes only one to have an affair, but it takes two to have a reconciliation.

 

Peace be with you and your wife.

[OldRover]

Tom,

 

I feel you choice was well thought out and hope it works fine for you.

 

We all make mistakes, for whatever the reason, but we can put them behind us. I've gone thru some similar things and sometimes a second chance works out better than ever. Hope it works for you.

[turnera]

What are your boundaries? What are the consequences you will enact if she ignores your boundaries? Is she aware of them?

[tomcook]

What are your boundaries? What are the consequences you will enact if she ignores your boundaries? Is she aware of them?

 

Thanks everyone for all of your kind comments. I am not sure. I am still working everything out, but she seems to be on board with everything. I am still obviously very angry and still am living the nightmare currently, so it is hard for me to feel as optimistic as she does, BUT she has done a tremendous job so far. I will get the details worked out for the postnup, boundaries, etc, and I will let you all know. Any suggestions besides what many of you have already posted before I close this thread?

[drifter777]

Start drinking.

[66Charger]

Close the thread before you change your mind....again

[tomcook]

Close the thread before you change your mind....again

 

Very well. I hope I'm not back on this section again, but I can't guarantee it, and I can't guarantee I'll go beyond the trial period, but we shall see. I can only hope for the best, and for both of us to end up happy in the end.

Edited September 16, 2015 by tomcook

[turnera]

Thanks everyone for all of your kind comments. I am not sure. I am still working everything out, but she seems to be on board with everything. I am still obviously very angry and still am living the nightmare currently, so it is hard for me to feel as optimistic as she does, BUT she has done a tremendous job so far. I will get the details worked out for the postnup, boundaries, etc, and I will let you all know. Any suggestions besides what many of you have already posted before I close this thread?

You didn't answer my question.

 

And it is a VALID question.

 

IMPORTANT.

 

You MUST have real, valid, strong boundaries. And explained, clear consequences for what will happen if she steps over your boundaries.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?

[sandylee1]

That's awesome TX-SC. Thanks for your support. I appreciate it.

 

I will go over there to SI and check out some of the reconciliation stories. That'll definitely be an interesting read. My wife is optimistic that with her hard work, she can make me truly WANT to be in this relationship again, and eternally happy that I made the decision to give us a chance, so I will not expect anything definite, but I will try to be more hopeful each day. Thanks again for everything up to this point TX-SC. You're awesome.

 

Tom

 

Has she signed up to the site yet? Apart from telling you she'll do anything, what has she ACTUALLY DONE?

[SummerDreams]

You didn't answer my question.

 

And it is a VALID question.

 

IMPORTANT.

 

You MUST have real, valid, strong boundaries. And explained, clear consequences for what will happen if she steps over your boundaries.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?

 

Tom

 

Has she signed up to the site yet? Apart from telling you she'll do anything, what has she ACTUALLY DONE?

 

It's pointless. He has made his decision to go back to the role he feels he deserves most.

 

Thank god, scripta manent.

[Bigdaddyt]

It's pointless. He has made his decision to go back to the role he feels he deserves most.

 

Thank god, scripta manent.

 

Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.

 

"Even God finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time." We all must find our own way.

Edited September 17, 2015 by Bigdaddyt

[tomcook]

You didn't answer my question.

 

And it is a VALID question.

 

IMPORTANT.

 

You MUST have real, valid, strong boundaries. And explained, clear consequences for what will happen if she steps over your boundaries.

 

WHAT ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES?

 

Yes I understand that Turnera. I am still figuring things out right at the moment. I am extremely busy with school. It's my final semester (about time), but I am having regular discussions with her. I will answer your question as soon as it's in clear writing.

[tomcook]

Tom

 

Has she signed up to the site yet? Apart from telling you she'll do anything, what has she ACTUALLY DONE?

 

Well, not that I know of, but I know that we are both fairly busy. I have told her that I want her to get on there when she feels ready, or to at least get on there and read for a while until she feels ready. I'll have to ask her again to see. Well, she has begun to do her fair share of work around the house. She treats me with a lot more respect, and apologizes when she feels she's done something wrong (never was like that before, never). She even helped me find out one more bit information about her infidelity, although she knew I would be extremely upset by it, she still chose to help, was honest about the dates (for once, thank GOD). It wasn't the act itself I was looking for, but rather the date of one of her incidences. She's been on board with everything I say (I know that's not action yet). She has been answering my questions, although I can see the discomfort, she has been answering them and discussing matters instead of dodging, gaslighting, etc. She has been understanding of how negative I feel about her and the relationship currently, but she has begged me to at least let her try, knowing that this may not end in her favor, she still requested at least an attempt to show me that we could have a great relationship together.

 

I hear you all. I do. You, turnera, popsicle, SummerDreams, and all of you on the cautious end of this argument. I have told her that I still feel like I want out, even though she's doing a great job. However, since I said I would give it X amount of months to test, I should at least fulfill my part of it, then I can say "Hey, at least we both gave it a shot.", and then there is the chance that maybe in this time her changes will make me desire to be with her the same way that I did before. It will rejuvenate us, not the old us (because that's gone forever), but maybe a new version of us. However, if that's not the case, at least that's something that she is already aware of. Believe me, in my current state (considering I just recently found out about two fairly large chunks of info) I am still very upset, angry, the whole shebang and rollercoaster ride of emotions. So, in this state, a big part of me selfishly doesn't want it to work, but I know myself, and I know that I may see it differently once some of those strong emotions diminish. That is why I am choosing to tread carefully for a while until I can at least cool down and think with a level head. Had I made an impulsive decision, I may not be happy with it later.

Edited September 17, 2015 by tomcook

[tomcook]

Amare et sapere vix deo conceditur.

 

"Even God finds it hard to love and be wise at the same time." We all must find our own way.

 

There's a phrase to consider for a moment. Thanks Bigdaddyt. I like that.

[Bigdaddyt]

Yes I understand that Turnera. I am still figuring things out right at the moment. I am extremely busy with school. It's my final semester (about time), but I am having regular discussions with her. I will answer your question as soon as it's in clear writing.

 

Tom, Focus on school it is your future. Do not make a decision that you regret, give yourself time. Spend time with your wife let things progress naturally between the two of you. If things can be R they will in time you will know this. Be strong and stay focused.